Now is the time when we are meant to be most stable. Secure. Better than ever. One year in. Then how come I am more unstable than ever? I try to rationalize it by saying it's me. My problems. Insecurities. What it comes down to is me not sure of my feelings.
Maybe I mistook friendship as something more. I'm conceited - shallow. All those nasty words you can think of. Now I remember, with ferocity, why I don't date.
When do I end it?
After a fight? Before an event/milestone, saving the money I would have spent on your gift? After I've used you for a free trip?
It crosses my mind at the strangest times. Lying in bed, after a night spent watching movies and giving massages, after falling asleep, our fingers entwined like ancient tree roots. I study your face before you awaken, as you doze and even sometimes snore. I wonder if you are peeking back at me through half closed eyelids, watching me watch you. I look at you and wonder what stirred me so a year ago. My heart grows heavy then.
I weight other's thoughts above my own. My own happiness comes from those around me, you see. It's my fatal flaw, inherited directly from my maternal side. You are loud and brash and funny, and I used to laugh or even join in. Now I cringe inside, embarassed about what others think. Why is this? It's built off of other's commments. Side remarks I like to think I am intuitive to. I sacrifice a true friend for another who makes me feel bad about the others in my life. Who's the real friend here? Not me.
Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed with sadness and doom I hug you spontaneously. My tears well up as you grasp me and ask what's wrong? Affection is not my forte. When presented, it's always met with suspicion by the other party instead of gratitude.
This is not normal. But we both know that.
When do we learn love is so powerful? That when it's at it's strongest, it can hurt the most? When we are children, we give without end. Trusting, smiling at strangers and hugging those we only just met. So unconditional. Why do we become jaded?
I cannot give what I get from you. My heart knows something I will not believe yet. Or, I am simply greedy. I have never had anyone like you before. So dedicated. Giving, understanding. Patient. I test you, to see if your feelings are real. Always pushing a little more. Taking you up to the breaking point. And you always surprise me by forgiving and forgetting...but never as easily as the time before.
I did not need anyone. Why did I think I needed you? In our photos, do we look like we belong together? This is what I wonder when I look at them. What is a couple, anyways?
I am not worthy of you. This is not some sick, twisted version of "it's not you, it's me", either. I am not the one for you. This is what I lay at night thinking of, realizing, trying to fight. The thing I want you to know, the one phrase that echoes in my mind when you tell me you love me.
I love you so much, but it's making me hate what's bound to come. How long do we hold on?
And, even as I post this, I fear the worst. I need you to read it, but do not want you to. Please forgive me, for I know not what I do.
You were my only home, silver eyes.
I want to see you shine.
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time.
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I.
All for you.
Where you think you'll fall,
I adore you.
Where you shut your soul,
I will open for you.
-J.B.
i miss you too.
Maybe I mistook friendship as something more. I'm conceited - shallow. All those nasty words you can think of. Now I remember, with ferocity, why I don't date.
When do I end it?
After a fight? Before an event/milestone, saving the money I would have spent on your gift? After I've used you for a free trip?
It crosses my mind at the strangest times. Lying in bed, after a night spent watching movies and giving massages, after falling asleep, our fingers entwined like ancient tree roots. I study your face before you awaken, as you doze and even sometimes snore. I wonder if you are peeking back at me through half closed eyelids, watching me watch you. I look at you and wonder what stirred me so a year ago. My heart grows heavy then.
I weight other's thoughts above my own. My own happiness comes from those around me, you see. It's my fatal flaw, inherited directly from my maternal side. You are loud and brash and funny, and I used to laugh or even join in. Now I cringe inside, embarassed about what others think. Why is this? It's built off of other's commments. Side remarks I like to think I am intuitive to. I sacrifice a true friend for another who makes me feel bad about the others in my life. Who's the real friend here? Not me.
Sometimes, I am so overwhelmed with sadness and doom I hug you spontaneously. My tears well up as you grasp me and ask what's wrong? Affection is not my forte. When presented, it's always met with suspicion by the other party instead of gratitude.
This is not normal. But we both know that.
When do we learn love is so powerful? That when it's at it's strongest, it can hurt the most? When we are children, we give without end. Trusting, smiling at strangers and hugging those we only just met. So unconditional. Why do we become jaded?
I cannot give what I get from you. My heart knows something I will not believe yet. Or, I am simply greedy. I have never had anyone like you before. So dedicated. Giving, understanding. Patient. I test you, to see if your feelings are real. Always pushing a little more. Taking you up to the breaking point. And you always surprise me by forgiving and forgetting...but never as easily as the time before.
I did not need anyone. Why did I think I needed you? In our photos, do we look like we belong together? This is what I wonder when I look at them. What is a couple, anyways?
I am not worthy of you. This is not some sick, twisted version of "it's not you, it's me", either. I am not the one for you. This is what I lay at night thinking of, realizing, trying to fight. The thing I want you to know, the one phrase that echoes in my mind when you tell me you love me.
I love you so much, but it's making me hate what's bound to come. How long do we hold on?
And, even as I post this, I fear the worst. I need you to read it, but do not want you to. Please forgive me, for I know not what I do.
You were my only home, silver eyes.
I want to see you shine.
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time.
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I.
All for you.
Where you think you'll fall,
I adore you.
Where you shut your soul,
I will open for you.
-J.B.
i miss you too.
