I believe the question was, "What would you do if YOUR husband was fucking another woman?" And the suicide thing was a joke of course. Because if you were fucking my husband, I would beat your ass, maybe even kill you if I knew I could get away with it without going to prison. At the very least, I would divorce him and ruin your life some how like you ruined mine. I assume you'd do the same to a woman who was fucking your theoretically not-deceased husband right? You can't use the excuse "Well my husband would've never done that to me." Because that's why it's a hypothetical question. No one cares if you have guilt, but what would your husband think?
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
Affair with a married guy
- Thread starter blue valentine
- Start date
Chainer
Bluelighter
Blue, you should locate the old mod Purple_Cloud.
She was in your exact situation for about 8 months.
She found out last month the dude was gay - he left his wife and dropped contact from everyone and started in a new direction. It's amazing how this kind of shit can spiral. It's of my opinion that a man who would cheat on his wife is not much of a man. It's a different thing when it's an open relationship or something like that. That said, I both admire and am scared shittless by a women who is willing to fuck a married man. I know if I had a wife, that lady would start killing.
Strictly IMHO - there is nothing good that will come of this. I recently fucked a girl and it resulted in her breaking up with her boyfriend, I still feel pretty bad about it. I got the vibe she had a man, but didn't ask because she was clearly diggin me over him, so I took her home. Next day was when the truth came out and maaan, I've had that happen to me before, so I never wanted to be the one to do it to another person.
Anyway, I guess it boils down to "did I stop"? That answer is no, I'm still gettin' with this girl - but at least she ain't got a man no-more.
And that's the best personal story I have for this one.
Sadly, this. You are technically 50% of this "problem" - you are just as responsible once you knew that truth as he was. You helped him break the committment he made (a worrying quality from people who get married... le sigh).
She was in your exact situation for about 8 months.
She found out last month the dude was gay - he left his wife and dropped contact from everyone and started in a new direction. It's amazing how this kind of shit can spiral. It's of my opinion that a man who would cheat on his wife is not much of a man. It's a different thing when it's an open relationship or something like that. That said, I both admire and am scared shittless by a women who is willing to fuck a married man. I know if I had a wife, that lady would start killing.
Strictly IMHO - there is nothing good that will come of this. I recently fucked a girl and it resulted in her breaking up with her boyfriend, I still feel pretty bad about it. I got the vibe she had a man, but didn't ask because she was clearly diggin me over him, so I took her home. Next day was when the truth came out and maaan, I've had that happen to me before, so I never wanted to be the one to do it to another person.
Anyway, I guess it boils down to "did I stop"? That answer is no, I'm still gettin' with this girl - but at least she ain't got a man no-more.
And that's the best personal story I have for this one.
Sadly, this. You are technically 50% of this "problem" - you are just as responsible once you knew that truth as he was. You helped him break the committment he made (a worrying quality from people who get married... le sigh).
Lysis
Bluelighter
That's interesting Chainer. I loved P_C and thought she was a sweet person, but we rammed heads when I once claimed that no married man hangs around a hot female as "just friends." She said she and the guy were just friends, but I thought it was odd she was so upset when he moved, so I'm sad for her, but sometimes, you gotta listen to the cynics who have seen, been through and had friends who have done and believed the same stuff. She didn't pull off the "we're just friends nothing is going on" thing very well. She was too emotional with the topic, but that's the way it is when you really care about someone, even if he's a cheater. There are those rare stories where the guy leaves the wife or is truthful that the marriage is over, but it's so rare and even so, if he leaves a wife for you, don't be surprised when he does it to you in return.
Women get caught up with the romantic ideas of it all, because the married guy wants to keep the fling going. He says lots of really nice things, but once the romance is gone, she wants it to continue and he goes back to the wife when he's done with the girl. That's more typical.
I had a friend who told me she was seeing a married man, and I told her that I'm her friend and I'm not going to hate on her and be a dick to her, but I told her to be careful and do not get feelings for him. She told me the same thing all women say: Oh, I'm not in love. I just want the sex yadda yadda. Most women think they can handle it, because at that point in time, they are getting love, affection, sex and everything they want IN A RELATIONSHIP. What happened when he pulled back and said he was going back to the wife? Umm, yep, she went crazy and was totally devastated. She survived, of course, and I never said "I told you so," but I did think it and told her to stay away from him if he comes back, which he did.
Women get caught up with the romantic ideas of it all, because the married guy wants to keep the fling going. He says lots of really nice things, but once the romance is gone, she wants it to continue and he goes back to the wife when he's done with the girl. That's more typical.
