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Addicted, lost, and just cut myself for the first time

toastedpanda

toastedpanda

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 12, 2007
Messages
886
Location
My Own Headspace, Searching
I dont know where to start or what to say, Ive never really started a thread on bluelight but have been a member for 5 years.

I'm a 22 year POS junkie, I'm ready to give up. Ive had the talent to study IT and make a career out of it if I went to school (and I did for a year) I also work a well paying job (26/h after bennies) that is when theres work.


But.... I just dont care work has ben an issue as a recent elections has put or local union all run by one family. Not that it would matter cause I hate the work and quit most projexts after a few weeks. I just dont care. I'll never be what I should be, it would be better for me to die today. so at least they could say he was going somewhere but never made, rather than die an old junkie everyone gave up one.

In the past two weeks I haven'thad a single friend call or return mine. I've known some for live and they only call on payday, my payday. My family.... whats it matter.... they use me too... my own mother...

Im waiting for wensday so I can get some H and... maybe just end it. Theres nothing left in me but hate. for my self, my family. I wish I could burn this whole world. I've started cutting my self for the first time just a few hours ago. I owe dealers an I have no desire to pay them, I have the means but I just dont give a fuck.
They can come try and take my money. I'd love nothing more than to kill these *snip* please refrain from racial slurs and other such remarks. We can't promote hate mongering! ~ Vaya

Im giving up, Im too weak to go on, there's no happiness to feel anymore. Thank u for reading this... I guess maybe goodbye then.
 
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I hope you don't wish to kill yourself, I think it's more like you want to kill the pain. Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm in recovery from drugs and can't say this honestly because I traded it for drinking.

You have a promising future. Stop selling yourself short and fuck the friends and family that only call you when they need something. Cut those people out of your life because they're draining you. The addiction is something you can beat. You just need to be ready for it. Sounds like you're ready.
 
it sounds to me like your a very intelligent person who's fallen victim to addiction, as we all have.

your not alone in your struggles. trust me. I've been to that place your at right now and it fuckin sucks, but you've got to keep your head up.

I quit my job awhile back(well I punched my boss in the mouth and he fires me but I consider that quitting) all because I was in this hole I had dug for myself and I just didn't give a fuck. idk if i'm being helpful here, but I feel you posting this thread is a cry for help and I Wana help. them people using you don't deserve your time or money. cut them off! please don't hurt yourself panda..

if you ever Wana talk or need someone to just listen pm me. I literally have no life after aquit my job so i'm always here.

keep your chin up panda! THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

-KING
 
Don't kill yourself man, it's just not worth it.

It sounds like you have it shit, I won't deny it. No doubt you feel the only possibility for a happier existence (or rather lack of existence) is topping yourself.

But please man I urge you to think about it and not go through with it. Depression ends man, i'm not just saying that it truly fucking does. I spent 2 crushing years stuck in a horrible depression, I spent all day fantasizing about drugs and suicide, I took whatever drugs I could find, I tried overdosing a bunch of times and probably would have shot myself had I a gun, hell I scratched my arms till they were raw and bloody sometimes just because it felt like a drug rush in a sick kind of way.

Not once did I think things were going to get better, not for a fucking minute. But now I can with 100% honesty say that things did get better. Sure it's a very, very gradual process and there are ups and downs along the way. But eventually you will find yourself at stage when the number of good days outweigh the bad days and life seems like a better place.

Hang in there man it's hard but it's entirely possible to pull through. And with your family, how does your mother use you? Is anyone in your family aware of how you feel currently? Though I didn't want to believe it at the time, my family really did help me out a lot when I was depressed and i'm grateful for that.

Also have you considered going on antidepressants? I took them while depressed and found that they did a lot of good for me.
 
everyone that wants to kill themselves hopes for the feeling of release....thats what i wished for when i tried to kill myself. My attempt failed.

im glad it did, because when you die, you feel nothing

that means you'll never get to feel the release of the pressure you so desperately want.

killing yourself is never the answer. i know your worth a lot more than that, and i dont even know you. You sound smart, and inclined in the field your in..so why give that up? you could be a fucking millionaire. Id give my left leg to have a gift like yours. Potential is only as good as the person who uses it man. use it.

