user name1
Bluelighter
Hi all,
first i would like to apologize in advance for any typos or bad grammar, english is not my first language.
i have hit a new low - which is not that easy for i have done many shameful things this last few years.
i know, i know its a cliche and been said so many times but im living this cliche and i cant share my wrongdoings
with no one because im too ashamed and embarrassed (even now its really hard for me even though im anonymous).
well, im trying to avoid the matter at hand by typing all this b.s, im a wreck and feeling really depressed and as if
im on a raft in the middle of the ocean, no land in the horizon. nothing. i feel so weird writing this stuff, not getting to the point, almost as if i cant get to the point cause it so painful.
i will try not to get too carried away and bore you with my tediousness and self pity. so ive been tapering subutex for the last 4 months and in two weeks time ill make the jump but for almost six months now ive been smoking rock, hitting that pipe pretty hard and spending my humble salary in a heartbeat. when im out of cash i start to lie and make up elaborate stories to my (welfare) mom about how i need money and she gives me some cash (although im sure she knows that im up to something shady). soon after the shit is good and gone i start to steal from her and i've been stealing from her for years, no matter how hard she tries to hide the dough, i usually find it and she knows im stealing it.
well, that shame is something i can live with, i tell myself little stories about how its alright and i have accepted the fact that im a no good, lying, thieving, cheating piece of merde but since my rock smoking binges started to become more and more demanding and absorving i started to steal electronic equipment from work, trading them for rock.
i must admit that i have no shame in stealing from work (only paranoia) cause the boss is this filthy rich, private jet owner kinda guy which pays me minimum wage although im doing much more than my job description and am a "stand up guy". ok i need to get to the point already! why cant i just do that? anyway ill try once again - i know it sounds like i dont have red lines when it comes to stealing, but surprisingly i do - i cant and wont steal from my friend(s) or from anyone who, IMO dosent deserve stealing from (the unfortunates, the poor and the few and rare good, generous people), my mom being the exception.
yesterday, after months of solitude and loneliness, i went to visit an old friend of mine, a really good and generous friend that knows about my habit and wont lend me money cause of that.
as i drive to his place i come up with this idea to tell him i got drunk and took a loan from this very scary drug dealer
and i must pay him some of the money back or the interest will grow and i dont know what to do. my friend then asked me how much i owe and i said a 1000 nis (about 300 - 350$) but that i can pay him half now and half in a week or so. my friend then went to the ATM and got me the whole sum saying "pay this dude off and pay me back when and how you can". i felt ashamed but thrilled at the same time cause i was jonesing pretty bad o make myself sound authentic i asked my friend to come with me to pay back the man (i was sure he wouldnt cause hes got a criminal past, and detest this lifestyle and avoids drug ridden hoods, criminals etc.) and to my surprise he asked "your car is "clean", right? nothing incriminating?" i responded that yes, the car is clean but neglected to say that when we will drive back the car wont be so "clean" anymore, thinking to myself what an asshole i am and how foolish i was to ask him to come with. as we drive i devise a plan to ask the dealer to use certain gestures with body language to imply that the debt is paid and we're even. needless to say it didnt work quite as i planned and my mate saw the exchange. as i return to the car, instead of coming clean and face the music i continued to lie and said to my friend that he gave me a free rock for paying the debt in full. i could see in his eyes how disappointed he was and that he's seriously starting to doubt me. on the way back we drove in silence, i was so ashamed and felt so guilty i honestly didnt know what to do. i asked him if he would like to come over, and after a long silence he said ok. as i park my car he says to me - "you know what, ill tell you right now what i think. im not an idiot and i understand perfectly what went on, now if it was anyone else i would say good night and never speak to him again, maybe even forget the debt,
but you're like my older brother, we know each other for years and i wont let that come between us. i will never lend you any money and im hurt but i understand". i almost cried in front of him and said that he shouldnt forgive me, that im a piece of shit and i dont deserve a friend like him, that what i did was unforgivable and its not the drugs its me,
enough excuses. he said again that he understand and lets go have a coffee at my place. we sat and of course i started hitting the pipe and said how ashamed and unworthy i feel. i repeatedly asked if hes not resenting me or holding a grudge and he answered that no, just a bit hurt and that it'll be ok. today i woke up feeling so bad and so guilty that i cant find a moment of peace. i dont know how or even when should i talk to my mate, what would i say?
so, i made a short story long and repeating myself endlessly, i think i should just stop...
