Adultery? Or am I Justified?

[Asparagus_Prince]

I have been in a mundane marriage for many years. When I say there's no affection, I'm not just talking about sex. I'm not sure my "wife" and I have even kissed or hugged over the last couple. Sex has been more like 3-4 years ago.

Yes, you heard me right. I'm in my 40s and I haven't "done it" in years.

Now, if I was the reader I would be curious what the other side of the story is. Well, my side of the story is that I'm not really married. This has not been anything resembling a marriage for years. My spouse has made NO effort to be an actual spouse. I feel like I'm living with my sister that I semi-get long with. It's like we had a divorce but continued to live with one another. We keep our distance and DO get along better when we have to to (usually for the kids).

So anyway, I crossed paths with an ex-girlfriend recently. The love of my life, "the one that got away" type. We didn't have a sexual affair (because I insisted we did not). BUT I was willing to make love to her and, if we had, I would NOT have felt guilty for "cheating" on my wife. This got me thinking... why am I only willing to have a sexual relationship with an ex-girlfriend that I love? If I allow myself that, then why not allow myself to have any affair? I don't feel like it's fair to spend the rest of my life a virgin/loveless just because of my unique situation.

But... I do care for my wife. If she found out it would hurt her, even though we've had conversations about how this isn't a "real" marriage. I would want to keep a potential affair out of her sight, which I realize makes me look like a typical male creep. But it really is about not hurting her feelings. I personally don't give a shit. In fact, I would dare her to approach me about "cheating" on her because she knows damn well what our situation is. BUT... I am an empathetic person and I don't want to hurt her.

OR... I could be upfront and tell her. And then never find a partner. And in that situation I've hurt her feelings over nothing.

Thoughts?

 

[Poppy_Princess]

Wow I just want to say I am sorry the relationship you have with the woman you married is at this point. No sex is one thing, but no affection either? No one fucking deserves that type of emotional malnutrition. You deserve everything you have been starved from. I also want to commend you for wanting to do the right thing and talk to your wife first. I'd do the same. If I were you, I'd sit her down and have a real conversation about the cruelty exhibited by your wife. It's like she knows you're a good person and you don't want to cheat. It's like she stays silent and distant so that this convo never happens and you continue to be loyal out of guilt and she gets to go on non participating. She's having her cake and eating it too. smfh

This post hits home for me, because I too was in a relationship where I was emotionally starved. He wouldn't even talk to me or watch a show or movie, and just like you the cherry on top was the zero affection. A fucking triple whammy. Life is too short.

My advice, sit wife down and be straight up about the fact that you don't want to keep giving your precious life and remaining years to someone who doesn't give a fuck if you cry yourself to sleep every night bc all you need is some love.

I'm mad and sad for you.

 

[thujone]

I don't feel like it's fair to spend the rest of my life a virgin/loveless just because of my unique situation.

It's not unique at all. There's even a subreddit for it - r/deadbedrooms

The legal term is constructive abandonment. You could have a case for at-fault divorce.

If you start cheating then your wife would have grounds for an at-fault divorce.

Realize that you're in a marriage and that's effectively a legal contract that you could pay dearly for breaking. Being "upfront" in any way about your desire to break the contract is not a very good idea.

If you absolutely must cheat, you'll have to do it in secret.

 

[Poppy_Princess]

It's not unique at all. There's even a subreddit for it - r/deadbedrooms

The legal term is constructive abandonment. You could have a case for at-fault divorce.

If you start cheating then your wife would have grounds for an at-fault divorce.

Realize that you're in a marriage and that's effectively a legal contract that you could pay dearly for breaking. Being "upfront" in any way about your desire to break the contract is not a very good idea.

If you absolutely must cheat, you'll have to do it in secret.

Holy shit you're 1000% right. I take everything I said back OP. Please listen to @thujone , there could be serious financial consequences that could not only hurt you, but most definitely hurt and come in between the future relationship with your children. Please seek legal consul!

