Alcoholism

[goinginfected]

Alcoholism - Alcohol is something that has taken over for my life for about 2 1/2 years. When I'm drunk I'm superman. I can do anything I want, fuck any bitch I want, I can fucking fly. This is the problem. I feel like I've created a bad pattern in my brain. I've noticed I have a harder time communicating with people while I'm sober, I don't even know how to have fun if I'm not shit faced anymore. In the high school scene alcohol is so prevalent, no one even thinks twice about binge drinking. I've come to believe this shit is worse than MDMA and coke in terms of how addictive it is. I suppose it runs in my genes, but I go out every night and drink, every single night. While I'm drunk is when I really feel that I need to feed a new addiction which is cocaine. I'm not quite there yet, but my liquor isn't helping. What I'm asking for is experience and help. I'm so young and I feel like alcohol has taken over my life. I used to be so philosophical and insightful, but after a few horrible trips I've turned to the polar opposite. I'm numbing myself, trying to become insensitive, and for the most part my booze addiction has helped with that. I just don't feel as connected or bright as I used to be I've tried sobriety and I just get so bored and anti-social. How did any of you get through an addiction that you realized is destroying your life but continue to do? I know I must sound ridiculous for claiming alcohol to be such a problem, but for me it is. I've forgotten how it feels to wake up, and not be hungover.

 

[Maya]

Hi goinginfected, to answer your question, I started to have health problems (stomach issues) in particular due to alcoholism. I am a hypochondriac so it was a torture for me to think about "what if i already have a liver disease and such".

Five years ago, I experienced a severe stomach pain and it drove me insane. I thought I had cancer and connected everything because of my drinking habits. I went to the doctor so many times and they found nothing. What I want to say as well is that we are not going to stay young forever and bw drinking so much every single day forever without encountering some sort of problem I guarantee that.

What is keeping me away from alcoholism? Hobbies, I do a ton amount of exercise and other activities that will keep my mind off of it. Not only does exercise make me feel good after but it makes you look good!

 

[Cliffy78]

Not ridiculous at all bro, a lot of is have sat rough where ur sitting right now, all those same feelings your having we had. Dude it took me contracting pancreatitis to stop drinking. Now I'm 105lbs 35yrs old and can barely eat cause it fucking hurts more than getting stabbed to eat solid food. I made a lot of bad decisions on booze bro. I drank one of those big ass 1.75 liter bottles of vodka every day man. Now I'll be on pain meds for the rest of my life or until the won't prescribe to me anymore, even then I'll probably just go but dope and kill myself that way cause the pain is too much to handle. Dude stop while u can. All those mental problem u got( the anti social ness depression etc) that from the booze man! I wish I would've seen that at ur age but I was blind. The booze ake shit easier to deal with but in the long run it's gonna make it much harder man, trust me I got no reason to lie. Just last night I was jonesing for a pint if whiskey, any alcohol could kill me( seriously) but I still want it. It's just so easy to get u know... And dude I sold coke for years(used alcohol to numb paranoia too) and I loved kids like u, great future customers. I've seen people steal from they're family to bring me a couple hundred bucks. Had one kid blow through a 100k trust find in a month!! Nothing to show for it but a bad habit. The come just levels u out cause ur drunk, the drinking triggers the coke usage. After coke you'll be asking some dude like me to cook it for u, next up, crack!! I'm not bullshitting bro, you won't even know it's happening. After that you'll do any drug, probably meth or dope, by then you'll be my age, 35 with nothing still posting on a drug forum, is that what u want? Fuck no!!! Go meet a nice girl, go to school, have kids, be a person bro, not an animal, that what you'll turn into if your not careful man. Now I've got huge mental issues dude, I mean fucking HUGE!!! I'm totally disabled, on Ssi, I get $750 a month lmao!! Guess what dude, can't live in that so what do I do? Go back to the only thing I know... Selling drugs!!! Now I've got terrible paranoia but no choice but to commit ten felonies a day!! Dude I'm gonna end up in a long term psych hospital soon, ir I'm gonna kill myself or someone else who tries to rob me or some shit. All from the booze man. The shit ain't to be taken lightly bro.
I know it sounds like I'm just trying to scare u by making shit up but dude, I'm not making one thing up, it's all real, it's my life. Check my old posts bro it's not the first time I've told my story here, won't be the last I'm sure. Just dude really think about what u want to do with your life. It seems like u use alcohol like I did, to avoid that feeling of inadequacy, that anti social feeling, the depression etc. when u find yourself using booze like a medicine it means you've gone to far and it's time to chill. I know I know, the chicks are nice, and you feel like fut in much better. But soon that will change, you'll be drinking at your house all day, shutting yourself away from the world, trying to hide your drinking. Your coke use will escalate til ur outta money, then you'll steal shit to get it. Then the alcohol won't be ur biggest problem anymore, it'll be the coke. Dude I could write forever, this post would be a thousand lines and I'd still be going with examples of the damage your doing/or gonna do. If you've never listened to anything please just remember this post bro. You may not think so but it won't end good, the booze will win. I hope u take this shit seriously, it seems u are from your post so that's a good start. Go start your life instead of ruining it. I wish you all the best man, please take care and next time u drink think of that fucked up old guy from blulight. Good luck and god bless brother...

