Recovery Alcohol is funny to me... in a sad way

[Jabberwocky]

Other than getting blasted drunk at teenage parties from then on I always thought alcohol was such a fucking shitty drug (because it is)... my father is a life long alcohol and left my family to drink himself to death. I never EVER wanted to follow in his footsteps.

Though my late teens and most of my 20's I would rarely drink. Maybe once or twice per month, usually in social situations. I was way more interested in REAL drugs...

Long story short some family drama happened, I fucked up too many bridges and at age 25 I was forced to move across state to live with my dad. Now at this time I had lost all my drug connections. Nothing... not even pot. So I start drinking... A LOT. The worst problem is my dad didn't say shit about it. "Welcome to my world" type shit... amazing parenting.

I did nothing but drink heavily for 4 months until finally I found a connect for some weed and other things. But something had changed in me. What I once thought was the shittiest drug in the world suddenly became very euphoric to me....

6 years later of daily drinking it doesn't what other drug I'm on.... I need to drink some beer with it. Beer with everything. Relaxed as fuck on benzos? Beer will make it even better! Tripping balls on LSD... BEER WILL MAKE IT BETTER! ... etc

Like how say cannabis makes everything better. Suddenly it changed for me to beer makes everything better no matter what the situation.

I feel like I am following in my fathers footsteps in the scares the fuck out of me. Acute liver failure? I drank 6 beers tonight.... I mean fuck at least its not the 20 I used to drink, but that's not the point.

I never EVER in my wildest dreams thought I would ever become an alcoholic.

Yet... I am. I still love drugs more than alcohol.... but I can't do drugs without alcohol on the side.

It's so fucking frustrating me... something I hated so fucking much suddenly became part of my life and a huge monkey on my back.

sorry just had to rant a little....

 

[Jabberwocky]

Weren't you getting off opiates at the same time or around the same time, how is that going?

 

[Iceman1216]

Thank you for the honest share, about alcohol.
I believe that I was born with the disease of addiction, and will die with it Womb to Tomb type of thing! my father is an alcoholic as well and it has ruined a lt of his life, for sure. I came in to AA at 23 and he and our relationship has never been the same He feels i got sober to make his drinking look bad!!
Please be careful alcohol has ruined so many lives, and it is very Toxic to the human body

 

[FuckinAcidMan]

Yeah I used to loath alcohol but now I crave it quite often, particularly beer.

I never thought I would have to create guidelines because of my desire to drink so often, as I always used to dislike and look down on alcohol.

Nowadays I'm having to manage my weekly number of drinks like some lame middle aged square.

I think the void left by opioids has kindled my newer appreciation for alcohol, I need some kind of strong euphoric sedative at a few points during the week, and this one is cheap and legal.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I've abused hydrocodone and have tried or had heroin, opium, and morphine, but opiate addiction hasn't developed for me. Alcohol addiction for sure. Benzos, I've abused them, and they are close enough to alcohol (GABA), and I've told my psychiatrist, marriage counselor, GP, and wife (I need all the help I can get), so I'm optimistic I can manage steer clear of them.

 

[tired of crap]

Relatable.
Alcohol was my first drug experience, way back in high school, and I didnt particularly enjoy it.
When I found pot (and soon after psychedelics, including m, and k) alcohol seemed even more inferior by comparison. Soon after I quit drinking all together, for over a year, and had so many trips lol

When I met my longtime partner, she drank and I picked it up again.
Shortly after the birth of our daughter the relationship turned sour and I now drank to escape.

Fast forward 5 years and I couldnt even do psychedelics because the trips were all the same - QUIT drinking! But I continued drinking anyways...
When my soon to be ex gave me the ultimatum to quit drinking or she'd be forced to leave the choice was obvious. Keep drinking and the drinking would resolve itself once she was gone.

