Alone in this nightmare

[Lord]

I can't take it anymore. I've wanted to get out since last year, but I can't find the right tool and no way am I going to try to end it any other way, cause chances are it won't kill me, it'll just damage me more. I want TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! Without the risk of staying alive. It's too much. Are you all part of the same 'group' who is just out there to make my life a nightmare. I didn't know life would end before 20, I was always told I would live till roughly 80, now i still have 3 years till 20 and i just know, it's an arrow or a pinpoint into nothingness followed by death... I was fooled into thinking I would live till 80, or at least 70, lol. maybe itll be suicide, something will get me before 20. I need to get out of this dream but I can't wake up, it's all too late and fuckin ruined, I ruined the life of an emotional, bright, innocent boy but when you grow up you need to realize some things. Call me a pussy but im not realizing anything, i'm ending it.
This stupid scattered boring ruined piece of shit life, all I wanted was a week of opiate bliss and then I could go through hell. But nooo opiates will ruin you in the end. All the other drugs are so much better for you... HAHAHA its always a dead end everywhere.

Note + edit:
Other drugs are not necessarily better for you. I was being sarcastic because it's so difficult to get an opiate prescription or just to get an opiate period, in my situation. I was craving it really badly during that little bit of benzo WD... and I crave it in general. A pre-addiction, I guess.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

You're not a pussy. If you're a pussy I'm a pussy. And I don't think I'm a pussy.
I take it you're in amidst of withdrawal. Hell on earth. It was for me, and everyone else who's ever tried to quit. Every time someone said, "mind over matter", I'd tell them to fuck off. What kind of advice is that? But once I got through the physical aspect of opiate withdrawal, I realized that was the best fucking advice I ever got.

I'm assuming if you have access to opiates you also have access to benzos. Try and find some long-acting ones like Klonopins or Valiums. Xanax seems to be more of a street thing though. Here's a list of benzos... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_benzodiazepines. Vent on this thread whatever you're feeling. It helps. It also helps to help out other people who are going through the same thing. Stick to the Dark Side for now. Avoid reading articles or other threads about your DOC. Avoid watching movies where people are using your DOC.

 

[Lord]

You're not a pussy. If you're a pussy I'm a pussy. And I don't think I'm a pussy.
I take it you're in amidst of withdrawal. Hell on earth. It was for me, and everyone else who's ever tried to quit. Every time someone said, "mind over matter", I'd tell them to fuck off. What kind of advice is that? But once I got through the physical aspect of opiate withdrawal, I realized that was the best fucking advice I ever got.

I'm assuming if you have access to opiates you also have access to benzos. Try and find some long-acting ones like Klonopins or Valiums. Xanax seems to be more of a street thing though. Here's a list of benzos... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_benzodiazepines. Vent on this thread whatever you're feeling. It helps. It also helps to help out other people who are going through the same thing. Stick to the Dark Side for now. Avoid reading articles or other threads about your DOC. Avoid watching movies where people are using your DOC.

each time Withdrawal seems to get worse. it's almost like a trip, that feeling of 'now i'm really experiencing it for the first time.' But it's so boringly looped, over and over... boring yet rapid, everything seems paradoxical again. I couldn't get through tonight, i started going insane and I drank beer and smashed the bottles on the wall/floor.

I wanted to use opiates so badly, but I have never been addicted to them (I won't get into why I didn't use the easy-to-get ones). I am on a bunch of shit (including benzodiazepines) almost the entire day, and it isn't fun anymore, it is painful and has made my entire life seem horrible, I need to remind myself that before the drugs I was much happier, not the opposite.

I can no longer communicate with anyone when I want to, I must find that hour (sometimes more if i'm lucky) of the day that I'm functional to really be coherent etc. and I am so uncomfortable when I'm around anyone. I see dumbed-down, creepy, and humiliating beings (objects) around me. They smile at me and close in like I'm their food. But I'm too paranoid to ever go outside. I can't stand sounds nearly as much as I used to because I mistake them for frightening events or they repeat in my head (the everlasting split-second loop... *sigh*).

Lately, there's been a profound feeling of emptiness that replaced most of the mania. My heart sinks through me when I think about shit, except for when I'm drugged. and things in general, life has sunken through the ground into deep darkness, literally looks like underground, away from society and I feel lost and trapped in myself. I've been feeling better in the past two hours, but I am starting to hallucinate and get anxious about things again. The thing is, I won't remember the good part tomorrow, it'll have been a two second high followed by a new, terrible day. As I mentioned in the past, more and more days are nothing but emptiness and acceptance of any thoughts that creep up. The whole 'that's life' thing.

 

[bennyZA]

There is a mental exercise that has really helped me recently
As lame as it sounds, but every morning / whenever you can, picture a mini you. Then just love him, talk to this imaginary mini you. Tell him he is the greatest guy on earth. It helps getting through w/d. It really helped me.

BTW, your not a pussy. So many times have I been in your place.

