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Alcoholism Thread v. A sober life is a good life <3

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That "fuck it" instinct keeps coming back to kick me in the ass. Before I know it, I'm walking home from the liquor store with a bottle for the day/night. Only thing that keeps me from drinking even heavier than I am now, is my lack of funds. Blessing in disguise?
 
^^^

I know that feeling all to well my friend....

My mind is racing but I am still feeling very positive. I know that my pink cloud will end at some point. I'm just glad that I am not going through WDs that bad. I did realize that I saw some shadow people and thought my old dog came up to my room... tonight could be very rough for me if the WD ramps up. I don't think it is but I really won't know till around 8 or 9 (I started drinking at five like fucking clockwork)

My family and I decided not to Chicago tommorrow, which is good because I have an important work function that I didn't want to have to cancel. I am feeling stable enough to not use anything until I can get in to see my doctor (my father is looking at many options). I have a shitty HMO and we are trying to work this out. He would pay for anything but I want it to be my money on the line not his.

I may have to quit though as I work in the foster care system in one of the most impoverished cities in America. Still doesn't give me the right to drink though.

I realize that I have a ton of shit that I need to work through. I am starting the think that one of my major problems is attachment issues when I was a child. As my father was absent and my mother very depressed. My mother would often threaten to send me to live with someone when I was younger and I still remember feeling that hurt. I have also hurt people that I love very much with my use. I MADE THAT CHOICE AND I DID IT.... NO FUCKING EXCUSES anymore. I have no right to cause the pain that I have caused.

I am starting to cry a little bit because that is such so small in comparision to what has happended to the children that I work with... I am also feeling very guilty because I have not been the best that I could have for them. I am so proud of them for surviving it truly is amazing how strong the human spirit it.

I want to have a family and raise a child, I know I can be a wonderful father but I cannot even find a fucking gf because I am sitting in my room fucking drunk and high all night. I spend almost all of my money on drugs and alcohol and clothes to look good while going out and doing that. Fucking pathetic.

Sorry guys I need to vent. This has been a terrible year for me, my father almost died and then my parents got in a near fatal accident. My drugs use ramped up big time, my sister is engaged but not sure if she wants to marry him....

Really don't feel like using anything but I have been through this far to many times to know that this is only the beginning and its going to get much worse before it gets better. I do feel more dedicated to getting myself cleaned up then I have ever before. This is make or break for me for real. I'm to old to keep doing this and I have a few great opportunities setup which I will not be able to do if I keep using.

Finally after I get myself stable enough I HAVE TO MOVE. I would like to stay in my area at least but we will see when that comes.

Here is to a new fucking start in 2010 lets make it a good one!!! My thoughts go out to all struggling with addiction right now.
 
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Feeling much calmer now. Open minded and ready to do anything to stop using. I am even starting to open up a bit to the steps.

My father is working very hard to find a addictions specialist that is on my HMO that can administer bupe. I am just watching football and focusing on not using at all. Checked the AA meeting thread and there are none tonight. Wasn't even sure if I was going to go but its something to do. It is difficult because I am always fearful that some of my clients will be there but shit I am going to have to own up to that at some time. Basically doing the same substances and patterns that my clients do (not abusing children of course) but just being lucky and having a loving family that is wealthy. Shit that is hard to say. Frankly, most of my parents/clients do very little to have there children returned but it is not fair of me. Even if I am in a "just drinking" phase because I know where that will lead.

I am also trying very hard to envision a better future for myself, its within my grasp and now is the time. This period is also matching up with getting clean based on my star chart (I was raised new agey). I will worry about that when it comes.

I feel much better now, can the physical shit really be this short? I've been drinking daily for seven years give or take a few months. Went out for a walk and did some exercise but I am smoking like a chimney.
 
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phactor said:
Feeling much calmer now. Open minded and ready to do anything to stop using. I am even starting to open up a bit to the steps.

