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Serious Advice on supporting someone (trigger warning)

stardust10

stardust10

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
1,604
I just heard from my male friend who I've been in contact with recently as he has nobody else and is currently living in homeless accomodation.
He actually got raped last night when he was extremely drunk and stuff, it's totally surreal to me and hasn't totally registered. It happened in the middle of the city but the police couldn't take a statement from him as he was too intoxicated and emotional last night but today he feels overwhelmingly ashamed to the point he can't bring himself to make a statement etc.
He was suicidal before and on a huge downward spiral... now I fear that I will lose him and I just want to support him through this...I just don't know how. I told him to phone the doctor and stuff but I don't even know if he will. I'm at a loss of what to say or do and am hoping someone on here may be able to offer some thoughts, advice or input etc.
I'm all he's got ATM since his family don't talk to him anymore and don't trust myself to be that person he can lean on emotionally and stuff. Thanks.
 
The only advice I can give is he absolutely needs to report it . Even drunk people don't deserve to be raped. I wish more men would set their shame aside ( women too ) and get it on the record. Even if the case never goes anywhere it gets documented. The reason domestic violence victims aren't believed ( when they finally admit years of abuse ) is because they never put it on the record. There is no evidence documenting any of it.

If it's not too late ( showered and stuff ) have him do a rape kit at the ER. It's free to victims. Even if he drops it ( or doesn't pursue it any further ) he has put ON THE RECORD what has transpired. It's all he can really do.

If he chooses to suffer in silence and not report it he can go to meetings with other rape victims and get some support. That's all he can really do. He's not alone, that's for sure. A boatload of sexual assaults go unreported as the victim feels culpable in some way ( drunk or they led the person on ) and of course that is BS. Nobody deserves to be raped. I don't care what the person was doing beforehand.
 
Thank you been in a lot of shock and angry etc so didn't even think of groups and stuff that's a good shout. The fucking police said today they were too busy. What the hell. Fuming. Appointment there tomorrow and I'm gonna go with him. I don't think he's up for the hospital tonight although I tried to get him to go. Thanks @Pumpkin2021 Tbh I posted this frantically and probably shouldn't have.
 
Zoetrope: said:
You sound like a really good friend. How are you holding up? The police said they were 'too busy'?! That is so messed up.
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I'm ok as can be thanks a lot. And I know they are useless fuckwits at the best of times.
Honestly a little bit of support here has helped me massively already not to feel as alone which will effectively help me be stronger for him, will let yous know 💛
 
How is he doing today? If there is anything I can do, even if it is just listening, please feel free to message me. Try to make sure you are kind to yourself. I am not surprised about the cops, but it is still shocking isn't it. The entire world has gone to shit.
 
Aw man I am sorry to hear about that.

I wish them the courage to report this vile crime. May they find healing in time regardless of if he can do that or not I don't know if I could. Hate to bring thoughts of violent retribution for a sexual attacker in this will go cool off I guess.

That is horrible.

Does the term pigs not fit the bill here? I don't know what I would do in the situation you seem to be handling it well for your friend at least they have you on their side
 
Zoetrope: said:
How is he doing today? If there is anything I can do, even if it is just listening, please feel free to message me. Try to make sure you are kind to yourself. I am not surprised about the cops, but it is still shocking isn't it. The entire world has gone to shit.
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Thank u. It is totally bonkers to me how they're apparently too busy especially in this case, my mind's blown tbh didn't think I could lose any more respect for the police but there you go. He hasn't got a phone and when I phoned the homeless shelter they said he isn't there ATM so all I can do is wait on a phonecall back. Meant to be meeting up at 11am tomorrow so hopefully he will get back to me.
When I spoke to him earlier he wasnt good so am a bit worried but there is nothing I can do just hope he phone's me back, if he hasn't by a couple of hours am gonna phone the place back. Problem is because of security and privacy they can't even tell me anything like if he's sleeping or out etc so they can just pass the message on to get him to phone me "if he is there"
 
iTry91 said:
Thank u. It is totally bonkers to me how they're apparently too busy especially in this case, my mind's blown tbh didn't think I could lose any more respect for the police but there you go. He hasn't got a phone and when I phoned the homeless shelter they said he isn't there ATM so all I can do is wait on a phonecall back. Meant to be meeting up at 11am tomorrow so hopefully he will get back to me.
When I spoke to him earlier he wasnt good so am a bit worried but there is nothing I can do just hope he phone's me back, if he hasn't by a couple of hours am gonna phone the place back. Problem is because of security and privacy they can't even tell me anything like if he's sleeping or out etc so they can just pass the message on to get him to phone me "if he is there"
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I hope you get hold of him soon. I know how hard it is when people you love are not communicating, you have no way of contacting them, and they are struggling. It is such a strain. Do you know anyone local to go and have a look for him? Have you told the shelter you are concerned about him, perhaps they will be nice and help you out? Im glad he has you as a friend. The police are worse than useless, but in this case it is best that he makes a report if he feels like he can. The monster who raped him needs to be stopped.
 
It is so worrying. One of the girls that works there and who helped him last night has been really helpful and bent the rules a couple of times it just depends who answers the phone. Good news is he just phoned me! He was sober enough to authorize the staff to give me info and stuff like that now which is good
Meeting him tomorrow around 11am, appointment at noon. And yes the beast definitely needs locking up I just hope they actually get them. I am so fucking angry I want to hurt them. I'll need to talk to my therapist about this man it's got me so angry.
 
He's away to get a medical examination etc with CID and he got the statement done although it wasn't easy. My heart breaks for him, I just hope it will be worth it and they get the bastard. The area should technically be heavily CCTV'd so hoping to fuck they get him/it.
I can sort of take comfort that I've done my part today, sort of, it wasn't easy but I done my best to be supportive and gave a statement as I had spoke to him after it happened where his memory was blurry as he used a stranger's phone to phone me, I was the one that had to phone the police. Its set off some deep-seeted stuff withing myself but it is what it is, think I've developed a thick skin, plus it's hard to feel sorry for myself just now (for once!) I'll use my distraction techniques though and watch mind numbing shit on TV untill he phone's me later.
Thank u everyone for concern and compassion again ❤️
 
iTry91 said:
He's away to get a medical examination etc with CID and he got the statement done although it wasn't easy. My heart breaks for him, I just hope it will be worth it and they get the bastard. The area should technically be heavily CCTV'd so hoping to fuck they get him/it.
I can sort of take comfort that I've done my part today, sort of, it wasn't easy but I done my best to be supportive and gave a statement as I had spoke to him after it happened where his memory was blurry as he used a stranger's phone to phone me, I was the one that had to phone the police. Its set off some deep-seeted stuff withing myself but it is what it is, think I've developed a thick skin, plus it's hard to feel sorry for myself just now (for once!) I'll use my distraction techniques though and watch mind numbing shit on TV untill he phone's me later.
Thank u everyone for concern and compassion again ❤️
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This is really good news and everyone should have a friend like you. I'm sorry it awakened your own demons.

Get TV on and know you did your best.

Here's to people that have others backs. Seems to me that's a nice Thanksgiving gift to yourself.
 
Be there for him but also remember to take care of your own mental health. Remind him often that he isn't alone and his feelings are warranted . Let him know he's safe with you if he's ever feeling uncomfortable or sad/scared.
I'm not a religious person but i kinda hope there is a hell for scum like him because our justice systems let them off way to easy and their victim is changed forever.
 
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