Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 6.0

[munki]

Day 3 of no drinking. Had gone on yet another bender last weekend and ended up causing a lot of strife to different individuals, most importantly my SO. Lost my car keys, pissed off others, and was generally incapacitated. Some other alcoholic accused me of being an alcoholic, and somehow it was a turning point for me. Had to go to an AA meeting as part of a homework assignment the day after, still completely hungover and in shame, and realized that I probably really just need to stop. I have had so many blackouts the past six months, all under the pretense of having a good time out dancing. People at the meeting were very welcoming but I was feeling too shameful and shy to share any stories. A woman passed around the schedule book and got at least six people to write down their numbers, and she urged me to not hesitate to contact any of them...but I don't know if I will.

Woke up feeling really depressed and irritable today, BF couldn't understand, and then he told my 5 yo son that I was in withdrawal, which I didn't appreciate. Child repeats EVERYTHING so he doesn't need to be telling kids at the daycare that I am in withdrawal! Went to Super Supplements and got some Kava Kava, so I am feeling better now. Planning on going to yoga later.

Just feeling the need to be a more serious student, a better mother, a better girlfriend. Going on benders and having blackouts does no good for any of those things. Did a three month break from drinking last year, and felt really good, but when I start drinking again, it was with a vengeance. (Hence the repeated blackouts) At least some of the shame from the weekend has dissapated.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Hey Munki!
Hope to hear that you are still off the drink.
Sounds like your experiences as of late have been quite rough.
I'm glad that you have made it to a meeting.
It's normal to feel a little shy or distanced, but don't forget that these people are all there for the same reason.. Nobody there will judge you.
The more you open up and lean on others for support, the stronger you will benefit in terms of getting better.
So do you think you will return to any meetings?
Looking forward to hearing back from you. I really hope you beat this

 

[bb corona]

My father was an alcoholic for 10 years, he drank himself to death. I have watched him fall on his ass before getting into the car and driving to the liqour store to get more rum. He was the nicest person on earth until he drank. He was an awesome father until he was drinking, he never hurt us but put us in bad situations by driving with his kids drunk. I loved my father very much. He quit drinking cold turkey jan 4 2011, he died march 3rd 2011, in my house, with all his family arround. Dying from liver failure is the most horrific thing I have seen in my life. Please dont put your families through this, they love you..........

 

[cooch75]

I was having this thought earlier tonight: Often when I was drinking, I'd think along the lines of Why can't the hangover come first? I've always been more of a 'bad news first' kinda guy. If possible, I want to get the difficult part of something finished before the lighter part of it happens. So I'd often get annoyed with drinking, in that we would have our fun first and then the hangover would have to be taken care of. I wondered what it would be like in an alternate universe where would could choose to enter 'hangover mode' for 12+ hours (heck, let us choose the severity of it, which would govern how much fun we could have in the drunk phase) and then after enduring it, we could get drunk as "the reward." Like how much easier it would be to plan my life if I could pencil in 'be hungover' all day Saturday and then go out that Saturday night and drink and have a good time, and then I would be back to normal as soon as Saturday night was over.

Perhaps this was me just thinking that the grass was greener on the other side. Why I say this? Because I caught myself complaining the other day that recovery frustrated me because it always required a long period of hard work before any of the rewards were felt. Furthermore, that a lot of the activities and goals set up for sober living involved hard work and discipline for a while before the really good feelings were there. If I want to dance really well, I need to take lessons twice a week for a year. If I want to lift this amount of weight, I need to train that body part once or twice a week for a year. But ya, this isn't all that different from me wishing that I could get hungover before I drank, is it? Isn't recovery essentially a situation where you endure the difficult part first and then bask in the reward without that feeling in the back of your mind that you're going to have to suffer once the fun is over? It's not like in recovery we run out on the dancefloor and wow the audience right away, but then are forced to endure dance lessons twice a week for the next year in order to compensate. No, recovery is very much like my situation where we are hungover first. It is a lifestyle where hard work might come first, but fun to be had afterward isn't haunted by any dread of what's to come.

I guess I might just always see the grass as greener... But really, I need to stop and remind myself of this thought experiment whenever I feel like all I'm doing is hard work and I'm not having much fun in recovery. Hopefully that made even a little bit of sense to some of you!

LOL that's a brilliant concept!

As someone who's gone through severe DT's on a few occasions I can safely say that if they came first I would at the first sign of them rapidly decided to stick to the soft drinks.

