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  • EADD Moderators: Pissed_and_messed | Shinji Ikari

Alone

The problem is there weren't too many social drugs in that stash. Personally I prefer to trip alone, I usually tire of other morons incessant stoner gibberings after the peak and prefer the solitude of loneliness to lose ones mind
 
Patience FUBAR... It's in the final editing stages. Obviously, due to good grammatical grammar and spelling I'm known for Stee wanted me to reed it threw...

Never alone Stee <3
 
Just wanted to say that i'm in the same boat. My addiction has alienated many people close to me, and I spend most of days now drinking and doing drugs alone in my room, listening to music by myself. It's very upsetting sometimes to look on fb and see everyone from school or uni going out, doing things, getting careers, living life etc when I can't even face leaving my house without some sort of downer in my system to help with anxiety.

But anyway, I rememer you saying you were into dance music? I haven't been out out raving in ages. I'm gutted I was too young for the golden era in the 90's.
 
Just a thought, but may I suggest to anyone suffering from depression, lack of confidence, low self esteem, loneliness etc. that the first step on the road to recovery can be made by simply staying the fuck off Facebook! (Hex, this isn't a dig at you, or anyone else in particular - but it was partly inspired by your post above).

I realise this may be a totally alien concept to anyone under 30, but do you really need to be constantly reminded what a fantastically fun and fulfilling life everyone in the world (except you) is having? Surely, their lives can't be all that fulfilling if they have to spend so much time trying to convince the world (or more to the point, themselves) that it is?

Also, uploading an endless stream of zany selfies taken at a jaunty angle on their iPhones in running commentary of their night out doesn't suggest to me that they're having much fun at all. In fact, the rhetorical question "Are we having fun yet?" could be answered by "dunno, I'll need to check FB first..."

In my experience, the vast majority of FB users are self obsessed attention seeking vacuous morons who believe that people actually give a shit whether little Chelsea Talulah Verity Butcher-Scraggins 'did a big potty poo for the 97th time this morning, LOL'.

Apologies for the rant, but my point is to just ignore the fuckin lot of them. No-one needs 3000 'friends' that they've never met. Real friends can be easily kept in touch with by e-mail, which has pretty much the same facilities as FB without being constantly bombarded with annoying adverts and status updates.

Hex, this one's for you:

You say your addictions have alienated many people close to you. Have you considered the possibility that you may have alienated yourself by having no interest in anyone or anything other than drugs? I say this because that's exactly what I did. I went through a stage at the height of my addiction where I resented all my old mates because I felt they had cut me out of the 'gang' for being a junky. But in reality, I'd cut myself out by becoming increasingly unreliable, not returning their calls and never going anywhere they invited me to because I was too fucked up, too busy getting fucked up, or standing in dog shit alley waiting to get fucked up. In truth, they had simply given up trying with me. However, when I eventually summoned up the courage to get back in contact with them, it was like I'd never been away...

Tl:dr. Stay off Facebook and never underestimate your friends.
 
F.U.B.A.R. said:
Just a thought, but may I suggest to anyone suffering from depression, lack of confidence, low self esteem, loneliness etc. that the first step on the road to recovery can be made by simply staying the fuck off Facebook! (Hex, this isn't a dig at you, or anyone else in particular - but it was partly inspired by your post above).

I realise this may be a totally alien concept to anyone under 30, but do you really need to be constantly reminded what a fantastically fun and fulfilling life everyone in the world (except you) is having? Surely, their lives can't be all that fulfilling if they have to spend so much time trying to convince the world (or more to the point, themselves) that it is?

Also, uploading an endless stream of zany selfies taken at a jaunty angle on their iPhones in running commentary of their night out doesn't suggest to me that they're having much fun at all. In fact, the rhetorical question "Are we having fun yet?" could be answered by "dunno, I'll need to check FB first..."

In my experience, the vast majority of FB users are self obsessed attention seeking vacuous morons who believe that people actually give a shit whether little Chelsea Talulah Verity Butcher-Scraggins 'did a big potty poo for the 97th time this morning, LOL'.

Apologies for the rant, but my point is to just ignore the fuckin lot of them. No-one needs 3000 'friends' that they've never met. Real friends can be easily kept in touch with by e-mail, which has pretty much the same facilities as FB without being constantly bombarded with annoying adverts and status updates.

