Advice - MDPV - my life

[headlight]

Hi,
Sorry for the long post, but I am hoping for advice.

For the past year or so I have been taking RC's - mainly stimulants. I've been through hellish withdrawls from IVing methylone/mephedrone daily for weeks then stopping abruptly, but about 2 months ago discovered MDPV. My use of it has caused so much heartache, but has also HELPED (as opposed to caused) me to achieve a state which I cannot describe, but seems to be of such significance that I CAN'T let it go.

The events in my recent past have been the most dramatic and heartwrenching of my life, and this has had a major effect on my current state of mind/body (as has MDPV - always IV and I don't dose lightly).

I took a break of a week, and the second I had access, immediately went on another week long use of MDPV. It has caused significant personal problems for me and my step-mother who I love more than anything, due to a type of psychosis/schizophrenic state which it has exacerbated. At the same time I feel like it offers me an incredibly powerful reason for being right now, and for personal growth. The thought of not having it again is honestly terrible to me.

I had been off MDPV for another week until I dug through a garbage container to find a few cottons to chew on while very drunk last night.

I am currently in a position where I am supposed to go to Europe for weeks with my step-mother, but I feel like I can't face the trip, as selfish as that is, and I NEED to stay here and finish what I started with MDPV (which she dreads). Doing it again will also likely involve moving out, finding a job, etc. and I am in a state now where I have trouble getting out of bed.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

Thanks for reading

 

[Mr Sosa]

Darkside?

and what exactly are you finishing with the peevee?

sounds like it's doing alot of damage brah; maybe this trip to Europe is what you need!

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I would go on the trip to Europe.

Consider yourself lucky to get out of the United States, and away from MDPV.

This could be triggering for people over in TDS; let me figure out what's the best thing to do with this thread.

 

[rickolasnice]

You are addicted to MDPV.

You are not learning or gaining anything from it.. it is causing psychosis and sounds like its seriously messing up your life.

Leave it alone.

Don't do anymore.

Go on the trip.

 

[Dedbeet]

The talk about it is all ultimately noise.

You'll know if you're going to stop by the fact that you feel ready to stop and then STOP. You'll know you aren't, by the fact that you don't feel ready to stop, and keep on buying it.

If you don't WANT to stop and don't feel ready to quit using it, there isn't a damn thing you can do... d'oh! Just simply be honest with yourself.

P.S. consider the possibility that you don't need a reason for being... you can *just be*. That is not such a terrible thing. Maybe there's something false about "personal growth" if there has to be an artificial reason for it. That's what the enlightened sages all say.

The MDPV is a side issue, as crucial as it may appear. Get some clarity on "my life, and how I look at it".

Peace...

 

[headlight]

Hi,
Thanks for the advice - I know going on the trip sounds like the rational thing to do, but I am afraid of spending weeks being lethargic, wanting MDPV, and wasting my enjoyment of the trip (an opportunity that likely won't come again).
Though I do my best to not let the way I'm feeling effect others, It's not easy or always effective.

MDPV (combined with other factors, as far as I can work out) did send me into a state of total paranoia and delusion, that didn't stop when the MDPV did.
It is primarily this that I have learned from, and the more I think and am introspective about it, the more I know myself and come to terms with / lessen the voices I hear.

It's not an easy drug to enjoy or keep it together on by any means (for me at least) but when I get there and get it right there is something too powerful and perfect for me to ignore. I suppose I feel like I have unfinished business with it.

Dedbeet: The fact is that I don't feel ready or really want to stop, but don't know what to do - I feel like I'm just stringing myself and others along by not taking it (and feeling pretty shit in the meantime).

How can something so easily and potentially dysphoric and destructive be so addictive? I lost most interest in taking any other drugs with the exception of alcohol when on MDPV.

My problem is essentially that two major factors in my life right now are to not upset the people that I love, and the need for MDPV. I can't figure out how to negotiate both.

 

[rickolasnice]

Choose the people you love over your selfish, compulsive drug use..

You can carry on with MDPV.. and have your life hit rock bottom.

Of you can give up with MDPV and start working on what is actually good for you / sorting your life out.

 

[Dedbeet]

Dedbeet: The fact is that I don't feel ready or really want to stop, but don't know what to do - I feel like I'm just stringing myself and others along by not taking it (and feeling pretty shit in the meantime).

How can something so easily and potentially dysphoric and destructive be so addictive?

One word, dopamine (brain chemistry).

My problem is essentially that two major factors in my life right now are to not upset the people that I love, and the need for MDPV. I can't figure out how to negotiate both.

I can only tell you my own solution -- I kind of don't tell people what's going on with me (i.e. what they don't know won't hurt them). If that isn't possible, it would make sense to quit, I think. Either don't involve the people you love in what you're doing to yourself, or stop doing it to yourself.

