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Advice on how to support my boyfriend during his relapse

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PinkGiraffe

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Joined
Jun 9, 2014
Messages
4
Hi Bluelight TDS, I'm brand new to this website and forum.

My boyfriend has an addiction to amphetamines (mostly Adderall) and started trying to quit about a year and a half ago. Apparently it was pretty bad, but he luckily didn't suffer too many negative consequences (no arrests, no job losses, etc.). We have been together about 9 months and he had only been sober for 4 when we started dating, which I did not know at the time. He had been relapse free for nearly a year when he relapsed for the first time back in April. He got back on track but relapsed again badly this past weekend, though he tells me he has been using for a couple weeks but 'had it under control'. He was actively part of AA but has not been to meetings since before his first relapse.

Though I suspected it for a few days and he denied anything was up (I was away on vacation), he admitted this second relapse to me this morning. He promised to go to his standard AA meeting today and contact his sponsor about his slip, but now he's ignored all my messages all day again and his phone is off. I suspect he lied when he told me he had none left and had finished it the night before (this seemed too neat to me). I hate how I don't trust him but I know that I cannot about this.

I'm really at a loss about what the best approach is. We have a really wonderful and open relationship and I love him to death. We've talked about marriage and children and I want nothing but to spend the rest of my life with him. I worry that the longer this goes on the harder it will be for him, but I don't know what the best 'strategy' is. I don't want to push him too hard if he's not ready, I don't want to enable his addiction, and I don't want to take any drastic action (e.g. leaving him so he knows he needs to get back on track). I want to support him with what he's going through right now and help him start being sober again.

What has worked for you all? I think he's using right now, should I go over to his place and confront him or leave him be and let him come to me? He's been very clear that when he's high and relapsing he doesn't want me to see him that way, so I think on one hand it might help him realize he needs to take steps to help himself, but on the other I worry that it'll upset and depress him more and make him spiral further into using.

Thanks for any help with this...
 
I decided to go over there... he was home and skipped his AA meeting and didn't contact his sponsor, and didn't do any of his work or studying he had said he had to do today. He said he wasn't high and was just still affected by the drugs he took late last night (it's been nearly 18 hours). His pupils were huge and his hands were unusually ice cold. He said the pupils were from smoking weed to help him chill out, but his eyes weren't blood shot. He was acting weird and very unemotionally told me that while he said he wanted to hang out tonight this morning that he changed his mind and really just wanted to chill out by himself and go to sleep. I think he wants to be by himself so he can use more.

I'm really worried about him. Before he quit and went to AA he was even using meth a few times, because he couldn't take enough Adderall to get high anymore without damaging his heart.

Would it be inappropriate to contact his sponsor myself?
 
He is certainly lying to you, no doubt about it. He's in a cycle for sure. I have to think a little bit about advice. I did this with opiates and it was terrible on my wife, we're not together anymore. I'll try to think of what advice I can pull from that.
 
^Xorkoth is right

tbh op, I would leave him and let him come to you. You are willing to help him which is good and support him and I admire you for that but this is his own fight. No matter how much you support him and expect for him to quit if he is not ready he won't do it or be back on track. It took me quite some time to get over mine and even when my family and friends were advising me and told me how worried they were, I ignored them and at times got mad at them for interfering with my life. All you can do is to continue to be by his side if that is what you feel is the right thing to do but it won't be easy. Be there to remind him how much you love him and how much you want him to get help but make it a point not to always mention it or push him as he already knows that he has the addiction.
 
Using marijuana is called doping for a reason. It is not amphetamine but it is adding to the same sickness.

Tolerate him slipping up but remind him that relapse is going to make him miserable.

He is getting a brief pleasure from the hit but at the same time he is not getting what he can out of having you.

You are important to him but sticking around isn't going to get him to quit; that is an independent issue. You will stay because you want to take care of his silly ass and he makes you happy.

I believe in love but stay in control over the finances.
 
The best way to support someone you love in active addiction is to maintain honest communication, set very clear boundaries and take care of yourself first. That may sound selfish when you are faced with someone in obvious pain, but the line between supporting and enabling is a very shaky and sneaky one and it can be hard to tell the difference. Encourage but don't "walk on eggshells", express your love but don't try to fix, understand and remind yourself constantly that you are not in control, he is. It's a tough road and I wish you, and your boyfriend, the best outcome.
 
