alcoholism thread

[BREAKaBEAT]

^ Wow, I'm sorry that you feel so crappy. But give yourself a break, it's not like you're past the point of no return. Some of the reason that you can't concentrate can be attributed to depression and not just because you 'fucked your brain up' or something like that.

As soon as you start woking towards a positive goal you'll start to feel better. Don't be afraid to try.

I hear what you are saying, I really do. It just I say that to myself : HAVE A BREAK OR YOU WILL KILL YOURSELF... infact that is something else I do when I drink heavily is I get really really suicidal. To teh point where I am gathering materials... anyways I say to myself... you need a break . Take one. And I convince myself all day im not going to drink, then as soon as I get to the place I am meant to be going, I get asked 'Do you want a drink Mel ?' and allllllll teh work I did all day trying to convince myelf I wouldnt drink just gets blown away by that one question.

But I obviosuly will and need to try harder.

 

[guineaPig]

I have done so much fucked up shit drinking , it puts all of these posts to shame... .I have been charged with assalt, lost too many friendships to count, been violent, said hurtful shit, fucked so many guys I have lost count that I wouldnt touch with a 50 foot pole, exposed myself, humiliated myself, friends and family. Turned up drunk to christmas lunch in front of all my relatives, offered alcohol to a 12 year old and then passed out for 4 hours in the sun on the porch in front of everyone. I let a girl finger me in front pretty much full view of anyone that could have seen, thrown up on myself. The first time I drank, I legally died.

I drink to have 'fun'. I know I can stop, and I have many times, but the older I get, more shit im remembered from my childhood, and I use it in part to suppress a lot of memories. Its not only that, Ive done a lot of fucked up shit these past two years and I wasted , I can tell you so much money and time, its unbelievable. I hate myself so much right now for what i did to myself for those two years, and I drink to punish myself. I drink in the hope that itll make the fun I have with my friends appear real. I drink to relax and forget because of a lot of guilt.

I have to stop, but like I said, the older Im getting (26) the more I just want to kill it.

The effects have started to appear , physically. My brain is absolutely fucked. I can assure you of that. I black out everytime I drink and say things I dont mean. I have lost language, cognition and decision making skills, I cant even most days drag myself out of bed because i cant emphasise this enough

I HAVE LOST TOTALY MOTIVATION.
For everything. My job is starting to look like a mess, and I may lose it because of this. I havent gotten my license because I have no motivation, and I need it in 2 weeks. I have had 3 months to do something about this. I cant read a book. My money situation is a complete mess, and I am completely depressed and have some minor anxiety issues, which are only minor now because I stopped drinking for a while and worked them out. Physically I have no energy. I am tired all the time. I am very overweight, because I cant do any exercise. Not as bad as some, but there is no way Im going to a doctor to find out what sort of damage I have done. Im also very very angry at the moment, and irrational, and I know if I wasnt drinking so much that I probably wouldnt be in as fucked situation as I am now. Although its kinda better, in some ways. But yeah, I need some form of self control. I dont think Im going to exercise that at any point soon.

hey, i started this thread, i identify with alot of what you have said.
PM me if you'd like to talk. i wont preach to you because i am anything but sober. this thread helps me at least feel like i'm not a worthless piece of shit and that i'm not alone.
its strange thats it comforts me to know that there are others that share my thoughts and feelings.

 

[serafina]

I drink I try to sleep I get up I go to work I sit at work and stress. I feel run down but I can't let it get to me. If I dont work things fall apart. I'm in pain, kidneys hurt, only piss twice a day, I do drink lots of water. Eyes are bloodshot, sunken, tired so so tired. Grey skin. Broken Veins. It hurts. Fall asleep at work. I battle through. Skint, what the fuck are we going to eat, must work to pay my rent. How is he going to pay his? I can't afford to pay mine and his. My shoes have a hole in, can't afford more. Clothes are years old, need more. Don't feel confident.

He's not working I must keep us both afloat. I come home I make dinner for me and him. I struggle to get him surface from bed where he has been lying all day he gets up he struggles to eat the meal i've spent an hour making. My eyes burn I worry about work the next day I drink myself I need to to at least get some sleep. He wakes me up during the night. Asking me for booze. Broken sleep. Exhausted.

No conversation from him. We've not been anywhere for weeks. I go alone. I'm lonely. I dispair. What do I do. Must keep on keeping on. I have to work. Things wil fall apart. I need help to but I can't as I need to keep my job. I'm 27. I have no life. I sleep drink and work. He wont come places with me. I have no money to go places I spend it keeping two people. I don't earn much. I'm lonely I want my life back!

