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After sex you are committed?

yompf

yompf

Bluelighter
Joined
May 14, 2017
Messages
462
Location
Ca
So how many of you out there feel like if you have sex with someone , it makes you automatically a couple ? Like it's just assumed and you don't need to talk about it..
Can you please include your age and gender and whether you are into casual sex.?
I don't assume this. I think it's something that has to be said out loud and talked about. As far as a relationship goes.
Also. If I'm only having sex with one person , but I don't consider them a boyfriend or girl friend , because we never talked about it and agreed ....Does that mean I'm into casual sex? Because if someone asked if I was into casual sex I'd say no.... Am I just confused as to what that means????
 
Every person, every interaction is different, in my experience.
You seem keen to make some kind of age/gender generalisation, but everyone feels differently about these things.

Sex can be meaningless - it was whatever meaning you decide to put on it (or don't)

Does it mean you're into [x] ?
Not necessarily, it doesnt have to mean anything at all.
 
What are you confused about? I don't follow.

Nothing is automatic obviously, although sometimes there might be some kind of implied commitment that you can gauge. Generally speaking though, people are going to have different ideas about what kind of interaction implies what level of commitment, so if clarification on this is important to you it's better to ask than just assume stuff.

So, is being a couple important to you or not? If it is important you should voice this, and if it's not important, then, what's bothering you?
 
I'm not sure I've ever met or even heard of someone that automatically assumes they are a couple once they've had sex with someone. That's about the worst assumption and way to start a relationship I could imagine. Communication is key, people!
 
Man 22 here, and no, I don't think sex equals commitment. Though most girls won't have sex if they ain't sure you are in a relationship with them. Personaly, I don't want to trick them to sex by making false promises about relationships, so I avoid this kind of girls.
 
^I know many girls that will have sex out of relationship, and my sex life is entirely related with them, but yes, ime most girls will want to be in a relationship before having sex.However if most girls you know are not like that, Im realy jelous of you.
 
After sex, I never ever thought that automatically meant we're a couple. If I continue to have sex with a man, it causes me to develop feelings of love. So I guess I used to equate sex with love which usually ends up in heartbreak if he doesn't feel the same.

There's a discussion you must have to determine if you are a couple. That's if you care to have that conversation.

It sounds like you enjoy sex with a person and don't want to label it. That's fine, but I'm the type of person who likes to know where I stand. I prefer to know if a person wants a relationship or just casual sex with no commitment. Luckily, I found someone serious about me. That's all I want these days, something real.
 
bomber said:
^I know many girls that will have sex out of relationship, and my sex life is entirely related with them, but yes, ime most girls will want to be in a relationship before having sex.However if most girls you know are not like that, Im realy jelous of you.
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Depends what you're after in life really.
I've been in a committed relationship for years, but when i was single i knew heaps of girls who liked to fuck but weren't looking for a boyfriend.
You're young though, it might be something that becomes more common (or apparent) as you get older.
I think a lot of people are able to separate sex and love, and sex and relationships - but i think when i was younger, the people i knew were maybe a bit more idealistic about what they wanted and expected from an intimiate relationship.

Perhaps people are more open to casual sex if they've become jaded about relationships.
Either way, i've always known plenty of women who have no interest in being restricted to a boyfriend or a single lover.
 