My father is working very hard to find a addictions specialist that is on my HMO that can administer bupe. I am just watching football and focusing on not using at all. Checked the AA meeting thread and there are none tonight. Wasn't even sure if I was going to go but its something to do. It is difficult because I am always fearful that some of my clients will be there but shit I am going to have to own up to that at some time. Basically doing the same substances and patterns that my clients do (not abusing children of course) but just being lucky and having a loving family that is wealthy. Shit that is hard to say. Frankly, most of my parents do not care but it is not fair of me. Even if I am in a "just drinking" phase because I know where that will lead.

I am also trying very hard to envision a better future for myself, its within my grasp and now is the time. This period is also matching up with getting clean based on my star chart (I was raised new agey)

I feel much better now, can the physical shit really be this short? I've been drinking daily for seven years give or take a few months. Went out for a walk and did some exercise but I am smoking like a chimney.
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Not into 12 step programmes at all myself, but AA has online meetings on IRC so you don't even have to leave your house to attend one. :)

And yes, the physical stuff can be that short. Try not to make too many assumptions about the mental stuff - whether it's easy or rough for you, it's doable and that's all you really need to know right now.
 
I'm okay without the meeting, I talked with my father and went for a walk with my old dog. I am craving but I am not going to act on it. I do not really like 12 step meetings but I am keeping an open mind (trying to). I have been to meetings before and know the schedule for my old group. It wasn't the best fit for me (very christian) but its better then not using.

As for the mental shit, well I hear you on that. I have tried every drug, all types of beers and wines, can tell you tons of stuff about drugs and how they work, the addicted brain, supplements, maintaince meds whatever...

whatever. I still have a drinking and drug problem that is out of control right now and it has to end right now and I cannot do it without support and help. I have that support working hard for me right now (my family) but it all comes down to ME. I am realizing I have been in so much denial its incredible.. I am obsessed with drinking and drugs to the point that it has cost me damn near 10 years of my life. I need to find something healthy, I do like to exercise and will start that soon but I know its not going to be all that it takes to fill the void. I realize that I have a ton of work to do and its going to be very painful and hard but worth it in the end.

I can see how some can see this as a message from God. I'm looking at it as a spiritual awakening I guess....

alright I am getting too wrapped up in this and just need to chill and breath. I will take two Benadryl and hope for some sleep.
 
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Hang in there phactor. Sounds like you have been dealing with some crazy shit. You definitely have that right having a support system helps ALOT but like you said, it boils down to you. I am the one that picks up a beer, or joint, pills, etc. I just try to tell myself that it is too easy to take the easy way out and continue to use. I tend to make things difficult and complicated anyways so why should getting clean and staying clean be any different for me. huh, ha.

Anyways did you mention something about a bupe doctor? Are you going on bupe?

peace.
seedless
 
Thinking about Bupe but going to let the doctor make that decision. The more I think about it the more I think I do not need it but what the fuck do I know at this point? My father is a very prominent figure in my city who works with people in these conditions so he is working very diligently for me and I love him so very much for doing this.

My parents are making some calls, I'm going into work for something to do and putting in solid work for my kids on my caseload and then I plan on reluctantly going back to my old AA meeting which I haven't been to in forever. I figure I'd go that out of my way into something so uncomfortable to use so now in effect I have to put that much work into the opposite. Trying to keep it simple.

Day 2 feels good, didn't really sleep but had some major mind breaking moments last night. Not as fearful and really just focusing on myself and not using while trying to let the pieces fall in place.

I am very open minded and I honestly do not know where this will is coming from, so at this point I am keeping myself open to all methods, including the steps/AA/NA because I figured that I am strong enough to know what I can and cannot get out of these programs. I just need to get off of this shit (all of it) right now and only I can do that.

Thanks for posting. I hope you all have a great day, I am going to try to have the best day myself.