I had a friend who told me she was seeing a married man, and I told her that I'm her friend and I'm not going to hate on her and be a dick to her, but I told her to be careful and do not get feelings for him. She told me the same thing all women say: Oh, I'm not in love. I just want the sex yadda yadda. Most women think they can handle it, because at that point in time, they are getting love, affection, sex and everything they want IN A RELATIONSHIP. What happened when he pulled back and said he was going back to the wife? Umm, yep, she went crazy and was totally devastated. She survived, of course, and I never said "I told you so," but I did think it and told her to stay away from him if he comes back, which he did.
I think it's perfectly plausible for a woman to have casual sexwithout emotional attachment, but like Lysis said, it's unlikely. And why does it have to be a married man? Can't you pretend some single guy is married? Put a fake ring on his finger while you fuck him if it makes you wet. *Puke*
Chainer
Bluelighter
No surprise you two butt heads on the topic. She was very selective with what she spilled in TDS or SLR. I have an IRL relationship with PC - she's a fantastic person, but she did fall right into the same trap I've seen many other girls fall into. If she tried to play like her emotions were not involved with that guy, that was a fasacde'. I know very well that she was beyond hurt when he started ignoring her. It's fucked up, cause I told her what was going to happen for, I dunno, maybe 4 months straight? Anyway it panned out almost exactly how I said it would - besides him being gay, that was a shock to me too, lol.
I love, love, love the point you make about mixing in emotions. I'm the fool doing that right now - but with a single lady. I don't want to date (coming out of such a long term relationship as I have, I'm enjoying getting with mo' ladies), so I developed a few "casual relationships" with some girls. Anyway, one of them I still continue to see almost every weekend, and it's totally crossed the line of "no emotional involvement." I can tell just by her body language.
I think it's funny when we kid ourselves that we can be detached indeffinately. After time goes by, you develop those feelings... Ain't that how love is nurtured, anyway? +1 for bringing that up, you've earned Chainer props.
blue valentine
Bluelighter
Well...I was gonna say he would've never cheated (I'm positive cuz he WAS a good guy) BUT since it's hypothetical, if I found out my husband was cheating I'd kick HIS ass instead of hers. I mean I wouldn't become her best friend or even necessarily forgive her, but I would've taken my anger out on him. Like I said he was the one who made the promise to me. That said I would've also wondered why he strayed. Like, is it just cuz he was an asshole, or was there something lacking that he was (in a misguided way) tryin to make up for by going outside the marriage? And I don't know what my husband would think. Probably warn me off, afraid I'm gonna get hurt. So I do realize this I'm just not being particularly rational.
But it's not just the sex...there's some kind of emotional connection that allows us to talk about all kinds of things. So in a way I'm getting a couple good things out of it, without the daily bills-chores-etc. that makes a relationship real. That's both good and bad, b/c although it can fufill some needs it'll never fufill others. But like I said I think there could be an element of not wanting to be in a relationship and fall in love again. But like Lysis said that could just end up happening anyway and get my heart broken anyway, sooo...it's a good point.
It's not a sexually fantasy to be fucking a married man per se (I didn't even seek him out knowing this, but yes I have continued knowing so so I accept that)...it's that for me sexually, something "wrong" seems to turn me on...like having sex in a public place knowing you might get caught. Course I'm not really comparing the two, just tryin to explain it from my perspective that it's not his marriage that gets me wet (so I doubt the fake wedding ring would work!) it's a combination of some other factors...
Lysis
Bluelighter
blue, I just think you're in an emotionally unstable state, and I think you are susceptible to the con that married men play on women in this position. I think you're kidding yourself right now, but it's a forum and you will do what you want to do.
Monkeybizness
Bluelighter
This is my point of view on this topic.
Forget the Guy and the wife
WHERE IS YOUR SELF REAPECT!
women! Common.
You eat left overs like a bum that's how I literally s ee this!
And this is what makes me dislike married men. You have to do everything on there terms and when ever hes free when they can escape when ever their wife is not around. You have to either like the thrill or like the Person to put up with this. What makes you think this Guy respects you, it just shows how shitty he and how shitty you are for participating .
Forget the Guy and the wife
WHERE IS YOUR SELF REAPECT!
women! Common.
You eat left overs like a bum that's how I literally s ee this!
And this is what makes me dislike married men. You have to do everything on there terms and when ever hes free when they can escape when ever their wife is not around. You have to either like the thrill or like the Person to put up with this. What makes you think this Guy respects you, it just shows how shitty he and how shitty you are for participating .
