all my clean friends

It sucks that the only time I even consider writing anything here is when I'm especially stressed or exhausted. Tonight I'm both.

The truth is that my life is filled with fantastic gifts that I should be forever grateful for.

The truth is that I am tiptoeing in the wrong direction with some decisions I've made recently. I've spent the last five years systematically building a life that is essentially perfect, but in the last three months I've consciously done things that could turn my world upside down. I haven't got a million dollars in the bank but I've got all the surface stuff and the only ingredient that's missing lately is me.

And no, I'm not getting high. I'm not getting drunk. I'm just finding old thinking and behavior a little too easy to slip back into. I'm not taking satisfaction in the great, simple life I've built. I'm getting pissed off about inconsequential bullshit. I'm justifying doing things I know are wrong. Wrong is the new normal. That's scary. I need to be turning my attention away from my selfish thoughts and towards helping others, but it's hard when you feel like most of what you have to offer has been compromised by recently committed morally reprehensible actions.

In other news I'm going to a new school. It's a new semester. I'm about to be busy as fuck. And I've been a bluelighter for ten years now! Five of them on drugs and five of them off!