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Addiction to intoxication

brownbradley39

brownbradley39

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 18, 2014
Messages
127
I'm a 19 year old male and would just like some time of day, opinions, and advice from others who have faced similar problems. I've been diagnosed with polysubstance dependence which is basically psychological dependence to intoxication... No matter how hard I try I can't stay clean... My 3 drugs of choice are cocaine, opiates, and alcohol. I've been considering suicide because i'm tired of a miserable life ruled by substance but yet I couldn't do that to my family... I'd just like the the time of day and opinions who have lived and felt in a similar matter.. Thank you.
 
When I was a junior in high school one of my teachers talked to me because I would always come to school high and smelling like a pot factory. He told me lots of people smoke weed but if I had to do it every day then I might have a problem. I never forgot that conversation and I was able to keep it in check, finish college, start a great career, buy a house and live the American dream.

I still got high and drank sometimes but still lived pretty normally. It wasn't until I was in my late 30's when I got a bad drug habit and my life turned to shit. I couldn't function properly anymore. I contemplated suicide too because I felt I had lost everything but I was able to kick all the drugs eventually. But just switched it up for alcohol and that wrecked my health worse than anything.

So I just turned 50 and over the years I've seen so many people in my little circle die from substance abuse. Sometimes I feel I know more dead people than live ones. It's not the way life was meant to be but it happens. You don't want to become one of those people so do what you can to change this lifestyle you've fallen into.
 
It's just strange because some days I feel strong then other days I can't imagine living without being loaded... And sometimes I honestly feel what's the point or that I won't live very long or should just end it myself..
 
Sorry you are feeling this way. What have you done to try and address your addiction.

What is it that made or makes the use of these drugs a positive experience for you or what do they do for you?


You can figure this out and with a little work and effort you can find yourself peaceful and happy.. living an amazing life.. so I would definitely shelve the idea of suicide.
 
I've felt largely that way since I was very young, I remember starting smoking cigarettes at 8, a friends mum ran a shop so he stole them. By 12 I was regularly doing the drinks cabinet cocktail, you know a bit from half a dozen bottles of spirits. At 13 I was smoking every day and abusing solvents and by 14 smoking hash and still drinking a fair bit.

The story goes on, I'm gone 40 now and have never been completely free of some kind of drugs for more than 2-3 months. I just seem to crave escape fro one thing and also drugs have enabled me to not deal with things in my life that I've found difficult, we are all different so my details aren't really important.

I've considered suicide many times, spent weeks and months consumed by the thought of it and the details of how I'd carry it out, I've been quite close from a preparation point of view but never actually attempted the act.

If you are feeling suicidal on a regular basis, I would urge you to seek professional support, your doctor would be a good start or if that doesn't appeal there are many organisations that offer free and confidential advice and counselling, don't under value talking to a counsellor about how you feel such sessions can be life changing or you may find further meetings and support are required.

It feels from your words that you don't feel your life is liveable without the augmentation of chemicals of somekind, like you feel there is something lacking from plain old reality, I often feel this way although I'm over simplifying, the world is amazing even without chemicals but some of us have to work a little harder to gain that happiness, but when we do it's the real deal not the result of drenching your brain in chemicals.
 
This was/is me too... since the first time I got high on marijuana at 17, I immediately bought some and started smoking every single day. Up until 26 I smoked almost literally every day, and at 23 I started taking lots of other things too (I occasionally took other things before then). Also at 20 I started using kratom which led to a 10-year, life-altering addiction I just recently got over, that gradually progressed to poppy tea (morphine/codeine/etc). Even now I still sometimes have to struggle with wanting to get high every day. And in fact I do usually smoke a little weed every day, only at night now, not 24/7 by any means, and not literally every day and for example when I go on vacation with my family I just don't the whole time and I'm fine (unlike when I was younger when I would always make sure I found a way to get some there whether it was sneaking some on the plane or mailing it to myself elsewhere). And when I run out and can't afford more I just go without. I find for me it's gotten easier as time goes on, and I am more and more satisfied with being sober, but this is a recent development catalyzed by my quitting opiates. Opiates, for me, turned into a whole separate addiction from my poly-drug addiction that was infinitely more destructive to me. I noticed you said opiates... are you physically addicted to them? Heavy use of opiates will slowly destroy your life in such a sinister and sneaky way. The low places I went as a result of opiates are frightening for me to think about now.

It's weird because I wasn't ever using drugs to cover anything up, I was using them to enhance my life that I already loved. In my mid-twenties I was taking psychedelics VERY often, and my thought process was always, "hey, I feel good, but I could feel even BETTER and have an even MORE interesting day if I take this!" That was how opiates started too, but then after I got addicted, it became a feedback loop, I felt shitty without them so I kept doing them, digging me further and further in.

I feel that I can deal with my poly-drug addiction, minus the opiates. I have just been working on developing more willpower, and (very importantly) filling my life with other things, healthy things. Working out 5 days a week has helped more than anything else, along with eating well. These two factors (especially the working out) make such a tremendous difference for me.
 
Getting off drugs, taking my meds daily, and changing patterns of thinking has really helped improve myself :)
 
^it's great to hear from you brownbradley, congrats on getting off drugs!
 
Awesome you are doing well man! I have been there and done that and like you am beginning to slowly get back to the me I truly am. It is about damn time at almost twenty five years old eleven years later. The things I regret most from my use is without a doubt the pain brought onto my loved ones due to my actions and all of the time I wasted not spending it with them. Family is the only thing that kept me going at my worst and I am forever thankful they stuck around considering how utterly ridiculous it has all been.

Well to better things then brother continue your ascension into all that is great. Be glad you figured this out sooner rather then later it really does only get worse
 
That brief post sounds a lot like a clone of my life. The only thing that truly stopped me and is still stopping me is the guilt and pain I'll bring on my family. I don't want to do it to them. But sometimes the torture I think I endure with this world is unbelievable. Hopefully thingsnare getting better. Know that you're not alone.
 
brownbradley39 said:
Getting off drugs, taking my meds daily, and changing patterns of thinking has really helped improve myself :)
Click to expand...

That's fantastic brownbradley - congratulations!! :)

How have you changed your patterns of thinking? Interesting and inspiring!

All my best,

~ Vaya
 
Thank you everybody! It really is great hearing support from people. I've just learned to see through emotions for what they are, temporary. They will come and go and there's no need to act upon them! I'd fooled around with drugs for a few years but it wasn't until a family member was prescribed painkillers that I found true addiction... Needless to say with my brain's chemistry not all whacked out its become much easier to live life on lifes terms, and like others have said sometimes the only thing that keeps you in check is the painful memories.
 
I hear what you're saying. I beat myself up too much about things I did in the past. We can't change that but we can live for today!
 
I try to look at things as positively as I can and one thing I tell myself is I can be a service to others going through what I have; as others have been there for me.
 
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