This maybe off topic but during one of these episodes I was in a relationship with a recovering heroin addict and in her opinion (from witnessing what I was going through) and experience the WD from alcohol was far worse than that of opiates. I'm just thinking of an earlier poster commenting on the "fear" associated with your body rejecting the very substance you crave to ease the WD.

The alcohol WD always reminded me of a saying about sea-sickness "At the start you're scared you're gonna die... As it worsens you're scared you wont"

Does anyone have any opinions/experience of this?

 

[cooch75]

Am back on track now sort of, have been doing a taxi course and once I begin working and paying off debts, I'll look at getting back to a office job or opening up something myself.

It's great to hear you're doing something pro-active mate but if you'd forgive me for being arrogant enough to suggest that if you do go ahead with the taxi driving try and stick to day shifts. I'm in the business myself (15 years) and still find the night shifts difficult to cope with at times i.e. It's not easy dealing with intoxicated people when you're battling you're own demons, especially when in the early stages of recovery.

That said however you'll rarely be bored (once in the space of an hour I had conversations with a well known journalist and an armed robber who was just out after a ten year stretch) and at least be able to work your own hours. And therefore be able to either keep yourself busy or take time out as needed.

P.S. I'm presuming you did mean taxi driving and it wasn't a typo.

 

[munki]

Hey Munki!
Hope to hear that you are still off the drink.
Sounds like your experiences as of late have been quite rough.
I'm glad that you have made it to a meeting.
It's normal to feel a little shy or distanced, but don't forget that these people are all there for the same reason.. Nobody there will judge you.
The more you open up and lean on others for support, the stronger you will benefit in terms of getting better.
So do you think you will return to any meetings?
Looking forward to hearing back from you. I really hope you beat this

Day 14 of no drinking. My moods are leveling out; really is nice to not be experiencing the extreme highs and lows. I went to a "Dance Camp" this past week, which was five days of intentional dance and was surrounded by obviously sober people (they were making fun of me drinking Rockstar in the morning, that's how chemical free most of them are!) I have gone dancing out twice in environments where nearly everyone around me was drinking, and despite some initial twinges of cravings, I overcame them. Danced for three hours last night, hours which passed extremely quickly because I was in such a flow. Definitely is interesting to be around people who are drunk when I am not. Really am appreciating the lucidity that comes with not being clouded with alcohol.

I haven't gone back to a meeting yet, though am definitely interested in going to a women's only meeting. I know it is only two weeks, but I am feeling really strong in my decision to not drink. I just have to remind myself of the negatives whenever I get a craving and cravings have only occurred a few times.

 

[tripnotyzm]

Wow, I'm so happy to see how determined you are to beat this!
I understand how difficult it is to stay sober when everyone around is doing the opposite, but you made it through. And that in itself is a terrific achievement. Let me just say I would really struggle to hold my cool in a situation like that.
I hope you can sustain the energy it takes to stay on this path, Munki
All the best

 

[Jabberwocky]

I should of known since I was kid alcohol was going to fuck me over, my folks found me passed out at nearly age 3 in a wine cellar below the house we lived in at the time they all thought i was dead. Some how I managed to pour myself some wine - go figure?

Ever since it's been a roller coaster as a kid I'd enjoy taking sips of my dads beer and when me and him went on holidays to Serbia in 95 when i was 10, my dad let me buy beer at a bar with him and my grandad - Over there laws are laxed so it's quite the norm (What's odd is my dad is not an alcho like me, he drinks 1 or 2 and that's it. Whilst he allowed me to drink freely at this age it's probably the only time we've actually had drinks together, after that it's been the odd occasion at a large function like a b'day or wedding but he's always telling me not to drink and now I am 28

Any how once I got to high school and the parties started cranking, it was game over for me, it would cost me passing exams etc...lose focus and I couldn't wait to get on the piss , week in week out
(Although I link this to depression as all I wanted to do was escape as I was bullied at school heaps and had a psycho mum - to me it was a temporary fix)

Which brings me back to today, I am 28 turning 29 in 3 months and I am still drinking copious amounts when I get a chance to. The last few weeks it's been at least 12 - 18 beers at a time and this is 4 - 6 times a week. I wake up fine but with great anxiety, before it made me depressed now it's just anxiety that has been lurking me, although I've had this my whole life, as a result it's made me feel lazy and I hate the feeling.

I have tried a psych and counsellor, have been seeing them since 14 or 15, I've had one psych for the last 4 years but have no more free sessions to visit her for the year and I'm broke and not working. I have tried AA several times, although it some what worked, it made me feel depressed some times when leaving and it dug into some deep stuff I don't want to be thinking about as there's no merit to it, i.e. talking about your shitty past day in, day out and how you're this poor helpless piece of shit. So this leaves me to ponder what else can I try that will make this stuff fuck off once and for all?

