Advise depression and suboxin.

[Catiscool16]

Hello guys this is my first question on this site so please excuse me if I say anything wrong. So I been an addict for over 6 years my first time I was just snorting oxycodone. Probably 2 blue perk 30s a day for about a year. Eventually I started taking 1, 8 mg Subutex every day for about two months before I decided to stop. I remember researching how long withdraws last and crying on the couch thinking I was gonna be sick for a year or something so I prayed over and over that it wouldn't be too bad. The second day of taking nothing I felt kinda sick ish but nothing like the feeling of being dope sick after that I was fine 0 withdraws I couldn't believe how lucky I got. Took about a year for my brain to get back to normal.

Finally the depression went away and I was back to being my outgoing silly crazy self. A year later I met a guy that I messed with once in high school he was older then me and just had me wrapped around his finger. He knew I was sober we often talked about our sobriety together on the phone. Finally we met up had an awesome time and in the morning he told me he was gonna get high and I freaked. He smiled and told me he gets high once in awhile and not to worry. I was angry but I was so head over heels for him I couldn't leave. Long story short he eventually got me into using H and I became an IV drug user just like him. We had a crazy movie like relationship we would go to Baltimore every day get high and run around the city having fun. We loved to get high in the graveyard and listen to music and walk around.

It was just impossible to leave him despite the fact that he was mean like meaner then anyone I have ever encountered. But he was also a good person he just was unstable I stayed with the hope I could help him. We went through years of going back and forth from subs to H. All the while making us stronger together. I hated the mf but I'd die for him too. One day he overdosed and almost died I'll never forget that day for the rest o my life. It changed me we had to get clean. In our love we found a reason to live. Problem was we had an addiction and the Subutex was making us sick from pw every single time we would take it. My best guess is that it was the fentanyl they were mixing in the scramble pills it was too strong for the sub to knock off our receptors. I mean I'd wait 2 days in full blown withdraw and the subs would continue to make us sick. So we joined a methadone clinic I got up to 80 mg and kept falling asleep at the behind the wheel. I didn't want to hurt myself or anyone else so I tapered down. Then I just kept going until I got to ten mg.

Both of us stopped going after that a few days in I just could not stand another sleepless night the restless legs was the worst part I just couldn't take it so I got a sub took it felt better I had been taking the same 12 mg sub for two days and splitting it with him before it was gone and I thought we would be fine ....NO it was horrible the withdraw on the second day of not having anything was horrible I couldn't believe I was going through full blow withdraw and I haven't touched dope in over a year and a half at this point. My depression has been unreal ever since I stopped the methadone. So as of right now I'm on subs just grabbing them from friemds. Him and I are doing better then ever relationship wise he's calm and sweet we have our own place bills are paid family is proud of me ECT...

Everything is good except for me. I'm unhappy and I have nothing to be unhappy about really ( other then the fact I need subs still) I mean it takes all my energy and the hand of God to pull me up out of bed just to pee or get dressed. I used to be an artist of all trades and my natural high has always been listening to music and creating something but now I just don't want to do anything. It's this horrible feeling of not wanting to do anything but at the same time desperately wanting to do anything. I feel trapped inside myself. I finally got a doc a few weeks ago she prescribed me wellbutrin and it made me so angry and crazy I had to stop. I remembered all the times I took vyvance that I loved it I got up went for walked talked to friemds created art cleaned alllllllll that good stuff and also... It took away withdraw. So I asked my doctor for it she gave it to me only 20 mg though. The first day I took 2 and was not impressed tried again the next day and it seemed to last a bit longer but just was not what I remembered at all. Maybe I'm not taking enough? Not sure. T he vyvance was my last hope and it doesn't seem to be helping.

I'm really lost right now. I'm taking the vyvance on the days when I need it and subs to come down. I recently had my first zub and loved it. Works great makes me have a euphoria and all. I sniff it though I broke all my points and intend to stay away from them. I guess what I'm asking is. At this point with my depression should I get off everything and go through hell until im back to normal, should ask my doctor for the great feeling zubsolvs that make me happy but are just keeping me addicted to something, or should I get on Suboxone which I don't feel much but stay well but might keep my depression? Anyone who has gone through something like this any advise would be very appreciated. Just keep in mind my depression is running my life so bad I have lost all my friends and went from a very popular happy funny artsy girl to a very sad quiet loner that can't stand being anywhere including her own home.

Please help guys I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong place or anything!

 

[Keif' Richards]

Catiscool16, my name is Keif' (obviously)! I'm one of the moderators here in Basic Drug Discussion and part of what we do is move stuff around and make sure it fits in with our stated goals and policies. I would like to give you a warm welcome to Bluelight and I look forward to seeing you develop into a valuable and contributing member of the community!

So, one very important thing I need to mention to you, is that if you make posts Jack Kerouac-style in a stream-of-consciousness manner, without paragraphs, people are much less likely to even attempt to read what you have written. It's an unfortunate aspect of human nature. In the future, please do your best to break up your post into separate paragraphs, with each paragraph more or less dedicated to a specific idea, statement or goal. We don't ask for perfection. We actually just want you to get the help you desire and this is part of how you do it.

So, with this in mind, I have broken up your wall of text into said paragraphs. I apologize if this is not alright with you, but I wanted you to get the help you desire. So, in addition to everything that I have said here, I feel that, as your primary issue seems to be depression, you might do better in our dedicated recovery forums. We call it "The Dark Side", but have no fear, the name is highly ironic, as this is the spot on BL where people are trying to repair their lives. Good luck.

Basic Drug Discussion -> The Dark Side

 

[Catiscool16]

Thank you for the help I appreciate it! I'll keep that in mind for any future post's.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

First of all, I think you're mistaken in thinking that zubslov is giving you this fantastic euphoria whereas suboxone wouldn't do anything. The reason you're feeling great off the zubslov now but you felt shitty off the suboxone before is because your time in sobriety has reduced your tolerance dramatically (a proper taper plan followed by total abstinence will do that for you). I understand that PAWs can be really, really rough and feel like an interminable misery that only drugs can solve, but they're honestly not the answer. The dose of zubslov that's getting you high and euphoric now won't be doing the same in a fortnight, a month or a few months from now. Seeking chemical relief with short term euphoria is a one-way road back to dope.

During your period of total sobriety, off of subs & methadone, what was your lifestyle like?

 

[Catiscool16]

Thank you for responding. I'm not sure if your asking about the first time I got sober for two years or the short time between getting off the methadone and starting to buy subs. When I got off the methadone my life fell apart. I stay inside my small apartment with my two year old son who wants to play with mommy and get attention. I had no energy to play with him I was too wrapped up in the thought of suicide to give him the attention he deserves.

I literally just sat in my apartment day in and day out laying on the couch not talking to anyone except my bf when I have to. There was a point where I yelled at my son for pulling and tugging on my blanket and I was really screaming at him and in that moment I said to myself "wtf are you doing, he just wants attention" and I knew something had to change. He's my world and here I am being selfish, too wrapped up in myself to be the mother this sweet boy needs. So that's why I got back on subs.

I just got prescribed a week's worth of zub yesterday and I'm happy but I can't help but feel as though I made the wrong decision. I can change my script next week if I want too ( my doctor will give me whatever). Thinking of going back on subutex because that's what successfully got me clean the first time around. My counselor is really pushing the Vivitrol shot on me but I've heard horror story's about the depression it's caused many people. I'm not really sure what to do. Wish I never touched opiates again. Should have known better from the first time around. Seems to get worse with every relapse.