 

[thujone]

yes, divorce is especially difficult for men with children in America. the system is brutally punitive and can feel like serving a sentence for crime.

it takes a lot of trust to be open in a marriage and loss of affection can mean the trust has faded. people are often blind-sided by divorce because they still felt trusting without realizing that their partner did not feel the same way anymore

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

Wow, thanks for the thoughtful and understanding response.

If I were you, I'd sit her down and have a real conversation about the cruelty exhibited by your wife.

I did this several years ago and it changed nothing. My wife is not capable of change AND retaining information. That's why couple's therapy never made sense to me. After 2 days my wife would forget about everything talked about in therapy.

We had another similar conversation a couple months ago. I didn't use the word "cruel", but I did suggest she has not held up her end of the bargain. And that bargain is referring to the previous paragraph and the conversation we had years ago. The bargain was: She must stop being so constantly negative towards me and the kids. She must make a better emotional effort. This might include initiating sex. And she also must stop making everyone else feel guilty for her misgivings. She must be able to apologize and sometimes admit she is wrong.

It's like she knows you're a good person and you don't want to cheat. It's like she stays silent and distant so that this convo never happens and you continue to be loyal out of guilt and she gets to go on non participating.

Wow, that's insightful.

I've thought similar things. However, my wife's brain is an abyss of oblivion. She stays silent and distant out of reflexive habit, not because she's giving any particular approach much thought.

My advice, sit wife down and be straight up about the fact that you don't want to keep giving your precious life and remaining years to someone who doesn't give a fuck if you cry yourself to sleep every night bc all you need is some love.

I'm mad and sad for you.

Here's the thing. I pity my wife. If I was religious I would say she is perfect in a "sinless" sense. She's loyal and honest. She doesn't bring any mess to the table such as addiction or problems handling money. She's a rule-follower.

Also, she is odd looking and insecure about it. She always says stuff like "People probably look at us and think you could do way better". That breaks my heart, and I'm not even particularly attractive.

So, in a way I don't have the heart to hurt her. I especially don't want to hurt her if I never find a girlfriend to have an affair with. I'm not much of a flirt so I don't even know where I would start.

Plus, and this is a big plus, she gave up a lot to be with me. My family is her family. And if we had a proper divorce she would have no one. I don't think I could live with that guilt.

But it's not fair to me either!

I don't know what to do. And I'm not expecting to find any magic answers here. Just venting/sharing I guess.


But, at the same time I'm afraid I will continue to resent her if I feel like she IS keeping me from experiencing love.

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

yes, divorce is especially difficult for men with children in America. the system is brutally punitive and can feel like serving a sentence for crime.

I know my wife and she wouldn't take me to the cleaners. We would work something out amicably.

Even if I'm wrong she would be foolish to take me to the cleaners. My parents are wealthy and that would cut her right out of future comfort. If she came at me hard it would probably actually benefit me because I will get a far greater inheritance in return.

Another big factor I forgot to mention... she is not a US citizen. Her residency was dependent on our marriage. If she pursues a divorce does that mean she essentially deports herself? I doubt she could be deported because her two children would still be here. But... maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she'd be dissuaded from divorce if she knows those are the consequences. No way she'd try to take the kids overseas. She realizes this is the only home they know.

So that's another roadblock and I'm not sure what to do.

It's NOT like we are at each other's throats a lot. It's NOT a bad, toxic marriage. Just a non-marriage. We do ok as co-parents.

I like the house I'm living in. I don't want to move out! Would I choose an affair over that? No. Would I choose being with the love of my life over my house? Possibly. Still have my kids to think about though. And whether or not I'd want to put her through a big hassle. She's had enough go on in her life in recent years.

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

I wish there was some sort of "group" I could attend designed for people looking to meet or have affairs. I wouldn't want it to seem like some disgusting sex-seeking thing. Maybe people are there to simply have someone to talk to or meet for coffee with. I imagine everyone going around and sharing the reason they're there, and what they are looking for. If someone else likes what they hear, then they can approach me during orgy time. I mean... during mingling time at the end.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

I have been in a mundane marriage for many years. When I say there's no affection, I'm not just talking about sex. I'm not sure my "wife" and I have even kissed or hugged over the last couple. Sex has been more like 3-4 years ago.

