admitting you're "an addict"?

[<SpaceHead>]

I've been struggling with the idea of labeling myself as an addict. Admitting you're an addict is supposed to be the first step to recovery right?

For a long time I didn't even think of calling myself an addict because I pretty much only used psychedelic drugs, learning about myself and the universe. Eventually I built a huge mental tolerance and started taking crazy mixtures of psychedelics, then adding lots of dissociatives and finally kratom and phenibut. At one point I almost died from ODing on DXM, thats when I first realized something was really wrong. Earlier this year I decided to be sober for three months in hopes to build a healthier relationship with drugs when I started again. When I started taking drugs again I was in an extremely stressful situation and happened to get some GBL which totally removed my anxiety when I was on it. It also ruined my judgement. Later I started to use phenibut every day and became physically addicted.

I was in a relationship with someone I dearly loved for many years which just recently ended, largely because of my drug use and how it changed my personality. So I have been heart broken, and as I expected I have been gravitating towards escapist drugs. Took DXM four times in a week, then this last week I have been drunk every day which isn't like me at all.

When I admit to myself that I am an addict I feel condemned, "I have always been this way and I will always be this way" and I take the nearest sedating drug. When I deny that I'm an addict I take drugs because I don't have to worry about my habit, clearly I can control it if I do just enough.

So what is the most productive way to think about it? Is it a black and white kind of thing or a gradient? I want to go in the right direction but I do not have the strength or desire to quite all drugs.

 

[RobotRipping]

it's definitely a gradient sort of thing. What is your goal with your drug use? Mine is to reduce as much harm as possible and as many negative effects as possible. How are drugs affecting your life right now?

I don't think it's productive to just think you are a drug addict and that's how you will always be. I don't agree with the disease model of addiction. Be conscious about your drug use, be honest with yourself and if things need changing so that you don't mess up your life then make a conscious effort to make those changes. You don't have to quit drugs, but you should be responsible and take care of yourself. It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that you are fine but that's where the honesty with yourself comes into play. You always have to stay one step ahead and evaluate your drug use.

If you've been drinking every day then you need to take a step back and figure out why you have been drinking every day. Are you trying to cope with something? There are better ways to cope that are much more healthy than alcohol and will leave you feeling much better afterwards as well. Keep an open mind and be willing to change if needed.

 

[mrflowers00]

only you know if your truly an addict

 

[<SpaceHead>]

I do practice meditation, I try to do it every day, and I also try to write down what drugs I have done in a journal for every day. Sometimes I miss a week or two when things are bad, so I do put a lot of conscious effort into monitoring and being aware of my drug use. And I have had times where my drug use has been harmless recreation or useful introspection, but then again I've had times when it's been needless escapist hedonism. I guess I should give myself some credit though, I did manage to stay sober for three months through only my own will power, and I have put a lot of effort into monitoring and controlling my drug use. I've had friends with similar habits to mine that had moved on to shooting heroin or ruining their lives with xanex and ending up in rehab, I know if I hadn't put that effort in I would be there too. So I guess I should remember I have a choice in the situation and I have the ability to make the right choice if I really want to. But when I'm not doing well it's easier to convince myself I don't have a choice so I don't have to take the responsibility for it. So complex but so simple right!

 

[laCster]

try reading the big book, it helped me realize that i am an addict. you do show signs of addiction, but no one can label you an addict but yourself..


what helped me was to make a 'T' chart, with powerlessness on one side, and unmanageability on the other. think of situations in your life where you felt you NEEDED to drink or drug, and then ask yourself, "was i able to control what happened after i drank or drugged?"

i big one for me was the powerlessness of picking my dogs tramadol out of his piss, and as a result of taking such trams, i had a grand mal seizure.. seizures are pretty unmanageable IMO.


try going to some AA meetings, NA works too, but i dislike them...

 

[lilmizer]

try to control and enjoy your drug use. try to control and enjoy your alcohol consumption. if you can do so my hat is off to you. but when you're "doing bad" and take massive amounts of dxm or alcohol - you may have a problem! if you look at your own chemical consumption objectively; it should be a pretty simple self diagnosis. people who dont have alcohol/ drug problems don't think about these things at length like you do. if you've lost a relationship with someone who you deeply loved, and it was largely over drugs and how they changed your personality - you may have a problem! needless to say i disagree vehemently with with robotripping. its quite simple and black and white for me. I either a) have the power to control and enjoy my drinking/using or b) do not. if b) is operative, there is a simple program of action i can take that will avail me a decent life. if a), i probably wouldn't even be considering these things.

my girlfriend, for instance can have a few beers, or take .25 mgs of xanax and chill. not think about the rest of the sixpack in the fridge or the other .25 alprazolam in her purse for days or weeks. she wont be at work thinking about when she's going to drink or take xanax next. she doesnt post on forums about her benzo or alcohol consumption.