Hex, this one's for you:

You say your addictions have alienated many people close to you. Have you considered the possibility that you may have alienated yourself by having no interest in anyone or anything other than drugs? I say this because that's exactly what I did. I went through a stage at the height of my addiction where I resented all my old mates because I felt they had cut me out of the 'gang' for being a junky. But in reality, I'd cut myself out by becoming increasingly unreliable, not returning their calls and never going anywhere they invited me to because I was too fucked up, too busy getting fucked up, or standing in dog shit alley waiting to get fucked up. In truth, they had simply given up trying with me. However, when I eventually summoned up the courage to get back in contact with them, it was like I'd never been away...

Tl:dr. Stay off Facebook and never underestimate your friends.
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Never a more true word. Facebook wound me up n fueled anger, bitterness n isolation in me for five years or more. There i was a brand new single mam, thrust into it all, on my own n I'm constantly see pics of people meeting up, pics of them doing so; smiling; laughing. It multiplied my depression n feelings of isolation fen fold n I actually look back on that period with dread n heartache because it was such a low time for me where i was lonely, felt rejected, cast out n like no one give a damn. I couldn't understand why those people weren't there for me as surelyy theu knew what i was going through n yet continues to keep doing doing. It drove me to an internal anger n irritability like no other - it became hibitual. I became negative.


I know I should have just deactivated Facebook but I couldn't. Facebook was the only company i had n yet it was destroying me mentally. I tried deactivated it but then was filled with the sheer emptiness which scared me n filled me with anxiety so I'd go back on it then would continue. Pressure to be a good parent; to be n think like those parents n I didn't so that would fuel more anger because I felt I was not goid enough because I didn't do what they did. Things were different. So I'd end up picking faults with them all as I felt insecure. More feelings of irritability

People may laugh n think I'm talking nuts but those years were hell for in my head n to the outside world (family etc) I'd put an act on that "all was well" when every day I felt I was dying inside, that what was the point anymore because things wouldn't changed, I was trapped.

Sorry wasn't meant to ramble on.

Evey
 
I don't know who you're friends with on FB but My FB is full of funny things and mates sharing bits of their life that I miss as I'm usually at work. I work such odd hours that it's basically the only place I get to keep in touch with loved ones. Does't help that I've got friends and family all over the world so it's the easiest way for us to get in touch and keep in each others life.

I get to see my niece grow up even though she's hundreds of miles away. It's not ideal but it's better than never seeing her face at all. Sure there is skype and phone calls but that is just catching up. Fitting a certain amount of info in a short space of time. It's nice to see the day to day things that transpire from afar.
 
... btw, reading this thread prompted me to get some penny acid, undig my rc stash and put everything in my luggage. Now I'm in the same situation of the OP - where is his report? I need to know! :P
 
Hi Stee, never chatted you on here but always enjoyed your posts.


Just quoting Fubar
'You say your addictions have alienated many people close to you. Have you considered the possibility that you may have alienated yourself by having no interest in anyone or anything other than drugs? I say this because that's exactly what I did. I went through a stage at the height of my addiction where I resented all my old mates because I felt they had cut me out of the 'gang' for being a junky. But in reality, I'd cut myself out by becoming increasingly unreliable, not returning their calls and never going anywhere they invited me to because I was too fucked up, too busy getting fucked up, or standing in dog shit alley waiting to get fucked up. In truth, they had simply given up trying with me. However, when I eventually summoned up the courage to get back in contact with them, it was like I'd never been away...'

Man I can identify with this situation, not entirely, but I doubt anyone else entirely could. Loneliness is a killer man. Drugs aren't going to change that, Facebook isn't, pruning a few hyathis a couple of times a week with (I'll be honest here because after 6 weeks in-patient rehab and a fairly decent attempt at after care I ventured down the garden centre, maybe I got a bad batch, but half the punters couldn't even hold them plant scissors the right way round).

A big mantra was change - people, places and things. I did that to a large extent - but its not enough. It's funny because we all kinda often presented and thus assume these arbitrary roles. For my role my closest mates did not for one second want me to succeed - I was the druggy with the mad ideas driving vans through hedges and turning up to Tinder dates of my face (one thing I will say is never under estimate the benefits of casual sex) and If you put as much effort into that as the drug collection you'd get your hole even if you looked like Simon Weston on a bad hair day. One thing that really fucked me off was after 30+ days them phoning the ward non stop, high, abusing the staff. Embarrassing. But they did not want me off. The who could they point to and say well I'm not as bad as....

So yeah, people, places and things.