If you ever wanna pm me, ill answer. and not just when its your payday =D
 
try not to get into the habit of self-harm. find some other forms of release.
i've got a lot of old scars on one arm that invite judgment and if i cared, i'd be pretty fucked.
it's pretty much a long sleeve/tattoo foundation situation and people will always associate it with being a "teenage", "emo", [insert other trite, embarrassing adjective] thing to do.
 
I think everyone here who replied to you has really hit the issue on its head...

First things first, toasted panda, you'll note by even a quick glance around this forum that you are hardly alone!

Now, practically, what should this simple truth even mean to you - you, in your abysmal situation?
Namely, that not only are there (legions of) others who have struggled with the seemingly insurmountable depths you appear to have found yourself subject to, but also the oft-overlooked truth that solutions do, in fact, exist; cam be effected; can produce results.

YOU, in your most unique way, are a survivor. Until this point, you have survived what most so simply -and regrettably - succumb to... Addiction. Depression. Apathy. These unique affective poisons have warped my own reality repeatedly in the past.my closest friends and, less subjectively, most formidable foes.

But I believe kingtweaker92 was right: You do seem like an intelligent person, and a person for whom suicide would only be a last resort - certainly not but for the sake of its simplicity, however.

Do you really want to die?
Are you confident you understand, to the fullest extent of its labyrinthine complexity, what it means to die?

Let us discuss this a little further before any tragic one-way flights are boarded, please!

Warmest regards,

~ Vaya
 
For starters I want to thank all you for listening to me, if I wasn't so... intoxicated I could feel enough to cry. And I want to appologize for any offensive racial comments I had made. For the record I'm not one to be racist... I just.. was angry In so many ways I suppose. This is so unfamiliar for me, to share how I feel. I keep so much to my self... here come the tears now,
not bad ones.... tears because you understand. Thank you.

To explain the situation with my mother, shes also an addict, and addicts use people... we use each other. Its the same with my "friends". That being said I partied a little with them at the Ice rink and had a good time.

One day I'll make my dreams happen, I listen to this stupid gangsta rap cause it motivates me.

I'm rambling, I'll elibrate more later.

Thanks again guys :)

Edit: Gotta get out vote tommorow and work more on my plans and hustle till I can leave this getto. And no I don't want to die, I want to shine... One day....
 
Still trying, still here so I guess I won some battle. Tonight the sky is clear and you can see the stars. I think she would have her tequilla, I would by her the the best, I would have budweiser. We both would have popped some xanax and opiates. Smoke a blunt of some medical. I would just hold her and look at the stars, they could crash down on us and it wouldn't matter. But I don't Melissa any more....
 
The fact that you didn't die shows you care about yourself, and you're watching out for yourself, and that's something you've gotta remember. Cutting is rough, I've been there. I just wanted to the numbness to end and would do anything to stop it. It did end, eventually, and now I look back and realize the struggle that it took to get through it okay. You've survived until now because you care, even if you don't always realize it. Things are gonna get better, no matter how much it feels like they won't sometimes.
 
I hear you man I get no enjoyment out of life and if i was not scared of what happens after death(ie the christian hell) I would just blow my head off and end it. In the long run it would save the the 9 people in this world who would be devasted.
Lol i dont even make it to double digits.

Btw though i wouldnt cut. People can't see the hundreds of really bad scars on me because of tattoos. It doesn't do any good though. Get drunk instead.
 
dont get drunk instead..then it turns into an alcohol addiction to mask the pain. Then instead of dieing, you slowly kill yourself by drinking away your brain and liver.

Find a healthy alternative. When i used to get depressed on my first time clean, id hit the gym fuckin hard. Harder than any normal day. Then i got home, and was too damn tired to care about shit, and went to bed.

find something you do, that makes you happy without hurting yourself
 
<3 toasted <3,
Every1 has pretty much said everything I was going to say.. Listen to these guys, there are some very intelligent people in TDS. ;)
Here, you're NOT alone, we do care, and as stated not on payday.
I do want to say again, please don't self mutilate..
Using is 1 thing, but plz plz don't cut.

Inbox is always clear bud, pm me anytime..
If u don't mind me asking..
Do u live w/ ur ma? Are you able to get away (move out)? Do u think, that would make u feel better @ all?

Sorry for what you're going through .
 
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