@ robotripping: " Mine is to reduce as much harm as possible and as many negative effects as possible. " this is called damage control. people who dont have issues w/ drugs and alcohol dont think like this. i wish you the best with your endeavors though. If you can use successfully have at it.

 

[twato]

I think a lot of addiction issues are rooted deeply in our personality, at least that's the case with me. I've abused all substances that I even remotely liked, mine's a classic example of an addictive mindset. That said, I'm also of the opinion that a large part of being an addict has to do with being unable to control your intake, it's that feeling of having given up/feeling powerless in the face of daily consumption that differentiates between a "normal" user and an addict. It's hard to say whether there's an objective line between the two and the borders vary from person to person though. That you're still feeling remorseful for your "bad times" is a good sign however, I couldn't have cared less about myself when I was strung out on H.

I had to nearly hit rock bottom before realising that this wasn't the same as with weed or even alcohol, both of which were once dailies for me, and that an urgent change was in order if I wanted to live. Still, that realization was hard to process and even harder to act upon.

As long as you still have a measure of control, you're not completely addicted in my book, but it pays to be wary. No need to stress about being an addict though, as long as you can abstain on your own terms. I don't mean to downplay your problem <SpaceHead>, but you don't exhibit strong addictive traits in my eyes. If you were, you wouldn't bother with these questions, rather where the next fix is coming from.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

There are many different levels of addiction, it's not a black and white thing. I would worry less about the "addict" label and more about whether your drug use is adversely impacting your life. If it is, then it's a problem, regardless of what you call it. I highly recommend mindfulness techniques to try to take back some personal power, as well as being completely honest with yourself about your drug use, your reasons for using, and your degree of control over it (or lack there of). Try to learn healthier ways to cope with stress, sadness, etc. There are many options out there to help yourself other than just AA/NA. And personally I don't believe that every single person with any problem whatsoever with a drug/drugs has to give up any and all drugs forever. If you are able to minimize/eliminate adverse impact on your life without doing so that's perfectly fine.

 

[Emily29707]

I think part of the problem is that the public perception of an addict is usually someone living on the streets, stealing to support their habit, working as prostitutes, etc. If none of these things apply then are you an addict?

 

[Swimmingdancer]

^I don't like the label of "addict", as if that defines a person, or is their identity or all that they are. And it's true that people tend to think of the stereotype. I remember a long time ago I was with a friend who didn't know I used drugs and he said, "Look at that guy, he looks like a heroin addict," and I said, "Really? What does an addict look like?" and he listed off a bunch of stereotypes like dirty, skinny, crazy, homeless, etc, and I said, "What if I told you I was a heroin addict?" and he said "No way, you don't look or seem like an addict at all," I said, "I'm serious," and he replied, "Wow, I am shocked. That really changes my perception of addiction."

Moral of the story: anyone can be addicted. They don't have to have hit rock bottom or have their life revolve entirely around drugs with no care for anything else. They don't have to be physiologically dependent on a drug, or even be addicted to one specific drug. It doesn't even have to be a drug, it can be a behaviour. If someone has any of these factors, they can be addicted:
- impaired control over their use of a substance/substances or a behaviour
- preoccupation with the substance(s)/behaviour
- continued use despite negative consequences
- denial about the adverse consequences of their drug use/behaviour despite existence of such
- caring only about immediate gratification, when they do or will experience long-term costs

But really, I don't think it matters that much whether or not a person is "addicted", if their drug use is a problem, in that it is adversely impacting their life, then it's a problem and something they should consider changing.

In cases where it is unclear, I don't personally think it's some necessary step to admit "I am an addict", but just to admit to yourself that your drug use is problematic and something you don't feel you have enough control over and would like to change.

 

[<SpaceHead>]

- impaired control over their use of a substance/substances or a behaviour <I do definitely experience this
- preoccupation with the substance(s)/behaviour <I do also experience this, but for me I'm more preoccupied with subjects related to drugs like the chemistry of drugs, the politics, culture, history etc, not just with taking them
- continued use despite negative consequences <this is also true, but I have had so many experienced with positive outcomes that its hard to judge which outweighs the other
- denial about the adverse consequences of their drug use/behaviour despite existence of such <I do not deny the harmful effects of my use, I recognize it and try to reduce it
- caring only about immediate gratification, when they do or will experience long-term costs <I do love immediate gratification but I do care about many more things, psychedelic drugs are my main drugs of choice and although they can be fun I wouldn't really call it immediate gratification

So I guess what I'm wondering is not if I am an addict or not, because it seems impossible to really prove one way or another, but if viewing myself as an addict will help me overcome the habituation and harmful effects of my use or make it worse. Today I'm thinking that I'll look at it like there are addictive parts of my personality and stable parts too. I should just concentrate on identifying the specific drugs and patterns of use that are problematic and remove them instead of worrying about whether or not I'm an addict. Thank's for the input guys it has really been a useful reflection!