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alcoholism thread [merged]

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Best of luck AmorRoark <3
My partner and I do the weekend-only-drinking as well. At the moment however, I'm still drinking every day but I'm only having one or two drinks on weeknights.
When you make it the whole 5 days without drinking it is the best feeling! You feel so much more healthy and intelligent. Even though you say you drink to break up the stress of school through the week, your school work will benefit so much more from not drinking on weeknights.

But you know this ;) :)
 
I gave in and drank last night. Not too much, though. I'm going to aim for another 5 days off now. n3o, you are right, after 5 days of not drinking, it's amazing how un-cloudy your head feels. I felt like a normal person again.

Day 1 of 5 as of now.
 
MynameisnotDeja said:
Thank you. I just am worried about being able to stick to it. It's really scary, the way I have such drastic consequences SO fast from drinking.

When I drink, I absolutely cannot control myself. I never have any desire to moderate, moderation always feels pointless to me. I'm a creature of extremes. For me it's either dont touch alcohol at all (like I managed to do all that time) or raging alcoholic "party girl".

I guess being "that girl" at the party is funny/cute once in awhile, when you are young. Everyone is "that girl" once in awhile, you know, the girl who is slurring her words, stumbling around, hanging all over whatever guy is closest to her, calling everyone names like "babe" and "hunny" and telling everyone she loves them, etc. Drinking too much happens to everyone once in awhile and for some people it means laughing about it the next day with their friends..

Except for me, I was "that girl" and then some, EVERY time. And to extremes. I'm 110 pounds and I drank 2.5 bottles of red wine on the night I hit my bottom. I started getting wasted after about .05 bottles so that should tell you how wasted I was by the end of the night. It's crazy, but alcohol unleashes some sort of sinister force within me that can't be stopped. I wish I could say "getting crazy" when I'm drunk was limted to stumbling around and hugging everyone and saying I love everyone. But no, when I drink, I do horrible things, like have sex with people I don't even know. I had sex with someone I literally didn't even know him at all, I simply walked up to him, grabbed him, dragged him outside and screwed him in someones car. I still don't even know who he was! It hurts me SO much, because it's not that I don't respect myself, I DO respect myself and alcohol takes me to this place where that respect is just gone, theres no respect for my body, my character, my safety, my reputation, my morals, NOTHING. All gone.

And like I said, this happens every time I drink. I've done such horrible things. I've had sex with other womens husbands and only realized it with horror slowly sobering up at 5am and basically bolting to my car to get out of the situation, disgusted with myself.

I've driven drunk, GOD I've driven so drunk I could barely see, I'm so lucky, there aren't words for how lucky I feel I am, it SCARES me. It's hard to explain, I mean the past is the past and I survived it and nothing can change that but it SCARES me so much now, thinking about these things I've done. I once drove through the small city I live in the middle of the night, RAGING drunk, way over the speed limit and I just blew through every red light, tempting fate because of the thrill it gave me. I knew I could die and that turned me on, at the time. God...

I've been so drunk I thought it would be amusing to put cigarettes out on my arm and awoke with extremely painful burns the next day..

I've had alcohol poisoning so many times..

I've done really violent, mean things to people, like destroyed peoples property for no reason, harrassed innocent people who just happened to be nearby (once I was in a bar and I decided some girl there was a "slut" and I followed her trying to pick a fight with her and calling her a whore til she left, I'm lucky she didn't punch my lights out), and to this day I feel so terrible for doing that to this random girl who never did anything to me. :(

I'm sharing all this because I am working on forgiving myself and I feel an important part of that is really laying it out there, being like THIS IS WHAT IVE DONE, not locking it away in some shame box inside, because I know I didn't mean to do those things, but alcohol will only bring out the worst in me, it always has, always, in fact ever since I had my first drink I have been experiencing those "day afters" full of regret.

I want to forgive myself. But I'm not quite there yet.
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Forgive me for quoting such an old post, but I was reading through this thread and wanted to say how much this post hit home with me. Seriously. I'm in tears at work.

I have destroyed my reputation and some relationships due to my alcohol abuse. I am always, "that girl." I'm out of control when I drink. I sleep with men I would have never even thought about otherwise. Sometimes I become combative. Sometimes emotional. And every time I drink now, I wake up embarrassed, regretting something I did or said. Every single time.

I come from a long line of alcoholics. My father is one. His father is one. You know the drill. I've known for a long time that I have a problem with alcohol. I do not drink every day, but when I do drink, two or three beers just doesn't cut it. Moderation is not a word in my vocabulary. I've tried to limit my intake. My friends will say, "Hey, want a beer?" I'll refuse it at first... but then I just can't think of anything else. So I'll limit myself to one. Then when the first one's gone, "Oh, two won't hurt." Three shots, two rum and diets, and Lord knows how many beers later, I'm waking up on the floor with a headache, a bad taste in my mouth, and little to no memory of the night before.