Yes, you heard me right. I'm in my 40s and I haven't "done it" in years.

Now, if I was the reader I would be curious what the other side of the story is. Well, my side of the story is that I'm not really married. This has not been anything resembling a marriage for years. My spouse has made NO effort to be an actual spouse. I feel like I'm living with my sister that I semi-get long with. It's like we had a divorce but continued to live with one another. We keep our distance and DO get along better when we have to to (usually for the kids).

So anyway, I crossed paths with an ex-girlfriend recently. The love of my life, "the one that got away" type. We didn't have a sexual affair (because I insisted we did not). BUT I was willing to make love to her and, if we had, I would NOT have felt guilty for "cheating" on my wife. This got me thinking... why am I only willing to have a sexual relationship with an ex-girlfriend that I love? If I allow myself that, then why not allow myself to have any affair? I don't feel like it's fair to spend the rest of my life a virgin/loveless just because of my unique situation.

But... I do care for my wife. If she found out it would hurt her, even though we've had conversations about how this isn't a "real" marriage. I would want to keep a potential affair out of her sight, which I realize makes me look like a typical male creep. But it really is about not hurting her feelings. I personally don't give a shit. In fact, I would dare her to approach me about "cheating" on her because she knows damn well what our situation is. BUT... I am an empathetic person and I don't want to hurt her.

OR... I could be upfront and tell her. And then never find a partner. And in that situation I've hurt her feelings over nothing.

Thoughts?

Ok, I haven’t read all the replies yet, but let me just give my unvarnished take right off the bat. When I first got out of my marriage and was getting divorced, I was one of those women on Seeking Arrangement, and I saw this situation a lot, especially with older men whose wives had been through menopause and therefore were no longer interested in sex. These men were often caring partners who didn’t want to hurt their wives, but at the same time had needs that went unmet. They didn’t want to just get a prostitute; they wanted a FWB, so that was my role. I called it being a “girlfriend for rent,” because that way no feelings are hurt and nothing is misunderstood. I knew very well that none of these men would ever leave their wives for me, nor did I wish them to (which is something that can happen in an affair, where feelings are involved.) I would hang out with them, listen to them, go to events or out to dinner or just hang out in a hotel room, talk and have sex. They wanted a no-strings girlfriend, and I wanted sex and financial support (usually, so this felt less “transactional,” they would do things like pay a bill for me or buy me clothes or things I needed for my kids. A couple of times they’d take me grocery shopping or even on a short trip.) So this way everyone was satisfied; they knew they could trust me, I would never reach out to the wife, and I would never develop feelings for them and want more than they could give.

I saw nothing wrong with this situation according to my morals and values because: The wife is the one leaving their husband unfulfilled. So therefore, either she SHOULD have sex some of the time even if she doesn’t really feel like it, or allow the husband to get his needs fulfilled elsewhere or at the very least look the other way when he does. My “job” was filling a need that exists. And relationships are compromise. If the wife is unable to do any of the above things, they should gracefully let the marriage go, so that both parties can be satisfied. It’s NOT WRONG to have sexual needs, at any age!

I think you should go ahead and have an affair, and carefully keep it from your wife. Keep in mind that if you do this with someone who may develop feelings for you, AKA a “real” relationship, you might run into trouble if that person wants/expects you to leave your spouse for them. Or, if this person is known in your mutual friend circles, word may get out. Drama ensues. I would recommend utilizing a website such as SA or some other “arrangement” type of thing. A lot of the women on there are straight-up prostitutes, but you’ll eventually find someone that you like (and is more of a rental girlfriend, lol.) I recommend the subreddit r/sugarlifestyle for tips on how to do this and what the etiquette is (yes, there are right and wrong things to do in this situation! Do your research ahead of time, that way you don’t get scammed!)

These situations are an unfortunate outcome of a Puritan monogamist culture, but this is what we have. So workarounds need to be considered.

Good luck to you!

