EnneaNovem
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 13, 2010
- Messages
- 2
I've been lurking on and off on bluelight for a little while, knowing this site as being reliable for information and sometimes a good drug-related laugh now and then. But recently something happened that I feel the need to discuss with others who understand what trips can be like, but not with people who know me.
On Monday night I tripped on 25mg of 2c-e, something I have tripped on repeatedly and which I consider my favorite psychedelic (although this was my highest dose of 2c-e yet). It had been some time since my last 2c-e trip and the trip before this was on DOI and extremely unpleasant. I was initially enjoying the trip, although our environment and music was disjointed and I was having a hard time settling into my "trippy" feel. After some time milling about and trying to entertain myself I realized that I had not seen my boyfriend (who was also tripping) for quite some time. He entered the apartment and I asked to have a bit of alone time with him, just wanting a hug and maybe some nice conversation, so we went to a back room.
I observed that he looked very uncomfortable and unhappy, which is unusual for him on a trip, so I inquired about it. The conversation, I soon realized, turned into him breaking off our relationship. Nothing I said seemed to make a difference and he seemed to be acting completely strangely. He said he was getting sick of me, that I ruined things he enjoyed, and that I was going nowhere in life and could not take care of myself. I tried to talk about how I might fix whatever was wrong (I was previously in an emotionally abusive relationship and this relationship has been a haven of happiness for me, so this came out of absolutely nowhere and hit me off-guard) but he would have none of it. I was too confuse to cry or really respond, but tried to offer any solutions I could.
With another 6 or so hours of heavy trip remaining I was taken home and left there alone, being told before he left that my emotions were "not his problem". I wrestled back and forth with an abundance of negative emotions and a feeling of profound emptiness and blankness. I called him, having nobody else I could contact who would be willing to speak to me while I was on drugs, and told him I was scared and didn't want to be alone. The conversation was brief and offered me nothing, and I laid in bed for at least two hours feeling the most despondent I have in my life. It seemed that nothing I said or did would be enough to repair something I hadn't even known was broken before then. I was confused and easily scared because the trip was still going so strongly and nothing positive could break through to me.
Eventually he called me, and said that he had done the wrong thing. He came over, and we talked... he said he had panicked, that he was unhappy with how things in his life were going, and that he had been frustrated. We reconciled, and stayed together the following day to physically recover from the trip, mostly by sleeping.
It's now Saturday and I am still unable to shake the feelings instilled in me by this trip. I know I am so incredibly vulnerable emotionally when I trip, and no matter how many times he has apologized or tried to reassure me I feel the same. I'm now more aware than ever of characteristics in myself that I think bother other people - whether they actually do or not - and feel more shy and small than I have in quite a long time. I feel like the progress I had previously made from being belittled in my previous relationship has been destroyed and I'm having a hard time forgetting what happened. It would have been a blow had I been sober, but on a trip of that height... I don't know. I feel like it left a physical mark on me that I can't get rid of. I feel emotionally bruised. I know that it has only been just under a week, and that I should probably wait longer, but I feel stifled and hurt almost every hour of every day. He seems confused, keeps asking me what's wrong, as if I am supposed to be fine with it by now - which makes me feel more self conscious and immature. It seems like everybody thinks I should have bounced back with a vengeance, but I feel very far from that point.
I'm not sure how to handle this. I am overjoyed that he came back and explained (he said that he had an "irrational panic attack" and did not mean to say the things that he said), and that we are still together; I don't wish to end the relationship. But I am also set back quite far, to a point where I never had to be with him, and feel more like I used to in my abusive relationship. I feel inferior and like a nuisance, and discussing it with him to the extent that I already have seems just to upset him. It makes me feel stupid for being so burned by what happened.
Several times daily, especially when I am just waking up, I feel overwhelmed by a rush of intense sadness and helplessness. I feel like my trust in him was been damaged, though he has assured me repeatedly that it would "never happen again", and I don't know how to mend things so that I feel the way I used to around him. I still do, sometimes, but not with the ease and comfort I used to. Simply put, I'm afraid of him now, and feel like I'm toeing a line between doing the right thing and frustrating him to the point where he will no longer love me.
As a result of all this I am also doubting myself in a general way. I feel less confident that I can perform well or accomplish things, and I feel awkward around all of my previously close friends. I'm unsure of myself and overly emotional in a way I normally am not, though I have managed to hide it. I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I feel blank again, like I did when I was alone at home that morning, and no matter what I do I can't pull an emotion out of myself. That might be worse than feeling so sad and useless, because it scares me not to have any emotions at all.
I don't know where this should go, hence the homeless section, or if it is appropriate at all. Delete it if it is entirely unsuitable, and if so I apologize... but I know of no other dedicated communities of drug users who will understand the emotional impact things that happen during a trip can have, and I just needed to tell someone and get any advice that I can. I want to feel normal again.