I'm in a serious relationship now with a man who I love. He's incredible. The last thing I want to do is screw it up because I'm a freakin' drunk. And it's just not the relationship with him that I want to maintain... it's all of my remaining relationships. I want to find who I am again. I want to be in a social situation without using alcohol as a crutch. I've been doing better lately, but I haven't been perfect. It's just tough because it's so accessible.

Thanks for letting me spill my guts. Good luck to everyone.
 
^ Good luck hun. I know your pain all too well. I'm always 'that girl' when I go out. And considering I have to see the people who I go out with on a day-to-day basis it's pretty damned embarrassing. I don't go out too often anymore and when I do I try to go with my boyfriend who will help me by knowing when enough is enough and take me home. :\ Seriously, the only real solution for me has been to NOT go out.
 
Ready to get back to drinkin

I've been alcohol free for 5 years after 30 years of drinking beer . Life has sucked for that 5 years too . After a motorcycle wreck I got addicted to Hydrocodone for about 2 years within that 5 year period . I feel like i might as well be dead , I at least might as well be at work on the weekends instead of pacing back and forth around the house . I've lost all desire to get started on the hobbies that I used to love . Yeah theres places I could go but no where that exites me . I dont have any friends anymore cuz i ran them all off while i was trying to quit drinking . I dont go to AA cuz they speak a whole different language then me (joyfull , glee , wonderful , fellowship) . I went to see a shrink just to see what he had to say , said I have a slight case of anxiety and dosn't recommend meds , says he can talk me through it , yeah right ! So i left and never went back . This shit sucks so bad . Man I,m dieing for a high , any mellow high .
 
trancegirle said:
I'm so drunk, $3 bottles of wine from aldi = gooooood but not so good i guess
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Sounds like you were having fun at the time!

I am really, really in the mood to get trashed tonight, but I am going to hold back. It's been a very bad day.

AmorRoark said:
(...) I'm always 'that girl' when I go out. And considering I have to see the people who I go out with on a day-to-day basis it's pretty damned embarrassing. I don't go out too often anymore and when I do I try to go with my boyfriend who will help me by knowing when enough is enough and take me home. Seriously, the only real solution for me has been to NOT go out.
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Dude, I wish I could be 'that guy' when I go out (never anymore). My tolerance is so high now, though, that I'll pass out/get sick before I feel enough euphoria or loss-of-inhibition to get myself into trouble. Haha, you'd probably trade with me in a second. But ya, at least you go out and drink and get to have some fun (even if it comes with shame), and aren't like some of us alone drinkers at home. I think getting drunk in public, even to access, is less frowned upon by our culture than s/he who sits at home self-medicating with alcohol (i.e. me).

ellipsis and sick shift, welcome to the thread.
 
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^ Oh, well, the shame has caused me to shift to the 'drinking at home alone' persona as well. <3 ;) How high is your tolerance? I feel like mine is rather high but my boyfriend (doesn't drink) thinks otherwise.
 
sick shift, it does sound like a lot of your hurting is social. AA might not have worked socially but I doubt alcohol is going to be much of a tonic for what ails you. If it is more power to you. You've mentioned two things you have tried AA and a single trip to a psychiatrist. Your life and well being deserves more than two approaches to your problem. I feel your despair, it makes things seem much more hopeless than they are. How about giving another Doc a try and investigating some talk therapy if recommended. Or volunteering somewhere where you get meaning from the mission and receive appreciation and belonging. I'm sorry you are hurting.
 
If we're calling a standard drink 1 shot of 80 proof liquor, 1 average beer, 1/7th a bottle of wine, etc.....

For a fun night, drunk for several hours with euphoria and getting to 'that guy' level, WITHOUT getting sick, I'd need around 15 standard drinks.

"" with pushing the getting sick level is over 20.

To feel any buzz at all, I need about 2.5 standard drinks at once. I can easily drink 10 standard units in an hour and still walk and talk properly (though feeling good). I've done the "Edward 40-hands" thing with 40s that amounted to around 10 standard drinks, and I did that in an hour and was fine, and continued drinking.

I'm only around 140lbs, too. First year of college, I'd be in the toilet if I tried to drink a six-pack in a night. Give me a 40 back then, and it was a big night of drinking!

Edit: I will also say that I own a breathilizer, and I act much more normal at high blows than other people seem to. I've blown .20 before when I've felt perfectly under control. Body is used to the sauce.
 