Peace...

 

[headlight]

In many ways MDPV helped me be more functional. I'd get up early (assuming I slept) - shower, clean up and be helpful, and be energetic and happy. But that is when it was working well. I've always seemed to go over the top (that is a different animal). Without it I tend towards drinking a lot, taking lots of benzos (prescribed), sleeping too much, not taking care of myself, etc. and sinking into depression.

I was considering trying to prescribe ritalin or dexedrine or something of the sort. Might this help? I don't know if I will be able to considering I am prescribed the benzos for anxiety and a sleep disorder - or if I should mention MDPV and the ways in which it helped me. I've got Wellbutrin, but that doesn't appeal to me (and ruins my cigarettes .

RE: Dopamine - I was under the impression that dopamine had to do with the reward system in the brain. Wouldn't the reward system feel rewarding by definition?

 

[rickolasnice]

^ That's why you keep wanting more.. dopamine agonists = more more more..

Your way of thinking is so .. frustrating.

Yes MDPV will make you want to get things done, put you in a good mood, let you get out of bed early, etc.. but how long does that last? Your gonna end up not doing anything, being depressed and not being able to get out of bed.. wether you are on the drug or not.. You can't use MDPV to function.. it just doesn't work like that.. you will end up a depressed addict with no friends or family living on the street thinking everybody knows what your thinking and are out to harm you..

Do yourself a favour and sort it out.

 

[headlight]

Do you think ritalin/dexedrine would work better long term?

I suppose the sheer power and 'sharp' feeling of the stuff is what appeals to me more than any of the other RC stims I've come across, but I realize that it's not a long term solution. It's funny that you mentioned 'thinking everybody knows what you're thinking and are out to harm you'. I've just been playing around with the voices in my head trying to convince me that very similar things are so, but I realize that they are my own mental projections. I'm glad that I'm inclined to learn from these experiences rather than let them drive me mad now. It's probably a good thing I don't have any MDPV around. I'm finding this thread very helpful - Thanks

 

[rickolasnice]

^ Yeah it's not long before you lose that small grip on reality and can no longer tell yourself that they are your own mental projections. Trust me.. i've been there.

Why do you feel you need a stimulant? Sure.. i'd love to be on a stimulant every day all day without negative affects but it isn't gonna happen / wouldn't turn out too well.

Try eating healthy, exercising regulary and laying off the drugs for a while.. will do wonders for your confidence / motivation.

 

[headlight]

rickolasnice - I've been there quite a few times myself. Something akin to stimulant psychosis for long periods of time from these RC's. I don't know if it would be the same if I go there again, but getting myself back into consensus reality, and understanding the delusions/projections is quite an experience. I don't know how much was caused by the stimulants alone, as I think that I am somewhat prone to this type of thing, and events in life may play a role aswell. BTW I haven't been on it in over a week, unless you consider a few pieces of cotton in the cheek a relapse.

Dedbeet - I meant more that the effects when taken in large amounts, at least, were not super rewarding, there were sometimes very unpleasant. As far as empty rewards go, there were certainly times when I felt it was worthwhile, though it may have been a type of mania and excitable euphoria rather than a conventional feeling of happiness.
I am told that I never looked happy on it when it started to go bad - Crazed, and 'not there' are terms that have been used to describe the way I looked.

On a side note, would any psychedelics possibly help me now?

 

[Cane2theLeft]

I do think this would be better in The Dark Side so let's try it over there.

TDS Staff - I didn't see anything that really stuck out to me as requiring editing for triggering content so if you disagree please PM me and let me know what so I can know for the future



OD>>>>TDS

 

[headlight]

Pot doesn't do much for me but I'm a bit nervous about getting some psych's with a only a .01 accurate scale. I shot 5 meo dalt a couple of times recently (had to be mixed with either acetic or ascorbic acid, can't remember) without much interest and with much chest discomfort, I tried eating it on the comedown of MDPV after a week on it and had bizarre audio distortions (like sine waves sliding up and down in frequency in a seemingly random way) and again, significant chest discomfort. Only had 250mg in total so I can't give accurate dosages, but it's gone.

Also, it may be incidental, but the only times in my life (aside from when mixing booze with benzos, but not as badly as with MDPV comedowns) when I have been self destructive has been on week-or-more long MDPV comedowns.

I'm going to see about getting prescription stimulants from my GP.