You get born in some arbitrary location, (stick with this if you can!) maybe rich, poor, North, South. Into a family where you have no real say on what your role will be. Your role they reckon is established by about 7 maybe 'peacemaker', 'scapegoat', 'pleaser', 'golden child', 'disappointment', 'squandered intelligence'

Point is your labelled and from a young age the majority of your are actions/communications are entirely expected, typecast. Your friends will be, at least in the beginning; geographically, culturally and economically all on a similar level and we all begin typecasting each other.

So for, relatively, smooth sailing. Your arbitrary birth has to marry up with a positive typecast, the games juiced. But thankfully, barring all cunting over from god, that's where it ends man.

People,places and things

So I moved out of the city - to a complete shithole. Never been so surrounded by drugs and absolute bumble fucks. I made a couple of new friends, but don't make many friends in Rehab... (i'll do a rehab report soon, it's 1/3rd complete - my critic of the Minnesota model). But yea absolutely fuck all doing - and my taper which I got from around 20mg eitz and a 500-700mg of modafinil a day, to 3mg of valium a day has in the last 2 weeks slipped back up some. (anyone know the equivalency of 16 mg flubromazepam in old money (diaz).

So changing people places and things.

Well I had to kinda pitch may long term friends (the ones I had left from all the utterly fucked up shit I did to others - some stuff I can't even recall, but it happened) I met new people, but nah, a couple dead on see them every once twice a week - but i as far as my 'recovery' goes - they don't.

So on the people front, nothing's changed. Faces have attitudes very similar. Of the things, well I slipped pretty bad. Benzos are climbing (and fuck I don't at that rattle again) so that change isn't sticking. Places, I have a pretty grotty basement flat that only got sunlight between 3 and 5pm, now I'm down to an hour or so.
So changing the place was a balls up anyway (thought I'd attend every NA and AA meeting I could - not been once - Rehab report hopefully will shed some light on it - No saying support groups are without function mind).

So I though fuck, really wanted to complete the detox, get back to work, meet 'norms' - actually norms try to avoid me like the plague, I trolololololololol them some later I secretly cry myself to sleep*

So I got the head on - man you get the right medical report your quids in - I joined this site for 20 bone, best investment ever made. Then I learnt about the crisis loan for 1st month rent, community care £900 - I got a back date. Couldn't hack the grotto ad fellow grotbags over the winter so thought back to when I was happiest

Was in Australia, cycling 10/15 miles a day cycle tracks through the city. The fantastic sun. The bikini's. Workin a fairly piss easy inbound call center for over $120k (got sponsored to stay another 4 years, 2 days later day and CEO birthday BBQ------- a free bar - DOT THEY KNOW - DIDN'T SOMEONE PHONE AHEAD? A FREE FUCKING bar all top shelf. Anyway I ended up diggin my line manager.

Received/confirmed Friday revoked Monday, fucking bullet train. Fuck him he was slabbering away, I think.

Anyway, this has been a load of slightly stimed, self indulgent - If there is one take away from this whole think it's if the game is shite, change the game. I'm away back to OZ first week in December for an initial 3 moths - some times drastic measure forced my hand. Can't wait. So Stee what i'm really saying flap em wings good man. They fucked us first. Present as homeless, only take unfurnished (community care grant) Get the Psyches on board, get all the letters - get the latest psyche med gift basket, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, methadone, benzos. Letter from GP as well. There is a budgeting loan worth a bit.

Then do it. Book the flight. Book the hostel (base is good. all the backpackers there have wends wet t-shirt comp, it's impossible not to meet hot girls there. If you have too sweat a withdraw laying on the beach looking at boobies. Or take a 1.5hr train to the bush and turkey the fuck. Also you'll have your on flat/room to go to (likely a flat as the HB over a discretionary award as all those tablets you be a ticking time bomb menace. So yea it's amazing what you can quit out there, think the mad heat sweats it outta you system quicker.

You mentioned you'd a ton of rave, club classics, tunes etc fancy swapping a CD/S for the password to the £20 members only guides - massive help, written by solicitors rather than doctors, it means its a legal questionnaire/document. http://www.benefitsandwork.co.uk.

Besides Stee you don't sound to well, well hope you hade a great night

Peace and Fucking









*Isn't true, I only cry white penis tear
 
Morning Guys

I havnt posted much on here recently as following my 'experiment' I walked into the most difficult couple of weeks Ive had in a while. Following my last trip, I decided to go to my my local pub the following saturday. I normally avoid the place like the plague due to the trouble in there from all the coked up pissed up chavies that insist on causing a ruckass every weekend. However, the landlord is a personal friend, and as he was giving up the pub after a 25 year tenancy he decided to throw a leaving party which I decided to attend as I never go out anymore.

