Addicted to Depression

[malakaix]

I realized this last night, I am addicted to the feeling of been depressed.

It becomes a place of comfort when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed by the world; it's almost like this 'friend' that's always there for me when life becomes too much. It's so ingrained into my personality that when I feel content I look for reasons to feel depressed again because I feel like I'm losing my sense of self.. I am heavily identified with it.

I understand now that on some level.. I want to be depressed because otherwise I feel as though the very foundation of who I am is been threatened, which is total bullshit but I can't get past it.. I guess you could say, it's all I have?

So this is a real dilemma; a classic example if been addicted to suffering. I suppose it's helpful that I now recognize I'm doing this to myself on purpose, I'm choosing this rather then placing the responsibility solely on external circumstances.

But how do you give up what you essentially believe to be you, I know it's all imagined.. but I can't seem to let go of feeling depressed; it's like the last piece of me hanging on by a thread..

 

[Jean-Paul]

try to focus on your interests as an identifier.

depression is an obstacle to realizing who you are fully and your life.

think of it this way. if you are accustomed to not wanting to identify yourself by other means, work on that.

illness shouldn't have to be someones entire identity. i hate that i talk about mine so much.

i don't mean to advertise, so to speak.

there is a difference between being overwhelmed with illness and being defined by it. try to move past being defined by it, it sounds like you already recognize you may not have that much of a real problem with it. don't let others defining you by it, make you accept it for yourself.

labels can be like a badge or an excuse. try not to give yourself negative badges.

i talk a lot about my issues online, and i wish i wouldn't. what i really want is to just get over them. it just isn't that easy. but i would not want someone to look at me, and see only my problems. it isn't fair to me, or to anyone.

 

[spork]

I don't have much advice to give, but I do know that feeling of being comforted by depression all too well. Usually when I become depressed after a happier period, I feel relief that I can be myself again. I'm not waiting for the inevitable and I feel a sense of home. I want to be happy like others are, but I don't know if that will ever happen because depression has been such a huge part of me for my entire life.

Just know that you're not alone in feeling this

 

[DeathDomokun]

I know what you mean about depression affecting the way you filter things, your very perception and experience.
After some time, it becomes a comfort zone. It is not comfortable, but you're intertwined with it, it is part of you and your being.
We all know what it's like to to exist, to simply be.
Such an inherent feeling can be tainted, mixed, and warped to be an abhorrent phenomenon, drowned in repugnance.

The question is, what are you?
Have you been changed by this?
Is this your ego?
Is this your experience?
Are you either?

I don't know, though.
None of these pixels will help you.

 

[Jean-Paul]

i once made myself a lot worse by trying to philosophize these kinds of issues.

i think what you said is good, deathdomokun, but you can intellectualize yourself to death on some things.

i used to think the answers to my problems could be found in books about existentialism, etc.

i think having depression or whatever illness it is, changes anyone. it is, of course, going to be a part of you.

i think the important thing is finding, remembering, and recognizing the moments where you exist apart from that, and recognizing that healthiness as the self you should identify with, even when you can't express yourself as that self as much as you'd like.

everyone has bad parts of themselves and good parts of themselves.

i know what it's like to think i had lost all the good parts. the thing is, it was a trick of the mind. i hadn't always been a list of symptoms, and i still wasn't, even in my illness. appreciating the duality is less hopeless than believing you have lost any other source of being. having those positive attributes confirmed externally is validating and helpful rather than being stuck alone in your own head. however, the objective shouldn't be to judge yourself based on how those around you have decided you are. (my own crisis had a lot to do with subjective/objective reality as far as who i am)

sometimes simplification can be the most helpful in an identity crisis.

 

[grumpygrouse]

I have been there. Of course it's comforting because it's familiar to you. And it is part of you, it will be even if you are 'cured'. And you know what? It makes you a better person and one day you realise that you are happy you once were where you are now. It will happen if you get treatment you need but it will also take time to get there. For me it took almost seven years...

I also didn't seek help because I was afraid - maybe they say there's nothing wrong with me? Am I just built to be unhappy forever? I was afraid of getting diagnosed as well, because in my case it would have meant that I will lose parts that were good - manic periods...

Well, finally got diagnosed, started getting treatment... and it was very tough in the beginning. Is all of me mental illness and if so then who the fuck am I?!

But finally came to the same conclusion that Jean-Paul wrote about. It's all me. Parts of me are asshole, other parts can be quite awesome and with treatment I control things that need be controlled and that's what it is.

But I strongly advise you to at least try therapy and/or meds... you might be happy with the outcome.

 

[mal3volent]

There are many who make a good living being depressed... Find an artistic way to express your pain.