 

[headlight]

GP was totally against prescribing anything aside from an SSRI or an antipsychotic.
Kind of went the other way last night - not recommended at all to anyone who isn't me - repeating my experience could lead others into all kinds of trouble. I have a significant tolerance to the two non-psychedelics listed.
Consumed 6 30 mg temaz last night, and 1 this morning, drank about half a fifth of rum with the former, and just about finished it off in the middle of the night. After taking temaz and having some drinks, repeated amounts of unweighed 2ce were snorted - resulting in a fuckload of 2ce being snorted. I don't have previous experience with the substance, but was very impressed, despite what felt like quite significant vasoconstriction (which is primarily why I started chugging rum again). A high frequency tremor captured my body, and senses were altered significantly. Spent pretty much the whole time lying in bed - would like to try in the daytime.
Just ate a sandwich and am drinking a cup of tea with about 6 spoons of sugar in it. Bit of a headache. Good experience - somehow managed to sleep through some of it. Ego death or at least serious ego confusion was experienced at times, though did not feel distressed by it.
Glad I chose this experience over filling an SSRI script.
Hmm. What now.

 

[leiphos]

Some of this may be irrelevant; I read the whole thread, but understand circumstances may have changed...

I am currently in a position where I am supposed to go to Europe for weeks with my step-mother, but I feel like I can't face the trip, as selfish as that is, and I NEED to stay here and finish what I started with MDPV (which she dreads). Doing it again will also likely involve moving out, finding a job, etc. and I am in a state now where I have trouble getting out of bed.

I suppose I feel like I have unfinished business with it.

What is it you feel you need to finish? And if you must finish it, is a hiatus too much to bear - you can always resume your usage after your family vacation - no?

not an easy drug to enjoy...but when I get there and get it right there is something too powerful and perfect

Sounds dreary - either unenjoyable, or too much... I know what you mean though, being a PV fiend myself.

The fact is that I don't feel ready or really want to stop, but don't know what to do

Why not go on a trip - on that very trip you mentioned - and take it as tolerance break? Some perspective away, and some much better highs back home.

My problem is essentially that two major factors in my life right now are to not upset the people that I love, and the need for MDPV. I can't figure out how to negotiate both.

If you haven't seen or interacted with your family enough during your period of your use, now is the time it sounds like. After that, you can easily return to MDPV and all it's needles and smoke plumes - and in the drug's absence, since it's a stimulant, you won't even have to worry about withdrawals. And - best of all - you'll return with zero tolerance :D Seems like everybody wins if you go.

God forbid you can't even function there without it - well, Europe's loaded with coffee. And cigarettes

I lost most interest in taking any other drugs with the exception of alcohol when on MDPV.

Europe, land of the booze.

Also...
Somebody called your use of MDPV "selfish," but I disagree. It's only selfish if you abandon your loved ones for it. But postponing it briefly for those loved ones, and then returning - if you so desire at that point - isn't selfish at all. It's called time and resource management. In fact, you are alowing them to enjoy you, and you to enjoy yourself. Just unfortunately, it can't happen all at once. But it can happen.

In many ways MDPV helped me be more functional. I'd get up early (assuming I slept) - shower, clean up and be helpful, and be energetic and happy. But that is when it was working well. I've always seemed to go over the top (that is a different animal). Without it I tend towards drinking a lot, taking lots of benzos (prescribed), sleeping too much, not taking care of myself, etc. and sinking into depression.

I was considering trying to prescribe ritalin or dexedrine or something of the sort. Might this help? I don't know if I will be able to considering I am prescribed the benzos for anxiety and a sleep disorder - or if I should mention MDPV and the ways in which it helped me. I've got Wellbutrin, but that doesn't appeal to me (and ruins my cigarettes .

This is very much me - or was, until I stopped using MDPV two weeks ago - simply because I aquired Kratom, which gave me all the satisfaction, motivation and well-being I needed without horrendous crashes and the awake-for-days-asleep-forever cycle (with it's irrefusable vape-pipes and syringes). For whatever reason, though, I started again today, and already remember perfectly the energy and motivation it gives. But it's not too different, to be honest, from a proper dose of Focalin XR or Adderall XR, just more prone to binges and body-damanging ROAs. Wellbutrin, on the other hand, might not be as effective unless you think you're depressed. It's a psychostimulant, but in practice this only really means it's an uplifting antidepressant which may (though often doesn't) help people who also have ADD focus a bit better. It is not even comporable to amphetamine-style pharms like Adderall, Focalin, Ritalin, Provigil and their relatives.

The alcohol thing is a problem for me too (cigararettes, forget it), as are prescribed benzos (for the same exact two reasons as you, no less). I think the sedatives, togther or individually, mask the negative effects of MDPV - and vice-versa

GP was totally against prescribing anything aside from an SSRI or an antipsychotic.

Try another doctor? (If possible)? Or settle for old-fashioned caffiene, and new-fashion ephedra...? You should suggest Provigil to the GP perhaps, though, as it is not addictive or habit forming, and is often used to counterbalance the sedation caused by antipsychotics.