Dude, your not alone. PM me if you want to talk. We can help each other

 

[Lord]

This isn't how I wanted things to be... what do 'we' get ourselves into?
I am so scared of the cops, I thik I can hear their footsteps / door opening, I wish I could snap out of it more quickly. I forgot where I put the benzos and have been coming off them, I don't want to leave this room and look for them. I'm crying, I'm fucking scared as hell... I don't know where it would be safe to hide in this house. knowing it's not real is just a sentence. No one here tonight, fuckkk I have alcohol and I have seroquel, but I can't stand the seroquel, and I've already had alcohol. I want to fall asleep but if I closed my eyes everything is pretty much the same.

EDIT:
Resolved for now.

 

[MindOverMethadone]

I was at war with alcohol and caffeine during my acute withdrawal stage, they only seemed to make things work. I've also tried very very small doses (5-10 mgs) of amphetamines (adderal) to try and combat the lethargy, and that was regrettable lol. Seroquel helped me sleep, but not until about day 4, when the RLS had sort of diminished.

What "we" have gotten ourselves into is a fundamental life lesson: What goes up, must come down. We have experienced what some call "God's own medicine", so I consider it something like eating from The Tree of Knowledge; there are going to be consequences. But in reality, it's just our bodies healing and our brains readjusting themselves. I don't think there can be any greater satisfaction or sense of accomplishment than to break the shackles that opiates have on us.

I've already (somehow) made it to day 12 and honestly, as fucked up as it may sound, it feels better than when I went on a missionary trip down to Mexico and helped build a new house for a family in need. Maybe this is God's way of saying "thanks". By giving me the strength to even make it this far. I shrug my shoulders, but who knows. I've stated over and over again that I was an atheist until I decided to quit using opiates. Not that I'm a hardcore bible humper or anything, but even just the concept of a higher being, answering people's prayers, looking after us, relieves some of the anxiety. I hope Nietzsche is wrong.

 

[Lord]

Dude, your not alone. PM me if you want to talk. We can help each other

I am alone... there's a difference between being alone and being alone. The mini-me thing was cute but it's not working. Since yesterday's event happened, things seem different again. I slept for a fucked amount of time and it I feel fucked. people don't look the same, things don't look the same... things don't sound the same.

 

[queenscarlet88]

I can't take it anymore. I've wanted to get out since last year, but I can't find the right tool and no way am I going to try to end it any other way, cause chances are it won't kill me, it'll just damage me more. I want TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! Without the risk of staying alive. It's too much. Are you all part of the same 'group' who is just out there to make my life a nightmare. I didn't know life would end before 20, I was always told I would live till roughly 80, now i still have 3 years till 20 and i just know, it's an arrow or a pinpoint into nothingness followed by death... I was fooled into thinking I would live till 80, or at least 70, lol. maybe itll be suicide, something will get me before 20. I need to get out of this dream but I can't wake up, it's all too late and fuckin ruined, I ruined the life of an emotional, bright, innocent boy but when you grow up you need to realize some things. Call me a pussy but im not realizing anything, i'm ending it.
This stupid scattered boring ruined piece of shit life, all I wanted was a week of opiate bliss and then I could go through hell. But nooo opiates will ruin you in the end. All the other drugs are so much better for you... HAHAHA its always a dead end everywhere.

Please don't do it.

 

[Mehm]

withdrawal can be very tough, I know. Try to go somewhere very very warm. Maybe pile all of the blankets in your house on top of you. You need to sweat as much as possible. Fish oil and niacin will help greatly. Good luck brother

 

[Firefly999]

i want you to know that things can get better.You can enjoy life again. Depression is a major part of coming off benzos - if you ask me it's a damn shame ppl can't just go to the chemist for a bottle of laudanum or down to the opium den for a smoke anymore. I was a v depressed teen and what brought me out of it, ironically, was heroin! Though that's another long story, I don't regret using opiates. Which is not to sayI don't have regrets But I'm 50 now, after unhappy teen years, I started using smack at 19, met mypartnerwhen I was 21 and he was 29 and had our daughter a few years later. Thanks to the legal alternative, methadone, I would say my life since I was 20 has been happier than most ppl's - something I wouldn't have believed at 17!! Depressive ppl are often the brightest, sad to say, and you think you will never adjust to the world - but life has ups as well as downs. I'm sending you psychic support and best wishes

 

[Lord]

Thanks for the comments. I feel considerably more stable now, but I'm back on the benzos and to a smaller extent everything else (no cigarettes or DXM, the latter of which I'd been doing for less than 2 weeks).

To be clear, I have never been an opiate addict. But I would say the possibility of becoming one is very, very near and clear. In fact... eh never mind.
Thanks again!

 

[delta_9]

Lord your not a pussy. I've felt this way many times during my life and without the help of a support structure who knows I may not be here today
Just know that even when you feel completely alone and broken, this place, and these people will always love you and be here for you.

