All my trips are "bad" lately... yet I really enjoy them?

[Captaindammit]

Mainly my trips lately consist of me feeling like i'm on the verge of dying, wishing that I were dead, that I am already dead, or fighting to stay alive. I hate myself during these kind of trips and tell myself that I am a pathetic loser and everyone hates me.


I don't know why but I really enjoy these kind of trips. The feeling of being helpless and about to die is really thrilling even though I am absolutely terrified the whole time and "fighting" to stay alive.


Can anyone relate to enjoying these scary trips?

 

[Delta-9-THC]

For me that part of the trip (anxiety, despair, helplessness) is only worthwhile if it is followed by integrative introspection on how you can change yourself for the better. The conflicts need to come to some kind of resolution for it to be a positive experience for me. Fortunately I have always been able to put the feelings in perspective.

 

[RedRum OG]

like ego death.... a lot of people shoot for that. i hear it can range from being the best or worst experience ever.

 

[sadbot]

I had an experience I think was similar to the OP friday. I took 5 hits of acid I thought was from a weak batch thats been going around. Turns out the dealer dropped a little extra on each sweet tart to compensate for the weakness... The first half of the trip was incredible! Then I got a bit self destructive and stopped being able to relate to my favorite movies. I was alone during this too. But eventually I gathered up the courage to put on some good music (the talking heads) and I felt so good to just be alive and happy again! I thought I was going to be insane forever and die before that, and I thought I might never be happy again. but listening to the album naked was so cathartic, it made all the bad parts worth while

 

[any major dude]

a lot of time the anxiety/fear/panic makes the good part that much more enjoyable. I've come to accept it as part of the experience. Now when i start to get that feeling i become a bit removed from it. I experience those emotions, but know that I'm going to be fine... Its a bit strange. Halloween for example, I was totally flipping my lid in a crowded bar full of freaks, and was kinda freaking out "on the inside" but managed to walk around and socialize in such a manner that only one of my friends thought i was on something other than alcohol, and she thought i was just stoned.

 

[Raw Evil]

I understand what you mean to enjoy such a "bad" trip. I myself have been through that, strangely liking the feeling of helplessness and abandonment I hated so much, then hating myself for liking it, then enjoying the self-hate, then hating myself again, this time for enjoying the self-hate... it was an experience. I only coped with it by taking it lightly - as entertainment rather than something meaningful.