I just had an experience with a guy, I liked him, he liked me. We ended up cuddling and eventually that lead to having sex. We did it twice. He came out on the weekends on my days off.
I am just getting out of a 3 year relationship too , but I'd be open to another one if I thought it would work. I'd have to really really think about it though. It's a big deal. I'm sure it's healthy to wait , but I am open to the thought.
Anyway, a week after our last visit he texts me this long text saying he's not ok with how our relationship is going , we aren't good for each other, he tried , blah blah , he's breaking up with me and I'm like..... WTF. What do you mean?? I thought we were friends , you never said you wanted a relationship with me I just assumed you didn't want to commit or you would of said something about it. We NEVER talked about it.
So I guess he says since we had sex it's just assumed that we are in a relationship... says he has feelings for me . He said he isn't into casual sex..
I don't think I am either. I mean I don't have sex with alot of guys , isn't that what that means?
sometimes I think it's best to stay friends until both people are REALLY sure and ready to commit because God dam relationships hurt.... And btw I would not have sex with multiple people. I would commit to one person whether we talk about it or not.
Idk... I was just confused and pist off at the lack of communication. I mean... I was fustrated too because I never got to see him. How can I get to know him only seeing him once a week .?
Oh ya , he said he isn't cool with having an intimate moment with me and feeling like I shut him out afterwards the rest of the week.
I didn't mean to. it's all lack of communication . I was SO nervous around him. That's y I acted weird. He said my body language suggested I didn't want to be touched. Like I didn't like him or something.... Idk...
Whatever. He was wrong and if I knew how serious he was I would of done things differently. I'd of maybe moved in with him or something.... He lives an hour away.
I just didn't think anyone would make such an assumption after having sex. Without talking about it!. Relationships are a big deal. Big Risk. You are basically guaranteed pain at the end.
It's like he thought I was weird for NOT assuming we were a couple...
This totally ruined our friendship too.
That's what I didn't want to happen.... So messed up...
 
yompf said:
I just had an experience with a guy, I liked him, he liked me. We ended up cuddling and eventually that lead to having sex. We did it twice. He came out on the weekends on my days off.
I am just getting out of a 3 year relationship too , but I'd be open to another one if I thought it would work. I'd have to really really think about it though. It's a big deal. I'm sure it's healthy to wait , but I am open to the thought.
Anyway, a week after our last visit he texts me this long text saying he's not ok with how our relationship is going , we aren't good for each other, he tried , blah blah , he's breaking up with me and I'm like..... WTF. What do you mean?? I thought we were friends , you never said you wanted a relationship with me I just assumed you didn't want to commit or you would of said something about it. We NEVER talked about it.
So I guess he says since we had sex it's just assumed that we are in a relationship... says he has feelings for me . He said he isn't into casual sex..
I don't think I am either. I mean I don't have sex with alot of guys , isn't that what that means?
sometimes I think it's best to stay friends until both people are REALLY sure and ready to commit because God dam relationships hurt.... And btw I would not have sex with multiple people. I would commit to one person whether we talk about it or not.
Idk... I was just confused and pist off at the lack of communication. I mean... I was fustrated too because I never got to see him. How can I get to know him only seeing him once a week .?
Oh ya , he said he isn't cool with having an intimate moment with me and feeling like I shut him out afterwards the rest of the week.
I didn't mean to. it's all lack of communication . I was SO nervous around him. That's y I acted weird. He said my body language suggested I didn't want to be touched. Like I didn't like him or something.... Idk...
Whatever. He was wrong and if I knew how serious he was I would of done things differently. I'd of maybe moved in with him or something.... He lives an hour away.
I just didn't think anyone would make such an assumption after having sex. Without talking about it!. Relationships are a big deal. Big Risk. You are basically guaranteed pain at the end.
It's like he thought I was weird for NOT assuming we were a couple...
This totally ruined our friendship too.
That's what I didn't want to happen.... So messed up...
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I don't really buy that he thought you were in a relationship. I think he's full of shit and just making excuses. You're not the weird one here. He should have expressed his feelings along the way instead of ending it like that. Sorry it happened, but you're better off without someone like that. He sounds too immature.
 
If I have sex with someone then yeah, there is a certain level of commitment that to me is pretty automatic. It means that while I continue to sleep with that person I’m not going to sleep with anyone else. It means I’m interested in that person and I want to explore that connection. It means I allow myself to develop feelings for that person that I wouldn’t likely otherwise develop. If I lose interest in that person it feels dishonest to continue to have sex with them. I quickly lose interest in sex when I lose interest in the person anyways so that part is easy for me. I don’t usually drag on relationships when it becomes clear it isn’t a good fit. I don’t really have casual sex with people so it isn’t a confusion I’m often faced with, but I’d appreciate it if someone told me they’re only interested in me for casual sex. I might have sex with them too, I’m definitely not against casual sex, but I’d really appreciate the heads up so I don’t overthink it.

