Eyes On the Roll
Bluelighter
hello folks. Let me start off by saying, I'm 20 years old, and ever since i was 7 years old I've known there was something "wrong" with my head - pertaining to mental illness. I have a good idea on what that is now, My mom was a severe bipolar and had to have electro shock therapy, her father was a severe bipolar and alcoholic as well.
I beleive, no.. I KNOW it has been passed onto me. Ever since the age of 12 i've dedicated a lot of my spare time in researching mental illnesses.. to try and figure out what the Fuck is wrong with my head. Now, at the age of 20, i know basically everything, from illness to personality disorder.
for the past, oh.. lets say.. week... I have been Severely depressed. I am no stranger to depression, i've felt it ever since i can remember, but this is something else. And it's for no reason at all. several weeks ago I was in the sky ejoying life, narcissistic and grandiose, thinking i was the next billionaire or celebrity for some weird reason! but a week ago I stole a good amount of alcohol from the place i did community service at, and for the past week and a half i have been drinking myself down to my lowest point, until I am one with melancholy.. until I can actually stand it's presence, and I ENJOY the pain when I get this drunk.
well, i'm running out of alcohol (about 1 litre of liquor a day?) and the real world calls, but i just don't have ambition to get the fuck out of my bed anymore. I wouldn't be able to type this if i wasn't drunk. I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things if i wasn't drunk, like find the energy to clean the house and walk the dog. If i hadn't been drinking, i'd be sitting in my bed all day long and depression would be actual pain.. not a feel good pain.
I've contemplated on going to a psychiatrist many times (went to one steadily middle school-high school) to get treatment, but when I get so close to getting help, there is something in me that just does a complete 180 and runs away! and that pertains to everything too! everything that I have going good for myself, that i can handle and maintain, I just DESTROY for some unanswerable reason, I just can't help it, I can never finish anything I start, and I never hold onto anything I need.
I beleive, no.. I KNOW it has been passed onto me. Ever since the age of 12 i've dedicated a lot of my spare time in researching mental illnesses.. to try and figure out what the Fuck is wrong with my head. Now, at the age of 20, i know basically everything, from illness to personality disorder.
for the past, oh.. lets say.. week... I have been Severely depressed. I am no stranger to depression, i've felt it ever since i can remember, but this is something else. And it's for no reason at all. several weeks ago I was in the sky ejoying life, narcissistic and grandiose, thinking i was the next billionaire or celebrity for some weird reason! but a week ago I stole a good amount of alcohol from the place i did community service at, and for the past week and a half i have been drinking myself down to my lowest point, until I am one with melancholy.. until I can actually stand it's presence, and I ENJOY the pain when I get this drunk.
well, i'm running out of alcohol (about 1 litre of liquor a day?) and the real world calls, but i just don't have ambition to get the fuck out of my bed anymore. I wouldn't be able to type this if i wasn't drunk. I wouldn't be able to do a lot of things if i wasn't drunk, like find the energy to clean the house and walk the dog. If i hadn't been drinking, i'd be sitting in my bed all day long and depression would be actual pain.. not a feel good pain.
I've contemplated on going to a psychiatrist many times (went to one steadily middle school-high school) to get treatment, but when I get so close to getting help, there is something in me that just does a complete 180 and runs away! and that pertains to everything too! everything that I have going good for myself, that i can handle and maintain, I just DESTROY for some unanswerable reason, I just can't help it, I can never finish anything I start, and I never hold onto anything I need.