 

[BlueHues]

^I mean, a little bit of pain and loss provides good writing material/artistic inspiration, but it's really hard to get motivated when you're depressed, at least for me. I think self-defeating thought patterns become so ingrained in some of us, we just tend to give up.
I don't like depression and isolation and anxiety and I've lived with it enough to know it's not what I want for myself....I like to experience new people and things and enjoy life.

 

[mrflowers00]

people change you won't always have to feel depressed to feel like yourself

 

[grumpygrouse]

There are many who make a good living being depressed... Find an artistic way to express your pain.

That was what I meant when I said it makes you a better person. Doesn't matter if you use your experiences artistically or can help others or use it in your writing.. you benefit, by first you have to deal with it, learn to beat it or how control it.

 

[grumpygrouse]

people change you won't always have to feel depressed to feel like yourself

People change. But depression is illness and needs medical attention. You won't magically change to undepressed person. You have to do the work first.

But I agree - you are so much more than you think. Aren't you a bit curious to meet all the other parts of you?

 

[JessFR]

I realized this last night, I am addicted to the feeling of been depressed.

It becomes a place of comfort when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed by the world; it's almost like this 'friend' that's always there for me when life becomes too much. It's so ingrained into my personality that when I feel content I look for reasons to feel depressed again because I feel like I'm losing my sense of self.. I am heavily identified with it.

I understand now that on some level.. I want to be depressed because otherwise I feel as though the very foundation of who I am is been threatened, which is total bullshit but I can't get past it.. I guess you could say, it's all I have?

So this is a real dilemma; a classic example if been addicted to suffering. I suppose it's helpful that I now recognize I'm doing this to myself on purpose, I'm choosing this rather then placing the responsibility solely on external circumstances.

But how do you give up what you essentially believe to be you, I know it's all imagined.. but I can't seem to let go of feeling depressed; it's like the last piece of me hanging on by a thread..

I think I know what you mean. There's something seductive about depression, for me anyway. Sort of like feeling like you hate yourself and hate life so much that you could do nearly anything without there being any serious consequences. Fight depression long enough and it seems to become part of how you identify.

It's a sick, destructive cycle. Feel depressed, feel guilty for enjoying the sense of freedom being so depressed gives you, feel more depressed about how utterly fucked up your brain must be to think the way it does.

Dunno what to say to help you, haven't worked out how to escape from it myself yet.

 

[blahman8000]

I think it's possible that the comfort you're experiencing is in the surrender to a weight that's already present. Depression can be glorified at times, but maybe it's just the relief of giving into it.

 

[malakaix]

This has been an interesting read-through for me, as clearly there are others who also find that 'comfort' in depression which becomes a very hard pattern to break..

It's true that in my deepest despair I find freedom.. in the sense that I'm free from disappointment because I'm already at my lowest.. theres no expectation.. and that's a very addictive freedom because as you said JessFR you feel as though you can do whatever with little care of the consequences.

And yet on the same token as you pointed out blahman, it's also a type of surrender into the depression.

I think I'm beginning to understand that depression is just a story I keep re-telling myself.. A protective mechanism to avoid ever been disappointed in life.. I hide behind, when life deals a blow I come back to depression like an old friend for comforting.. and I may well get stuck there for a long time because its familiar and life is unpredictable..

 

[dilated_pupils]

It becomes a place of comfort when I'm feeling lonely or overwhelmed by the world; it's almost like this 'friend' that's always there for me when life becomes too much.

Being overwhelmed must occur easily for you, probably because you bite off more than you can chew (although it's all a part of the mentality you're displaying). I think if you were to find succession in progressing forward, have it be with anything that you're into (hobbies) then you'd be able to deal with the corresponding depressing/overwhelming feeling. Sometimes you need to just ride out that overwhelming sensation, and keep pushing. Where there is a will there is a way, and there must be something willing you if not yourself, to stay the same. Although speaking about what's holding your back, will only lead you to discover a path to a better place.

I have been through the cycle you're in, and still feel like I am somewhat, although not 'addicted' to depression, I feel like I have been having the same story play out in front of me, time and time again, due to my own ignorance. I now still see the same story, but with one over top of it building, one that I don't mind sharing with others.

Try getting out a sheet of paper, writing down "Realistic Goals For the Week of __" and putting down a few things that can ultimately make you smile. Then take the necessary steps it will take to achieve them. This could be something like eating breakfast each day. Then the fun part will be actually deciding what you're going to make, going to get those things, making sure those things are around to keep this goal alive. Achieving something is only part of the struggle, maintaining it is key.

Good luck. I want to add I suggest finding a doctor you feel comfortable talking to about such things that you've yet been able to find deep within, they may be able to help weed out the issues that are holding you back. A much happier life could literally be footsteps away.

-dp