Hey PinkGiraffe and welcome to Bluelight.:)

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Dishonesty is really common in many active addicts. People often engage in it because they are ashamed and feal guilty that they are useing. They also lie in order to try and hide use and thus continue it.

Grass does not affect pupil size at all. This is certainly a lie. Also since his pupils were that large he was also lying to you and he was useing more recent than the night before.

One of the biggest obstacles in addiction is the addict being honest with himself. An addict can tell and belive all kinds of lies. These lies can justify use, rationalize use, downplay negative consequences, up play positive effects. Humans have a tendency to live in our little fantasy lands and addicts are absolutely amazing at doing this. When we get into recovery and find out how little people we fooled with our bulshit it kinda a shock sometimes.. I guess it allot easier to fool ourselves than it is to fool other people.. we just seem especially keen to swallow our own bullshit as gospel.

I would guess that once he comes down he will end up telling you the truth. When I was struggling in active addiction a woman I loved could confront me and ask if I was high and I would say no way most of the time.. even though sometimes I was so fucked up that I was undeniably clear, with out a sliver of a doubt that I was either useing or dying. I new without a doubt that she was absolutely certain from my stone emotionless face, inability to communicate, the buckets of sweat that poured down my face and soaked my clothes till it looked like I had just climbed out of a lake. But for some reason I would deny it. I think that this was worse for her than the fact that I had relapsed. There was no reason to do it at all and every reason not to, and I new that at the time I did it, but I still did it.

As far as what you can do to help him.. one thing you cant do is save him.. what i mean is thats up to him and him alone. When he is sober again I would sit down and have a talk.. just a loving talk with no judgment.. this may not be possible because so many addicts feal they are being judged by everyone at all times even if they aren't.. its because they desire the approval of others so significantly as active addicts value what others think over what they do.. and as much compassion as you can. I would let him know that you love him and respect him. I would also do some research on addiction like you are doing so you can also tell him that you are trying to understand and realize that this is a very real and complex struggle. I would also consider saying that you are there to support him in his battle, but you realize that its his struggle. Consider telling him that addiction is a very hard thing to deal with, that there is no shame or guilt that he needs to feal . Let him know that you understand that dishonesty is a common symptom of active addiction, but he does not need to lie to you ever. That you will suport him and never judge him as long as he is putting in the true effort it will require to deal with this.

Buy support I mean you will be there is he needs suport.. not that you will start making him go to meetings and check and see if he's calling his sponsor or constantly look for signs of use.. thats not support, thats addict babysitting and it never ever ever works. This is his fight to fight.. if he continues to choose not to fight it then I would seriously consider leaving him.. we addicts don't just magically get better.. it takes effort and change. So if he isn't actively seeking recovery he wont create it.

Since you are not an addict I will try and give you a good example that you may be able to relate to so you may better understand it. Addiction is the almost irresistible drive to use the DOC(s). It happens because of dopamine. Dopamine is a main neurotransmitter in the reward pathway in the brain. We are driven by this and the limbic system to do many things required to sustain and promote life on a personal and species level. When we accomplish what we are driven to do we receive dopamine. Addictive drugs manipulate the dopamine rewards pathway. An addict has had the use of the drug reprogrammed into the brain as something necessary for life and it has been given its own drive.

Some common natural drives are hunger the drive for food, thirst the drive to drink water, hornyness or sex drive, love the drive to be with someone.

If you have ever not eaten for a day or so and then walked by a restaurant at dinner time, with the smell of food wafting out you can start to appreciate how strong this system can be.

Also imagine you were on a ship that sank in the ocean.. you got into a life boat and were adrift on the ocean.. lets say there was no fresh water.. lets also say that you would never be found in time, but you wouldn't know this.. you would become more and more thirsty.. you would begin to have "memories" of cold drinks and lakes of cold clear water, they would be so real you cold almost taste the water.. The thoughts would absolutely consume you it would become all you could think about. You already know that drinking sea water is not an option as it would provide no relief and cause even more harm.. the system the same on that drives addiction is so powerful that it would keep after you with all its weapons, the craving, the fantasizing, the dry mouth, etc, until it breaks you.. I guarantee in the end you would end up gulping down the very salt water, you know without a doubt will do nothing at all positive.

