Alone, Backsliding....Thankyou Bluelight...

[Stargazer]

I have been up all night, completely devestated. About my own actions. I take full responsibility for this, and have absolutely noone I can openly and honestly .talk to about it...I really need someone to talk to. I have a very social, open personality. There is nothing my friends could not tell me. However, it isn't the same way in return.

First, I want to say "Thankyou" to Bluelight, and all of the members. Sincerely. Many of the posts gave me some hope. Some made me smile. It's been only this board and me all night, while I sat here feeling the full impact of my actions.

Let me explain a little. In the past few months, I have backslid. I stepped back into a horrible period of time...that I honestly thought was over. I am intelligent enough to never say never. It just seemed in the "highly unlikely" category. But when you come into a little bit of money, and your drug of choice can be delivered to your door, well, as most of us know, it's a terrible situation. At first, it was because I ran out of my rx early, and a "friend" found a connection. This "friend" is aware that I am an addict, and have a history, and of course, the charge to have something delivered to your door is extremely exspensive, and out of my league. I didn't come into a millions and millions of dollars.

For most of my adult life, I have struggled financially. I have a conditon that causes crippling pain, and it's chronic. Suffice to say, it felt good to have a few thousand dollars in my account for a change...It felt comforting. That is the first word that comes to mind. Instead of constantly worrying about every penny I spend at every second, and God forbid something happens, etc...on top of it, I didn't buy one nice thing for myself...other than the coffee beans that I like, and some teas.

For quite a while, I'm in the mindset that I cannot get things. So, when I had some money, I was still in that mentality. I need many things...I also am the one that needs to take charge of the household. It's all on me, trust me. I cannot rely on my husband to do it. And I can't talk to him, because he's in the same boat as me...

I'm far past the days of thinking something like this is great. I have no good explanation on why I've done this. Obviously it's spilled milk, and I want to change this...I actually don't have the money to spend anymore, and did put a majority of it in an account that I don't have instant access to.

However, I had to borrow money from myself, in order to pay the bills this month. That is unbelievable.

It's not only the money. It's everything about it. Seeing paraphenilia(?) all over again. Empty bags, etc. Of course, I don't look back fondly on the memories of that time in my life.

I actually don't know what else to say....Thankyou for letting me get this off of my chest somewhere...to someone...anyone. Sorry this is so poorly written...I'm so upset, it's hard to even put this into words.

 

[Stargazer]

Thankyou Chromophobia.

 

[Maya]

Hi SBfromPA, sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time atm. As I am trying to understand your post, you have slid and taken drugs again? I would just let like to let you know that I was in the same boat and some of us here in Bluelight has. I had a difficult time quitting as well but in due time and my will power to overcome the addiction, I was able to shove it back in my past. Please don't be too hard on yourself as part of recovery is making these mistakes to make us stronger and learn more from the process. I am not too sure what your chronic pain is but if you would like to not share it on the post I truly understand. Please pm me if you want to discuss this further.

 

[pro re nata]

hey... . it is a very positive thing that you have had the connection to call yourself out on this slide of sorts you have been dealing with. reaching out for support is a very courageous step to take in getting your addiction back to a controllable place. we all slip in our own ways in dealing with recovery and by the sound of things you have not reached the deep down darkest parts that are addictions can lead us to. you have touched on points that triggered good responses in catching yourself before it becomes completely over whelming. at least you had the money still to borrow from yourself instead of it being all gone with no funds for the bills...

is there any one that you feel could maybe help you in managing your rx so you do not run out early?

try not to get so down on your self.. . yep you spilled the milk.. it happens and now you are cleaning it up!! making it through and past this bump will only make you stronger and more knowledgable about yourself and your addiction. i too this past year felt like i was slipping in miss managing my prescriptions and sliding back to places i really did not need to be going to. i caught it and have worked through it coming out with what feels like so much more self control and focus on managing and dealing with my life from physical to mental. little steps.. .

your honesty and will speaks volumes about as a person!!

 

[Stargazer]

Thankyou so much for your support Maya and pro re nata...that means alot. I have chronic cluster headaches....they are not really headaches, but named that because of the pain being located in the head.

I get up to 15 random attacks of blinding pain in my head that is all-consuming.

For years, I have been taking my rx's correctly, and have found myself screwing up in the past two years. I know the day it happened. I always had extra instant realease morphine left...and one Saturday, when my mother passed away, I found myself taking them...From having a past of drug abuse, I was on methadone for a few years, and it changed the receptors in my brain...I no longer feel the euphoria in the same way w opiates. But, I noticed if I take more than I am supposed to I get that ambitious feeling i.e., like I start cleaning and organizing things. It's not the same or as pleasant as it was prior to when I was on methadone...

