Aftermath of meth addiction..

[Rahcookiemonster]

Been sober for 3 weeks. Caved in. Before that, sober for 3 more weeks.

4-6 year addiction/fixation with amphetamines. Prescription, analogues and plain old methamphetamine.

I am only 22, but..
The impact of quitting is huge. I have always used amphetamines, in the last 2 years of addiction I abused meth via smoking ROA very often.

3 weeks out and I'm just realizing what I've been doing for the last however many years. Chasing a high, using amphetamines to try and boost myself. Using other drugs to minimize the side effects (Alcohol, benzos etc in copious amounts).
Tried to hold down jobs,
Social circles,
Financial commitments,
Girlfriends,
etc all while addicted to amphetamines. Systemically abusing them in periods or fluctuations of ups and downs. Meth turned me into a demon. Sadistic, with ridiculous priorities and fixations on sex/power. I can't even believe how I have been acting for the last few years, and how I got away with it. Using for days on end, drinking at work, lying to people, abusing financial situations to my benefit. Dealing..
Everything has been impacted negatively from meth use.

And now I have nothing. If I want to quit, I have to throw that whole character out. I have to learn how to do everything again.

It is a pretty big realization. I have a lot of anxiety socializing now, and I feel like I have a long way to go.

I can't piece together the last few years of my life chronologically or objectively. Thinking about it gives me nolstalgic-memory panic attack like symptoms.

the fukk have I been doing?

 

[Maya]

I find that it is common to get out of touch of reality when you are abusing drugs. Most of us here have relied on drug abuse as a way of coping everyday tasks bt little did we know that it slowly takes your life away. My question is, are you ready to quit? If so, then do it! It will be the best thing that you will do for yourself, for your overall health whether it is physical or mental. I have also had to do the same and start over but I am doing a lot better.

 

[herbavore]

And now I have nothing. If I want to quit, I have to throw that whole character out. I have to learn how to do everything again.

If you look at this positively you are in a place of complete freedom right now. You get to learn how to do everything without being high. Many people need to lose everything to see through the delusion that they needed the drug to be "happy", to be "normal", to be themselves. It may deliver in the beginning but it takes away more than it gives every time. So now you are seeing that clearly you have that knowledge to use when the voice of addiction tries to trick you into thinking it is your own voice.

Building your character in line with your values and creating the life you want is completely open. Fortunately you have youth on your side as well. 22 is a great age to start over!

 

[Rahcookiemonster]

If you look at this positively you are in a place of complete freedom right now. You get to learn how to do everything without being high. Many people need to lose everything to see through the delusion that they needed the drug to be "happy", to be "normal", to be themselves. It may deliver in the beginning but it takes away more than it gives every time. So now you are seeing that clearly you have that knowledge to use when the voice of addiction tries to trick you into thinking it is your own voice.

Building your character in line with your values and creating the life you want is completely open. Fortunately you have youth on your side as well. 22 is a great age to start over!

The thing is though, I have lost everything.
I have been fired from 3 jobs in the last few years, currently unemployed.
I have lost a lot of friends due to my erratic behavior,
Lost the one girl I had started setting up my life with
Lost my house
Lost my car
etc

All due to meth

Starting over is scary. I have already done all these things.
It gives me great, great anxiety to think back on certain events and how I was acting in those times. Thats not me... I think?
But thats all that anyone knows is me.
People think it is me.
I have a reputation now. Reputation of real life trolling, reputation of not giving a fukk, taking advantage of people...

I feel a great loss. Like I have lost a loved one (I have, actually lost a couple due to drugs ).

I don't know. Its confusing and anxiety ridden.

I don't know many people at my age who know these feels. Its alienating.

Thanks for the replies btw