Advice please? Hope this is the right place...

[Mofie]

Hello everyone. I'm relatively new here, so I'm sorry if this isn't the best place to be posting but I feel like because a lot of my problems are drug related, although not all of them, you guys may be able to understand this better than my family and friends.
I've always been a recreational drug user and I never had any addiction problems until my latest relationship started falling to pieces and taking my self esteem and control with it. I have a history of mental health issues, but they are all emotional and triggered. There is nothing WRONG with me, I just have had a
rough time and it has caused detriment to my mental well being. I'll start at the beginning.

I was engaged when I fell in love with my now almost two year old Daughter's Father. I ended a long term relationship to be with him, although my brothers who were friends with him warned me that he wasn't "right" and was "disturbed" but wouldn't really elaborate. I think they just sensed something worrying in him. I fell hard and didn't listen to anyone else but my new boyfriend. He wanted to have a baby, he wanted to marry me. He was obsessive about getting me pregnant after only a month or so together. Three months into the relationship I got pregnant, I was over the moon and so was he, we knew it was fast but I was so in love. The abuse began not long after, emotional and physical but only physical once, as I left him then. We got back together during the pregnancy but lived in seperate homes. The emotional abuse continued on and off, as did our relationship - until last september, when he finally left me (We had been living together again by then) after a silly fight and, even though he at first said he would come back and we could be together - he just didn't, and when I try and bring it up he accuses me of being childish or guilt tripping him. He sees our daughter once a week and just didn't ever explain why he didn't actually come back. I gave him everything he ever asked me for and I'm sure I at least deserve that. I've not given a lot of detail about specific fights or abuse as it would take a long time so I may post more details later, I just didn't want to give you all a super long, boring message to read. Anyway, I abused codeine and dihydrocodeine as an escape over the past year and a half or so, using heavily when things were bad or he wasn't here, then tapering off when he came back or treated me nicely. I use CWE on OTC products and dose around 500mg if I'm doing codeine and around 300mg if i'm doing dhc. It never used to be as much as that when I first started, of course. Anyway, the cat came flying out of the bag after I realised back in sept that he wasn't coming back, because I accidentally O.D'ed on paracetamol. I was doing my usual extraction and at the same time was on the phone to him asking him what was going on and why he said we could work things out and then just acted like he hadn't said it and went back to just picking up our daughter and behaving as if we'd said we'd break up for good. He just shouted that I was talking bizarre nonsense and I was shaking when I went to filter my cwe, so upset was I that I got impatient with it, squeezed my filters and ended up bursting them. God knows how much paracetamol made it through, but I was so desperate I drank it anyway. I had my daughter asleep in her room and I was home alone so after I dosed I panicked, and called a friend. He ended up calling my brothers and Mum and one of them called an ambulance. CPS were called, I wished I was dead. It was the worst day of my life. Luckily, I was fine and sent home that night to my daughter who was being looked after by family. CPS got in touch and said that it sounded like it was an isolated incident and they said they never had any other red flags about my daughter so they weren't going to send a social worker. Instead though, I have to see a health visitor and drugs counsellor every week. I hate them, they are awful, they patronize me and question my parenting. I'm a fantastic Mother. They have given me so much stress and have been so little help that I have just ended up lying to them and carried on using. Now I feel guilt and anxiety all the time, and depression. Will I get found out, will I ever be able to stop this, is my ex really done with me? How would you deal with it? These questions keep me in a dark place and I just didn't know where else to turn. Thank you for reading

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Okay first of all you are better off without your daughter's father if there is a history of abuse in your relationship. And what l gathered is CPS is having you see a drug counselor every week? Well l am surprised they haven't asked you to test. If the weekly sessions are to comply with CPS you should expect to be tested at any time.

 

[Mofie]

No, CPS aren't involved as such, they were referred to but they spoke to me and said that they weren't concerned enough to send anyone from their end of things, or from social services, they referred me to a health visitor. She is the one who has involved this other counsellor and neither of them have been understanding, helpful or even seem to know anything about drugs, mental health etc. The weekly visits have reduced to 2 weeks, as luckily I have had an opportunity to speak to my GP recently and it seems my doc has told them to back off a little. They are voluntary services, I don't have to see them but if I don't comply then they have told me that they WILL send another referral back to social services, to see if they want to do anything about it and then I will have a social worker who will have the right to make me test and search my property etc. The annoying thing is none of them are empathetic or actually helping me with anything, otherwise I would be listening to them.

 

[Ligaturd]

Well. It doesn't aound like they should be working around people with drug problems if they can't be empathetic. See if there is an addiction clinic or some sort of drug based counselling in your area, they will show you the empathy that you need and often will know a lot about codependance and abusive relationships. There are often womans based rehabs and drug addiction services that will have everything that you need for support in your time of need. Abusive relationships, especially with a child involved are really tough. You are probably torn between the abusive behavior and also loving him, wanting him to be there. But just maybe look at it like, he isn't good for you and doesn't want to be there for whatever reason and it is hurting you so maybe... Let it go? Maybe learn to accept it? You already know he is abusive but there are strong feelings there. It sounds like it will be torturous wanting him to change and for things to work out.

There are a lot of woman in my family who are constantly in and out of abusive relationships and it's tough to watch. They witnessed the same sort of thing when they were growing up and they learned that is what love is. People tend to accept the love they think they deserve. I could be totally wrong about this. I can say however there should be woman specific drug help that specialize in the problems that you are having and just aquiring the right sort of help will definitely be of great benefit for you. These people that are coming to see you, not having the knowledge or being able to empathize with what you are struggling with can make it really frustrating. You need so much more than they can offer you.

 

[herbavore]

^I agree with Ligaturd that finding support for women in abusive relationships is what you need to do. It will take courage to step out of the familiar. People put up with insane amounts of abuse because it is what they know and that becomes the only "safety" they can rely on. Here is a link to a woman that writes about abuse. Maybe you will find it helpful.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

I wish l would have checked back on this sooner. Hope you are doing okay. Don't tell these people anything and next time you deal with CPS don't agree to anything without contacting a lawyer or legal aid service. This is how they get their funding is by signing people up for "services" just make sure you don't disclose anything that can be used against you regarding drug use or past relationship issues. These people aren't helping you because they don't care to. They are trying to gather evidence against you so they can bully you into accepting more of their "help".