 

[tremours]

it seems im unable to turn down a drink. it wouldnt be so bad if I could keep it those couple shot of wine but when i start they expect me start getting alcohol too, so i only manage to cut back for maybe 2 days and that was still sipping wine all day that my friend was giving me and now im back to drinking over a 1/5th a day, my life is an absolute wreck. Why cant i stop?

 

[Jabberwocky]

it seems im unable to turn down a drink. it wouldnt be so bad if I could keep it those couple shot of wine but when i start they expect me start getting alcohol too, so i only manage to cut back for maybe 2 days and that was still sipping wine all day that my friend was giving me and now im back to drinking over a 1/5th a day, my life is an absolute wreck. Why cant i stop?

As they say it's not the 5th or 20th drink that does the damage, it's the first one

 

[Bahamut]

Well im 20 drinks in the hole so far.

there goes 21 months without booze, at least i proved it could be done for myself if i tried.
i just missed it so much and thought about drinking everyday.
fucking cisco and whiskey...

 

[dopemegently]

Hi I did my detox a couple years ago. You don't want to think of it like you've had a drink and you've destroyed your sobriety, that's black and white thinking. I tried going completely dry, and guess what? I craved constantly and unbearably as well.Now I set myself one "drinking night" per fortnight, and I'm doing fine, no cravings.

Of course this is just what worked for me; I'm by no means saying drinking is a good idea, My point is just that guilt for "blowing" 21 months of sobriety doesn't help. And 21 months is a real achievement btw

 

[cooch75]

Well im 20 drinks in the hole so far.

there goes 21 months without booze, at least i proved it could be done for myself if i tried.
i just missed it so much and thought about drinking everyday.
fucking cisco and whiskey...

Although I know AA works for thousands and thousands of people worldwide (so I'm certainly not knocking it). This has always been one of my biggest concerns about it for myself i.e. The guilt involved should you "slip".

As someone who suffers from clinical depression (& GAD) and who self medicates with alcohol, I know that should I go down the AA total abstinence route and then lapse that I would feel that guilt and self-loathing more profoundly than if I hadn't.

So to anyone reading I just want to point out that this is my own opinion and to all of you who are either 10 hours or 100 years off alcohol (good for you) and then slip don't beat yourself up. We are but human and from what I recall that "WAGON" is always waiting for yo to jump back on again!

Peace and Love!
Cooch

 

[dopemegently]

You've raised some excellent points. Its true: AA is not for everybody. When I was involved in the fellowships, I was staggered by the many people with extended bouts of sobriety who had given in to cravings and taken a drink; they were utterly distraught with guilt and shame, and because of the "powerless" concept, they felt no choice but to fall headfirst into full-blown benders.

Of course, I've known many people who swear by the fellowships, credit them for saving their lives; many of these have been sober for up to twenty years. The meetings are a valuable tool for creating support networks of recovery focused people, believe me I'm not knocking them. I just feel it's very important to take credit for your sobriety, not just give it to the program. I believe self-empowerment is a vital part of sobriety; for this reason, I believe Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is excellent in achieving this. I've been sober from alcohol for two years now, although I still have a small drink either fortnightly or monthly. For many of course, pure abstinence is essential.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Well im 20 drinks in the hole so far.

there goes 21 months without booze, at least i proved it could be done for myself if i tried.
i just missed it so much and thought about drinking everyday.
fucking cisco and whiskey...

Guhh. I can relate to this SO much Bahamut.
I was sober for 6 months last year. I missed alcohol the majority of the time. I relapsed when my boyfriend at the time relapsed on meth and heroin. I was half-way across the world (literally, on the opposite side of the planet) when it happened and I felt SO fucking helpless and lost, alcohol was my relief.

Since then, I have begun drinking more and more, and more and more and more, almost to the point where I could safely say that I'm drinking more than I ever have. And that is a BIG call.

So, Bahamut, be careful. When you relapse, you often fall even deeper than when you climbed out. So although you did fantastically at 21 months of sobriety and you should be really proud of that achievement, the little addict voice in your head will be justifying your drinking to you now by saying "You've proven you can do it, so, let's not worry about it for now, let's indulge this addiction while we have the chance".

Cos that is exactly what my brain is doing now....

 

[junglejuice]

Alcohol is some diabolical stuff...

 

[Mehm]

Doing AA is NOT going to some meetings. It is taking ALL of the steps, getting service commitments (making coffee, answering phones, etc.) AND going to meetings. Unless you have done all three of those things at the same time you have not 'done AA'.