 

[happyus]

^ aww my angel. from an outsider looking in i say ditch him. Life is difficult enough without having another person draining all of your resources, and by thati mean time, energy,money and emotions.....i'm guessing he is a partner and not a child. he should grow the fuck up and stop using you.
you need to go to the doctor, trust me fucking your kidneys up is no joke.
please pm if you need help.

 

[phactor]

Gonna try to keep it to 2 beers tonight. I only had 4 last night. I have some herb so hopefully that helps. May end up having to take a Tylenol PM or two to sleep. I have always had trouble falling asleep, even before I started using. I had sleeping meds for awhile, but currently I cannot afford them because I have no insurance (I'm 24 and in my final semester of college, so hopefully I get a job with insurance soon)

One thing that I've noticed is the first few night classes I have during a semester (like tonight) can be a bit rough. Since I am used to basically starting to drink at 5:00 (at the latest) over break. Once I got used to my schedule its not a huge deal.

 

[guineaPig]

^careful with tylenol and booze man. its hell on you're liver as is, but the application of beer just makes it worse.
try some straight up sleeping pills or something.

 

[B9]

I drink I try to sleep I get up I go to work I sit at work and stress. I feel run down but I can't let it get to me. If I dont work things fall apart. I'm in pain, kidneys hurt, only piss twice a day, I do drink lots of water. Eyes are bloodshot, sunken, tired so so tired. Grey skin. Broken Veins. It hurts. Fall asleep at work. I battle through. Skint, what the fuck are we going to eat, must work to pay my rent. How is he going to pay his? I can't afford to pay mine and his. My shoes have a hole in, can't afford more. Clothes are years old, need more. Don't feel confident.

He's not working I must keep us both afloat. I come home I make dinner for me and him. I struggle to get him surface from bed where he has been lying all day he gets up he struggles to eat the meal i've spent an hour making. My eyes burn I worry about work the next day I drink myself I need to to at least get some sleep. He wakes me up during the night. Asking me for booze. Broken sleep. Exhausted.

No conversation from him. We've not been anywhere for weeks. I go alone. I'm lonely. I dispair. What do I do. Must keep on keeping on. I have to work. Things wil fall apart. I need help to but I can't as I need to keep my job. I'm 27. I have no life. I sleep drink and work. He wont come places with me. I have no money to go places I spend it keeping two people. I don't earn much. I'm lonely I want my life back!

Please do as happyus suggests & get some proper medical care - you owe it to yourself & you're worth it!

 

[BREAKaBEAT]

Please please leave him and heal yourself.

Please !

 

[phactor]

^careful with tylenol and booze man. its hell on you're liver as is, but the application of beer just makes it worse.
try some straight up sleeping pills or something.

Yeah... I usually take a otc sleeping pill but I was out.

Anyways when I get insurance again I'm going to have my liver checked. Its probably in shit shape, I used to drink ontop of hydros at least a few times a week.

Anyways I had 3 last night, not too bad.

Serafina - get yourself some help if you need it. You gotta fix yourself before you can try to help fix others.

 

[emerald2303]

Hi Guin! I thought you were funny as hell in another thread but THEN I find you in a place where ppl don't always pretend to love being alcoholics. Nice to be among fellow derelicts.

By the way, I have almost died (so they told me) because of liver toxicity over many many years. Basically, I'm fucked in some ways, others not so much. I have never, for example, had a needle in my arm. In my ass, yes, (gotta love those docs). See you soon!

 

[emerald2303]

I hear what you are saying, I really do. It just I say that to myself : HAVE A BREAK OR YOU WILL KILL YOURSELF... infact that is something else I do when I drink heavily is I get really really suicidal. To teh point where I am gathering materials... anyways I say to myself... you need a break . Take one. And I convince myself all day im not going to drink, then as soon as I get to the place I am meant to be going, I get asked 'Do you want a drink Mel ?' and allllllll teh work I did all day trying to convince myelf I wouldnt drink just gets blown away by that one question.

But I obviosuly will and need to try harder.

I'm sorry youre so sad and I really do identify with the suicide shit. I've driven into trees on purpose, massive od's on purpose, etc. , slit my wrists numerous times etc. but still I did not die. Finally I decided the only way to be sure is to put a gun to my head, but wait! There's more! I thought, wtf happens if I don't die but blow half my head off and STILL be fuckin' miserable and alive!?!

