Yea man I totally get it. I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this. The majority of my drug issues were centered around Opioids. I've used enough Amphetamines though to have been through hallucinations. Even when I was a total junkie, I always looked in the mirror and saw some version of myself I could recognize, maybe a shittier, worse version, but still me. When I have used Meth, it's like I really wasn't myself anymore. It made me into some kind of insane robot. The feelings that come with remembering some of those experiences only make me feel worse as time has gone on. I know that there were moments in my life where I totally threw away what it means to be a human being; not thinking or feeling anything other than "smoke cigarette, masturbate, look out window, masturbate, call drug dealer".
I know a guy who pushes around a shopping cart full of garbage that he collects. He seems to walk around all day and night. He had stayed at the shelter I was working at for several weeks while he was "just smokin weed and having a couple beers" wearing clean clothes with his hair slicked back, with a constant look of embarrassment on his face, as he knew that everyone there recognized him as the crazy, methed out cart guy. Still, he was smiling and talking about his kids. He eventually went back on Meth and I'm pretty sure he is pushing the cart around still. I saw him take his shoe off once at a bus stop to bandage it up and it was clearly bloody and fucked up from constant walking.
It's really depressing, I know. We can still give people the disclaimers while trying to teach them about acute Harm Reduction. I'm sorry you're feeling it right now dude. All I can say is, you're here right now. You're able to type and explain your feelings. You're still thinking about the possibility of a better life. As far as I'm concerned you've still got a lot more left than a lot of other people out there.
You're going to experience strong cravings for Meth for at least a few months after stopping. Do whatever you need to do to get through that. The depression and insanity will fade into boredom in a matter of days. If you don't change anything, you're going to use Meth to get rid of that sense of apathy. 48 hours later, you're gonna be going crazy all over again. If you need to sedate yourself, watch porn, go base jumping whatever, do something to take your mind off the cravings.
I'm just speaking from experience, I think you're 10x more likely to be successful if you engage in regular therapy. For most addicts like myself, this is 12-step style programs as they are free, global and virtual if needed. If there is another program you prefer, do that. Whatever it is, it's pretty much gotta be an every day thing. You're going to need something in your life in one form or another, every day.
If you commit to all of this, you can make it out and even be happy. Meth is not my thing, but if you ever need to talk about our issues in general, I'm available. Don't give up hope man. I know a lot of former Meth addicts who were 100% insane and one of them is married and I imagine getting ready to have kids.