 

[goinginfected]

Thanks for responding bro. I'm trying to take anything anyone can say into consideration. When I wake up every morning I know I should stop but as the day goes on getting smashed seems more and more like a good idea. I love my GF to death but lately my liq is seeming more important than even her :/ I'm really trying to stop or at least cut back. I hope one of these days I get through to myself and take a fucking break.

 

[paranoid android]

I have been addicted to alcohol, opiates, benzos and coke both IV and rocked up. Out of all of those booze was by far the worst to quit for me and the most destructive addiction i have had. Where i live everyone drinks so i'm the odd person out usually. I started drinking heavy when i was about 13 or 14 and didn't stop until i was 21. I totally stopped for a few years, quit again and now except for a few drinks i never touch it. It really fucked up my brain badly and it took me a good year or 2 to get anywhere back to feeling normal. I was so anxiety ridden that i was having about a dozen panic attacks a day plus the constant cravings. Not to mention the memory loss but that's not always a bad thing . I still have stomach issues to this day and alcohol played a big part in that for sure.

I quit because it was really affecting my health and was making me crazy. I got so bad i couldn't even eat without drinking a few beers first thing in the morning and i wouldn't always have a few drinks before noon or id get the shakes. I quit the really heavy drinking when i was 21 and i'm 32 now. If i had not quit i would be dead by now for sure. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but i managed to do it. If i can so can you.

 

[Cliffy78]

It definitly sucks man, some of us just aren't "social" drinkers, I think people like us drink so we CAN be social instead of drinking to BE social if that makes any sense. The good thing for you is you actually know it's becoming a problem, I never did, until I ended up in the hospital that is. It's fucked bro, the world sucks, people suck, but we can't change that, all we can do is try to change and better ourselves. I wish I could follow my own advice, I don't drink anymore but now it's opiates, and they tell u to wake up, go to bed, can't function without a pill or I get sick, pretty much just like booze gets after awhile. Just take it easy brother and dude fuck the coke!! You'll be broke as fuck soon with that shit, I promise. It sounds like u got a good girl too if she's putting up with ur shit so don't fuck that up for a drink, you'll regret it for the rest of your life man. Lord knows I do...

 

[CaveBear]

I'm a chronic alky have been since I was 16 im 43. Ive had sobriety as long as 2 years +, and several times Ive received my 1 year coin from AA. That said, Ive been back on the booze for about 5 years now and I have no plans of trying to stop again. I'm sober now and probably will be all day. I'm more of a binge drinker now 2-5 days a week a case of beer at a time. I was addicted to heroin and coke for a few years and other than a slip or 2 this winter. Ive been off both those for about 6 years.

