Nice Cyc, hard fought days no doubt. That weekend only gig is full of tricks as you well know. Anything different in your plan this time, any insight to why it failed in the past?
When you measure the fun while drinking against the problems of alcoholism, by how wide a margin does fun of drinking win out?
These are just rhetorical questions of course, as I'm really just wondering if you are winging it or have some crafty plan full of self-reflection and measured consequences!
Happy New year, gladiator.
I actually think those are good questions to ask. I don't mind answering. In fact, it's nice to talk about.
Why did moderate drinking fail in the past? I think because, like smoking, and like coffee, and like oxy, and like valium, and like any other drug that has come and gone in my life, drinking is all about making associations. When I drink (in moderation) I feel euphoria at the very first sip. After a few drinks, I can laugh and cry and open up to myself. I can bullshit with friends, get in roaring debates, play poker or play X-Box and feel genuinely invested in all my victories and failures. Everything is just magnified and it feels like I'm living in stereo sound.
That quickly turns into a reward system. If I do well at school, come home, do the dishes and start dinner, then I can crack a bottle of vodka. As I'm doing these chores, my mood is improving because I know that soon I'll get to have that first drink. It's a rush of anticipation. After a few, I reflect on the day's accomplishments and the appreciation, again, is magnified. I reminisce about something that happened and it makes me laugh, or I think about my goals and all the great things I'm going to do tomorrow or next week, and it makes me brave and thunderous.
Of course, all these feelings start to diminish after a few days of successive drinking. Then, even drunk you start to feel like shit. At that point, you know it's time to dry up. Then you're fighting off cravings. The cravings come out of nowhere and are often combined with feelings of malaise, anxiety and depression. It gets better as the days go on, and you resolve to drink in moderation next time, so that the great feelings can be enjoyed, and the shit feelings can be avoided.
By how wide of a margin does the fun of drinking win out?
Ironically, the older I get, the more pleasure I seem to get out of moderate drinking. On the flip side, the cravings and side-effects have also gotten much, much worse. I find it becomes tougher to find that perfect balance, because I can better appreciate alcohol now, whereas when I was younger, it was sort of a drug of last resort. The less I moderate, the tougher the tightrope balance becomes.
If I abstain for a month, my first foray back into alcohol might be unimpressive. If I drink again a couple days later, it's better. Then better, then better.. Then.. fuck. There's that point when the consequences outweigh the reward. Back on the tightrope.
So I can't really answer that last question, because it's so variable, and seems to change as I get older.