On Monday night I tripped on 25mg of 2c-e, something I have tripped on repeatedly and which I consider my favorite psychedelic (although this was my highest dose of 2c-e yet). It had been some time since my last 2c-e trip and the trip before this was on DOI and extremely unpleasant. I was initially enjoying the trip, although our environment and music was disjointed and I was having a hard time settling into my "trippy" feel. After some time milling about and trying to entertain myself I realized that I had not seen my boyfriend (who was also tripping) for quite some time. He entered the apartment and I asked to have a bit of alone time with him, just wanting a hug and maybe some nice conversation, so we went to a back room.
I observed that he looked very uncomfortable and unhappy, which is unusual for him on a trip, so I inquired about it. The conversation, I soon realized, turned into him breaking off our relationship. Nothing I said seemed to make a difference and he seemed to be acting completely strangely. He said he was getting sick of me, that I ruined things he enjoyed, and that I was going nowhere in life and could not take care of myself. I tried to talk about how I might fix whatever was wrong (I was previously in an emotionally abusive relationship and this relationship has been a haven of happiness for me, so this came out of absolutely nowhere and hit me off-guard) but he would have none of it. I was too confuse to cry or really respond, but tried to offer any solutions I could.
With another 6 or so hours of heavy trip remaining I was taken home and left there alone, being told before he left that my emotions were "not his problem". I wrestled back and forth with an abundance of negative emotions and a feeling of profound emptiness and blankness. I called him, having nobody else I could contact who would be willing to speak to me while I was on drugs, and told him I was scared and didn't want to be alone. The conversation was brief and offered me nothing, and I laid in bed for at least two hours feeling the most despondent I have in my life. It seemed that nothing I said or did would be enough to repair something I hadn't even known was broken before then. I was confused and easily scared because the trip was still going so strongly and nothing positive could break through to me.
Eventually he called me, and said that he had done the wrong thing. He came over, and we talked... he said he had panicked, that he was unhappy with how things in his life were going, and that he had been frustrated. We reconciled, and stayed together the following day to physically recover from the trip, mostly by sleeping.
It's now Saturday and I am still unable to shake the feelings instilled in me by this trip. I know I am so incredibly vulnerable emotionally when I trip, and no matter how many times he has apologized or tried to reassure me I feel the same. I'm now more aware than ever of characteristics in myself that I think bother other people - whether they actually do or not - and feel more shy and small than I have in quite a long time. I feel like the progress I had previously made from being belittled in my previous relationship has been destroyed and I'm having a hard time forgetting what happened. It would have been a blow had I been sober, but on a trip of that height... I don't know. I feel like it left a physical mark on me that I can't get rid of. I feel emotionally bruised. I know that it has only been just under a week, and that I should probably wait longer, but I feel stifled and hurt almost every hour of every day. He seems confused, keeps asking me what's wrong, as if I am supposed to be fine with it by now - which makes me feel more self conscious and immature. It seems like everybody thinks I should have bounced back with a vengeance, but I feel very far from that point.
I'm not sure how to handle this. I am overjoyed that he came back and explained (he said that he had an "irrational panic attack" and did not mean to say the things that he said), and that we are still together; I don't wish to end the relationship. But I am also set back quite far, to a point where I never had to be with him, and feel more like I used to in my abusive relationship. I feel inferior and like a nuisance, and discussing it with him to the extent that I already have seems just to upset him. It makes me feel stupid for being so burned by what happened.
Several times daily, especially when I am just waking up, I feel overwhelmed by a rush of intense sadness and helplessness. I feel like my trust in him was been damaged, though he has assured me repeatedly that it would "never happen again", and I don't know how to mend things so that I feel the way I used to around him. I still do, sometimes, but not with the ease and comfort I used to. Simply put, I'm afraid of him now, and feel like I'm toeing a line between doing the right thing and frustrating him to the point where he will no longer love me.
As a result of all this I am also doubting myself in a general way. I feel less confident that I can perform well or accomplish things, and I feel awkward around all of my previously close friends. I'm unsure of myself and overly emotional in a way I normally am not, though I have managed to hide it. I don't feel like myself. Sometimes I feel blank again, like I did when I was alone at home that morning, and no matter what I do I can't pull an emotion out of myself. That might be worse than feeling so sad and useless, because it scares me not to have any emotions at all.
I don't know where this should go, hence the homeless section, or if it is appropriate at all. Delete it if it is entirely unsuitable, and if so I apologize... but I know of no other dedicated communities of drug users who will understand the emotional impact things that happen during a trip can have, and I just needed to tell someone and get any advice that I can. I want to feel normal again.