I lasted about 90mins - 2 hours when I was ordered to leave by one of the male patrons, as he stated I was making him feel uncomfortable and in his words 'i wasnt doing anyone at the party any favours and was making people feel uncomfortable (????) so he ordered me to put my drink down and leave, which I did promptly. A I left the pub I was unaware that the man was following me, and as I got outside I was met by 5 other lads who, along with the original guy, proceeded to give me my first kicking in 20 years.

To say Ive been at rock bottom is an understatement. Ive kept myself going by continuing a maths course Im currently doing at a local education centre, but its taken me 3 weeks for my mood to improve to the degree that I can start communicating with other humans again (training course aside).

I do have other interests outside of drugs, I just dont have any friends or social life. I spend most of my free time smoking cannabis while watching films on my dads 3d home cinema as Im a total film buff and avid blu-ray collecter. Ive brought a Playstation 4 which has kept me entertained and I continue to read about subjects currently interesting me, most notably physics and cosmology and the Wars of the 20th century. Im on methadone maintainance (70mg / 24) so regardless of what changes I personally make regarding my substance intake I will never feel 'clean' untill Im methadone free. As the methadone blocks most of the effects of any heroin I take, I can only use street gear on a weekend where I can skip my take home dose (im supervised Monday - Friday). So, I have plenty of non drug interests to keep my occupied, I just dont have any friends or anyone to share my life with.

Even before the nightmare at the pub I was feeling very lonely, and with no chance of making any friends on the horizon, the original rationale to conduct my 1-P LSD 'experiment' was to see if I could expose myself to an intense psychedelic experience with the knowledge of how alone I really am, and whether or not the trip would compound these feelings or offer me an experience where I could shed the need for human contact and have a positive experience within my own innerspace.

Its been a long few weeks but with the thread being bumped I can try and compose a trip report if anyone is still interested (the last few posts Ive made have been thoroughly ignored so Ive hung back as Im not sure my contributions are welcome or of any use to the bluelight community

Stee
 
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Have these people been charged? They should not be allowed to get away with it for one they could do this to someone else. That's not on. Why do you keep saying things like people don't read your posts? They do n many posters have expressed that they enjoy your posts. You should be proud that you went to that pub alone. I would not have had the guts to do that.

I may have done you an injustice, Stee, will PM you.

Evey
 
Eveleivibe said:
Have these people been charged? They should not be allowed to get away with it for one they could do this to someone else. That's not on. Why do you keep saying things like people don't read your posts? They do n many posters have expressed that they enjoy your posts. You should be proud that you went to that pub alone. I would not have had the guts to do that.

I may have done you an injustice, Stee, will PM you.
Evey
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I live in a small village and any police involvement will just inflame the situation. The pick on someone every week in their in was just my turn and I have to live with it

How have you done me an injustice????
 
Not on here will pm you in a day or so.

As for your posts they are very good n informative. People like you n like reading them so please don't put yourself down. For instance, in the 'wheres the banter' thread when people were discussing why EADD has declined / changed, you gave a good analogy of why you think it had done so, it was an eminteresting read n many, in private, told me they agreed with you n that you were right. I felt it was a good post too

EDIT:

Treacle said:
I would do, if there was enough discussion to get excited about. I only recognise a few users, and a few veterans. I suppose my life has changed, so I'm not always making this place a priority, but it really has changed. I don't know why, either. Bluelight was originally focussed on MDMA, when I joined and it was all PLUR, which is what I think made the place so active and vibrant. Disputes didn't last long, and topics were exciting and fun. Maybe I'm just old, eh? ;)
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steewith2ees said:
Thats just life - diminishing returns on everything. I first started an account on here in 2003 after discovering the site via pillreports, but I doubt i made any more than 5 posts under my original username 'redeyeUK' (check my (lak of) imagination, even tho i was still relatively young (24) ). The majority of my bluelight time has been spent lurking, as I primarily used the site as a resource for credible drug information alongside erowid.

Then 2010 arrived, along with the heroin drought, and naturally i immediately checked on here when things started to get really bad. As Id long forgot my original login, i started a new account and interacted with EADD for the first time.