Drug addiction is more akin with the sex drive.. so another way to try and grasp untreated addiction is to not allow yourself and form of sexaul satifaction for a long period of time. You will likely get a good glimpse of what addicts struggle with.

Here is some good information on addiction and there is also a fellowship for people who have loved ones who are addicts its called al anon and there is a link in this thread Twelve-Step Addiction Recovery Support Groups

Learn to Cope-- INFO

Addiction Guide

The Brain and Addiction

Here is also a great thread Support For Those Affected by the Addiction of Others

Hope this helps and i hope your guy is able to wander on outa the woods:)
 
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You are right NSA. I think it is like sex because doing it once makes you want more; with occasional breaks. He will regain control but right now might be the one time stopping could hurt progress; that can be hard to grapple with.
 
Thank you everyone for your responses and advice. It's very helpful and much appreciated.

He wants to talk today but I don't know what to say to him... I'm worried about saying the wrong thing. I guess that is what you mean about 'being on eggshells'. He's worried about what I think of him now and that I think he's not capable of giving me what I need and taking care of me. Honestly I don't know what to say to this. I can tell that if he doesn't get help for his addiction that it's going to keep happening. I wonder if he ever even got 'back on track' after his first relapse or if he's been using ever since.

I might not be an 'addict' but I'm not a stranger to drug abuse. Years ago when I was in college I used casually until I had an unrelated traumatic experience and my use skyrocketed and I was using nearly everyday for months and going on 48+ hour benders. I had to drop out of school for a year and did some intense therapy and work for a couple years getting my life back together. But quitting drugs was never the issue, I did that cold turkey once I acknowledged the issue and never experienced intense cravings. My use was definitely a symptom of my denial and avoidance of the trauma I experienced and not a result of addiction. I don't know how I didn't get addicted, maybe it was that my DOC doesn't seem to have a high potential for addiction (mephedrone, fiendish when you're on it but maybe not a lasting dependence) or maybe it's just something about other factors at the time... Regardless I'm definitely not judgmental of his struggles, I just want him to acknowledge that he needs help and needs his AA support network again. But I guess that's something he needs to do on his own.

Anyway, thanks again for all your support and input, I have no one to talk to about this, and it helps just to know that I'm not crazy or imagining things.
 
Let him know that the most important thing to you is not to be lied to. I do think it is positive that he wants to talk.
 
Sorry I incorrectly assumed.. o well someone who reads it will hopefully get something out of it. Sounds to me like you have a decent taste of a struggle with a drug.

I would just keep the talk relaxed and cool.. just two intelligent lovers sitting down and calmly hashing out a situation. Just maybe think of a way to put him at ease in the begining. Then just calmly try and explore what the proper next moves should be.. one that should be possibly explored is what adjustments he plans on makeing to his recovery plan so that he increases his quality of life and his chances of success.

If an addict is actively seeking and promoting recovery and they relapse.. its nothing to be ashamed of.. its just a lesson learned. So he should throw all the guilt and shame he may have out the window.. it does absolutely no good, makes us miserable, and drives use. So he needs to just let it go, dust himself off, get back up and moving forward, and make the adjustments to his plan to try and fix what slipped him up. This is a process and slips and little relapses are part of it. He just needs to make sure he learns from the past so he doesn't get stuck reliving it over and over.


If he puts his recovery as the number one priority in his life for two years and continues to develop and adjust his strategy then he should be able to do this.


You may think about showing him this thread if it ever seems appropriate.. there is allot of support and wisdom and allot of people doing really well with their addictions so possibly BL could become part of his recovery at some point.
 
neversickanymore said:
I would guess that once he comes down he will end up telling you the truth. When I was struggling in active addiction a woman I loved could confront me and ask if I was high and I would say no way most of the time.. even though sometimes I was so fucked up that I was undeniably clear, with out a sliver of a doubt that I was either useing or dying. I new without a doubt that she was absolutely certain from my stone emotionless face, inability to communicate, the buckets of sweat that poured down my face and soaked my clothes till it looked like I had just climbed out of a lake. But for some reason I would deny it. I think that this was worse for her than the fact that I had relapsed. There was no reason to do it at all and every reason not to, and I new that at the time I did it, but I still did it.
Click to expand...