I am really failing hard at the moment :(
I really wish I could give everyone in here the love and encouragment you all need but I would feel like such a damn hypocrite.
Sorry guys, epic fail :(
 
n3ophy7e said:
I am really failing hard at the moment :(
I really wish I could give everyone in here the love and encouragment you all need but I would feel like such a damn hypocrite.
Sorry guys, epic fail :(
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<3 I know it's cliche but tomorrow is a new day. <3

You've been so supportive to all of us... let us give some love too. ::hugs::

I don't know where you are but I hope it helps to know that we've probably all been there too. ::another hug::
 
Redleader said:
If we're calling a standard drink 1 shot of 80 proof liquor, 1 average beer, 1/7th a bottle of wine, etc.....

For a fun night, drunk for several hours with euphoria and getting to 'that guy' level, WITHOUT getting sick, I'd need around 15 standard drinks.

"" with pushing the getting sick level is over 20.

To feel any buzz at all, I need about 2.5 standard drinks at once. I can easily drink 10 standard units in an hour and still walk and talk properly (though feeling good). I've done the "Edward 40-hands" thing with 40s that amounted to around 10 standard drinks, and I did that in an hour and was fine, and continued drinking.

I'm only around 140lbs, too. First year of college, I'd be in the toilet if I tried to drink a six-pack in a night. Give me a 40 back then, and it was a big night of drinking!

Edit: I will also say that I own a breathilizer, and I act much more normal at high blows than other people seem to. I've blown .20 before when I've felt perfectly under control. Body is used to the sauce.
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I'm a bit lower than you. If I let myself drink to my desire I'll drink a little over half a fifth a night (every night, ugh). The all-knowing online sources say there are 25 1/2 shots in a fifth. So when I go all out I probably drink about 13-15 shots. This generally puts me out. Ugh. I hate writing that all out. Makes me feel like a real drunk (which I am). :o :\
 
AmorRoark said:
I'm a bit lower than you. If I let myself drink to my desire I'll drink a little over half a fifth a night (every night, ugh). The all-knowing online sources say there are 25 1/2 shots in a fifth. So when I go all out I probably drink about 13-15 shots. This generally puts me out. Ugh. I hate writing that all out. Makes me feel like a real drunk (which I am). :o :\
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How many years have you been drinking? Both overall, and in "tolerance-boosting mode," to put it nicely. Which liquor? Ahh, liquor seems to be the worst on the body for addiction (wine for hangovers, beer for gettin' fat).

Do you like beer? Malt stuff? I know that you know this stuff, but it's often easier to cut back from liquor by slowly converting over to beer or malt liquor, and then tapering on that. At least that's what I've heard from experts, and it worked during my last successful (well, 16 days...) sober go.

Do you feel addicted physically? I mean if you're drinking a tenth a night, or you were, that had to get at ya.
 
I've drank every day this week.
I'm not coping too well with (illicit) sobriety, and just got cut back @ work, a first .. Total sobriety is the only way I can possibly stay on top of life, and I don't see it happening.
 
^ Sorry to hear you got cut back at work! I'm in the same boat :( It's sad to hear how many people are losing work lately. The heavy drinking started when i lost my job last year and also the reason i lost the job i did get. Now i'm unemployed again. And drinking every day makes it very hard to look for work. It's a bitch, finding work at the moment is hard enough as it is.

Knowing that you need to stay sober is the first step though. It took me a while before i realised that's what i needed to get back on top again. I thought i could live life around my drinking - how silly now i look back.

I have been feeling guilty all day about how much i drank last night, and my body gave me shakes just to remind me of that. I'm not drinking today but could so use a drink.
 
I mixed a 26% "Pinapple Rum" 750ml bottle into other juices, and have been drinking it over the night.

Had my sister and her friends over, we all laughed and had fun, I doubt they noticed my "frequent breaks". They're all sober.

But that's still pretty pathetic behaviour.

I'm barely drunk now, but the bottle is empty. I hope it isn't one of "those nights." I want to sleep a nice, 8 hours or so.

I hope everyone else is okay. Seriously....we've all been struggling lately. :(

Maybe next week? Promise, anyone?
 
Redleader said:
How many years have you been drinking? Both overall, and in "tolerance-boosting mode," to put it nicely. Which liquor? Ahh, liquor seems to be the worst on the body for addiction (wine for hangovers, beer for gettin' fat).

Do you like beer? Malt stuff? I know that you know this stuff, but it's often easier to cut back from liquor by slowly converting over to beer or malt liquor, and then tapering on that. At least that's what I've heard from experts, and it worked during my last successful (well, 16 days...) sober go.

Do you feel addicted physically? I mean if you're drinking a tenth a night, or you were, that had to get at ya.
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I've been drinking about that much for a year or so. I drink Canadian whiskey. I don't like beer because I can't drink much of it. 8) I use to drink beer on days I wanted to cut back but now I can't drink at all during the week. I drank way too much last night. Ugh. I don't think I'm physically addicted as I went 5 days prior to last night without drinking. Definitely mentally addicted. :\
 
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