 

[Lord]

Lord your not a pussy. I've felt this way many times during my life and without the help of a support structure who knows I may not be here today
Just know that even when you feel completely alone and broken, this place, and these people will always love you and be here for you.

Thank you.
I am often under the impression that many here don't like me, but I know that 98% of it is my own problem and delusion. I think about how long my posts are: 'will it be tl;dr, or will they get annoyed. Will they realize I was possibly on drug x?' I think about how often I mention my own life and past (many times unneccessarily), etc. They (BDD) have explicitly told me they don't like me in the past, but I think it was justified.

I feel like there is a sort of alarm system on everything, including this forum. There's a bell which is ringing like a fire bell, along with a staring eye. Everything is the same thing? Sometimes I think every post on this forum was typed by me, and that I am the whole of this forum, which is communicating to itself. Every day I say such hateful things about life whereas before they were mostly good, and I'd like to say 'I want to quit.' I've wanted to many times, but I can't say that now. I know I'm still chasing certain feelings through drugs and it'll lead me to try more drugs.

I can get such paranoid thoughts about life, and even about this forum, but I sometimes let it all go (yet I still don't go outside). Still, I nearly can't stand Seroquel (antipsychotic) and I feel sketched out like I'm on a stimulant, depressant, hallucinogen and antipsychotic 24/7, whether it's all at the same time or in phases.

 

[delta_9]

I understand exactly what you mean and where you're coming from. There are a lot of mean people in the world, and Bluelight is just a small percentage of the world, so naturally, there are bound to be a few mean people here at bluelight as well. But don't let this negative energy and those ugly words get you down.
I can say first hand that the folks here in TDS are among the kindest I've ever known(even though I don't really know them, but you understand. These people would give you the shirt right off of their back.
I can just feel positive vibes everytime I open up one of these threads, because I know there is someone here who is about to be welcomed or touched by a truly generous and loving person. I hope we've made you feel this way.
If you're ever in need of someone to talk to, then please don't hesitate to send me a PM. I'd be more than happy to hear from you anytime. In fact, I'm quite sure we would have lots in common. :D

and I feel sketched out like I'm on a stimulant, depressant, hallucinogen and antipsychotic 24/7, whether it's all at the same time or in phases.

You pretty much described me almost every morning. I'm in such a daze most times it's a wonder I'm able to get me feet on the ground and not fall flat on my face. Thank god I'm the only one who sees me like this though...

 

[Captain.Heroin]

But nooo opiates will ruin you in the end. All the other drugs are so much better for you...

That's not true. Drug addiction is not a good thing, no matter what drug you are addicted to; they all have their down sides.

 

[Lord]

That's not true. Drug addiction is not a good thing, no matter what drug you are addicted to; they all have their down sides.

I completely agree. Opiates won't necessarily ruin you, and I was being sarcastic about my statement (because I use so many non-opiates often in the pursuit of an opiate-like high etc.), but I don't have much access to opiates (I will most likely dabble with (or maybe 'get into') kratom very soon. Anyway I will edit that part of my original post.

 

[User Name Here]

I know how you feel. I don't know if that's any consolation at all, but I know how you feel. If you need anything you can PM me.

It gets better. Don't give up now, you're 17 (I think). Don't make any permanent decisions based on momentary feelings, even when said feelings can feel overwhelming and unending.

 

[Lord]

I must be on drugs to feel that consolation, and I must be on them to feel like life is worth living, however grim. Sometimes I can still feel good at certain times and do enjoyable things, and I forgot the rest.

I'm also very worried about my self-control, which I lose when I take too much zopiclone or lorazepam, or have too many beers. I really don't want to be a violent person, and I really don't want to go to jail, although I often feel like I don't care. Whatever happens happens. I am trying to use them separately because I got a nasty habit a long while ago, mixing a bunch of drugs, especially downers in order to escape, hallucinate, and/or pass out.

At one point I essentially passed out on too much of everything at least once a week, then it became daily. Soon after, I lowered the dose a bit, but I was still abusing the shit out of downers. It was no longer about fun and feeling good, it was about getting relief from feeling terrible, thus making me feel good (or better) in some vague way.

---

Too high and tired to continue... I hope this post was coherent... or better yet, interesting.

 

[Lord]

I created this thread about four years ago.
When I said something would happen by the time I'm 20, I was right.
I am now 21 years old.
At 17 and 18, I went insane, got off benzos too quickly, and ended up in a psych ward where I was made a robot of sorts, and my insanity was used as torture.
Every day since then, I have been in a mental prison with secret authorities always bothering me.
Salvia is dangerous stuff and antipsychotics increased the severity of my psychosis.

Thank you bluelight, for being friendly to me in the past.
Daniel

 

[herbavore]

Daniel, sometimes I read threads like this where someone is obviously being driven insane by their thoughts and then they just end and I am left wondering about their fate. I was not around when you posted this originally but I am thankful that you came back to check in. Are you familiar with the Icarus Project? It is a grassroots organization that puts out alternative information and resources for those that have been affected by the mental health system. Check it out here.