Kyrothedyno
Greenlighter
- Joined
- May 2, 2015
- Messages
- 6
Hey everyone,
I started abusing amphetamine about 8 months ago when I got my script. In fact I took 100 mg the first day I had it. Stupid, so incredibly stupid and selfish. It took about 5 months and then I overdosed and went to the hospital about to start convulsing. That didnt make me stop either, I ended up in the hospital about 6 more times over the course of this abuse. Eventually the doctors there told me if I overdosed again they were going to commit me to the psych ward for self harm. Scared me for a bit because I stopped using, canceled my next doctors appointment and took it easy. It got to the point where I was craving it so badly that I made another appointment and got another bottle a week ago. Id like to mention that other than the first time where I WAS in danger, it was all anxiety thinking I had overdosed again even though my doses never even came close to the 200 mg overdose the first time. Now that I am using again I feel so guilty and am afraid to take life on without this drug even though I know its causing me harm. Its like my mind has been divided into 2 parts, the part that wants to use and a part that knows its horrible and wont lead me to the success I believe i am capable of deep down. I used this drug to make music which worked for about 5 months until tolerance crept in. I lost my job and home due to the first phase of my abuse. I have a new job and home so thats taken care of.
Music has always been my goal in life and for about 4-5 months leading up to the abuse I was working out every other day and practicing music consistently. Now...things have gotten bad. I stopped working out as much and didnt eat well for months which has caused my physique to change drastically. I believe that I would be able to get back to my old self if I stopped using but this drug has stolen my confidence in making music and Im afraid I wont be able to make it anymore. Adderall made life so easy and I fucking hate it, its not reality for me it was this cheat code to get ahead. Im so afraid I wont be able to make music again if I stopped even though I made music for years before it wasnt until I used adderall that I got signed. Seeing as that I didnt get signed until adderall its almost like I dont own the accomplishment
I have been taking about 70-90 mg a day for the past week and it only produces mild effects. Id like to say to anyone starting to abuse this drug that it will lead to bad places and that it will rob you of yourself while you use. It doesnt seem worth it but I continue to take it even though I know its horrible. I get about 7 hours of sleep a night and I STILL have bags under my eyes. Even though I have been eating well and taking supplements my body is still getting worn down.
Any kind words out there? Do I have hope of continuing my music dream if I quit? I tried quitting before but there was no motivation to do anything. Funny thing, while using I can convince myself I'll be able to work hard when my script runs out but I know that Ill feel like hell. Just any kind words? I am feeling more lost than ever. I used to be a loving person always interested in making my friends feel valued but now I hardly have a personality. I dont want to hurt myself, I just want to feel like I dont need drugs to accomplish my dreams and to be happy. There are a couple factors that play into my abuse, like being sexually abused by my mother, grandfather, and uncle as a child. My mother killing herself, my room mate killing herself and a split from my family. My father has no idea that Ive been abusing and I know he cares so much, i have so much to be thankful for but Im still depressed. I want to feel good being me.
I started abusing amphetamine about 8 months ago when I got my script. In fact I took 100 mg the first day I had it. Stupid, so incredibly stupid and selfish. It took about 5 months and then I overdosed and went to the hospital about to start convulsing. That didnt make me stop either, I ended up in the hospital about 6 more times over the course of this abuse. Eventually the doctors there told me if I overdosed again they were going to commit me to the psych ward for self harm. Scared me for a bit because I stopped using, canceled my next doctors appointment and took it easy. It got to the point where I was craving it so badly that I made another appointment and got another bottle a week ago. Id like to mention that other than the first time where I WAS in danger, it was all anxiety thinking I had overdosed again even though my doses never even came close to the 200 mg overdose the first time. Now that I am using again I feel so guilty and am afraid to take life on without this drug even though I know its causing me harm. Its like my mind has been divided into 2 parts, the part that wants to use and a part that knows its horrible and wont lead me to the success I believe i am capable of deep down. I used this drug to make music which worked for about 5 months until tolerance crept in. I lost my job and home due to the first phase of my abuse. I have a new job and home so thats taken care of.
Music has always been my goal in life and for about 4-5 months leading up to the abuse I was working out every other day and practicing music consistently. Now...things have gotten bad. I stopped working out as much and didnt eat well for months which has caused my physique to change drastically. I believe that I would be able to get back to my old self if I stopped using but this drug has stolen my confidence in making music and Im afraid I wont be able to make it anymore. Adderall made life so easy and I fucking hate it, its not reality for me it was this cheat code to get ahead. Im so afraid I wont be able to make music again if I stopped even though I made music for years before it wasnt until I used adderall that I got signed. Seeing as that I didnt get signed until adderall its almost like I dont own the accomplishment
I have been taking about 70-90 mg a day for the past week and it only produces mild effects. Id like to say to anyone starting to abuse this drug that it will lead to bad places and that it will rob you of yourself while you use. It doesnt seem worth it but I continue to take it even though I know its horrible. I get about 7 hours of sleep a night and I STILL have bags under my eyes. Even though I have been eating well and taking supplements my body is still getting worn down.
Any kind words out there? Do I have hope of continuing my music dream if I quit? I tried quitting before but there was no motivation to do anything. Funny thing, while using I can convince myself I'll be able to work hard when my script runs out but I know that Ill feel like hell. Just any kind words? I am feeling more lost than ever. I used to be a loving person always interested in making my friends feel valued but now I hardly have a personality. I dont want to hurt myself, I just want to feel like I dont need drugs to accomplish my dreams and to be happy. There are a couple factors that play into my abuse, like being sexually abused by my mother, grandfather, and uncle as a child. My mother killing herself, my room mate killing herself and a split from my family. My father has no idea that Ive been abusing and I know he cares so much, i have so much to be thankful for but Im still depressed. I want to feel good being me.
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But as tempting as that was, I knew that it was not the authentic me in any way. I prefer to be the artist that I am meaning that my whole slow process, full of nasty habits like procrastination and low motivation and focus, are every bit as much part of it as my manic creative surges. My son experienced so much depression and flattening of his emotions, not to mention increased anxiety, sleeplessness and weight loss, after two months that he chose (and we as his parents chose) to discontinue any drug at all for ADD. The ADD mind is a very creative mind. You can learn to use it and make adaptations and strategies for the down sides.