Finally, I just gave up and figured if stupid God is gonna make me stay alive I'm damn well gonna try and do it sober. I always thought I had to keep working towards something and it just made me drink/use. Now I say fuck it, let me have a few good emotions per day, a good man who loves me and the rest is just the rest. I'm no saint but I love my AA and sober ppl.

And before I get bitched at for saying stupid God admit you've called him that, too

 

[emerald2303]

^careful with tylenol and booze man. its hell on you're liver as is, but the application of beer just makes it worse.
try some straight up sleeping pills or something.

I meant to have mess. #450 go directly to u but I think I may have fucked up. sorry. anyway, go read it

 

[guineaPig]

Hi Guin! I thought you were funny as hell in another thread but THEN I find you in a place where ppl don't always pretend to love being alcoholics. Nice to be among fellow derelicts.

By the way, I have almost died (so they told me) because of liver toxicity over many many years. Basically, I'm fucked in some ways, others not so much. I have never, for example, had a needle in my arm. In my ass, yes, (gotta love those docs). See you soon!

its a love/hate matter, it really is.
i say i love booze, and i mean it. i fucking love it, but it has good and bad effects and i kinda come here to vent about the bad.
if it were more bad than good, then i'd probably quit, but as is, occasionally i just overdo it and act like a retard or something and kick myself for it later.

i'm better than i was when i started this thread sorta. i dont drink liqour anymore besides the occasional shot with my co-workers after a long night at work. or sometimes i forget why i stopped drinking liqour occasionally and buy a bottle and i'm reminded of why the next morning/entire day. havent blacked out in awhile. (seems miniscule, but i am totally unpredictable when i black out and its landed me in jail twice).

so...its got a good and a bad side.
i honestly right now cant stop on my own free will so i've kinda taken to intentionally spending my money (minus what i need for bills) immediately, so i just cant buy booze. OR to where i gotta choose between alcohol and cigarettes, because cigarettes win every time.

also, i wouldnt worry about the god thing.
as far as i've seen, there are just some people in this thread that can get sober through whatever god they pray to and some that just cant do it that way. hasnt really turned into a religion debate.

 

[BREAKaBEAT]

I got drunk on both friday and saturday night. I drank half as much as I normally would, but I still blacked out.

Im off to my first AA meeting in 2 hours.

 

[college_dropout]

My uncle who was an alcoholic for most of his life died Sunday aged 57. It's pretty horrific what years of alcohol abuse, or any type of substance, can turn a person into. Towards the end he needed a walking stick to get around.

 

[stonedout]

i'm an alcoholic. got work in 2 hrs, passed out drunk last nite.

now up and drinking smoking and bout to eat a bar. i eat at least 3 a day... fuck

 

[burn out]

My uncle who was an alcoholic for most of his life died Sunday aged 57. It's pretty horrific what years of alcohol abuse, or any type of substance, can turn a person into. Towards the end he needed a walking stick to get around.

what did he die from?

 

[guineaPig]

My uncle who was an alcoholic for most of his life died Sunday aged 57. It's pretty horrific what years of alcohol abuse, or any type of substance, can turn a person into. Towards the end he needed a walking stick to get around.

you know what's weird? that just brought me back.
i remember in like elementary school, i asked my dad when his dad died, he said "60"
years later, my dad is acting really fucking strange, around the time i was in middle school.

around the time i'm late into HS and i no longer speak to my dad, i come to find out from my mom that my grandfather on my dad's side drank himself to death at 60 and that my dad was a longtime alkie.

i dont exactly remember when i learned this but i already had a problem with booze at that time...i cant help but think if i'd have been told the fucking truth earlier...maybe i woulda known better...

 

[emerald2303]

Who knows?

Guinea Pig - Maybe it would have made a difference in your life to know about past alcoholism in your family but maybe not, too. I always knew (at least as long as I can remember) that my family was full of alcoholics and I still drank. What was hidden from me was that all the women in the family were pillheads! My grandma even went to rehab and that was kept really quiet. Maybe you would have been worse if you had known, you never know...

 

[guineaPig]

well i'm sort of a "i do what i want" person, so i probably would have ignored it if i'd known earlier.

but the thing you gotta realize is that i was very sheltered/kept on a short leash for most of my life.
i didn't have any real friends until i got kicked out of my house.
so an explanation of why my dad went from such a kind person to an incredibly mean person overnight was not even something to be discussed apparently.

who knows. doesnt matter at this point really.