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply!

My problem is that this isn't about sex as much as everyone assumes. Perhaps even more than sex I miss those feelings of genuine want and desire. That includes speaking to someone that is actually semi-interested in me and what I have to say. Something like Seeking Arrangement sounds intriguing, but deep down I'd know she's there for money. Not for me. I would know it isn't real.

So, I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I did SA I'm afraid I'd feel like some pervert. And I HATE feeling like a perv. I've never been sure why that is. You talked about men with unmet "needs". Which sounds icky and pathetic to me. But I do know what you mean. It's more of an emotional need to me, I guess. Perhaps sex could fulfill that if it was the right person and done the right way. But I don't know. It's definitely not what I have in mind. But then again I don't know what I have in mind. It's the closest I could come, perhaps.

My problem is that I can't 100% blame my wife for not trying. And that's because I've stopped trying too. She's NEVER initiated it. It was always my role. And I hated having that role. I also hated the fact that I knew she DID want it. That might sound hard to believe considering she wouldn't initiate it. But it was true. She wanted it but never initiated. I didn't but was the initiator. After a while I just hated this arrangement. It felt so fucked up. Perhaps 6 months ago she actually complained to me that we don't have sex. I felt like pulling my hair out. I flat out asked her how she can possibly make me feel bad for this when she NEVER makes the effort. I told her that she MUST make the effort, at least occasionally. And has she? Nope. Which I'm not complaining about. Because I've lost all desire for her. I don't want to. So, officially, I suppose she could accuse me of not fulfilling her needs. But I feel like she started the problem.

Which makes me wonder if I've lost my desire period. I say that because I had an innocent date a couple weeks ago with a woman that I DID find attractive. Little did she know I spent some time imagining what it would be like to have sex with her. And in my imagination it didn't seem as appealing as it SHOULD. Of course I'll never know until I actually try. Maybe I should try for that reason. So that I can find out if that's the case or not.

And by appealing I'm not referring to ED. And I don't think it's my 40s age because this trend seems to have happened in accordance with my circumstances.

Luckily I'm easy going and not dependent/needy generally. I'm an introvert, even though those that know me laugh at that notion. But my point is that I do just fine alone. Prefer it even. So if there's any person in the world that's wired to handle this, it's me. I think this is evidenced by the fact I've never cheated on her like most men would have. This isn't really a moral thing. Because I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about it. It's more about... I don't know. Even in my young days I wasn't very aggressive. That's probably because I'm smoking hot and women tend to come to me.

That last sentence was a joke.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

I see what you’re saying. Honestly, you sound a little bit confused about what you want. Have you and she tried couples therapy? This might be something to unravel in therapy, whether separately or together.

Relationships are hard. And complicated. And, yknow what, so is just EXISTING. As a human, by yourself. You’re not always going to know what it is that you need, just that something is missing, as you have said. You’re obviously lacking something in your life, whether it is sex, affection, understanding, etc. Before you take any action, it might be best if you deciphered *what,* exactly, you are looking for.

I hope you find it, whatever it is

 

[Jerry Atrick]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply!

My problem is that this isn't about sex as much as everyone assumes. Perhaps even more than sex I miss those feelings of genuine want and desire. That includes speaking to someone that is actually semi-interested in me and what I have to say. Something like Seeking Arrangement sounds intriguing, but deep down I'd know she's there for money. Not for me. I would know it isn't real.

So, I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I did SA I'm afraid I'd feel like some pervert. And I HATE feeling like a perv. I've never been sure why that is. You talked about men with unmet "needs". Which sounds icky and pathetic to me. But I do know what you mean. It's more of an emotional need to me, I guess. Perhaps sex could fulfill that if it was the right person and done the right way. But I don't know. It's definitely not what I have in mind. But then again I don't know what I have in mind. It's the closest I could come, perhaps.