Bla, bla, bla...all that to say ,IMO, booze and nicotine are the two hardest drugs to beat.

good luck to you.

 

[junegreenjeans]

Girl here. My sweetheart drinks heavily every day. When he first sat across from me at my kitchen table when first we met he told me he was a drinker but I never expected it had such a grip on him. He told me it was just a phase; yet as I learned more of his past this phase had been going on for 20 plus years and was a main reason his ex left him. I told myself that I would be different; I would be able to help him. I know wonder if this notion was delusional.
He does not work at the moment. In fact, he hasn't worked since I met him and though my income is meagre, it is all we have for our house and home. It hurts that for every effort I make to pay the bills, the beer money cancels everything else out and then some. His health is suffering and I feel helpless to offer him the help he so desperately needs but is unwilling to even accept there is a problem to begin with.
At least you are aware of your problem.
You say you have a good lady by your side. Well, you are lucky. And coming here to Blulight is also a good thing to do; lots of good insights and support from others; but you must know that though your lady loves you dearly, make no mistake, your struggle must be wearing her down because I know my sweethearts struggle is wearing me down.
I wish you and yours every success regarding this battle you are surely in. I really appreciated 'Cliffy78's' take on things. Now there's some perspective that'll shake things up no doubt.

I hope your girl is strong. I hope she hasn't started drinking more herself like I have.

Every strength to you and yours in this trying time. Again, lots of good people here. They've helped me understand more; they'll help you too.

 

[phactor]

Alcoholism fucked me up more then anything and I have been hooked on lots of things and physically dependent on lots of things. Alcohol was always there, always in the background, always something to fall back on, always something to potentiate other drugs, always what I turned to, always a way to start my night (and later my day) and always a way to end that day, always what I obsessed about being able to control, always the one thing I would choose above everything else, always available and always there. Not having it and not drinking was never a non-option. It had to happen. Eventually it had to happen because I was so physically hooked on it. My great "dream" was to be able to drink like a normal person. My life was totally planned around alcohol. No matter who I was with, where I was, what I was doing. I need to ensure I would have those beers at least by 5:00 or 6:00 (and if it was 6:00 I was congratulating myself).

Through NA, the Steps and therapy I am clean today and just for today only. But it took me constantly endangering my life and those that I loved to get there. I have had to detox in hospitals, had seizures etc etc etc. I am not trying to preach. What works for me might not work for you. If you are like me though, it will take changing everything completely to stop. Even then its hard. I drank daily for 20 to 21 years. I had a good year clean of everything and bouts of clean time here and there but it was pretty damn constant and I was constantly struggling to manage it. Thankfully, I have a choice not to use today. Never thought that would ever occur (seriously, I had long believed that I would have to drink or kill myself and that is so fucked up to write now).

As for coke and booze ("I don't do coke without booze" is what I told myself, obviously that was never a problem because I always had beer), one of my favorite combos, if not my favorite. To be honest, I liked some booze, some opiates and lots of coke (and if I was by myself, the coke was becoming freebase). That was my "ideal night out" but usually that night out didn't happen and I would get stuck in my room (at my parents house, yeah I never could move out because I was too scared to live on my own and had to feed my habit). My parents were so fucking pissed, but didn't have the heart to give me the boot till the very end. I moved out on my own and crashed and burned quick. I just barley managed to avoid going back to detox and treatment (once again) because I hauled my sorry ass back to NA and listened. The major difference was this: I realized I had no fucking clue how to get clean. I had no answers. I need help.

Anyways, that is the short of it. I try to reach out both online (God knows I glorified using once upon a time on this site) and in real life. Its something I need to constantly do to remind myself of where I don't want to go back to.

Now that I am clean, I do not really crave opiates that much, but I do crave booze and coke more then anything. Coke didn't really enter the picture until the last 2-3 years of my using (at least heavily) but when it did it really impacted me obviously.

There is an alcoholism support thread on sober living. Feel free to join in the conversation (I think you already have). Feel free to PM me.