always on my mind

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

I still would get this feeling-
you know the kind,
where the butterflies fluttering around your abdomen feel like they are going to throw up-
in anticipation waiting for you to walk through that door
at 20 after 5.

I walked through out parking lot the other day
and that single green hanger still lays where it originally fell
the night you moved all your stuff to your car.
And every night I fall
to the same place on the floor
that I fell to the night you closed the door,
walked to your car and drove away.

And every now and again
when I would get tired of laying there lifelessly
without a thought going through my brain
I'd walk to the blue room and stare out the window into the parking lot.
A single tear would fall and I'd say out loud
"Please don't go"
My eyes would focus on that hanger-
then the empty parking spot.
I'd walk back to the living room and fall into place
and wait for the morning light to wake me up.

I hate waking up alone-
next to this disgusting overfilled ashtray
and empty cans surrounding.

I miss taking you to work at 8 a.m.
Then coming home, going through the freezer/fridge
to decide what to prepare you for lunch.
Do you think anyone else will ever notice
how you smoke your cigarette right down to the filter
and then take 3 last inhales in a row-
like it's the last cigarette on the planet?
Do you think anyone else will get annoyed
every time you write them a letter
Because the way you write your I's,
is funny.
It looks like a Z with a vertical line through the center.
Will anyone else make you special dinners at night-
color cordinate, placed precisely right
and looking just perfect when it is presented?
Will you ever sing the songs to someone else
that you used to sing to me?
Will you ever allow anyone else to love you again
after what I did to you?

I don't want you to spend your birthday
the way I spent mine-
But do you know how bad it hurts to be with you?
Last night-
I was fine until our food came
I knew time was coming closer to going home alone.

And when we finally parted
I walked to the blue room window and recited my fear:
"I know you are going"
Then I went to the fridge
grabbed a beer, fell lifelessly to the floor
and waited for the morning light to give me life.

You know I'm leaving, this time for real.
This town has nothing to offer me.
The mailman just walked through the door
and I asked him for a change of address form.
I asked you to meet me in Philadelphia
in a couple of weeks.
You asked me to make you a promise.

Do you think we'll meet up again
and won't let another town conquer us? OR
Do you think we are just trying to find an ending
to make up for the things we should have said
when we were together?
Either way, I hate all of this.
Too little, too late.

Will it upset you in the end-
when much later down the road
you are reading my 'words'
and you won't comprehend?
Will it make you sad that the ink
that spills from this pen
isn't screaming out r-y-a-n?

I've got about 4 days left until I head out
to visit some friends
and then claim my residency in Philly again.
And a theory is put to test.

Is absence enough to make the heart grow fonder?
OR
Out of sight, out of mind?

Because either way I've got this mental image
Of you- always by myside.

 

[plazma]

Holy Damn.

What a poem. This is definately one to be proud of. Emotional, heartbreaking, harrowing, involving. It draws the reader deep into the feelings you're experiencing, and as such is quite relentless.

I like your writing style, it tightly pulls the words together, and your adeptness at summarising the emotional turmoil described is no less than impressive.

Do you think we'll meet up again
and won't let another town conquer us? OR
Do you think we are just trying to find an ending
to make up for the things we should have said
when we were together?
Either way, I hate all of this.
Too little, too late.

Those lines grabbed me the best.

An all around great piece of work.

-plaz out-

 

[up all night]

It's so true that it's their little quirks and nuances that we miss the most. The things that make them so typically.... them.

 

[neverwas]

*sighs* those butterflies are the best feeling in the world...

this was truely amazing hun...i thoroughly enjoyed reading it...*sighs* it made me sit here and think of the people in my life that i miss and the lil bits of them that make them so...them

nice work

 

[E-girl]

i want this one.

this one has GOT to go in my poetry collection. its a fucking classic.

I walked through out parking lot the other day
and that single green hanger still lays where it originally fell
the night you moved all your stuff to your car.
And every night I fall
to the same place on the floor
that I fell to the night you closed the door,
walked to your car and drove away.

i had to read this stanza 3 times. and each time, i got chills. its something about the way those little things can always grab you... the little things that only YOU and HE know what they mean, but the way you write it, i can know it too, and be right there crying with you, hating him, begging him not to go... or just in my mind, seeing him walk away every time i look out that window.

i guess we all have a blue room.

you say it again... "too little, too late". see my reply in my other post.

btw jen... i REALLY liked this. it hit home hard.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

of course you can add this to your collection.
try to get me your cell phone number.... i'm leaving this weekend, and would maybe like to chill or something.
my old email address isn't working now tho.