Just thought I'd share my story with all of the readers of this thread, for 2 reasons. a) Hopefully telling what happened to me will curb others from heading down that same path before it's too late, and, b) It feels really good to get it all out there on to paper, so to speak.
--------- Warning: This is a fairly long post ----------
It all started about 3 months ago. Day after day I was getting bad news about people dying either from car accidents (4 deaths in 2 days, 1 survivor in an unrelated accident with broken ribs), suicides (friend drank floor cleaner), and all around bad shit -- to put it bluntly.
Combine that with working in the food industry, dealing with a girlfriend who abuses cocaine and ecstasy way too much, losing 2 jobs due to dickhead bosses (I got fired for throwing out spoiled food, what?!) and before I knew it I was drinking a 26 or more a day, easily.
I had tried to decrease my intake so many times, but every night.. for 3 months, phone calls about friends getting raped, or friends coming clean about being molested as children. It was non-stop.
When my absolutely wonderful girlfriend (who has since become much better with her use), threatened to leave me after seeing what was going on, that was it. I didn't eat for 3 days, hadn't slept in about a week, and my only fluid intake pretty much was gingerale or straight vodka. I wasn't even playing guitar anymore or tattooing, my two true passions.
One night, and I don't even remember what happened to lead up to this, I started to throw up violently from 7am, straight through 'til 9-10 pm at night at the hospital. The night before is a blur, but I think it was a night I decided to quit drinking, or I ran out of cash for liquor, who knows. Alas, the withdrawals the next day hit at 7am, and they hit unbelievably fucking hard.
Until that night I had a fear of vomiting, well, not so much a fear, but a strong resistance to it. I'd rather be in agony for 3 hours than throw up and feel fine in 10 mins. Well, after that day.. the fear is gone (amazing how being subjected to something over and over will reduce your fear of it). I threw up so hard, and shook so hard, my throat was absolutely raw from all the acids coming up. I couldn't swallow at all for 2 days.
At about 6pm the day of all the throwing up and general withdrawals, I hit a breaking point and called an ambulance explaining my situation. When they arrived, I was so dehydrated from the drinking, I begged the paramedic in the back of the van for some water. He refused, angrily. My mouth was so dry and my throat hurt so bad I pleaded for some water on the way to the hospital. He kept saying no, claiming I'd throw it up anyways. I said I didn't care, I needed water.
When he kept refusing, I finally said ok fuck you, and somehow found the energy to walk out of the ambulance. When I got back home to drink some water, I threw up some more and called my dad. I said that I think my body is finally giving up on me, and I needed him to take me to the hospital asap. He said I should call an ambulance, and I explained what happened. After hearing about it, he quickly drove over and took me to an emergency unit.
I threw up in the waiting room, I threw up while talking to the preliminary nurse, and I kept throwing up even while in the hospital bed. The hallucinations were so bad and I was so dehydrated the doctor rushed to see me first.
I was dangerously dehydrated and malnourished, they hooked me up to a vitals monitor and my blood pressure and pulse were dangerously high. Luckily, the doctor there let me sip on water, along with an IV and gravol to stop the throwing up and replenish my body. For the alcohol withdrawals, which were getting worse by the minute, they gave me 2mg ativan in two, 1 mg doses. The first one did nothing, and I laid there on the table shaking for another 2 hours or so (9pm at this point)
After seeing I was still shaking, though no longer puking, they gave me another 1mg of ativan which finally stopped the shakes, though the hallucinations were still very real.
I was finally released, same-day, at about midnight. When I finally stood up I kept toppling over, either from exhaustion or all the ativan they loaded me up with. They sent me home with 4mg more ativan, and I said I would check into detox the next morning. Next morning came, I went to the detox center, and it was a nightmare. I wasn't allowed my mp3 player, my books, or anything else I brought to keep my mind off of things. And, not only that, I was sharing a room with 20 _serious_ drug abusers. The place was filthy, and the beds were practically right next to eachother. I wasn't allowed my cell phone, visitors, or to leave at any point without leaving the program all together.
So, I left. The nurses created a big scene making me feel like an asshole, but I knew I wouldn't last long there without going crazy. (The meals were horrible, and the only other food was a candy machine..) So, after leaving, I went to another clinic and, after getting chewed out by a doctor who just got scammed for benzos, he gave me 10mg more ativan as I planned to detox with them.
I didn't have a drink for 12 days thanks to the ativan, the first night after the detox center was absolutel hell, even with ativan. The hallucinations were terrifying. I felt bugs, I kept hearing very real voices that I caught myself speaking to, I felt hands grabbing my feet in bed, and I kept having nightmares where I kept throwing up, just like the night before.
All this finally stopped on day 2 with no liquor. I still felt like absolute hell, I couldn't work, and I had zero energy. If I didn't have a big bag of pot, I probably wouldn't have eaten at all. Luckily though, I ate and ate and ate. My body needed it, and the pot probably took it to the next level, so I ate and slept for about 4 days.
Day 5 I was finally starting to stabilize, though I wouldn't feel 100% until I went off the ativan, which I had virtually no withdrawals from at all. I did this on day 6 or 7, I don't remember.
Day 14 I had a couple shots, and that was it. I was off ativan, wasn't smoking pot, and, in a way, I wanted to test myself. So I had 2 shots and stopped. Next day, I only had one shot, and stopped. The next day, no chemicals (aside from nicotine) at all, and felt great. My energy levels were soaring, I was eating right, drinking tons of water.
Now I'm able to drink socially, and don't have cravings to drink more and more. If I set out to have 4 shots, that's all I'll have. It sucked at first I suppose, but I adjusted to this new lifestyle quicker than I expected.
I credit the recovery to ativan, a little marijuana and great support from my girlfriend and family. I know I will never slip back into the 26 a day habit, for I never want to be in that hell ever again. It seriously put a dent in my psyche, in a good way. I suppose those who can't drink socially after an episode like this perhaps never really hit bottom like I did -- in such a profound way. Or not, who knows. One thing's for sure, I have a lot of difficulties swallowing the idea that it's either all or nothing for those who are supposed "alcoholics."
Granted, I realize there are some people who simply can not have one drink and stop. But in my experience, There is light at the end of the tunnel, and there is a way to find that grey area where you can drink socially like a "normal" person. For me, it took hitting bottom to get there.
And you really have no idea how good it feels to no longer be a slave to the drink. To wake up shaking and nauseous every day until you somehow find energy to walk to the liquor store. My left thumb is tingly from nerve damage from the 3 month disaster. I guess in a way it's a serious reminder never to slip down that slippery slope again, no matter what shit is storming around you. I've learned that if I take people's problems on as my own (like I have a really hard time avoiding), it will, as history has proven, destroy me. So I march on a new man, incredible growth has been found through this suffering, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
It's a very ugly drug, so be careful and take care of yourselves!
in aus we actually get more money from the government if you are declared as an alcoholic. Although it still does put a black mark on your record. I'm so drunk right now i am finding it hard to type/ Mostly the reason i stepped down from moderating.. I don't know how to function not on alcohol. I'm taking baby steps as n3o and claire suggested and have gone 2 days this week sober. FUCK it was hard but got to keep on trying you know, sometimes life just seems easier this way. From the outside looking in how ashamed of myself i am 
claire
. But one thing that I noticed when I cut down was how awful booze made me feel compared to other drugs. The hangover, anxiety, paranoia, self- destructivness, depression, being sick plus I hate me when I'm pissed up. I don't know maybe I've grown up a little. Or just traded addictions. By the way I am in no way advising you to swap to opiates- this was my personal journey.
