Alice

[pk.]

Alice

your face appears -
different now.
like a dim light,
at the edge
of the universe.

eroded by time,
and space;
a monument,
scarred.

sometimes [it]
vanishes,
only to
re-awaken ---

at strange times,
unpredictably
from vast
and windy
memories.

 

[panic in paradise]

heheh

unforgettable.

 

[pk.]

Indeed

=)

 

[Mind-Melt]

i like =-)

 

[Raz]

Elegant! I like it!

 

[ForEverAfter]

Very nice. The only line I'm not sure about is the first line of the last stanza, "at strange times." The repetition of "sometimes" and "strange times" doesn't work for me. I'd rework the last stanza a bit; it is the weaker of the four.

 

[pk.]

Thanks for reading guys =)

Very nice. The only line I'm not sure about is the first line of the last stanza, "at strange times." The repetition of "sometimes" and "strange times" doesn't work for me. I'd rework the last stanza a bit; it is the weaker of the four.

Hmmm, I see what you mean... I'll try working with it a bit and see how that goes; thanks for the critique, it's always appreciated.