I know it is a tall order, but for me it has been WELL worth not having to think about drinking and smoking pot 24/7. Also, if I were to slip today at least I have 2.75 years of sobriety and repaired relationships to fall back on.

peace and love

 

[Jabberwocky]

I've been downing 5 - 6 Litres of beer on average 4 - 5 times a week the last few weeks. Mainly cause I bought a crap load of cheap cases in bulk. I really wish I could stop drinking although drinking hasn't been to problematic for me recently, besides possibly affecting my anxiety which is another issue.

I've been singing the same song for too long now on how I'm going to quit, I've been trying the last 10 years but obviously not hard enough. Without booze life seems boring and strange

 

[tommy m]

I've been downing 5 - 6 Litres of beer on average 4 - 5 times a week the last few weeks. Mainly cause I bought a crap load of cheap cases in bulk. I really wish I could stop drinking although drinking hasn't been to problematic for me recently, besides possibly affecting my anxiety which is another issue.

I've been singing the same song for too long now on how I'm going to quit, I've been trying the last 10 years but obviously not hard enough. Without booze life seems boring and strange

I'm 5 days off and the boredom is fucking killing me. I'm empty but this life is all I've know for years son its gonna take more than 5 days to change. Partly the reason I only buy what I'm gonna drink. Buyng in bulk is a big no no. I'm a 5l 5% beer a night guy. I'm having some success curbing the cravings with Baclofen but I've had serious problems with benzos on the past which have messed me up mentally (no more than the booze I suppose) and I'm wondering should I be taking any GABA agonists at all? (Theres me talking shite again. Booze is the biggest fucking GABA agonists of them all) I've went to really high dose Baclofen to try and go totally AF but I was on the verge of psychosis. I'm on 100mg now and its helping me alot.

I'm not really An AA type myself I like the thought of talking about your problems with others but like said above your not really doing AA unless you fully commit.

I sort of think hopefully someday I'll stop of my own will and thats that. The thought of going to AA and listening to all the stories for the rest of my days depresses the fuck out of me and would probably make me relapse (sorry if that offends any AAers)

My saving grace is that after 3-4 days my body just basically starts saying enough is enough and I can't look at another drink. That and even the smell of spirits makes me want to puke.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I've been downing 5 - 6 Litres of beer on average 4 - 5 times a week the last few weeks. Mainly cause I bought a crap load of cheap cases in bulk. I really wish I could stop drinking although drinking hasn't been to problematic for me recently, besides possibly affecting my anxiety which is another issue.

I've been singing the same song for too long now on how I'm going to quit, I've been trying the last 10 years but obviously not hard enough. Without booze life seems boring and strange

It's good that you've tried again and again to stay sober, that means the will to be sober is there. But like you said, whatever you've tried hasn't worked. That indicates that you need to try a different tactic. Have you ever sought professional help to get sober?

I'm 5 days off and the boredom is fucking killing me. I'm empty but this life is all I've know for years son its gonna take more than 5 days to change. Partly the reason I only buy what I'm gonna drink. Buyng in bulk is a big no no. I'm a 5l 5% beer a night guy. I'm having some success curbing the cravings with Baclofen but I've had serious problems with benzos on the past which have messed me up mentally (no more than the booze I suppose) and I'm wondering should I be taking any GABA agonists at all? (Theres me talking shite again. Booze is the biggest fucking GABA agonists of them all) I've went to really high dose Baclofen to try and go totally AF but I was on the verge of psychosis. I'm on 100mg now and its helping me alot.

I'm not really An AA type myself I like the thought of talking about your problems with others but like said above your not really doing AA unless you fully commit.

I sort of think hopefully someday I'll stop of my own will and thats that.

As an experienced alcoholic, I can tell you right now without sugar coating it, that is NOT going to work. If you were able to stop drinking by yourself, you would've already done it, right? But I totally understand why you're telling yourself that. I've been there many times before too.

There are other types of meeting-based programs aside from AA for you to go to, if you're up for talking it through with other people. Sometimes you have to dig around on the net to find them, or ask your doctor for a referral. But like you said, it's pointless if you're not ready to commit to whatever program you choose. But it's certainly something to consider.

Lastly, tommy, if you're going to have the best chance at remaining sober, you have GOT to fill your time up with other things! If you've got nothing better to do during the time you used to spend drinking, you're only sitting around obsessing over how much you want to be getting drunk! What activities could you do to fill your time up? Does anything come to mind? Something that would get you out of the house would be good.