I was a few months sober after breaking up when life happened and Mom got sick again. When Mom passed I kept drinking to avoid dealing with the pain. It was maybe a year before I simply couldnt continue with it anymore. Took a few tries but with the help of psychedelics and dxm I was able to change my habits.

I was over 18 months without booze when covid happened, my business partner left and I was diagnosed with a hernia. My depression worsened and I thought fuck it. I drank nearly every day for 3 months, even starting smoking cigs after >5 years ffs. At the moment Im over a week off the booze. Cigs are next.

Sorry had to rant myself lol
Hope youre doing better snaf

 

[Jabberwocky]

I feel like apologizing for too many nights of blacked out drunk typing and saying some really nasty shit, specifically one person (you know who you are).

I'm not like that IRL, even when blacked out. Just apologizing to the universe. Maybe get some karma back... IRL I am very kind and compassionate... Almost a hippie but don't look like one. Always a happy drunk, too. Anonymity and a keyboard seems to bring the worst out of me...

I was doing very well for a month or so with very little to no drinking but kinda fell off the wagon. I may consider going back to at least an outpatient rehab or something but that's extremely expensive without health insurance or job benefits I lack.... Really fucking frustrating!!

Took a few tries but with the help of psychedelics and dxm I was able to change my habits.

How did dxm work for you? Curious. I'm not big into dissos, I only ever liked MXE and ketamine. Certainly had my fair share of dxm when I was younger but haven't touched it for 15+ years. Like, big single dose or a replacement? How did you use it and how did it help? Very interested.

I've been doing a lot of LSD lately with a particularly big dose last week. It does help... However I crave alcohol big time with LSD, they go very well together IMO, so during the trip it's a huge mental battle just to beat the cravings. Like my last 500ug trip last week there was repeatedly hallucinations of a cartoony guy handing me a bottle. Was kinda funny but also kinda sucked.

 

[tired of crap]

@SnafuInTheVoid
Psychedelics were almost too much for me when I was trying to quit. I didn’t have any desire to drink while using them but the message was strong that I needed to quit and I wasn’t so the trips were quite dysphoric.

Dxm allowed me to think through the issues without being nearly as pushy. Either I put some work in or just enjoyed the ride. At the time it had been a few years and my tolerance was “low” (lol....) and it provided me with longer lasting relief from my depression than any of the psychedelics I had available at the time (mdma, 2cs and 4 subs... and edibles, if you count those)

I would dose full doses of all of the above weekly. Rotating between them, as to minimize cross tolerance as much as possible (though I recognize 2cs and 4 subs ... even m create cross tolerance).

However, as I continued to dose the antidepressant effects of the dxm began to wane. Though dosing weekly kept me satiated and away from drinking.... in fact I had done a similar regime the time before when I had quit drinking for a number of
Months before mom got sick.

Suppose I should really just learn how to deal with life’s stressors as opposed to simply reverting to drinking as an escape lol

 

[Puurfect1]

Hi, not been on here for a long time and hoped I woudn't need to lol! I drank too much in my 20's and then replaced that with MCat (I know - but was awesome and never tempted to drink on it), back on the drink, can go cpl of days but its always there beckoning :-(

 

[chersembyl]

