I am going to Turkey in about two weeks. No one wants me to go. I'm going with my 86 year mom and she certainly wants to go but my family seems to think that we are heading to Syria rather than Turkey. I think of all the foreigners that through their understandable perception of my country (with a mass shooting per week on average it seems) imagine that they would be in danger of being shot the minute they walk out of the airport and how unrealistic that feels to me. While I don't dispute the scope of the problem, they forget the scope of the country and, if anything, I usually go around feeling guilty over my outrageously comfortable life. I feel safe where I live and safe most places that I go. I'm wary when I have to be, I travel smart and look people in the eye and I smile or greet people as I pass. My husband even went so far as to tell me,"You are a mother and you have a responsibility not to put yourself in dangerous situations. " My response: "I should stop driving?!? Since the trip is now happening most of my family and friends are now just avoiding the subject. They are sure we are going to die in a suicide bombing.
I got this tendency not to be afraid from my mom, who is herself fearless. I am not fearless, I just refuse to be afraid enough that it stops me from exploring the world. We used to live in inner city Detroit, right behind Wayne State in Cass Corridor. My mom was single, working her way through university as a temp. We had to have millions of locks on the doors, we got robbed both in and out of our apartment but my mom made it all seem like an annoying little blip that could be put in perspective--nothing to hang onto and color your perceptions with. I've seen her jump between two huge guys about to get in a fistfight over a deal and use her white lady mom-voice on them and shock them into some manners. They were out in front of our door and she burst out and broke up their drama saying, "If you two want to act like a couple of two year olds, take it outside. This is a home and we don't need to hear this kind of yelling in here. As I remember it, they apologized and went outside.
But I am afraid lately. I'm afraid all throughout my body, just under the skin. It's unnerving to feel it so physically. I am afraid that the world is moving into a dark, dark period. I'm watching spring come and I find myself feeling afraid for the birds, afraid for the children that walk by my house coming home from school. What if, like in so many countries all over the world, hatred takes over and suddenly there can be no childhood? My friend just killed himself or accidentally drank himself to death after saying every day for years that he wanted to kill himself. He was afraid in a different way than I am. He was afraid of his own life. That is not one of my fears. What is my fear? I'm afraid deep down that everything is starting to fray. I don't want this for my surviving son, for anyone's son or daughter. I'm not afraid of Isis, I'm afraid of what makes Isis. I'm not afraid of some crazed american with a machine gun, I'm afraid of what made him crazy. I'm afraid that it is all too big.
I frequently give out advice to go heal in nature to people that are afraid or in despair. Get away from the human world for a while. Remember that the world holds you like a mother holds you. Maybe I need to go to the forest instead of Turkey.
I got this tendency not to be afraid from my mom, who is herself fearless. I am not fearless, I just refuse to be afraid enough that it stops me from exploring the world. We used to live in inner city Detroit, right behind Wayne State in Cass Corridor. My mom was single, working her way through university as a temp. We had to have millions of locks on the doors, we got robbed both in and out of our apartment but my mom made it all seem like an annoying little blip that could be put in perspective--nothing to hang onto and color your perceptions with. I've seen her jump between two huge guys about to get in a fistfight over a deal and use her white lady mom-voice on them and shock them into some manners. They were out in front of our door and she burst out and broke up their drama saying, "If you two want to act like a couple of two year olds, take it outside. This is a home and we don't need to hear this kind of yelling in here. As I remember it, they apologized and went outside.
But I am afraid lately. I'm afraid all throughout my body, just under the skin. It's unnerving to feel it so physically. I am afraid that the world is moving into a dark, dark period. I'm watching spring come and I find myself feeling afraid for the birds, afraid for the children that walk by my house coming home from school. What if, like in so many countries all over the world, hatred takes over and suddenly there can be no childhood? My friend just killed himself or accidentally drank himself to death after saying every day for years that he wanted to kill himself. He was afraid in a different way than I am. He was afraid of his own life. That is not one of my fears. What is my fear? I'm afraid deep down that everything is starting to fray. I don't want this for my surviving son, for anyone's son or daughter. I'm not afraid of Isis, I'm afraid of what makes Isis. I'm not afraid of some crazed american with a machine gun, I'm afraid of what made him crazy. I'm afraid that it is all too big.
I frequently give out advice to go heal in nature to people that are afraid or in despair. Get away from the human world for a while. Remember that the world holds you like a mother holds you. Maybe I need to go to the forest instead of Turkey.