CoffeeDrinker
Bluelighter
I didn't read anything past the first few sentence, but from that it seems like he's good at being manipulative...if that matters to you...
I just wanna say that surviving a car crash and having an addiction problem aren't that rare at all, in fact, a lot of times addictions form in light of car crashes. It seems like a silly thing to base a relationship on. The whole "near death makes you deeper" thing is patently false...if that matters to you...
I just wanna say that surviving a car crash and having an addiction problem aren't that rare at all, in fact, a lot of times addictions form in light of car crashes. It seems like a silly thing to base a relationship on. The whole "near death makes you deeper" thing is patently false...if that matters to you...
Mystril
Greenlighter
Playing both cards as equal here, and not assassinating the male part of the responsibility equation as has seemed to be the automatic reaction of quite a few posters here, it is obvious from your post you became aware of the situation after the biggest wake-up call - his wife - contacted you via the phone.
Why wasn't that reason enough for you to cut all ties after that? Most decent, considerate people would, I'd wager.
Then to say further on that you know it is wrong and that you have convinced yourself that only you know this guy the way he needs to be known ....
Look, as has been said before, it takes two to tango. If the both of you are doing the horizontal two-step with the knowledge of the full situation - and with that comes the knowledge of the hurt that is being visited upon the wife in this - then you are both as culpable.
You seem to be using the fact that the wrongness of it and the resultant 'better than ever because of that knowledge' sex is justification enough for continuing to rub salt into the wound of his wife.
Totally different story if the wife has knowledge and is fully supportive of the 'arrangement', but it doesn't sound like it from what you've outlined in your posts.
If, in that situation, you are both happy to continue the relationship irrespective of an innocent person's feelings, then you both deserve each other. I'm not sure that is the basis of what any reasonably thinking person could claim as a solid relationship, but then again, when pure lust transcends reason and consideration, reasonable thinking comes a distant last.
As has been said before, you both will do what you both will do, and likewise will reap whatever the consequences of that may be - favourable or otherwise. What goes around generally does come around in these kind of situations, alas.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
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CoffeeDrinker
Bluelighter
After having read the thread now I have a little more insight, but my gut instinct was basically confirmed with every post. You are not a sociopath at all, but a broken girl, quite sensitive, and reeling from a tragedy. If you were a sociopath you wouldn't feel guilty about not feeling guilty and feel the need to explain the situation to bluelight for the mere exercise. If you were a sociopath your whole life would most likely look different from how it is right now... probably never getting married in the first place, unless it was to some decrepit old billionaire, in which case his death would hardly have raised a blip on the radar screen of your emotions (except for excitement about the inheritance, inevitably).
If you know you're being a cliche, then surely you know where this cliche is heading, right? Then surely you know why it'd behoove lots of people if you stopped thinking with your hormones, and made your Alma mater proud for issuing you their psychology degree? And, of course, you know why this married man is a classic cliche of a scumbag, and your tragedies are perfect bait scumbags use to manipulate their prey into doing exactly as they wish, exactly on their terms? I'm sure he's a great talker...what's his job, by the way, a salesman? An insurance salesman perhaps? Maybe a lawyer? I'm genuinely curious about how he earns his living...for the cliche's sake, mind you.
You say that you feel guilty about him having 3 kids like it's a reason to be proud of yourself....like it's a reason to not feel guilty about the rest of the messed up things you're doing, but have you actually analyzed why a person would feel guilty for basically getting in the way of a husband and wife and their children? You are directly helping to ruin 3 futures of 3 individuals who are totally innocent as of right now. Does that aspect of wrongness turn you on too?
I sure hope his conversation is good... Do you ever talk about how there's at least 3 people who think the world of the man that is currently spending much of his time chasing someone else's tail? Do you ever talk about how predictable and cliche the kid's responses are going to be once he and his wife break-up? Oh man...kids...can't help but be a cliche sometimes, though, right? Are you really so naive to think that you understand him better than his wife does? What makes you think that? I bet you talk about all the cliched things that people talk about, sex, religion, drugs, politics, pop-culture....is any of that so rare?
I really don't think you're a sociopath, and I think you're using the tragedy in your love life that you recently weathered as something of a rationale for hurting this family, for wrecking a home. It's typical for girls to throw caution to the wind once something bad has happened to them, and they can't help it if a guy hits on them, right? I think the event of your husband's death is key to this whole thing here, somehow some way. I also think that it's a load of bullshit to say "I don't think I can ever love again" as another sort of half-justification for this whole mess. You're basically saying everything BUT "I love this married guy!"