When I was in the methadone program, the Dr. that was director wanted to speak w me. He had me in his office and asked me "why are you even here?" I never had any dirty urines, etc...I told him I was on OxyContin, and I would take an extra tablet then I should've, and I was always running out of my rx, and it is making my life unmanageable...my daughter was about 3yrs old, and I was going through a divorce, and living w that blinding head pain, doing it all on my own without any help...I didn't have the time to be in withdrawal for a week every single month.

He referred me to an associate, and I start getting methadone in pill form instead of having to go to the clinic everyday. I want to add, I learned everything I know about drugs at the methadone clinic. I knew nothing like I learned there...I never tried heroin until the clinic either.

I wasn't stable on methadone. Im an abberent metabolizer ...my level should've been 1,500 in the morning, and it was 200. They didn't believe I was swallowing it...????? I didn't get at all what they were talking about. Then I learned what a "spit back dose" meant....people don't swallow, and then spit their methadone into a cup, and sell it...wth? So they were monitoring me more closely....it all felt kind of crazy. I wish I never went that route...but life leads us where it leads us sometimes...

So, without a shadow of a doubt I have back slid, with my rx's and heroin. Yes, I caught myself, but what I have done is just incredulous...I am filled with shame...and I worry I won't be able to get this in control. I cannot continue to borrow money from myself, or I will be broke in a few months.

I literally sat infront of the computer all night last night reading this website...

Both of you, saying encouraging things, and reminding me that we're human, and have our darkness w addiction is very comforting. There really is no one to help me w my rx's but me. I think what I'm going to do, is start seeing my Dr. every two weeks like I was for years...and getting enough meds for two wks at a time...instead of the full month.

Somehow, I started to see him once a month again for the past year. This isni't working out for me, so I will just tell him I prefer coming every other week, and schedule my appts accordingly.

I am looking for a local meeting to go to....I very obviously need to get in touch with what's going on with me. Thankyou so much again for your support.

 

[Stargazer]

PS- that friend that I mentioned that knows I have a history of opiate and heroin addiction, isn't a friend...I told him "this is like re-visiting a really bad time in my life" and he said "well it's this or be sick", and he made a tremendous amount of money off of me...charging me outrageous prices, etc...demanding things from me...like my father's (that' passed away, on Aug 11th a yr ago,) flatscreen t.v. as collateral, I don't owe the guy anything except for what I needed fronted, and he's charging me double the price...this isn't a friend. I happen to know his drug of choice is cocaine...it would be like me, handing him an eightball at first, and then charging him double the price...I apologize for not being clearer on that. The bottom line is, I did it. No matter what he did, or attempted to do...I put the needle in my arm, so I cannot start blaming him. I'm just angry at myself I guess, and I directing it towards someone that's trying to make as much money as possible on someone else's weakness...but he was supposed to actually be my friend before all of this...mine and my husbands.

 

[Maya]

Yep a true friend will not take advantage of another friend and will not lure him/her into doing drugs again! It's ok to be upset because of what happened but mistakes happen as I have mentioned.

Regarding your cluster headaches, is there a way that you can visit your doctor to try another type of medication or treatment?

 

[pro re nata]

^ double down. man..wtf. that is for sure no friend!! he should of been doing exactly the opposite, encouraging you not to relapse and help getting things to comfort you (ie. a milkshake!) holding your head when you getting sick and just being supportive like a true friend should. knowing how money is for you and taking advantage of the little bit of breathing room you had for once... pushing dope... papa's flatscreen... ughhhhh no more mosquitoes!!

seeing some true colors of somebody you put some faith into with your solid gold soul!! soul sister, being the better person, rising above and beyond.

i think you have a great idea about talking with your doc about getting a two week script instead of a month. it will totally help gear your mind up to help staying with in your prn dose range. it will also show him that you are serious about controlling your meds and not abusing them!! it is a win/win. my doctor recently talked to me about going back onto methadone tabs for p m (i did not want to deal with methadone dependency once again) but we had talked about the same type of thing and doing med counts. i am currently using it as a last resort and trying to deal with issues in a different manner and with non-opiates/opioids medications.. . making those lill moves.

i know this might sound kind of lame... .but have you ever tried one of those weekly med containers that are broken up into each day?

i have a family member who use to suffer from cluster headaches too. i do not know what he was rx'ed for them but i do remember he had an oxygen tank with a full mask that went over the noise and mouth that he would use during an attack. have you ever used anything like this?? i also recall seeing a special on national geographic that talked about cluster headaches and how psilocybin mushrooms were being tried and studied on their positive effects in reducing these attacks in patients.. i checked their site and they actually have a special on it coming up on the 11th of this month!! ehhh.. no shit.. funny how things just go click sometimes! here is a link to a preview of the story...

http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/channel/drugs-inc/videos/magic-mushroom-medicine/

it think it is a wonderful idea to hit up a meeting and open up some good local support and understanding, nice thought! have you ever checked out SMART it is another recovery program that is a different formate then NA. both have been helpful to me over time each in there own way.

www.smartrecovery.org

seeing a clinical therapist might also be nice to check out, if you make a good connection with one the can be amazing support. many of them also work on a sliding scale around what could work for you!

keep building positive thoughts, feelings and momentum!! you can totally get through this and smile all that much warmer!!