The worst part for my wife (ex but not divorced yet) was exactly that, the denying. She knew I was lying but I did it anyway. The reasons for this are still not 100% clear to me, I was ashamed of myself, yes, but it was more than that. This went on for many years, at first I fooled her (it was opiates for me, which are easier to hide) but over time I didn't anymore. And I still lied, every day. Eventually she couldn't believe a single word I told her, ever, about anything, because of the amount of lying, and about how good I was at it too. She felt like she didn't even know me anymore and that our entire relationship of 12 years was a lie. It led to her falling out of love with me, which was intensely painful for me but it still didn't get me to quit, nor did her warnings that it was going to happen soon if I kept it up. When she finally moved out (7 months after she left me), I was still using, it took me months and a very powerful event for me to finally get over it. In retrospect it was much easier for me to quit when she left because I was unwilling to accept that we were not going to work, regardless of drugs, until she left and I had no choice but to accept it. And from then on my life really got a lot better.

I'm not saying this is the case with your relationship by the way, just trying to relate my experience. Being an addict is crazy, you're basically insane, your brain is rewired to only find solace and pleasure if your drug, the power of your own mind to rationalize drug use is immense. It's very difficult to deal with an addict, and the road before you is likely to be hard if you stay with him. But it might be worth it. My ex tried everything with me and ultimately I had to be ready to stop masking my pain and just face my life, for me. In my case that required a break-up because the relationship was causing the majority of my pain.
 
I think everyone is making a lot of assumptions here. We don't know this guy. Yeah, some addicts do lie because they're ashamed of themselves, so being supportive and whatnot could help...on the other hand, I know I was one of the many who lied simply because I didn't give a shit and wanted people to get the hell away from me and not hassle me; I just wanted people to leave me alone so I could get high in peace.

I could go on about the assumptions that are being made here, but my main point is that addiction is a ridiculously complicated thing, and the habits that go along with it happen for different reasons. If every addict's mind operated in exactly the same way and they all did all the same stuff for the same reasons addiction wouldn't be such an insanely difficult issue to treat. Thus, ultimately I think this is probably a poor venue to seek advice in; people here can offer some small degree of guidance, but in the end you know this guy, and none of us do. Therefore, I'd probably trust your gut on the specifics. Actually, what would REALLY be best would be to see a counselor/therapist, since not only do they know the situation, but they're also trained professionals...although I also recognize that that would require a lot of cooperation on your boyfriends part that he sounds like he probably wouldn't be willing to put forward.

The only certainties here are that he's lying to you (even about things you might not even expect. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if, if he says he's been off the wagon for a few weeks, if in fact he's been at it longer and harder than he'd ever admit. I'd also say chances are you're right and he's been at this continuously, not off and on; that tends to be how relapse works), and chances are he needs some kind of more intensive treatment than whatever is going on now. Also, in the end your part in this really should be limited to a support role. Chances are you'll probably feel the desire to be more active than that, but that's not really yours or anyone else's part.
And of course, as was already mentioned, if it becomes clear that he's in a place where this isn't just going to be one of those things where he's going to get cleaned up any time soon and go on his way, sometimes you just have to cut your losses. I'm using all the restraint I can muster not to go off on a somewhat unrelated rant, since this is kind of a pet peeve of mine what with the state of marriage and the absurdly high rate of divorce these days, but you guys have been together for 9 months; I know it may seem to you right now like you're super invested in each other and whatnot, as that's usually how it seems when you're in the midst of infatuation, but in the long run it takes years upon years to really know someone inside and out, so maybe the truth is that, as I kinda indicated up top, maybe the guy just doesn't care as much as you think he does. Maybe his addiction is more important to him than you are. That's a really ugly idea, but it's one that's important to consider. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way suggesting he wouldn't care AT ALL about you; every addict wishes they could have everything in life AND their DOC. The question that it all really comes down to though is what's MORE important to him and which he's willing to give up first, and again, that's something important to figure out.