Ahh...man...I can't pin point exactly what I want to say about this...but it'd really be better for everyone if you just told him that you can't talk to him any more, under no circumstances, and then moved on from him completely. You're not going to, though, aren't you? You're going to let the situation ferment a little more, get all the hollow pleasure from him until it can't go on any longer, then feel devastated, then hate men and never give an actual good guy another chance, then get a bunch of cats, then get funny little decorations....cliches...gotta love 'em...except that last one I think was just my one aunt...
You're skating on thing ice here, girl, and you're telling everyone how well your ability is to read the signs even as you blatantly ignore them. "This will all end in tears." I forget who said that..."Pretty girls make graves" I think Jack Kerouac said that...
Do you think that the tragedy has made you callous to other people's pain? Or to pain in general? I can almost guarantee that it hasn't, but it is giving you a reason to convert back to your addict mindset. You definitely would benefit from a good few close friends, or a good therapist, or many other things. You will never ever benefit, in any way, from this situation though. Good luck...
If you know you're being a cliche, then surely you know where this cliche is heading, right? Then surely you know why it'd behoove lots of people if you stopped thinking with your hormones, and made your Alma mater proud for issuing you their psychology degree? And, of course, you know why this married man is a classic cliche of a scumbag, and your tragedies are perfect bait scumbags use to manipulate their prey into doing exactly as they wish, exactly on their terms? I'm sure he's a great talker...what's his job, by the way, a salesman? An insurance salesman perhaps? Maybe a lawyer? I'm genuinely curious about how he earns his living...for the cliche's sake, mind you.
You say that you feel guilty about him having 3 kids like it's a reason to be proud of yourself....like it's a reason to not feel guilty about the rest of the messed up things you're doing, but have you actually analyzed why a person would feel guilty for basically getting in the way of a husband and wife and their children? You are directly helping to ruin 3 futures of 3 individuals who are totally innocent as of right now. Does that aspect of wrongness turn you on too?
I sure hope his conversation is good... Do you ever talk about how there's at least 3 people who think the world of the man that is currently spending much of his time chasing someone else's tail? Do you ever talk about how predictable and cliche the kid's responses are going to be once he and his wife break-up? Oh man...kids...can't help but be a cliche sometimes, though, right? Are you really so naive to think that you understand him better than his wife does? What makes you think that? I bet you talk about all the cliched things that people talk about, sex, religion, drugs, politics, pop-culture....is any of that so rare?
I really don't think you're a sociopath, and I think you're using the tragedy in your love life that you recently weathered as something of a rationale for hurting this family, for wrecking a home. It's typical for girls to throw caution to the wind once something bad has happened to them, and they can't help it if a guy hits on them, right? I think the event of your husband's death is key to this whole thing here, somehow some way. I also think that it's a load of bullshit to say "I don't think I can ever love again" as another sort of half-justification for this whole mess. You're basically saying everything BUT "I love this married guy!"
Ahh...man...I can't pin point exactly what I want to say about this...but it'd really be better for everyone if you just told him that you can't talk to him any more, under no circumstances, and then moved on from him completely. You're not going to, though, aren't you? You're going to let the situation ferment a little more, get all the hollow pleasure from him until it can't go on any longer, then feel devastated, then hate men and never give an actual good guy another chance, then get a bunch of cats, then get funny little decorations....cliches...gotta love 'em...except that last one I think was just my one aunt...
You're skating on thing ice here, girl, and you're telling everyone how well your ability is to read the signs even as you blatantly ignore them. "This will all end in tears." I forget who said that..."Pretty girls make graves" I think Jack Kerouac said that...
Do you think that the tragedy has made you callous to other people's pain? Or to pain in general? I can almost guarantee that it hasn't, but it is giving you a reason to convert back to your addict mindset. You definitely would benefit from a good few close friends, or a good therapist, or many other things. You will never ever benefit, in any way, from this situation though. Good luck...
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littlepenguin
Bluelighter
coffedrinker...that was pretty amazing. right the F on.
blue valentine
Bluelighter
Well...I can honestly say that y'all have given me something to think about.
BTW, being with inappropriate men is nothin new for me...before my husband and I got married and "legit", he was my dope dealer...I definitely loved him, alot, but we had our issues this is for sure. And as for other guys I've been with, they have generally been wildly inappropriate--just not married. So yeah, I'd wager a guess that it has something to do with some personal issues I need to work out...or maybe I'm just pretty slutty and I like assholes, idk.