 

[pasha]

Thankyou Chromophobia.

Anytime

 

[Stargazer]

Pro Re Nata, You are surprisingly well informed on CH's...Yes, pure O2 is one form of acute pain relief...Yes, I have a "cluster mask", that is designed to form a seal over nose and mouth, being a high-flow of oxygen is needed, about 15 - 25lpm (liters per minute) With a normal oxygen mask, most of the air at that liter flow rushes out of the mask...It is surprising to hear someone know about CH's.

I have tried every protocol for this condition. If there's a medication, I have been on it, used it, etc...i.e. such as Immitrex auto-inject. I have a bad reaction to Immitrex...and I overdose on the auto-inject of 6mg. I have tried to get Immitrex in vials and syringes. My Dr. keeps telling me they don't exist, and I know they do. I belong to a CH support group online, and one of my friends gets the vials. Oxygen is very difficult to obtain, due to the fact it's used for acute pain relief and not respiratory. Insurance companies prefer the Dx to be "respiratory". As far as medication, I am to the point of pain management...Sorry I went off course about CH here...

I wanted to thank you guys again. I don't think a true friend would give their friend the drug that they have potential to abuse either. At the end of the day, we know it's our choice to make...a good friend, helps to make it easier...not to "make" money. Disillusionment is always a bastard. Believing someone is your friend, and finding out their not, never feels good for any of us...but, now I know.

One night, when my husband was in an unpleasant mood, he freaked out on the guy. Apparently, they were arguing, and my husband said "REAL FRIENDS don't bring their friends drugs, and especially drugs they are aware the other person is powerless over. Real friends don't charge five times as much..." I overhead this as I was walking down the hallway, and thought "So right", and the guy ended up calling me, asking what my husband's problem was, etc. I didn't say anything, I wouldn't do that, meaning I wouldn't break a confidence, I just said "You're going to have to ask him"...my husband wasn't aware I had even overheard him.

So, I think it is, asking my Dr. for a two week supply at a time for meds...during the pain. I am also powerless...I can't avoid dealing w that. Just to complain, I have to say, I cannot believe this jerk took my dad's t.v...kind of the icing on the cake of the damn entire screwed up thing. Who the hell does that? If anyone offered me their t.v. set, let alone, their parent that had passed away, I wouldn't be able to accept it...

Something I have learned through recovery, is that I shouldn't be disappointed by people just doing what they know. It's like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread...then being disappointed that they don't carry bread there. That always puts things in perspective for me.

Chromophobia...

 

[baerr]

Oh SB, i am very sorry to hear about what you are going through Do NOT be too hard on yourself, yes you are taking full responsibility. However remember, this is all apart of being a recovering addict. We make mistakes, we have setbacks, its all apart of learning. Honestly it took me ALOT of mistakes to finally learn whats really important in my life. Sometimes that is what it takes. So please dont be hard on yourself. Think of it as a new start, and free yourself of things, people etc. That you do not need in your life. Everyday is new start
Getting all this off your chest really does help alot, and that is what we are here for. I hope you break through the darkness of addiction, We are all capable and putting ourselves through the test, and so can you

 

[Vaya]

SB,

The fact that you have something or some one to thank for some level of support is proof to me that you've got something positive to be grateful for during these darkened times. Hold on to that - during our deepest trials, having the support of others holds a most critical place in stabilizing us during the tempest.

I'm really grateful that Bluelight is such a powerful beacon for you. I hope it never fails to be a light so bright.

Back-sliding happens. It happens in one way or another to each of us, perhaps many many times in our lives.

Wanna know something beautiful? Back-sliding is a reversible process. That is a beautiful thing, just like the fact that our bodies are capable of healing themselves when we sustain an injury. Both processes of recovery require faith, in an absolute sense. Faith, and gratitude.

The fact that you've slid backwards - and furthermore - the fact that you're willing to dialogue about it with us - is truly something else. It's a miracle. Sit with that for a moment.

It probably took you a long time to slide back into old habits, right? That's usually the way it happens, unfortunately.
It's a sincerely painful process. No one would deny you that.
My question to you is, are you willing to allot (at least) the same amount of time to recovering as it took to slide backwards in the first place?

You've got friends in this community that will help you along the way
If you ever need to talk personally, click the 'Contact Me!' link in my signature. Send me a Private Message anytime

Best wishes SB,

~ Vaya

 

[pro re nata]

hey SB.. .. your mailbox is full.