Emotions: Humbled, shocked, grateful, scared, excited

Physical stuff: slight tension, slight headache, no sleep. Again, nowhere near as bad as I expected but of course the mental stuff is always harder in the end.
 
in a few hours itl be day 4 without alcohol. wd's werent that bad, i had some valium to manage the first 48 hours, the wd's didnt last as long as i thought they would. but now i really want to drink. anything sets me off.
 
chompy said:
in a few hours itl be day 4 without alcohol. wd's werent that bad, i had some valium to manage the first 48 hours, the wd's didnt last as long as i thought they would. but now i really want to drink. anything sets me off.
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Yeah, it takes time to build new habits to replace the old ones - and you actually need to develop new habits which become your new default behaviour.

Did you have any plans for how to deal with the mental aspects of being clean? Good sleep hygiene, eating well and exercising are essential but you need something which centres and grounds you too. Meditation's good but more difficult to learn when you're already under mental stress. Music's good, too. Try to find some things which you can't do on "autopilot" and which require your full attention.
 
Holy shit guys, have I had a rough past couple of days.

I arrive to work on day 3 cold turkey, now the night before I felt pretty good and asked "is this it?" Well the universe decided it wasn't and quickly threw me into a WD seizure at work. Thankfully several staff members acted quickly so that I did not chew off my tongue. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. I was then brought by an amublance to the ER, giving ativan shots and chilled out and came too.

My family quickly arrived and I was taken into Detox. I sat there for two days. The first night was brutal but the ativan helped the entire time. Second night wasn't as bad but still. Today I feel good but nervous as hell.

Still going to go to that meeting I planned to go to on Monday :) ... I will begin an independent living professionals only (my job places me as a sensitive needs individual) program tomorrow. It is a four to six week program. I'm scared but I know its the best decision I will ever make.

At this point I have no idea what to do with myself so I am just going to let the universe guide me where it may.
Day 4 for me!
 
It's way cool that your job can accommodate your needs.

No matter what else it does or doesn't achieve, the programme will give you something to focus your energy on in the coming weeks and that's important. It's too easy to backslide if you don't have a plan for what comes after you stop using your DoC - "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" rarely ends well.

Feeling nervous is probably a good sign - it shows that you're not counting your chickens before they hatch.

I'm really looking forward to your reports on the programme.
 
woah, welcome back.

incidents like that, where you are in a place you never thought you would be in, and then realizing it, is what stopped me dead in my tracks with alcohol...

the thought of giving your self, organs, loved ones up for that cheap drink is damn disturbing when it hits right.

i dont feel the use of willpower anymore, its clear that drinking is insanity for me, and i dont want it. the smell still brings back some sick feelings; but its a must cooking ;) but i dont buy it because it would go bad before i used it all, and thats my biggest stump now.

it gets easier with time, guaranteed, but you will get slammed with a trigger now and then, knowing how to recognize it for what it is, and what takes you back to you, as you where moments before is a formulated, but custom inner dialogue that can be rehearsed with most of your daily doings.
 
Slipped up abit on the drinking as i bought a 4 pack of guinesss. Down to 2 now.

As if my various addictions arent bad enough 8(
 
Just got pack from the meetings and they are still as weird as ever. Everyone was pretty damn nice though. People were really impressed that I went Detox>meeting>treatment
 
haven't had a good beer for 6 days ...

paranoid android said:
Slipped up abit on the drinking as i bought a 4 pack of guinesss. Down to 2 now.

As if my various addictions arent bad enough 8(
Click to expand...

hey everyone deserves a quality brew occasionally.
My body hates alcohol enough that I'm usually able to stick to a 2-beer limit these days
Can't beat Oregon beer in the States.
 
Quite surprised with myself actually. Just got back from my holiday for just over a week and didn't actually get drunk once the whole time (the most was 6 or 7 beers one afternoon I think), but now being home again, drinking and vals, and codeine 8)
 
^ Don't think its taken me too long to start falling back into my drinking and opiate use since getting home just a couple of days ago 8) as I guess would happen. My drug/alcohol counsellor asked me about that today actually. Am trying to stay better, but pft dunno. Getting drunk/fucked up right now.
 
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