I'm also a sucker for a smooth talker...the married guy isn't a salesman, he's a chemical engineer (since ya asked)
BTW, being with inappropriate men is nothin new for me...before my husband and I got married and "legit", he was my dope dealer...I definitely loved him, alot, but we had our issues this is for sure. And as for other guys I've been with, they have generally been wildly inappropriate--just not married. So yeah, I'd wager a guess that it has something to do with some personal issues I need to work out...or maybe I'm just pretty slutty and I like assholes, idk.
I'm also a sucker for a smooth talker...the married guy isn't a salesman, he's a chemical engineer (since ya asked)
CoffeeDrinker
Bluelighter
^I'm not judging anything about what you're doing in terms of good or bad, or you should do this or not do that, or whatever, and I see nothing wrong with marrying your dope dealer if that's who you loved. I'm talking purely from a harm reduction stand point.
Lysis
Bluelighter
CoffeeDrinker, what an amazing post. Thank you.
Girrrrl, I've been exactly where you are in several aspects. I probably seem like a hypocrite, but I am upset that you are falling for the con and I hate to see my chicas go through the shit I've been through.
I remember your posts from before, and like Coffee said, I don't think you're sociopathic. I just think you're being emotionally swindled. You wouldn't post here asking if you were totally emotionally separated from feeling guilty.
You're not slutty for liking assholes. I'm flypaper for assholes, and I'm conservative as far as this forum is concerned. Probably not conservative if you put me in a church, but in comparison to a lot of things posted here, I'm super conservative. My point is that you like who you like, and that's OK, but you have to show some self-control. When you go through a tragedy, you don't really think straight. I remember thinking that I will NEVER find someone like that and NEVER feel love for someone. I've still had my ups and downs since then, but I have had relationships since him where I really loved the guy and was super attracted to the men. TBH, I haven't really found someone special like him, but I think his death has put him on a pedestal where he would not have been had he not died. That's what I keep telling myself. If we had just broken up, would I feel the same way? I don't know, but it's what goes through my head. I think because of that, I'm looking for something similar and haven't found it yet.
I'm guessing he lets you talk about your ex, too, because married men do whatever they can to keep it up until they are sick of you. He doesn't have to see you. He's not tied to you. He can just tell you his wife is home or whatever, so if you get annoying, he avoids you for a week until he gets horny. He is taking advantage of your emotional state, but you know what is going on, so the scales are tipping and when it all blows up, it's just as much your fault as it is his, regardless of the state you're in.
No one is so worthless that they don't deserve a good, healthy relationship. I don't care who you are. You deserve better than some guy who just gets to play you like a puppet and show you no respect.
Girrrrl, I've been exactly where you are in several aspects. I probably seem like a hypocrite, but I am upset that you are falling for the con and I hate to see my chicas go through the shit I've been through.
I remember your posts from before, and like Coffee said, I don't think you're sociopathic. I just think you're being emotionally swindled. You wouldn't post here asking if you were totally emotionally separated from feeling guilty.
You're not slutty for liking assholes. I'm flypaper for assholes, and I'm conservative as far as this forum is concerned. Probably not conservative if you put me in a church, but in comparison to a lot of things posted here, I'm super conservative. My point is that you like who you like, and that's OK, but you have to show some self-control. When you go through a tragedy, you don't really think straight. I remember thinking that I will NEVER find someone like that and NEVER feel love for someone. I've still had my ups and downs since then, but I have had relationships since him where I really loved the guy and was super attracted to the men. TBH, I haven't really found someone special like him, but I think his death has put him on a pedestal where he would not have been had he not died. That's what I keep telling myself. If we had just broken up, would I feel the same way? I don't know, but it's what goes through my head. I think because of that, I'm looking for something similar and haven't found it yet.
I'm guessing he lets you talk about your ex, too, because married men do whatever they can to keep it up until they are sick of you. He doesn't have to see you. He's not tied to you. He can just tell you his wife is home or whatever, so if you get annoying, he avoids you for a week until he gets horny. He is taking advantage of your emotional state, but you know what is going on, so the scales are tipping and when it all blows up, it's just as much your fault as it is his, regardless of the state you're in.
No one is so worthless that they don't deserve a good, healthy relationship. I don't care who you are. You deserve better than some guy who just gets to play you like a puppet and show you no respect.
blue valentine
Bluelighter
CoffeeDrinker, Lysis...and everyone who replied...thank you guys soooo much. I originally posted this knowing in my heart what I needed to do but pretty much needed a nudge in the right direction. Yes I resisted at first, rationalizing, but I knew. So today I broke it off with him. In person, told him how I felt, all of it. And just told him that I couldn't keep doing this to myself because I know it's only gonna end up hurting me, and surely other people along the way.