My problem is that I can't 100% blame my wife for not trying. And that's because I've stopped trying too. She's NEVER initiated it. It was always my role. And I hated having that role. I also hated the fact that I knew she DID want it. That might sound hard to believe considering she wouldn't initiate it. But it was true. She wanted it but never initiated. I didn't but was the initiator. After a while I just hated this arrangement. It felt so fucked up. Perhaps 6 months ago she actually complained to me that we don't have sex. I felt like pulling my hair out. I flat out asked her how she can possibly make me feel bad for this when she NEVER makes the effort. I told her that she MUST make the effort, at least occasionally. And has she? Nope. Which I'm not complaining about. Because I've lost all desire for her. I don't want to. So, officially, I suppose she could accuse me of not fulfilling her needs. But I feel like she started the problem.

Which makes me wonder if I've lost my desire period. I say that because I had an innocent date a couple weeks ago with a woman that I DID find attractive. Little did she know I spent some time imagining what it would be like to have sex with her. And in my imagination it didn't seem as appealing as it SHOULD. Of course I'll never know until I actually try. Maybe I should try for that reason. So that I can find out if that's the case or not.

And by appealing I'm not referring to ED. And I don't think it's my 40s age because this trend seems to have happened in accordance with my circumstances.

Luckily I'm easy going and not dependent/needy generally. I'm an introvert, even though those that know me laugh at that notion. But my point is that I do just fine alone. Prefer it even. So if there's any person in the world that's wired to handle this, it's me. I think this is evidenced by the fact I've never cheated on her like most men would have. This isn't really a moral thing. Because I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty about it. It's more about... I don't know. Even in my young days I wasn't very aggressive. That's probably because I'm smoking hot and women tend to come to me.

That last sentence was a joke.

While I've never been married, I did study anthropology in undergrad and grad school. You said your wife is from overseas. It sounds to me like it could be a cultural thing. It may just be that in her culture and the way she was raised, women simply do not initiate sex or show much outward affection toward their partners. I mean honestly, in some cultures they believe sex is just for procreation and nothing else. She may enjoy sex and wish to have it but it has just been so deeply ingrained as the way she was raised that it may not compute why you don't initiate more often. She might also crave your affection but since she may have been indoctrinated to believe that it is wrong for a woman to express this craving, she may be waiting for you to make the first move on that front as well.

Maybe if you had a conversation with her about her culture and upbringing a light would go off in her head that above and beyond sex, showing more affection toward you is what would make the marriage more fulfilling for both of you. Maybe if you returned to initiating sex and gave her some enjoyment from it, you could get her to come to your way of thinking. Or the other way around, perhaps you could inform her that if she showed you more affection, you would feel obliged to initiate sex more often. That would allow both of you to have your cake and eat it too. I'm not saying you should hold her sex life hostage in exchange for more affection. But have you explained to her the give and take aspect of American marriage? The concept of reciprocity may be something that does compute for her, she just may have never thought to apply these principles to her marriage.

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

I see what you’re saying. Honestly, you sound a little bit confused about what you want. Have you and she tried couples therapy? This might be something to unravel in therapy, whether separately or together.

Confused? Sorta I guess. It's more about not feeling like there are any options, I suppose. I guess the most ideal thing would be to find someone that is in the same boat. Maybe it would work if we relate to one another. But... if feelings develop then it gets icky. Which, ironically, is what I'm after... the feelings that early/newlywed type of relationships give us.

I am a believer in therapy but the problem is that this woman cannot retain information. Years ago we had a heartfelt talk and I started a sentence with: "This is the most important thing I've ever told you: But for this to work I desperately need just one thing from you" and it's not important to finish that sentence. A few months later we reconvened and had NO recollection of me saying that. And she's that way with everything. She is chronically a creature of habit. Therapy might improve things for 3 days, then she will go right back to her usual ways. It's not stubbornness or because she isn't trying. It's just the way she is.

I feel like I so deserve to leave her. But I also don't think she should be punished for simply being the way she is. I know most people in this thread have been supportive. But someone could validly tell me that it was my choice to make a commitment to her. And that it is my responsibility to make sure she is the right person to marry (and deep down, even on our wedding day, I knew she wasn't).

