I cant function with my drinking. I spend all morning afternoon and mostly evenings in bed just to be persuaded to finally get up by the phone call "wanna drink tonight?" None of my friends have problems but I do. I don't spend a dime on beer yet I can be and usually am drunk each night.
(edit - thats because im poor as fuck. when i do have money its no question to where its going... but to make the situation worse, not having money doesnt solve my problem)
Each morning its the same excuse for putting off important tasks. Today I realize it has been a month since I was supposed to pick up a script from the Dr. and apply to jobs in neighboring towns, each day putting it off because I am unable to function with the hangover. That means to me an entire month of being a bum. So I'm sober tonight, in the mindset of being "sick and tired of being sick and tired"
Do you think the initiative to stay sober and go balls to the wall in temp agencies until I get a full time job would be the biggest first step for someone like me? someone who CANT function as an alcoholic, but someone who is not physically dependent yet.
its soon that time of the year again where i'm supposed to go back to college but Im not sure it would be wise to invest more money knowing i might piss my grades away and be unable to return to another school. think im just going to start with the job. long hours heavy labor. something to keep me busy and tired and have money to reward myself.
does anyone else notice how you can just keep typing when youre writing a desperation post...therapeutic at least
edit: going to use this as a little journal to help me cope being that its now 2 am and i havent talked to anyone today and right now is the hardest. feeling extremely hopeless almost as if to die would be better. it keeps crossing my mind not that I want a drink now, but that I will indefinitely crave drinks. this makes me so sick. i cant grasp the term alcoholic. i wish when i started to party heavily around age 17 i understood how it would progress into addiction. back when it was cool to drink ~30 drinks a night and be so shit faced not sobering for 14+ hours after my slumber. 5 years of moderate drinking and only the last being heavy 3-6 days a week.
i knew before i was old enough to purchase my own shit, that when i went through my entire phone data and couldnt find a friend of a friend of a friend to get us alcohol, and i was extremely frustrated and let down... i guess thats when i really realized i was going to have a problem. Sure fucking didnt sink in! Heres to today after being drunk 5 or 6 nights in a row wanting to slow down... but thats what hurts the worse
I realize i cant slow down, I have to stop completely. I can't live with that right now. When i was 20 I did get so bad that I tried suicide often but always gave up on giving up at the last second, which really just ended up with a cutting habit. Thankfully that was short lived and I now value life, after the last and serious attempt at stabbing my wrist, waking up in a pool of blood just wondering how i was still here. Thats what really did it I guess, my will to live was stronger than my desire to bite the bullet and cut deep enough, or at least put a gun in my mouth. All of these ugly scars that everyone sees over my wrist, prejudging me as a lunatic, and then questioning the shit out of them, its all the fault of alcohol. This of course gives me some kind of strength and desire to push forward. I now treasure sadness and depression because I know how bad it could be, and how important these moments are in the development of my mind and also for the appreciation of happy times.
I just dont want to feel the craving. the 2-3 days of being sick in the stomach and having minor shakes and anxiety and shit, thats easy. I dont have a HUGE phsical dependence, but I guess if I said earlier that I have no physical dependence, I was lying to myself. running to the bathroom to be sick for less than a week is easy. Snapping out and cursing at the very air that I breathe simply because I desire a fucking beer that badly is the hard part.
Going to do some research on here about the whole alcohol cold turkey thing and go from there.
edit edit: search feature on this website for the terms Alcoholic, Alcoholism ... yields bullshit!