So yes, I broke it off mainly for selfish reasons--i.e., my self-destructive streak needed to be halted before I caused myself any more pain than I already have. But you know what else, guys? I've been doing some serious soul-searching about my outlook on life since my husband's death. I believe someone suggested to me that perhaps my own tragedy has made me immune to recognize suffering in other people. This is hard to admit, but it's true. Honestly, when someone mentioned "How would you feel if YOU were his wife?" My first thought, awful as is sounds, was "Well, fuck, she HAS her husband still, he might be cheating but he's not dead, so she shouldn't fucking complain." Being honest here. I really thought that. Now I look at that perspective and realize that is no way to live life.
Yes, I was dealt a shitty hand when Jon died. Yes, I sometimes feel bitter toward other people who have not experienced the kind of pain that I have. But it is only going to hurt me more to lose my empathy for others that I felt so strongly before he died. Just because someone hasn't lost a spouse, that doesn't mean they don't have pain in their life or don't feel strong emotions or don't deserve my sympathy. I can't spend the rest of my life looking through a lens that compares my tragedy to someone else's life, playing a "victim" contest and determining I win. That's NO way to live.
You guys, I know we don't know each other, but I have to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for responding to my post, honestly and thoughtfully. Even if a comment seemed harsh you were just trying to help me see what I was trying so hard to ignore.
You have helped me make a good decison. I am so thankful. I am glad that I felt strong enough to realize that I am better off alone than having this affair, for many reasons.
Thanks guys. Much love.
So yes, I broke it off mainly for selfish reasons--i.e., my self-destructive streak needed to be halted before I caused myself any more pain than I already have. But you know what else, guys? I've been doing some serious soul-searching about my outlook on life since my husband's death. I believe someone suggested to me that perhaps my own tragedy has made me immune to recognize suffering in other people. This is hard to admit, but it's true. Honestly, when someone mentioned "How would you feel if YOU were his wife?" My first thought, awful as is sounds, was "Well, fuck, she HAS her husband still, he might be cheating but he's not dead, so she shouldn't fucking complain." Being honest here. I really thought that. Now I look at that perspective and realize that is no way to live life.
Yes, I was dealt a shitty hand when Jon died. Yes, I sometimes feel bitter toward other people who have not experienced the kind of pain that I have. But it is only going to hurt me more to lose my empathy for others that I felt so strongly before he died. Just because someone hasn't lost a spouse, that doesn't mean they don't have pain in their life or don't feel strong emotions or don't deserve my sympathy. I can't spend the rest of my life looking through a lens that compares my tragedy to someone else's life, playing a "victim" contest and determining I win. That's NO way to live.
You guys, I know we don't know each other, but I have to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for responding to my post, honestly and thoughtfully. Even if a comment seemed harsh you were just trying to help me see what I was trying so hard to ignore.
You have helped me make a good decison. I am so thankful. I am glad that I felt strong enough to realize that I am better off alone than having this affair, for many reasons.
Thanks guys. Much love.
wizekrak
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2000
- Messages
- 4,250
One of the major things I've learned in dating is that you can tell how someone will inevitably treat you by looking at how they treat others around them. Watch for the red flags, especially in the beginning before getting getting blinded by emotions
glitterbizkit
Bluelighter
Just read through the whole thread and saw your last post, blue valentine.... I'm glad you broke it off - having been in a similar situation, I can say that it was very strong of you to do.
I've never had an affair with a married man, but I did have a two-year 'fling' with a guy who had a serious girlfriend. they lived together and were planning kids. Well, she was planning kids and actively trying to get pregnant while he was freaked out about the whole thing but too scared to say 'no' to her. Things between him and I started off as just sex. For over a year we managed to keep it casual. I did feel guilty for her, and I broke up with him countless times... But the big problem? He was my manager at work. It's really difficult to break up with someone you work with, especially if it's a small team, and especially if you regularly get drunk together (we worked in a bar). Plus he was very persistent, and my self-control is less than excellent.
I did manage to break it off for two whole months once - this was around the time when it ceased to be 'just sex - but there was another girl at work who had the hots for him. She was all over him, all the time, and he of course loved the attention. For the first month or so, he tried to get back with me - as I said, he was persistent, he'd try every time we saw each other, i.e. several times a day. But then he realised I wasn't budging, so he started turning to her. So I'd have to watch them flirt and god knows what else. I spent a lot of time crying in the toilet at work those days. It felt particularly cruel, because the only reason I had broken up with him was because I felt it was the moral thing to do. I guess I assumed doing the right thing would lead to peace, not pain.
