Alcoholism Thread v. A sober life is a good life <3

[fivelinefury]

^Yup, cask stuff is way too cheap, and has been some baaad shit for me a few times.

Could be possible every now and then with my back actually n3o. Especially since i'm still on diazepam daily and sometimes have codeine also with alcohol, which all makes me drowsy, cept most of the time it still takes me between 1-3 hours to get to sleep, unless I actually totally passout. 8)

I've started dreaming all the time again since being put onto Sertraline a few weeks ago. They never make any sense whatsoever and always makes me wonder what the hell is going on in my poor brain haha.

Good girl for going to bed rather than the fridge. Thats awesome n3o. Is extremely easy to have a couple before going to sleep.

 

[fivelinefury]

You can still quit though! You do have the power to do so. I don't advise you do so suddenly, since I have personally witnessed someone go through delirium tremens, but I do think that you are able to quit whenever you are ready and willing to.

It may not be easy, it may even be the hardest thing you've ever done in life, I can't say for you, but I know that it IS possible and you CAN do this.

I know how impossible it can seem when you are still using, and I know when I was still addicted (to heroin) that someone telling me this would have meant the world to me.

Never give up hope in your ability to choose to create a better today for yourself.

Thanks for the support man. It does always help having someone telling ya this. And keeping clean from Heroin is a huge acheivement m8, good on ya.

Is exactly right how you say it may be the hardest thing to do in yur life. I reckon quitting all kinds of addictions (drugs, alcohol, gambling, smoking, etc, etc) has and will be certainly some of the hardest shit i'll ever have to do. I've been drinking for around 9 years (since I was 16-17), and alcohol has always been a hard one for me. I could rattle off at least 6 other substances which i've been addicted to in periods of that time, and more which i've abused also, but alcohol has just always been there.

And yur right. Having been addicted to diazepam for 6 years (around 80-150mg every day), if someone told me a couple of years ago that i'd be now stablised on 15mg a day and not just fighting off withdrawals constantly, I would have laughed at them.

Anyways thanks again man

 

[Asclepius]

As for me, I didn't drink a drop of alcohol yesterday because I went swimming with my sister after work then back to her place for dinner. Got home at about 11pm and just went to bed instead of drinking the 5 beers I have in my fridge.
FUCK did I have some crazy dreams last night!!!! I feel like I didn't sleep at all. I was just stuck in REM sleep all night, never actually made it to that proper deep sleep

But hey, feels better than being hungover.
I figured out that was my first alcohol-free day in about 6 weeks.

^Nicey one! Small Victory, but victory none the less! Are you getting enough Nutrients ATM?(Esp Vit B1,B6, B12 and Omega 6's) I find focusing on diet can help keep the mind off craving as well as restoring energy and boosting mood.
If you can stay off it for more than one day hopefully your sleep pattern will refine itself and you'll get some deep sleep(Dietry factors should help this too)- hope you do, there is nothing more healing x

 

[Dragynfyr]

What??? Wouldn't it be smarter for them just to prescribe you benzos, or advise you seek a doctor who is willing to prescribe you benzos to get off of alcohol? Diazepam tapers are practiced widely across different patients/situations, I don't see why they would tell you such a thing!

I hate our system too so you're not alone there.

There are actually better (in my opinion) drugs to use to get off of alcohol than benzodiazepines (all GABAergics have the same problem really), but this isn't the forum to delve into that.

I just wish you the best in finding a compassionate and caring doctor who helps you get off of alcohol. I can't understand why someone would tell you (even if it was off the record) to try to score anything off the streets.

What would you say is the problem with GABA interacting drugs to get off alcohol? I scored lyrica (not from a fucking DOCTOR or anything grrr) but yeah, I was drinking over a liter a day of vodka, and with the help of seroquil I tapered down for like 4-5 days only buying 6 packs of tall boys (pints) of natty ice. First could days I took down two 6's, after that got down to 1 1/2, 1, and by wednesday I had four beers and a doc appointment (where I was told to score benzos). My last official beer was at 3:00 that day, I drank two of the four cans, two in the fridge... kinda fuzzy on the transition between seoquil and the lyrica I was given by a friend. Anyway, I kinda was curious and I had 120 tabs sooo I ended up eating 20 over an hour lol tripped BALLS, CEVs almost as vivd as DXM, but no cloudy head, I was so straight cognitively that I was COMPLETELY caught off guard when I stood up and almost fell over lol I almost fell three times walking to my computer 10 feet away, my head was ok, but my body was wasted lol no coordination. Anywho, at that point (oh yeah, the last two weren't in the fridge yet actually) NOW they made their way to the refridgerator because I looked at the two full cans and just had noooo desire to drink them.
After another half hour or so they really kicked in and i was couch locked and tired as hell, after digging the visuals and focusing the blurs of colors into solid images, it moved to detailed pictures, but like strobing jumping from one location to another, jungle, streets of a town, then city, forest, flying above, but I had no control over it. Meditated for a bit on it and finally they slowed down to one image, the street lined with homes, and i fly down the street not by my control, but when I turned my head, the visuals reacted and I could turn to look around me in the CEVs. it wasn't quiite as vivid as dxm, but DAMN did it catch me off guard, that was sweet haha...