Also, you should be seeing a psychiatrist or psychopharm, not a GP, when it comes to matters like this.

Consumed 6 30 mg temaz last night, and 1 this morning, drank about half a fifth of rum with the former, and just about finished it off in the middle of the night. After taking temaz and having some drinks, repeated amounts of unweighed 2ce were snorted - resulting in a fuckload of 2ce being snorted. I don't have previous experience with the substance

This is alcohol's dark side - if there is a light one at all. I relapsed on MDPV while drinking, the most recent drunken relapse in a series of oh so many. And likewise tried overpowering psychedelics drunk, fucked underwhelming girls drunk, said unwarranted things drunk, and even sliced open my arms drunk over a girl I wrongly lost while drunk.

Just ate a sandwich and am drinking a cup of tea

Good call. And f.y.i., those SSRI's won't work too well if you're binging on recreational drugs, no matter the details. At least, this is my experience.

 

[fifleman]

Headlight-

After reading through your posts, you're simply denying the severity of what's going on. Your mind is centered and obsessed with the drug and closes everything else out: when you have the drug, hell yeah, everything is great. Life flows. Man, I'm happy, I'm getting things done, what's wrong with doing it? However, when you don't have the drug? Your mind/ego runs like a frantic deer being chased through the woods by a hunter. One more problem for the deer? No place to hide. It can run all it wants to, but eventually the hunter will catch up.

How does this relate to you? You're uncomfortable being in your own skin. You cannot live in the moment. You are running from what has happened in your past and wanting the future to be better, maybe constantly telling yourself everything will be better "when" this happens or "when" I am here or there. When you exist in the moment, there is no mind craving. Your mind is shut off and here with you, right now.

Your mind is twisting the rest of your body into believing you need a foreign, toxic substance to live. Your mind manipulates you every day into not seeing the truth. It wants you to only see how to get high, where to get it, and how to keep that lifestyle alive. The longer you promote it, the further you will mentally decay. Mental decay leads to emotional and physical deterioration. Years later, you will be full blown insane, back and forth from a drug-induced state to an unhappy sober existence. Your mind will be so out of tilt with your body and soul that you will want it to cease: you will call for suicide. Eventually, the insanity and mental agony shine through any high. You cannot run any longer. The hunter has caught up and you are about to spiritually die.

Spiritual death includes the death of your core beliefs, your love, empathy, compassion, the fundamental knowledge of being one with the universe.

If you sat there and said this will not happen to me or I will not let this happen to me, you are not seeing the truth. The truth is right in front of you and in every reply to your post. Your mind is so obsessed and addicted to escaping with drugs/alcohol that it's scary man. Absolutely scary.

Speaking from the heart, you need to take initiative to get help. Rehab, meetings, influentially good people, cold turkey, any path of sobriety. You need to drastically change your path in life.

Headlight, I want you to know man you are worth it. Everyone is, but their own mind leads them to believe otherwise. Over the years and especially with drug use, the mind takes over the body and dictates its' emotions and reactions. Insanity. You do not want this and you're already on your way. It's truly sad man.

It's not you wanting to continue the drugs: it's the falsely-created you. Your ego is telling you that great experiences come through drugs and that's who you are. It's snuffing out your Being, your true existence, your core and your soul. Now is the chance to wipe away the false and be true to yourself.

Much

 

[headlight]

Thanks leiphos, that is a lot of very useful information. We seem to share a lot in common (I'm not going to take the SSRIs btw). Last night I ended up taking 6-8mg clonazepam and drinking aforementioned amounts (stupid) then taking what must have been a large dose of iprocin, though unweighed, in several stages. How much do you think the booze and benzos really effect the experience? I certainly still experience effects, in fact I remember trying to ignore flashing and shifting shapes while reading your post last night. the 2-4 hour experience still has the ceiling doing somewhat peculiar things a fair bit after that.
Caffeine doens't work well for me anymore btw. I'll definitely look into kratom, thanks for the advice.

The trip has been postponed - however I haven't touch MDPV in exactly 2 weeks I believe. It still seems alluring. I tend to idealize or remember it as something pure somehow.

fifleman - I very much appreciate the advice. It doesn't feel so much, however, like I'm "not living in the present and telling myself things will be OK whenever" so much as it feels like the present moment is present and I would quite like it to change in some ways. Rehab/Meetings/and so on are such a turn off to my personality that I won't/haven't been able to accept them.

quote: "Your ego is telling you that great experiences come through drugs and that's who you are."

I am a good person who is gentle-natured, and am just trying to feel better/different/alternately more or less alive through the use of these things. That's not to say they've always worked as intended, of couse.

 

[Spooky Snacks]

leiphos your a complete fag