Então, sou um membro muito novo aqui. É a primeira vez que estou interagindo, provavelmente vai haver um monte de palavras erradas porque meu inglês é uma merda.
Enfim, acho que sua história se parece com a minha, ou com a maioria das pessoas. principalmente porque banalizamos o alcahool e, pior, romantizamos essa merda.
Não sei se é o seu caso, estou falando em geral ... o alcahool está em todo lugar, o tempo todo. Televisão, festa de aniversário (mesmo quando é festa de criança), televisão, moovies, igrejas, aniversário de jesus. Literalmente em todos os lugares. Até o antidrogas que toma alcahool ... isso é loucura, todo mundo acha que alcahool é salvo, é "light", é legal, é inofensivo.
Eu lembro que meus primeiros goles, meu pai - que é alcoólatra - me deu ... Não me lembro exatamente quantos anos eu tinha, mas eu era definitivamente uma criança ... e todo mundo acha isso tão engraçado ... normal em um churrasco em família.
A primeira vez que fiquei muito, muito bêbado tinha doze anos ... E claro que não parei por aí, Há cerca de dois anos estava totalmente empenhado em ficar chapado e ser uma espécie de sommelier das drogas, experimentar de tudo. Tão estúpido e tão orgulhoso ... lol
Quando eu conhecia pessoas que só bebiam, eu sempre pensava coisas como "sério? Isso é tudo que você tem?" Já não era tão atraente para mim ... não sozinha, sempre quis outra coisa ... e nunca pensei nisso como um problema. Quer dizer ... era só alcahool ... certo? É legal, é inofensivo ...
E é claro que tudo dá errado bem mais rápido ...
Acompanhei amigos ao hospital em coma alcoólico ou overdose ... amigos que precisavam ser reanimados na festa e todos nós achamos engraçado, tirar algumas fotos e dar mais drogas ... E eu só tenho 23 anos. ..
Quando eu era mais jovem, passava muita atenção pensando em como não queria parecer com meu pai de forma alguma. E agora estou tentando vê-lo não como meu pai quebrado, mas como um indivíduo antes de ser meu pai ...
Quer dizer, eu não saio mais com minha família, logo depois de fazer 19 anos fui para outra cidade, para "estudar" (= fugir da minha família). E cara ... Eu literalmente quase perdi minha cabeça. Quer dizer, eu só queria fugir daquele lugar e de repente eu era uma adulta, com uma casa para manter, uma faculdade para terminar, um trabalho para me manter aqui e logo depois de um “marido”. Nossa, quase nos matamos de tantas maneiras ... ficamos ainda mais doentes, quando finalmente terminamos eu estava precisando de antipsicóticos e antidepressivos, perdi meu emprego, quase perdi o curso e voltei com a coca ... Eu me pergunto o que teria acontecido se uma criança tivesse aparecido no meio de tudo isso ...
Somos pedagogos (ele se formou, eu estou em formação), e sempre discutimos sobre educação libertária, uma visão mais humana da vida e tudo mais. E se eu tivesse engravidado, nada disso importaria. Seríamos pais péssimos, porque éramos miseráveis e doentes ... teríamos que lidar com tudo que está acontecendo na nossa vida mais cuidar de outro ser humano ... não só cuidar, mas garantir saúde, educação , um lar adequado, carinho, garantindo que aquela criança será um adulto responsável e respeitoso no futuro. Isso é muito!
E aquela criança me veria como sua mãe, provedora e protetora. Ela pega a história no meio e uma vez que ela chegasse, eu não seria mais eu, seria sua mãe. Não sei se você entende o que quero dizer ...
Não estou defendendo todos os pais de merda, meu pai e eu não nos falamos e não espero que um dia falemos. O que quero dizer é que não me preocupo mais em não cometer os erros do meu pai, não sou ele. Eu sou outro indivíduo, tenho meus próprios erros a cometer, minhas próprias merdas para carregar, minhas próprias escolhas ... com tudo isso eu realmente quero dizer que estou tentando mudar essa dor de lado. Não estou mais com raiva, estou tentando ver meus pais como dois idiotas que decidiram fazer sexo e depois não sabiam o que estavam fazendo, simplesmente fizeram. Assim como eu, como você, como todo mundo ... e ver tudo dessa forma me trouxe uma certa paz de espírito. Ainda uso algumas coisas, mas estou limpo da coca há cerca de 8 meses, essa era minha marca registrada e também meu maior problema. Acho que estou no caminho de melhorar. Espero que você esteja bem e que toda essa bíblia que escrevi sirva para alguma coisa.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey @chersembyl and welcome. we usually post in english as that is the most common language for our members, so i have the following translation for your post:

"So, I'm a very new member here. It's the first time I'm interacting, there's probably going to be a lot of wrong words because my English sucks. Anyway, I think your story resembles mine, or most people's. mainly because we trivialize alcahool and, worse, romanticize this shit. I don't know if it's your case, I'm speaking in general ... the alcahool is everywhere, all the time. Television, birthday party (even when it's a kid's party), television, moovies, churches, jesus' birthday. Literally everywhere. Even the anti-drug taking alcahool ... this is crazy, everybody thinks that alcahool is safe, it's "light", it's cool, it's harmless. I remember that my first sips, my father - who is an alcoholic - gave me ... I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was definitely a child... and everybody thinks this is so funny? normal at a family barbecue. The first time I got very, very drunk I was twelve years old ... And of course I didn't stop there, About two years ago I was fully committed to getting stoned and being a sort of sommelier of drugs, trying everything. So stupid and so proud ... lol When I met people who only drank, I always thought things like "really? That's all you have?" was no longer so attractive to me ... not alone, I always wanted something else ... and I never thought of it as a problem. I mean ... it was just alcahool... right? It's cool, it's harmless... And of course it all goes wrong much faster ... I accompanied friends to the hospital in alcoholic coma or overdose ... friends who needed to be revived at the party and we all found it funny, take some pictures and give more drugs ... And I'm only 23 years old. ... When I was younger, I spent a lot of attention thinking about how I didn't want to look like my father in any way. And now I'm trying to see him not as my broken father, but as an individual before he was my father... I mean, I don't go out with my family anymore, right after I turned 19 I went to another city, to "study" (= get away from my family). And man ... I literally almost lost my mind. I mean, I just wanted to get away from that place and suddenly I was an adult, with a house to keep, a college to finish, a job to keep me here and soon after a "husband". Wow, we almost killed ourselves in so many ways ... we got even sicker, when we finally finished I was needing antipsychotics and antidepressants, I lost my job, almost lost my degree and came back with coke ... I wonder what would have happened if a child had appeared in the middle of all this ... We are educators (he graduated, I am in training), and we always discuss libertarian education, a more human view of life and everything else. And if I had gotten pregnant, none of this would matter. We would be lousy parents, because we would be miserable and sick ... we would have to deal with everything that is happening in our life plus take care of another human being ... not only caring, but ensuring health, education, a proper home, affection, ensuring that that child will be a responsible and respectful adult in the future. That is a lot! And that child would see me as her mother, provider and protector. She catches the story in the middle and once she arrived, I would no longer be me, I would be her mother. I don't know if you understand what I mean ... I'm not defending all the shitty fathers, my father and I don't speak to each other and I don't expect we ever will. What I mean is that I no longer worry about not making my father's mistakes, I am not him. I am another individual, I have my own mistakes to make, my own shit to carry, my own choices ... by all this I really mean that I am trying to shift this pain aside. I am no longer angry, I am trying to see my parents as two idiots who decided to have sex and then didn't know what they were doing, they just did. Just like me, just like you, just like everybody ... and seeing everything this way has brought me a certain peace of mind. I still use some stuff, but I've been clean from coke for about 8 months now, that was my trademark and also my biggest problem. I think I'm on the road to getting better. I hope you are well and that all this bible I wrote is good for something."

i ddin't do this, don't speak portugeuse i'm afraid, so if there are any errors then i apologise. it also helps massively to break your posts into short paragraphs, as it is hard to read a wall of text.

 

[trogere]

Alcohol habits are very easy to build. Like SnafuInTheVoid said, at some point, such and such activities are better with one beer. After a while, a second beer, ... I wasn't drinking a lot, a beer here and there, during week days, doing activities. I participated in kambo ceremonies and lost that habit. It's been 3 years already, I drink about a 6 packs per year now.