Anywho, I couldn't stay awake at all, passed out beautifully but only for 2.5 hours, after that I think I got that rebound effect they talk about with GHB where you sleep then wake up full of energy. I got up and rode the wave for a while but got sucked into reading an old email from an ex I never read or replied to, and I dunno why but I finally did. She wrote me like 4 pages, took a while. Wasn't easy.

I started to want a beer at one point because it was such a difficult thing to be reading a girl you loved trying to make lame excuses for fucking my best friend after her and I had a fight and were living together.. The DAY after she ran to his work and begged him for sex. And I could just feel that she was with someone else, but she wouldnt admit it when we we started hanging out again less than a week later. "She needed someone to talk to", bull fucking shit, he even told me she showed up asking to fuck and nothing else. Not to mention she DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIM, she just tried to do the thing that would hurt me the most and fuck up my life the most.. and she didnt tell me about it, and I had sloppy seconds with her. I fuckin knew it, she wouldn't let me go down on her, didn't want me to get a mouth full of my friend, fucking cunt. (Really REALLY cant tell you how dirty ive felt since i found out - we fucked for months till i found out- like.. just disgusting...cant scrub off enough skin in the shower kinda thing).

ANYWAY, instead of drinking at that point I grabbed ol slicey and went to town on my chest cutting it up. And it worked. For a while at least, an hour later I was craving again and moved back to the lyrica, think i too 50, and another 50 an hour later when it didnt do it, but that did. I had class that day at 2pm and had only got that 2 hours of sleep at midnight, and and my campus and a few people there are the source of a ton of anxiety, or at least major triggers, like black out panic attacks in the halls sometimes.. anyway, I panicked and went and grabbed the last two beers, drank em from like 11 till right before class haha Took a lyrica 20 minutes before going -

BEST DAY AT SCHOOL EVER!!! I was walking looking at more than the ground, and i wasn't scared, and wasn't quite so focused on finding someone and beating the living shit out of them the second i see them (think they may have dropped out since our incident actually- fuckin bitch can go back to Palestine where he belongs. Fagot cheats on his virgin fiance waiting for him back in Palestine, with a girl whose in a relationship -MY GIRL- me being 'his only real friend in this country'.. fucker cheats on his fiance he grew up with and knew for years, and ruins all the plans I had of sealing the deal with mine.. they fucking ruin my life all in one move, nice ). wow tangent sorry. Anyway, school was great, was able to take note faster than ever. And the beers before class that was at 2 on thursday was my last official drinks. Nothin since then and no plans of picking any up. =) I LOVE LYRICA today was the best day yet, I needed 100mg and today I just took 50mg before school and it lasted a whole 5 hours before I needed another (just now actually ha). Anyway, anxiety is like goooone, I still walk around with a folded and rolled school news paper that I hold in a clutched fist like a roll of quarters concealed in my hoodie pocket ready to knock that mother fuckers teeth in if I see him.. but hey, I'm not like focused on it and about to have a panic attack OR big one- CRAVING ALCOHOL! Like zero desire to drink, this is friggen great =-) REALLY love lyrica..

*phew* that was a rant (my A.D.D. thing seems to have changed too, I've been writing like a mother fucker haha)

As per the school:

My shitty school no longer prescribes benzos. They DID last year, but they changed the staff and now we're all fucked. I have no income at all.. so doctor referrals don't mean shit. My school insurance sucks cock, I got my appendix out and with the insurance I still owe 1500, plus a whole lot of other old med bills I never could pay heading to collections.. so yeah, outside help is not an option. god bless a mentally different neighbor with scripts for everything, he had JUST taken himself off lyrica, like had tapered down for a month, when I walked in after that doc appointment and told him I was told to find benzos on my own and said I really just want lyrica cause he'd given me some before and it killed my anxiety and my desire to drink, along with w'ds id usually get.. well he goes away and tosses me a 120ct bottle PRAISE MY NEIGHBOR THANK YOU, told me he has five refills and more if he wants them. YAY