Also, please don't think I'm saying this just to be contrary or act like a dickwad or w/e. I'm bringing up the pessimistic side of this because the posts thus far have been a little overly flower-and-rainbows. Heck, who knows, maybe he does really care a whole lot and really really wants to get clean and can get his act together and go on his way and have a great, normal life, and he really is only lying because he seriously cares that much and is ashamed of what those around him think, and if so that would be awesome. I sincerely hope that's the case...but unfortunately addiction often doesn't work like that, and if he's more like I suggested above his recovery is going to have to be largely intrinsically motivated and there would be absolutely no way to tell how long it would take for him to get over the issue entirely. But that's all what I mean about not knowing this guy. If I personally knew him I could say with far, far more certainty how much he cares and how much concern you should be investing in his recovery, but a small blurb about this guy (or even a really big one) wouldn't be anywhere near enough for us to make the sort of judgement calls you're asking us to make with any sort of accurancy.
 
Hi Uber_Penguin,

Thanks for your message and I think you make a lot of great points. This forum I'm sure does tend to be overly optimistic, as it seems to be a support thread for addiction and optimism is probably a requirement for recovery at some point.

It's true that I've only known this guy for 9 months, and you all don't know him at all. We have never had any intention of getting married or having children without taking the time to get to know each other better, but this relationship and this guy are very important to me at the same time. I can imagine it's difficult to give advice about this specific guy not knowing him, but I have no one else to ask. He's, not surprisingly, very closed mouth about his addiction. His family doesn't know and his friends don't know, outside of his two best friends, neither of whom live in our city, and one of his friends who is a oxy-addict that I've never met. Given his sensitivities around it I can't, at least at this point, betray his trust and blab to my friends about it.

He admitted to lying about being high on amphetamines the other night, and to having more than just those two slip ups in the past couple months. I'd like to think he cares and lies because his addiction really is something he's ashamed about, and he's indicated such. He did put in a ton of effort to get clean a year ago, going to AA meetings everyday and building a solid network of support and friends there. His chips are really important and personal to him. He's talked about how much better his life is without the drugs. So at this point, knowing him as I do in the limited time we've been together, I don't want to bail.

I think that if some time goes by and he doesn't take steps to get back into recovery mode, that I might have to reevaluate how much he wants it and wants me over his addiction. To be honest, this whole experience is making me take a look at our whole relationship more closely, outside of whatever it is we feel for each other. It's made me wonder whether his devotion to us is 'real' or a result of him trying to find something to hold on to. As Xorkorth points out, it's made me wonder how much he lies about this and about other things too. Ultimately I'll have to figure all that out for myself. Right now I'm just looking for advice about how to handle it acutely, rather than whether I should cut my losses or not, which I think I've largely gotten: support him by being there, but don't try to fix him or his problems, because I basically can't... I wish it was something more clear cut or easier than that. I'm sure everyone does.

Again, thank you all for your messages, whether optimistic or not, I appreciate this support.
 
I think it's awesome you want to be apart of his recovery and you're not enabling him. One of the best ways to get involved is to become a member of a support group. Find something that helps the family's of users, it may explain to you what to look for so he can get called out on his BS before he relapses. As a supposed addict myself, I find it hard to admit to relapse triggers because then I know someone will end up stopping me from using (obviously). So I tend to keep a lot of it to myself and it becomes very lonely.

You can also start a new hobby that would include him. Maybe a fun exercise (hiking, rafting etc) - something that will take his mind away from drugs and keep him away maybe a couple days at a time so he can open up more naturally. It's usually best when you get away and see that your mind is coming back to a more fluid state with someone you love. That's just my 2cents, and I hope he stays clean. Just keep supporting him and understand the road you're becoming apart of can be a long one, but stick through it and the rewards and great for both parties.

-dp
 
Just because I don't think it has been covered, yes it would be absolutely inappropriate for you to contact his sponsor.

Good luck.:)
 
For the same reason it would be inappropriate to phone any other random person from his phonebook and talk to them about the situation. If he wants to speak to his sponsor, he'll speak to his sponsor.
 
Having a problem with drugs doesn't mean that all and sundry are entitled to spread your own private business around. He remains a sentient being who makes his own choices, and is entitled to do so.

A drug addiction doesn't mean people suddenly have a right to start going through your life and dictating to you.

I don't know how to make it any clearer than that.
 
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