Advise Please (Addiction)..Amphetamine "What's defines Problematic"

[TheStarOnIR]

Hey guys,

Painstakingly I come before the forum in an effort to acquire opinions/ advice on the current situation presenting itself. I am a 23 year old once very fit healthy male, I exercised on a regular basis. (1x-2x Daily), I drank water, ate healthy. Yet still something was missing, I was very unhappy, lacked confidence, etc. These positive habits came to an end about 8 months ago after I took a big job that required my attention around the clock. I maintained it well, got things done but it wasn't a difficult thing to do, truthfully I felt like it was killing me slowly. I, like many other young professionals, students, etc. started using Adderall. It became a wonder drug, I made things happen effortlessly. I did it with pleasure, I was tenacious and sure of myself like never before. I was getting positive attention I was so very well spoken and knowledgeable that not only was I surprising all those around me but myself even. I can't exactly explain the magnitude of where I am going with this, I literally was unstoppable, everyone I met was blown away and just taken by me. I am only 23 yet I was a walking dictionary with a sales pitch you just couldn't beat.

So things were going really great. I became more and more tolerable to the drug which I knew was a very normal thing. So I just started to increase my dose until I found myself up 2 nights at a time and sleeping 12 hours only to find myself in the same situation again. Doses were at a 90mg intake daily, sometimes upwards of 125-150mg in a 24 hour duration. I knew it was problematic yet not enough so I felt it should addressed or mitigated outside of my own personal opinion. Truth be told as long as the benefit continued to outweigh the risk I felt like "fuck it." As time continued to go on, I remained still- A man on a mission to the moon. I lived and worked, lived worked, blah. Well in the midst of it I started to catch myself doing odd/ strange things. Things that are clearly not one a normal individual would do. Close friends and family members were recognizing these things as well. Still "fuck it" I didnt care I am making things happen I never dreamed I had been capable of.

Today I am here 8 months of off and on usage, I am a fly by night guy. Woman come easy and they leave easier. I am phobic towards monogamy. I am disgusted with myself but not entirely unhappy about that. All of which I feel is circumnavigated around this "motivational mint" as I say. I began doing this during a very difficult time of my life and it seemed to not only give me clerical superpowers but appease the fact that my family was going on without me while I worked, got jacked up and drowned in a sea of pointless pussy. I am here today because I feel like this is all a serious issue. I don't know how serious, I don't know if this is my sign to say goodbye to this stuff. If it is that time, I don't know truthfully if I will or not...

Please, anyone... Help me save me from myself before I lose all touch with reality. I have already lost the love of my life whom I share a gorgeous daughter with. I only get to see her every other weekend. I am not HAPPY once again. What do I do here I am on the fast track to seriously rare success and fortune. The polar opposite of what anyone before me has or had predicted for me. I don't know what it is I should do...

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey TheStar.. sorry you find yourself in this place... from reading your post I think you may have been reaching a hypomanic place with the use of the amps >here< >here<.. also if you haven't read through this you may want to take a gander.. the whole thing with stimulant addiction is learning to deal with the psychological addiction.. the best way I can suggest to begin to do this is to really look at and write down what use of the stimulants does for you... addiction takes a snap shot, of when we feel good on the substance.. take a look at the whole film.. think back to one of these stimulant benders and write down exactly how it goes, from beginning to the end.. and of course it doesn't end with the last dose as the negative effects hang on.. so maybe consider taking a whole cycle and exploring it, from first use all the way through stopping, all the way till the first dose of the next cycle.. I know you are a really good writer so consider doing one of your pieces and possible posting it here.. I would however recommend doing this exercise sober.. "the bottom of any whole is where you choose to stop digging"

 

[dankplantgrower]

When you say you would do weird things on Adderall, what kind of weird things were you doing? Depending on severity, you might need to leave it alone just to prevent these odd behaviors. Especially if your family is noticing these things.

Honestly youre strong enough to just "chip" with it, then youre strong enough to make do without it. Personally Id attempt to patch it up with babys mom if possible. I also only see my kids every other weekend and it fucking sucks. If I had just patched it up in the beginning I would be seeing them every day. Now another guy is pretty much raising my kids... Huge source of addiction fuel for me personally. Best of luck man.

 

[Tronica]

Hi there.. thanks for sharing your story. I think you will likely receive more appropriate support/responses if we move your thread to The Dark Side.

DS ---> TDS

TDS mods, please move if this was not correct.

 

[herbavore]

^ That is really good advice.

I would also suggest trying to sidestep the trap of focusing now on your "failures" as you see them. You were focused on your success at work and the ease with which you got sex and the general admiration of coworkers and others. Looking at the world and yourself through the very limiting lens of success/failure means that you get pumped up or deflated in an artificial way. Learning to re-frame "success" as balance and "failure" as an opportunity to deepen and grow opens a whole new way to experience life. Judgment gives way to real learning.

Being a father to your daughter and creating a healthy relationship with your ex will come naturally when you can forgive yourself and begin to heal. You have already taken the first hard step which is admitting honestly what you are doing and accepting responsibility for the consequences. Now comes the truly hard part of not shaming yourself into deepening the rut.

Use this thread to keep going. We are all here to support you. The great thing about it is that it is anonymous so that you can be as honest as possible with yourself but the fact that others respond gives you so much more to consider than just listening to the voices in your own head.

 

[Vaya]

TheStarOnIR, I have merged your two threads because they represent the same exact post, albeit under a different thread title. Double-posting is discouraged here.

Additionally, merging the threads will concentrate the subject matter you are sharing with us, likely resulting in a better pool of responses. It also frees up the board a little bit.

If you have any questions, please send me a PM. Thanks!

~ Vaya