So yeah.. here I am, feeling better than I should be hah

I was once told in a methadone clinic, off the record, when I was on a discharge to score heroin off the streets, couldn't believe it.

do what ya gotta do

WHAT?!?! That is absolutely outrageous

very




~~~~~~~
last official beer: ~2pm wednesday
last two slip beers:~1pm Thursday
All outta booze, no desire to buy

YOU SHOULD ALL TRY TO GET LYRICA IF YOU WANT TO QUIT I AM SO SOLD!

 

[Mariposa]

It shocks me that people are being told to score off the street to wean themselves from their habits. Way to go, 'modern medicine'. If my pdoc said that to me, I'd probably report him/her to the medical board. We clearly have a long way to go in treatment of addiction.

Dragynfyr, you know this, but you're substituting one addiction for another with the cutting. Yeah, what happened to you was fucked up. Lyrica is a useful treatment for many things. But it does not make any sort of decent substitute for therapy and a healthy lifestyle. I would also disconnect from the girl; she has no respect for you or herself, and most of all - pitch Old Slicey.

I am pleased to report that I've sustained my progress. I have not quit, but I do not drink every day now, and I haven't done anything stupid. I exercise, I go out, I drink socially and less of it. If I can maintain what I am doing now, my health and sanity will be preserved.

 

[myles p]

I'm almost four months sober, I have been out of rehab for two months and haven't drank, but holy fuck the last couple of days I have been on fire.

I don't want to drink, but I do so bad at the same time. Today is day 111 without anything but I'm so tempted to go buy a 26 of whiskey and just chill out. The thing I'm scared of though is going back to daily drinking. I wish I could just get loaded once a week and keep it at that but I'm not sure if I can. I'm really thinking about going to the liquor store and just saying screw it. I go to meetings a few times a week and have a cool sponsor and I don't want to mess that up, but these cravings are unbearable.

I don't get it, from like day 90 - 105 I was fine, but now I'm jonesing almost as bad as when I go through withdrawls.

 

[phactor]

Haven't been around much, and sadly I am not returning in a good state. See over the past few months I started relapsing with the opiates quite frequently. Started throwing a little coke in there too while drinking. Went on a month long pretty frequent coke binge that entailed alot of drinking. Stayed moderate otherwises but my levels increased and all the other shit on top and my life feel apart at home.

I will be taking a family emergency leave day and going to get assessed by a psychiatrist and will be doing therapy/possible out patient. My family had an intervention for me which I knew was coming so I was not surprised. It went well and frankly I am just too tired to keep doing this to myself. My parents and family are not very keen on the 12 steps which is good. My father is really liking a short term suboxone treatment. I think I need some medications (my work has improved dramatically sense I started on some) and some therapy. I have some really deep shit that I need to come out. I feel like I am in a good spot, I don't want to keep doing this to myself and my loved ones anymore. I've been using for 10 years and around the block several times to know that it fucking sucks in the end.

So I will be updating frequently. CT for me tonight, thankfully I am not dependent on opiates right now so it will just be mild alcohol withdrawals. I will keep updating.

As for never drinking again? Who knows I cannot think about that right now. I wont be for awhile thats for fucking sure.

And in advance, thanks for suggesting AA meetings to me, but it isn't my thing. I've done that route and I end up walking out of meetings more depressed.

emotions right now: Mad, Guilty, Sad, Relieved, depressed. The thing I like though is I am not trying to scheme something.

Another major deal is I have to get out of Rockford soon. I cannot live here much longer.

I am also reading the book by the people at passages.

 

[phactor]

It is becoming obvious to me now that when I quit opiates about 2 months ago, I traded it for a daily alcohol problem. First it was just one or two beers after work, and although I haven't "graduated" to anything harder, my beer consumption has increased to the point where every work night this week I have had at least 6. I never was a drinker in the past except when going out, but I need to keep an eye on my drinking just to be sure.

Welcome to the club...

I did this trade about 8 years ago! Probem is I kept using the other stuff but not as much. Really watch it man. Now I'm at the point of having to probably do therapy and pysch meds, mainly because of the booze.

 

[Lolie]

I'm almost four months sober, I have been out of rehab for two months and haven't drank, but holy fuck the last couple of days I have been on fire.

I don't want to drink, but I do so bad at the same time. Today is day 111 without anything but I'm so tempted to go buy a 26 of whiskey and just chill out. The thing I'm scared of though is going back to daily drinking. I wish I could just get loaded once a week and keep it at that but I'm not sure if I can. I'm really thinking about going to the liquor store and just saying screw it. I go to meetings a few times a week and have a cool sponsor and I don't want to mess that up, but these cravings are unbearable.

I don't get it, from like day 90 - 105 I was fine, but now I'm jonesing almost as bad as when I go through withdrawls.