Does having sex with a person mean I consider us a couple? No, not really. What does being a couple mean anyways? Shit, I don’t know, probably stuff like exclusivity, interest and a level of commitment, things I’d give to someone anyway if I was having sex with them. I usually wait to give a relationship with another person a label like “girlfriend,” “lover,” “couple” cause that usually means I’ve made up my mind that I’ve found someone I really like and want to share that with other people like friends and family in a way they can understand. It can take a while to figure out if you want to make a relationship official with a label. We all like to know where we stand, but it’s sort of an annoying conversation to have in the early stages of dating when you’re still figuring things out.
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
I don't really buy that he thought you were in a relationship. I think he's full of shit and just making excuses. You're not the weird one here. He should have expressed his feelings along the way instead of ending it like that. Sorry it happened, but you're better off without someone like that. He sounds too immature.
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Ya I wish he did.express his feelings more, like what he was thinking at least. I know he liked me . But it was weird too. It's like , he said the chemestry between us isn't there, like what he wanted in a partner, but he said he liked me and had feelings for me. .and he thought about me all the time.
So he made it out like he thought I was the one ignoring him and not being receptive to him. Like I didn't like him , as much as I actually did . He was expecting me to be more open with him. So I should of opened up more to him.. yes. I wish I did now...
True he would text me throughout the week , I would not always respond right away. I was kind of annoyed because i saw that he was reaching out the only way he could, being that he lived so far away , and I guess that annoyed me that he excepted that as enough to keep us close. It just seemed fake. . . While I'm waiting for something deeper ... a chance to have a deeper connection , not these superficial texts .Ya I really liked him... i only got to see him once a week. . to be fair lol, that was just what he could do. Show me through text that he was thinking about me ... But i was getting fustrated.
He just ended it .
I thought I was doing right , by letting him lead the pace , but that backfired. Zero communication. Total fail. In every way. Might of been ...... Something .....
I just feel like he wasn't fair about it. If I'd of known he wanted to be my actual partner , things might of been different.
To me that's like family. I'd want to take care of us. Things would be US . . I would of put my trust in him . Given him access to the vulnerable side of myself I defend and hide.... That part that he felt closed off too.... But whatever.
Sick of this crap.
 
yeah if the communication is poor it will never work

sounds like he didn't really think you were in a relationship but had been deluding himself that it was possible and avoiding talking about it then had the epiphany of "oh this is not really a relationship" and decided to end it with some drama to lend credibility to his internal dialogue in the aftermath
 
You didn't see him much so I don't blame you for not opening up and being completely vulnerable emotionally. If you had actually poured your heart out first, he could've accused you of rushing too fast. You didn't do anything wrong.

He lived too far away and you weren't into texting as the only form of communication. Don't worry about it. Now you can move on. You wanted more than that and you deserve much more than that! Don't settle. *HUGS*
 
If having sex with someone automatically made you a couple, I'd have countless ex-boyfriends whose names I can't even remember. LoL. I think this is really an absurd notion. Sex is just sex, it isn't love.
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
You didn't see him much so I don't blame you for not opening up and being completely vulnerable emotionally. If you had actually poured your heart out first, he could've accused you of rushing too fast. You didn't do anything wrong.


He lived too far away and you weren't into texting as the only form of communication. Don't worry about it. Now you can move on. You wanted more than that and you deserve much more than that! Don't settle. *HUGS*
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Thank you CoastTwoCoast :)
 
There isn't one right answer. If you have agreements in place before you have sex, then having sex can mean something, but even then there's no guarantee of anything.

That said, anyone who claims they can have sex with the same person over and over without developing any attachment is fooling themselves. Our physiology is built to bond. Oxytocin alone ensures that.

But commitment... that's something that a person chooses every day they are with you. It's not an automatic or guaranteed thing. Commitment is not an emotion that just gets handed to you like the hormone rush of falling in love. When the feel-good hormones die down, you have to choose to be together and practice being together. That's what a lot of modern people don't understand and it's why so many new relationships fail.
 
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