A few weeks ago, I dissolved a bit of b. caapi paste to put in a dropper for microdosing. B. caapi is the maoi source in ayahuasca. I licked the spatula at the end. A couple of days later, my GF offered me a bit of vine, a decent vine, but for me it was disgusting. Also, the smell of meat during cooking was unpleasant. I understand why meat and alcohol are to be avoided around aya use.

 

[chersembyl]

hey @chersembyl and welcome. we usually post in english as that is the most common language for our members, so i have the following translation for your post:

"So, I'm a very new member here. It's the first time I'm interacting, there's probably going to be a lot of wrong words because my English sucks. Anyway, I think your story resembles mine, or most people's. mainly because we trivialize alcahool and, worse, romanticize this shit. I don't know if it's your case, I'm speaking in general ... the alcahool is everywhere, all the time. Television, birthday party (even when it's a kid's party), television, moovies, churches, jesus' birthday. Literally everywhere. Even the anti-drug taking alcahool ... this is crazy, everybody thinks that alcahool is safe, it's "light", it's cool, it's harmless. I remember that my first sips, my father - who is an alcoholic - gave me ... I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I was definitely a child... and everybody thinks this is so funny? normal at a family barbecue. The first time I got very, very drunk I was twelve years old ... And of course I didn't stop there, About two years ago I was fully committed to getting stoned and being a sort of sommelier of drugs, trying everything. So stupid and so proud ... lol When I met people who only drank, I always thought things like "really? That's all you have?" was no longer so attractive to me ... not alone, I always wanted something else ... and I never thought of it as a problem. I mean ... it was just alcahool... right? It's cool, it's harmless... And of course it all goes wrong much faster ... I accompanied friends to the hospital in alcoholic coma or overdose ... friends who needed to be revived at the party and we all found it funny, take some pictures and give more drugs ... And I'm only 23 years old. ... When I was younger, I spent a lot of attention thinking about how I didn't want to look like my father in any way. And now I'm trying to see him not as my broken father, but as an individual before he was my father... I mean, I don't go out with my family anymore, right after I turned 19 I went to another city, to "study" (= get away from my family). And man ... I literally almost lost my mind. I mean, I just wanted to get away from that place and suddenly I was an adult, with a house to keep, a college to finish, a job to keep me here and soon after a "husband". Wow, we almost killed ourselves in so many ways ... we got even sicker, when we finally finished I was needing antipsychotics and antidepressants, I lost my job, almost lost my degree and came back with coke ... I wonder what would have happened if a child had appeared in the middle of all this ... We are educators (he graduated, I am in training), and we always discuss libertarian education, a more human view of life and everything else. And if I had gotten pregnant, none of this would matter. We would be lousy parents, because we would be miserable and sick ... we would have to deal with everything that is happening in our life plus take care of another human being ... not only caring, but ensuring health, education, a proper home, affection, ensuring that that child will be a responsible and respectful adult in the future. That is a lot! And that child would see me as her mother, provider and protector. She catches the story in the middle and once she arrived, I would no longer be me, I would be her mother. I don't know if you understand what I mean ... I'm not defending all the shitty fathers, my father and I don't speak to each other and I don't expect we ever will. What I mean is that I no longer worry about not making my father's mistakes, I am not him. I am another individual, I have my own mistakes to make, my own shit to carry, my own choices ... by all this I really mean that I am trying to shift this pain aside. I am no longer angry, I am trying to see my parents as two idiots who decided to have sex and then didn't know what they were doing, they just did. Just like me, just like you, just like everybody ... and seeing everything this way has brought me a certain peace of mind. I still use some stuff, but I've been clean from coke for about 8 months now, that was my trademark and also my biggest problem. I think I'm on the road to getting better. I hope you are well and that all this bible I wrote is good for something."

i ddin't do this, don't speak portugeuse i'm afraid, so if there are any errors then i apologise. it also helps massively to break your posts into short paragraphs, as it is hard to read a wall of text.

Thank you. I spended a lot of time writing in english and i don't know why translate.. i appreciate anyway.