Two months isn't very long in which to develop new patterns of behaviour - it's not really long enough for not drinking to have become your default behaviour. The fact that you'd like to get loaded once a week is a pretty big red flag. That's still abusing alcohol and making drinking a recreational activity - that's high risk behavior at this point.

Abstinence has never been my own goal. Not abusing alcohol was and remains my goal. But after over a year of unplanned abstinence, the idea of getting drunk has no appeal for me at all. When I'm offered alcohol, I decide in that moment whether or not I want it and so far I haven't wanted it.

Stopping drinking came at the end of a lot of other life changes for me and was unintentional and I often wonder if that's what made it easier than the normal detox/rehab plan of stopping drinking and then changing your life in other ways. I already had new coping strategies in place and I'd already eliminated triggering people and situations from my life and that pretty much eliminated the desire to drink.

I think that for many people - and this may be true for you - the focus in 12 step programmes on days clean and on total abstinence keeps people emotionally tied to alcohol. They don't develop any sort of neutrality or indifference towards it. It's like trying to get over a relationship while at the same time counting the days since you broke up.

There's some evidence that it takes about a year for people to stop thinking like substance abusers after they cease using their drug of choice. It's probably not a great idea to test whether or not you can become a social drinker until you think and feel differently about alcohol, but having said that it's also important to remember that a lapse is just that. If you do lapse one day, that doesn't mean you have to continue lapsing the following day or week. It doesn't "erase" your clean time.

Can you identify specifically what feeling it is that you're craving at the moment?

 

[phactor]

There's some evidence that it takes about a year for people to stop thinking like substance abusers after they cease using their drug of choice. It's probably not a great idea to test whether or not you can become a social drinker until you think and feel differently about alcohol, but having said that it's also important to remember that a lapse is just that. If you do lapse one day, that doesn't mean you have to continue lapsing the following day or week. It doesn't "erase" your clean time.

Can you identify specifically what feeling it is that you're craving at the moment?

Very much agree with you. One of my major issues with the 12 step program is relapse is demonized and turned into a moral failure.

I really feel like the things are finally shifting... there are plenty of meds and therapy programs that can help. The all or nothing approach simply doesn't work IMO.

 

[phactor]

9/4/10: Hopefully this is an important day for me.

Well its an hour past when I would start, I feel slightly anxious, bored out of my skull, mad at myself and the world and a little disoriented with a slight headache. Depressed, but not like it used to be before I started the Prozac. Not really planning on sleeping tonight. I have melatonin but my family doesn't want to give me any Tyelnol PMs. I think I can convince them to at some point.

Started smoking openly in front of my family again after the intervention lol.... they gotta give me that. Been smoking mad cigs of course.

Anyways I have to take a FEMA day tomorrow and work is not going to be happy. I think they are a significant contributer to my problems though so I am just not trying to think about it.


ALSO shit always happens in October to me, both good and bad. I started intensive outpatient in Oct in like 00, again in 04. Then last year had 3 weeks clean and drank again.

Being real with myself: I would be able to follow through with my plans anyways in the state that I was in. I have to clean myself up bigtime before I take that next step.

 

[Lolie]

^^^

November through January is a particularly stressful time for me each year and I start stressing out about it in October. It's also a really social time in general in Australia as the pre-Christmas drinks thing starts followed by the Christmas drinks, the New Year's drinks and the post New Year's drinks.

Before I even stopped drinking I found that my tolerance for being around drunk people had dropped to almost zero, so I suspect that those social catch-ups aren't going to seem very appealing this year. I don't really expect to feel like I'm missing out on anything.

I guess one thing of which I'm much more aware these days is that there's pretty much always some stress coming up or just passed in most people's lives. All of us are always either dealing with or getting over some kind of disruption or upheaval in our lives, it's just that some people use that as an excuse to abuse their drug of choice and some don't - and those that do also use their drug of choice to celebrate good stuff.

We can always find some reason to justify our abuse - something good just happened, let's have a drink; something bad just happened, let's have a drink to drown our sorrows; nothing's happened of note, let's have a drink to chill out and relax.

Everyone I know who's still abusing alcohol says that they're bored when they're not drinking and yet they don't do anything other than sit around dribbling bullshit when they are drinking (usually the same bullshit they've dribbled the last 17 times they were drunk).