So I got back with him again 8( And then it wasn't just sex any more. Long story short, he did end up breaking up with his girlfriend, we tried to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but it didn't work, none of us trusted the other one bit. And I suppose the thrill of illicit sex was a major aphrodisiac for me, because I just didn't feel the same when we were together normally.
Anyway there's more to the story (we tried out an 'open relationship' which was a disaster), but basically it all ended very, very badly. I don't think I fully realised how toxic the situation was or how bad it was for my self-esteem until now, almost a year later. For a long time afterwards, I had trouble dating guys normally. I was so used to being treated like a sex object, or a piece of ass on the side, that I think I subconsciously gave out those signals to men, and I had a bumpy romance/sex life even after I broke up with this guy. Seriously, it's only now that my self-esteem is back to normal and I can actually say that I deserve to be no. 1 in a guy's life - and believe it.
He has since gotten back with his ex, and apparently he is serious about starting a family with her now. Honestly, knowing him as I do, I think he''s just scared to be alone. She presumably has no idea that he was fucking someone else for most of their relationship. I feel sorry for her, she is 40 and desperately wants to have a family, and hasn't a clue as to his inability to remain faithful. Although they did start their relationship when he was still with his then-wife, so really... She should know. But it's easy to believe what you want to believe.
I haven't seen him for over a year, thank goodness. He cut contact with all our mutual friends, presumably because towards the end, everyone knew about the two of us and he was scared that she'd find out. I hope he does manage to be faithful to her, because he did mention many times that he wanted to be monogamous in a relationship. But... Apart from that, I don't give a shit whether he lives or dies.
I've never had an affair with a married man, but I did have a two-year 'fling' with a guy who had a serious girlfriend. they lived together and were planning kids. Well, she was planning kids and actively trying to get pregnant while he was freaked out about the whole thing but too scared to say 'no' to her. Things between him and I started off as just sex. For over a year we managed to keep it casual. I did feel guilty for her, and I broke up with him countless times... But the big problem? He was my manager at work. It's really difficult to break up with someone you work with, especially if it's a small team, and especially if you regularly get drunk together (we worked in a bar). Plus he was very persistent, and my self-control is less than excellent.
I did manage to break it off for two whole months once - this was around the time when it ceased to be 'just sex - but there was another girl at work who had the hots for him. She was all over him, all the time, and he of course loved the attention. For the first month or so, he tried to get back with me - as I said, he was persistent, he'd try every time we saw each other, i.e. several times a day. But then he realised I wasn't budging, so he started turning to her. So I'd have to watch them flirt and god knows what else. I spent a lot of time crying in the toilet at work those days. It felt particularly cruel, because the only reason I had broken up with him was because I felt it was the moral thing to do. I guess I assumed doing the right thing would lead to peace, not pain.
So I got back with him again 8( And then it wasn't just sex any more. Long story short, he did end up breaking up with his girlfriend, we tried to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but it didn't work, none of us trusted the other one bit. And I suppose the thrill of illicit sex was a major aphrodisiac for me, because I just didn't feel the same when we were together normally.
Anyway there's more to the story (we tried out an 'open relationship' which was a disaster), but basically it all ended very, very badly. I don't think I fully realised how toxic the situation was or how bad it was for my self-esteem until now, almost a year later. For a long time afterwards, I had trouble dating guys normally. I was so used to being treated like a sex object, or a piece of ass on the side, that I think I subconsciously gave out those signals to men, and I had a bumpy romance/sex life even after I broke up with this guy. Seriously, it's only now that my self-esteem is back to normal and I can actually say that I deserve to be no. 1 in a guy's life - and believe it.
He has since gotten back with his ex, and apparently he is serious about starting a family with her now. Honestly, knowing him as I do, I think he''s just scared to be alone. She presumably has no idea that he was fucking someone else for most of their relationship. I feel sorry for her, she is 40 and desperately wants to have a family, and hasn't a clue as to his inability to remain faithful. Although they did start their relationship when he was still with his then-wife, so really... She should know. But it's easy to believe what you want to believe.
I haven't seen him for over a year, thank goodness. He cut contact with all our mutual friends, presumably because towards the end, everyone knew about the two of us and he was scared that she'd find out. I hope he does manage to be faithful to her, because he did mention many times that he wanted to be monogamous in a relationship. But... Apart from that, I don't give a shit whether he lives or dies.