Of course there was a surge of new members in Nov 2010 - bringing, for better or worse a sea change in EADD as it dragged detailed and extensive heroin discussions into the forefront for the first time. I can understand why alot of lot of the veteran members, brought here through good ees and genuine plur, must have wept to see the sudden appearance of the smackheid mafia, half of which were irish (dublins been plur free for 15 years now i can vouch for that), and most of which were arseholes who were just desperate to score, giving not even a flying fuck about the spirit of bluelight or its user agreement. Thankfully, not all of us bagheds are robbing lying cunts, and that period did bring a handful of quality members, some of whom didnt get this far (cornish is always the first to spring to mind......xx) Eventually, most of the arseholes left the heroin thread, myself included, as the drought cleaned me up allowing me to get my first decent job following my striking off as an RMN.

Well im on my third account now following my relapse and entry into formal treatment - but im just getting all down AGAIN for my own benefit and posterity - to get back to the point Treacle the board has changed since the long winter of 2010. Since the relative normalisation of heroin discussion became standard in EADD, a new breed of supercrazy polydrug abusers have come out of the woodwork, boldened by the breaking of the heroin taboo and fuelled by the explosion of super - potent benzos and other mad drugs via the grey market. The fact that most of these uber-cainers are still good people, just drug enthusiasts like myself who always take things just one bump to far. Thankfully the summer has so far spared us from any rip threads - but through luck rather than judgment. Without going into any identying details, its still been an upsetting summer, watching while one of our most popular but drug addled (even by our standards) posters is obviously going competely mad. Difficult when ur powerless to intervene.

In summery Treacle i was initially attracted to this site for reasons not completely dissimilar to yourself, but as my drug use has deteriorated into serious dependence, the spectrum of information on BL has expanded. Im probably the last person you would want on this site, but as I look around its clear that im not the only person with no self control. Have i and others like me ruined EADD for the veterans who have remained hedstrong and together? Probably, but its as much the result of the general ridiculousness of some of the levels of polydrug use reported by posters as much as its down to the basic fact that im a fucking retarded twat who never learns.

I might not belong here but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable. I suppose thats a shit justification for polluting the board with my drivel binges - it didnt save evey did it.

Diminishing returns Treacle, not your fault and nothing to do with age. The portion of our 'society' that use drugs habitually cant fight gravity for ever....

This confusing and overlong post is sponsered by 3-FPM - increasing pointless productivity since 2015
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This post, Stee, in response to Treacle's post. It is a good post. But then you put yourself down again. "I'm a fucking retarded twat who never learns" (that negative self-talk isn't going to help you). "I suppose that's a shit justification for polluting the board with my drivel binges" (you're not doing anything of the sort - you are posting, same as any other poster. You may be posting under the influence of a substance but so is most of the posters, they're not drivel posts n you're not polluting the board. This post was a good explanation as to how you feel EADD has changed.

Evey
 
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steewith2ees said:
Mor
Its been a long few weeks but with the thread being bumped I can try and compose a trip report if anyone is still interested (the last few posts Ive made have been thoroughly ignored so Ive hung back as Im not sure my contributions are welcome or of any use to the bluelight community

Stee
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Hey Stee, been wondering where you'd got to mate. I, for one, am still very interested in hearing your trip report if possible. Also, I greatly value your contributions to this site - as I'm sure the others do as well.

I was disgusted to hear what happened to you after making the substantial effort to go out (I'm not taking the piss - I'm painfully aware of how difficult this can be when in the grip of addiction). Those guys need fucking over badly. Were there any witnesses that could back you up if you reported it? I know no-one likes to run to the police, but when it comes to mindless violence then they deserve everything they get.

Anyway, regardless of how you see your situation yourself, I can see some positives in your post such as the maths course - that must be incredibly hard to keep up feeling the way you do. Not only are you improving your education, you're making the effort to attend the course which is a significant step in the right direction. Don't write yourself off Stee, you seem to be a good person who is simply in a shitty place at the moment. It won't last forever, that I can guarantee...
 
steewith2ees said:
Dont take too long about it Im as insecure and paranoid as one can get and Ive promised myself no unprescribed drugs (weed included) untill friday
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I understand that. I was like that just over Bluelight.

Have you seen your doctor or the mental health team about your feelings of anxiety etc? Maybe they could refer you for Cofnitive Behavioural Therapy which may help you. Are you receiving any support from them?

Evey
 
can't imagine how horrible that must have been stee. I know how hard it is to go outside when you struggle with anxiety, I have no confidence in myself anymore and if I built up enough to go to the pub and that happened i'd feel like shit.

also I tried to pm you the other dy but your inbox was full.
 
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