For me what alcohol did was still my mind chatter and provide me with an escape from thinking about my problems. It didn't make life less "boring" - I actually did a lot less stuff when I was drinking than I do now - but I do often wonder if people mean that they think there'll be a vacuum in their lives when they stop abusing because they're used to their thoughts and actions each day being centred on obtaining and consuming their drug of choice and can't imagine finding anything else filling in that time.

 

[FreeThePod]

but I do often wonder if people mean that they think there'll be a vacuum in their lives when they stop abusing because they're used to their thoughts and actions each day being centred on obtaining and consuming their drug of choice and can't imagine finding anything else filling in that time.

Of course, people are afraid of change. Besides that, there's withdrawal to worry about and PAWS which are both very unpleasant. But everything you said is good advice; it's sad to know some people will never break the habit, or they'll die from their habit much too early in life than need be.

I love this thread, it's inspirational. Unfortunately I haven't quit drinking, sigh.

 

[phactor]

For me what alcohol did was still my mind chatter and provide me with an escape from thinking about my problems. It didn't make life less "boring" - I actually did a lot less stuff when I was drinking than I do now - but I do often wonder if people mean that they think there'll be a vacuum in their lives when they stop abusing because they're used to their thoughts and actions each day being centred on obtaining and consuming their drug of choice and can't imagine finding anything else filling in that time.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart... I really needed this very much right now

 

[Lolie]

Of course, people are afraid of change. Besides that, there's withdrawal to worry about and PAWS which are both very unpleasant. But everything you said is good advice; it's sad to know some people will never break the habit, or they'll die from their habit much too early in life than need be.

I love this thread, it's inspirational. Unfortunately I haven't quit drinking, sigh.

From what I've observed, fear of withdrawals and PAWS stops a lot of people from even trying to give up their DoC, even though the truth is that they aren't an issue for everyone and they can often be managed even when they are - and many people subject themselves to even more unpleasant things in order to maintain their addictions.

I suspect that a lot more people would be willing to at least try giving up their substance of choice if there wasn't so much of a culture of fear around dependence and if lapses weren't seen as some kind of moral failure. But it's politically incorrect to tell someone that it's worth trying and they can always go back to their DoC if PAWS becomes intolerable.

There also seems to be a belief in some sections of the recovery industry that making getting clean as unpleasant as possible will act as a deterrent against relapse - that if it's a really nasty experience, people will stay clean in order to avoid having to repeat it.

At least a couple of my friends will die from alcohol-related disease in their fifties and to be honest they're not too disturbed by that idea because a lot of the damage which alcohol has caused in their lives is irreparable and getting sober wouldn't fix it. They see little point in getting sober purely for the sake of getting sober and I can kind of understand their viewpoint about that - they don't have the same options for "starting over" and building a functional, fulfilling life as they would have had in their thirties or forties and they know that.

 

[chompy]

Hi all, checking back in here. I'm detoxing yet again from the booze.

24 hours no drink now. I managed to ween myself from 18 beers a day down to 6 to 12, then I went to the doctor to get valium and seroquel.

 

[Lolie]

Hi all, checking back in here. I'm detoxing yet again from the booze.

24 hours no drink now. I managed to ween myself from 18 beers a day down to 6 to 12, then I went to the doctor to get valium and seroquel.

I'm sure you know to be careful with the Valium. It's probably overkill adding the Seroquel to the Valium but it's unlikely to hurt in the short term.

 

[chompy]

let the sweats begin....its 66 degrees at night tho thank god.

 

[Lolie]

let the sweats begin....its 66 degrees at night tho thank god.

I used to have restless, sweaty/chilly sleep when I was drinking 12+ hours a day anyway so I didn't find it particularly bad when I stopped drinking - the only thing I missed out on was the two or three hours of being passed out which preceded it when I was drinking.

If you can, try daytime naps. I usually found that I could manage them and at least get some rest even when night-time sleep was elusive.

 

[phactor]

Made it through the night and day fine... way less physical WDs so far and I sure as fuck don't feel like drinking today. I always build up withdrawals in my head and they are so less then they are. Took my anti d's today.

I love my family so much its not even funny. Frankly I wanted to be caught, I was being so careless and leaving out obvious paraphenila. I just want to stop being addicted. My dad is putting in a lot of work in good addiction pychatrists and bupe doctors (I will be doing intensive therapy). I am going to have to take a FMLA day and going up to hopefully see a psychiatrist and also go to a rehab facility. I'm pretty sure the recommendation at the rehab facility will be intensive outpatient.

If that doesn't work (I have shit insurance) we are going to look around here for additional doctors. I will do the 12 step game if I have to but I just really do not like it at all.

1: Thoughs: Proud, Nervous, Anxious, Scared, Remorsefull, feeling like I have a great future and determined. Weird shit eh?