thank you very much for reading this too long, too messed up, lame and slurred rant of a miserable soul. all the best,
Jones
first i would like to apologize in advance for any typos or bad grammar, english is not my first language.
i have hit a new low - which is not that easy for i have done many shameful things this last few years.
i know, i know its a cliche and been said so many times but im living this cliche and i cant share my wrongdoings
with no one because im too ashamed and embarrassed (even now its really hard for me even though im anonymous).
well, im trying to avoid the matter at hand by typing all this b.s, im a wreck and feeling really depressed and as if
im on a raft in the middle of the ocean, no land in the horizon. nothing. i feel so weird writing this stuff, not getting to the point, almost as if i cant get to the point cause it so painful.
i will try not to get too carried away and bore you with my tediousness and self pity. so ive been tapering subutex for the last 4 months and in two weeks time ill make the jump but for almost six months now ive been smoking rock, hitting that pipe pretty hard and spending my humble salary in a heartbeat. when im out of cash i start to lie and make up elaborate stories to my (welfare) mom about how i need money and she gives me some cash (although im sure she knows that im up to something shady). soon after the shit is good and gone i start to steal from her and i've been stealing from her for years, no matter how hard she tries to hide the dough, i usually find it and she knows im stealing it.
well, that shame is something i can live with, i tell myself little stories about how its alright and i have accepted the fact that im a no good, lying, thieving, cheating piece of merde but since my rock smoking binges started to become more and more demanding and absorving i started to steal electronic equipment from work, trading them for rock.
i must admit that i have no shame in stealing from work (only paranoia) cause the boss is this filthy rich, private jet owner kinda guy which pays me minimum wage although im doing much more than my job description and am a "stand up guy". ok i need to get to the point already! why cant i just do that? anyway ill try once again - i know it sounds like i dont have red lines when it comes to stealing, but surprisingly i do - i cant and wont steal from my friend(s) or from anyone who, IMO dosent deserve stealing from (the unfortunates, the poor and the few and rare good, generous people), my mom being the exception.
yesterday, after months of solitude and loneliness, i went to visit an old friend of mine, a really good and generous friend that knows about my habit and wont lend me money cause of that.
as i drive to his place i come up with this idea to tell him i got drunk and took a loan from this very scary drug dealer
and i must pay him some of the money back or the interest will grow and i dont know what to do. my friend then asked me how much i owe and i said a 1000 nis (about 300 - 350$) but that i can pay him half now and half in a week or so. my friend then went to the ATM and got me the whole sum saying "pay this dude off and pay me back when and how you can". i felt ashamed but thrilled at the same time cause i was jonesing pretty bad o make myself sound authentic i asked my friend to come with me to pay back the man (i was sure he wouldnt cause hes got a criminal past, and detest this lifestyle and avoids drug ridden hoods, criminals etc.) and to my surprise he asked "your car is "clean", right? nothing incriminating?" i responded that yes, the car is clean but neglected to say that when we will drive back the car wont be so "clean" anymore, thinking to myself what an asshole i am and how foolish i was to ask him to come with. as we drive i devise a plan to ask the dealer to use certain gestures with body language to imply that the debt is paid and we're even. needless to say it didnt work quite as i planned and my mate saw the exchange. as i return to the car, instead of coming clean and face the music i continued to lie and said to my friend that he gave me a free rock for paying the debt in full. i could see in his eyes how disappointed he was and that he's seriously starting to doubt me. on the way back we drove in silence, i was so ashamed and felt so guilty i honestly didnt know what to do. i asked him if he would like to come over, and after a long silence he said ok. as i park my car he says to me - "you know what, ill tell you right now what i think. im not an idiot and i understand perfectly what went on, now if it was anyone else i would say good night and never speak to him again, maybe even forget the debt,
but you're like my older brother, we know each other for years and i wont let that come between us. i will never lend you any money and im hurt but i understand". i almost cried in front of him and said that he shouldnt forgive me, that im a piece of shit and i dont deserve a friend like him, that what i did was unforgivable and its not the drugs its me,
enough excuses. he said again that he understand and lets go have a coffee at my place. we sat and of course i started hitting the pipe and said how ashamed and unworthy i feel. i repeatedly asked if hes not resenting me or holding a grudge and he answered that no, just a bit hurt and that it'll be ok. today i woke up feeling so bad and so guilty that i cant find a moment of peace. i dont know how or even when should i talk to my mate, what would i say?
so, i made a short story long and repeating myself endlessly, i think i should just stop...
thank you very much for reading this too long, too messed up, lame and slurred rant of a miserable soul. all the best,
Jones
