Advice for dealing with drug-induced behavior resulting in shame?

[sigmond]

I'm curious how people deal with shame from humiliating experiences caused by drugs?

I have been using a variety of different drugs for over 20 years and 97% of the time I don't act too abnormal but there has been a few occasions when I have exhibited some extremely odd behavior which sometimes has left me deeply ashamed and even traumatized. To be more specific, some of the behaviors are rather innocent but more and more embarrassing the older I get. For instance; loud discordant and obnoxious singing, screaming fits, vomiting, dancing at inappropriate times in inappropriate places; basically cringe-worthy stuff. Some I have limited recollection of and I think are caused by near overdoses or perhaps extreme panic attacks.

Considering people rob, rape, steal, murder and do a ton of far more harmful things on a daily basis, I feel as though I really shouldn't feel much remorse. However, my body and mind doesn't always agree. I am constantly bombarded by memories, some from 20 years ago, that ignite feelings of anxiety and depression each time they resurface.

Anyway, how do I process this stuff?

Any ideas, input, or assistance is appreciated.

Thanks

*Edit

(Adding journal article describing various symptoms that were observed during fentanyl overdoses)

Secondly, illicit drug overdoses were presenting in unfamiliar ways. While opioid overdoses typically feature pinpoint pupils, respiratory depression, and unconsciousness [4], Insite nurses and staff observed atypical overdose presentations including muscle rigidity, particularly stiff posturing, chest wall and jaw rigidity, dyskinesia, low or irregular heart rate, confusion or delirium, and anisocoria or unequal pupils.
Dyskinesia reflected a spectrum of involuntary muscle movements ranging from myoclonic jerks and twitches to more severe cases of chorea including uncontrollable flailing of limbs, and rolling around on the floor. Some of these atypical overdose features presented without other typical opioid overdose characteristics, which caused a delay for staff to recognize these events as opioid overdoses.

An example was a client who presented with dyskinesia and distress, yelling “I don’t understand what is happening to me”. The client was alert, responsive, and not exhibiting other typical features of opioid overdose. Another example was a client who presented first by slamming his arms onto the table while making incoherent sounds then collapsing onto the floor and beginning to flail. Continued dyskinesia, incoherent vocalizations, and an inability to respond to staff direction was interspersed with brief periods of lucidity when the client apologized for his actions with clear speech.

In another example of dyskinesia, the client was described as rolling around on the floor with limbs flailing, yelling, and crying incomprehensibly and becoming increasingly sweaty.

Atypical overdose presentations observed at a supervised injection site, Vancouver, Canada

 

[Jabberwocky]

I had lots of shame issues (not exactly drug related) but therapist taught me to deal with them the same way as with anxiety. With Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

Using CBT and recognising that they are just thoughts and thoughts are not you and cannot hurt you. With practice I basically learned to flick a switch in my head when shameful feelings or anxiety started welling up on me.

There were a few times I got humiliated with drugs - being ripped off or essentially stood over. That was kind of humiliating but it took about 5 minutes to process, move on, and have a great night with CBT.

 

[sigmond]

Thanks for reply. I am familiar with CBT but I guess I need to practice more before it produces better results.

I believe the humiliation or trauma I am dealing with to be different than what you would feel in those situations (ripped off or stood over) Its probably more in line with say an alcoholic who gets too drunk at a social event, running out of a public speaking engagement, or someone who has dealt with stimulant psychosis.

Once I blacked out in NYC and when I came to I was on the ground with my socks and shoes off in the fetal position. This was in midtown, so hundreds of people are walking by about two feet away from me. Afterwards people told me I was yelling a bunch of crazy shit while rolling around on the ground and scratching myself. Ive heard stories from people with PTSD who say this is a symptom.

 

[Jabberwocky]

The triggers might be different but the process of recognising and getting a grip on your feelings is likely to be the same.

For that reason therapists using CBT don’t invest a lot of time in unpacking the reasons for people’s anxiety or other negative feelings. It’s supposed to be a set of practical tools that can be helpful no matter what the root cause.

However many people believe you should first undergo some form of traditional talk (dialectical) therapy to own your shit and identify it. I certainly did plenty of that prior to being introduced to CBT and I can see how they work together.

But often the feelings you feel when experiencing shame or other anxiety disorder are physiological - and those symptoms can often be gotten under control with breathing exercises. People under-rate non-pharmaceutical treatments for this stuff. But most science shows non-pharma approaches are more effective.

 

[sigmond]

Thanks.

By different I basically meant a little more severe and complex. Its the kind of humiliation that makes you want to hide from people and sleep all day.

 

[deficiT]

I deal with this all the time. Especially concerning things I did/said while drunk or intoxicated, and things I've done while in the depths of amphetamine or dissociative psychosis.

I like to just bear in mind that other people probably don't remember my weirdness as stinging clear as I do. And in certain cases, if it's something you feel an apology is owed to another person, it helps to just be open about it and tell them know how you feel and apologize.

But yeah it seems like everyday my mind is dragging out something I thought I'd gotten over in order to give me undue stress.

 

[sigmond]

Another thing I wanted to mention is I am altogether photo-phobic and I assume people have taken videos of some of these instances.

Luckily, I can't find anything myself but I can't help but think of that David Cross quote "How can I be paranoid...when the paranoid mother-fuckers who are making me paranoid are really out there?"

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do your shame/paranoid feelings come when you are still inebriated or afterwards? Would you say you excessively ruminate on what you might have done once you sober up?

 

[sigmond]

It happens when I sober up and anytime I think of the event thereafter.

The issue is (at least) twofold: How I deal with my memories when I am alone and how I deal with the perceptions of the people who witnessed them. People will start treating you differently after a humiliating occurrence in their presence. Witnessing something humiliating or traumatic can affect everyone involved.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I used to have a problem with constantly ruminating over things. A psychiatrist diagnosed me as having Obsessive Only Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Which is basically having OCD anxiety but without the repetitive behaviour. Anyway he prescribed low-dose Abilify which REALLY cleared it up. After two weeks on it I totally stopped having uncontrollable thoughts and ruminations and my related anxiety basically disappeared.

 

[burn out]

My advice is to just stop caring. A lot of people have done things they are really ashamed of whether they used drugs or didn't. There really isn't any way to get rid of the painful memories, they will always haunt you. But if you just stop caring they lose a bit of their power.

 

[neversickanymore]

Another take is stop holding yourself to the standers of a God.. your human.. join the ranks of the all of us.. billion of us fuck ups on this blue ball.. stop being so hard on yourself

 

[sigmond]

My advice is to just stop caring. A lot of people have done things they are really ashamed of whether they used drugs or didn't. There really isn't any way to get rid of the painful memories, they will always haunt you. But if you just stop caring they lose a bit of their power.

Yeah, thanks. I try to do this and like I said in the op I really shouldn't feel excessive remorse over these things.

At the same time Ive notice reactions from other people when the events are discussed and you can tell it had a negative effect on them.

I mean, you can easily ruin relationships from stuff like this, so its not something I feel I should just ignore.

(an attempt at a logical conclusion)

It is both harmful and irrational to be affected by memories of the past.

P1. The past no longer exists
P2. The person you're today might be very different than the person you were in the past.
P3. Memories are not facts and are often unreliable
P4. Ruminating on the past influences your chance of joy in the present.
P5. Sometimes drugs alter brain function to an extent that a person can no longer control his thoughts, feelings, and actions.

It is both harmful and irrational to be affected by memories of the past.