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

You said your wife is from overseas. It sounds to me like it could be a cultural thing. It may just be that in her culture and the way she was raised, women simply do not initiate sex or show much outward affection toward their partners.

That's a real smart observation. However, it's not a cultural thing. She is westernized. Plus the women in her family are anything but shy.

Maybe if you returned to initiating sex and gave her some enjoyment from it, you could get her to come to your way of thinking. Or the other way around, perhaps you could inform her that if she showed you more affection, you would feel obliged to initiate sex more often.

There is a barrier with this idea too. Maybe I haven't mentioned it yet. But I have NO desire to have sex with her. So, I don't know how to summon desire that isn't there. "Faking it" just doesn't seem fair to either of us.

Plus, the fact that I was the lone instigator before is what built resentment in the first place. I feel like I would be repeating the same mistake that led to these problems.

I have no desire to have a romantic relationship with her whatsoever. So I don't know what to do about that.

I don't want to go the rest of my life feeling like this. Then again, it's not worth pursuing a traditional divorce either. I like my house! And I'd rather my kids not be faced with this. It's not like she's a dangerous lunatic that I need to leave "for the kids".

So... "leaving her" would be for no reason other than the possibility of future love. Just not worth it. And even if I had someone in mind (and I do) I don't want to "leave my wife for another woman" when I have too many character red flags with this person. I can't say that about my legal wife. I can say that she's stable and trustworthy. In a boring rule-following kind of way. But I don't have any concerns with her being deceitful or evil or a bad mother. So what the hell idiot would I be to leave my wife to take a chance with someone I'm not sure I can trust. I may love the other person more, but I DO have to think of my kids when it comes to making a moral-downgrade with my partners. I don't know that that would be the case. But I'm seeing red flags.

It is NOT a bad, toxic relationship with my wife. You guys probably assume tension, arguing, etc. No, not at all. I am cordial to her. It's a NON relationship. There's nothing there. No good OR bad. She's like the ex that I see once or twice per week. We actually get along ok this way. But instead of one of of moving out we simply chose to live on separate sides of the house.

 

[G_Chem]

That's a real smart observation. However, it's not a cultural thing. She is westernized. Plus the women in her family are anything but shy.




There is a barrier with this idea too. Maybe I haven't mentioned it yet. But I have NO desire to have sex with her. So, I don't know how to summon desire that isn't there. "Faking it" just doesn't seem fair to either of us.

Plus, the fact that I was the lone instigator before is what built resentment in the first place. I feel like I would be repeating the same mistake that led to these problems.

I have no desire to have a romantic relationship with her whatsoever. So I don't know what to do about that.

I don't want to go the rest of my life feeling like this. Then again, it's not worth pursuing a traditional divorce either. I like my house! And I'd rather my kids not be faced with this. It's not like she's a dangerous lunatic that I need to leave "for the kids".

So... "leaving her" would be for no reason other than the possibility of future love. Just not worth it. And even if I had someone in mind (and I do) I don't want to "leave my wife for another woman" when I have too many character red flags with this person. I can't say that about my legal wife. I can say that she's stable and trustworthy. In a boring rule-following kind of way. But I don't have any concerns with her being deceitful or evil or a bad mother. So what the hell idiot would I be to leave my wife to take a chance with someone I'm not sure I can trust. I may love the other person more, but I DO have to think of my kids when it comes to making a moral-downgrade with my partners. I don't know that that would be the case. But I'm seeing red flags.

It is NOT a bad, toxic relationship with my wife. You guys probably assume tension, arguing, etc. No, not at all. I am cordial to her. It's a NON relationship. There's nothing there. No good OR bad. She's like the ex that I see once or twice per week. We actually get along ok this way. But instead of one of of moving out we simply chose to live on separate sides of the house.

Your right, the kids would rather see dad miserable the rest of his life. Wondering why he’s always in a bad mood, wondering if maybe it’s really them. You aren’t doing anyone any favors, kids can see through the bullshit a lot better than we give them credit.