Lysis
Bluelighter
I'm so glad you broke it off, blue. Don't beat yourself up over it. That's what this place is for, and lots of us have done some pretty stupid shit, and I'm probably #1 stupid chick when it comes to this stuff, especially in my 20s.
@glitter, I had a similar deal. I look back and I was just so dumb. I was in my 20s. 25 to be exact. My boss was 40 and going through a midlife crisis. He pursued me for a while, and I was so unhappy in my current relationship. He told me he was separating from his wife and he was done. He even left work early to "go get an apartment" because he was done. This was all before we started sleeping together, so I thought it was ok, but I think I was just being an idiot. After the whole thing blew up, I found out he not only did NOT leave his wife, but he had 2 other girls besides me on the side. Yeah, I know how to pick some real winners. lol
So, we decide we are going to be cordial, and one of the other girls in the office was his other side thing. I told him to fuck off. She kept it going, but I know he was telling her the same thing as me and she had no idea about the other girl I found out about. Well, watching the two of them and being hurt didn't sit well with me, so I did my job but stayed away from him. He saw this as a problem, so he started to make "rules" that directly affected me. He was my boss, and I promised myself and him I would tell no one. At least I was smart enough to tell one of my friends that I worked with, because it saved my ass. He started doing malicious things with his position to basically make me miserable and push me out. Now that I'm older and look back, I should have just found another job, but this job let me have flexible hours so I could go to school. He basically told me one day that I could no longer go to school. After I realized he was fucking with me, and he reported me to HR for being "tardy," I decided I was going to fight back. Told the owner (his boss) what was going on and he got fired about 2 weeks later.
It was one big clusterfuck of awful, and it was my fault in a lot of ways. Now, when friends tell me about stuff like this, I don't judge them, but it's the same thing over and over and the same result always follows. I seriously think the 40 midlife crisis thing is true. It's always 40+ year old men pulling this shit, and women fall for the con and they are the ones getting hurt.
I'm glad you broke it off. I think you are saving yourself from much more heartache down the road.
@glitter, I had a similar deal. I look back and I was just so dumb. I was in my 20s. 25 to be exact. My boss was 40 and going through a midlife crisis. He pursued me for a while, and I was so unhappy in my current relationship. He told me he was separating from his wife and he was done. He even left work early to "go get an apartment" because he was done. This was all before we started sleeping together, so I thought it was ok, but I think I was just being an idiot. After the whole thing blew up, I found out he not only did NOT leave his wife, but he had 2 other girls besides me on the side. Yeah, I know how to pick some real winners. lol
So, we decide we are going to be cordial, and one of the other girls in the office was his other side thing. I told him to fuck off. She kept it going, but I know he was telling her the same thing as me and she had no idea about the other girl I found out about. Well, watching the two of them and being hurt didn't sit well with me, so I did my job but stayed away from him. He saw this as a problem, so he started to make "rules" that directly affected me. He was my boss, and I promised myself and him I would tell no one. At least I was smart enough to tell one of my friends that I worked with, because it saved my ass. He started doing malicious things with his position to basically make me miserable and push me out. Now that I'm older and look back, I should have just found another job, but this job let me have flexible hours so I could go to school. He basically told me one day that I could no longer go to school. After I realized he was fucking with me, and he reported me to HR for being "tardy," I decided I was going to fight back. Told the owner (his boss) what was going on and he got fired about 2 weeks later.
It was one big clusterfuck of awful, and it was my fault in a lot of ways. Now, when friends tell me about stuff like this, I don't judge them, but it's the same thing over and over and the same result always follows. I seriously think the 40 midlife crisis thing is true. It's always 40+ year old men pulling this shit, and women fall for the con and they are the ones getting hurt.
I'm glad you broke it off. I think you are saving yourself from much more heartache down the road.
Forget all about your understanding of his relationship with his wife - you have based this on his 'one sided' story. Is he really married? So many people play the 'married to a bitch' card simply to have sex it's a bit of a cliche in itself.
Do you like sex with this person? Yes = continue - No = Stop.
Now ask yourself another question, your snuggled up with your partner thinking how much you love him/her - now imagine them a few hours ago fucking another person. What would you think of that person?
Do you like sex with this person? Yes = continue - No = Stop.
Now ask yourself another question, your snuggled up with your partner thinking how much you love him/her - now imagine them a few hours ago fucking another person. What would you think of that person?