-GC

 

[Opi_Kid_Rock]

I believe only you could possibly know how to get the message through to your wife before committing in any direction relating to your self-interest; as it seems that both of you value principles for your own peace of mind at least.
Why haven’t both a marriage counsellor AND a sex therapist continued to work with you two together on an ongoing basis as it seems the communication between you two is currently strained or not sinking in for one party? Whatever the cost for this counselling, I’m guessing it’s cheaper than a divorce.
At the end of the day, I’m not qualified to give relationship advice as I’m not in a relationship.

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

Your right, the kids would rather see dad miserable the rest of his life. Wondering why he’s always in a bad mood, wondering if maybe it’s really them. You aren’t doing anyone any favors, kids can see through the bullshit a lot better than we give them credit.

-GC

But I'm not miserable. That's the problem... lol. All other aspects of my life are great.

Remember I already feel divorced. And obviously divorced people can be happy.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

I have been in a mundane marriage for many years. When I say there's no affection, I'm not just talking about sex. I'm not sure my "wife" and I have even kissed or hugged over the last couple. Sex has been more like 3-4 years ago.

Yes, you heard me right. I'm in my 40s and I haven't "done it" in years.

Now, if I was the reader I would be curious what the other side of the story is. Well, my side of the story is that I'm not really married. This has not been anything resembling a marriage for years. My spouse has made NO effort to be an actual spouse. I feel like I'm living with my sister that I semi-get long with. It's like we had a divorce but continued to live with one another. We keep our distance and DO get along better when we have to to (usually for the kids).

So anyway, I crossed paths with an ex-girlfriend recently. The love of my life, "the one that got away" type. We didn't have a sexual affair (because I insisted we did not). BUT I was willing to make love to her and, if we had, I would NOT have felt guilty for "cheating" on my wife. This got me thinking... why am I only willing to have a sexual relationship with an ex-girlfriend that I love? If I allow myself that, then why not allow myself to have any affair? I don't feel like it's fair to spend the rest of my life a virgin/loveless just because of my unique situation.

But... I do care for my wife. If she found out it would hurt her, even though we've had conversations about how this isn't a "real" marriage. I would want to keep a potential affair out of her sight, which I realize makes me look like a typical male creep. But it really is about not hurting her feelings. I personally don't give a shit. In fact, I would dare her to approach me about "cheating" on her because she knows damn well what our situation is. BUT... I am an empathetic person and I don't want to hurt her.

OR... I could be upfront and tell her. And then never find a partner. And in that situation I've hurt her feelings over nothing.

Thoughts?

In the biblical sense (which, for the record, I think the entire bible is bullshit, I'm just giving this part of the answer because you specifically used the term "adultery"), then, yes, that is 100% "adultery".

It sounds like you need to get out of that marriage ASAP to me. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but it sounds like neither one of you loves the other. Why stay in a marriage that makes you both unhappy? Maybe the fact that you've met someone else on top of the situation is a good additional or "Official" reason to ask for a divorce?
Personally, I'd wait until January so as not to have the memory of the stressful situation become a dark cloud over the holidays in future.

Whatever you do, I hope you find happiness, whether with your wife, your ex, someone else, or nobody

 

[Asparagus_Prince]

Why haven’t both a marriage counsellor AND a sex therapist continued to work with you two together on an ongoing basis as it seems the communication between you two is currently strained or not sinking in for one party?

I basically already answered this in a recent post.

My situation is so unusual so I get why it's hard to understand, but it really is like a divorce. So I wasn't asking for marital advice when I posted this thread. I was asking how I could FEEL certain somethings again without messing up my life with an official divorce.

But I wasn't really asking either because there aren't any magic answers. Just sharing. But many of these posts have been very useful. It's good drink for thought.

 

[xtcgrrrl]

You can’t force a feeling. You either do, or you don’t. I think people have given you a lot of good advice in this thread; now it is up to you what you want to do. Even if you were just venting here, not intending to take any action, that’s valid too. You seem like an honorable person who truly wants to do the right thing. I hope that one way or the other you can find your way to happiness and content in the marital/romantic aspects of your life.