dopa-fiend
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2014
- Messages
- 1
Hello, this is my first post. I made this account specifically to ask this question.
So basically I have had treatment resistant depression for a long time. I've been on a bunch of SSRI's, Wellbutrin, Abilify and some other drugs to get rid of my depression but none of them worked. So I was given Adderall for my depression.
Now imagine this. I hadn't had a positive thought or emotion in years. The only thoughts I had were sad ones, wishing I could just die, how I hated myself, how I was sick of life. I also had no energy because of the depression and could barely get out of bed in the morning because I just wanted to sleep and disappear from this earth.
Then comes the day when I took Adderall for the first time. All of a sudden I had positive thoughts about myself. I was happy with myself for once, I was optimistic and I was excited about life! I actually could not wait to get up in the morning and start my day because I felt rewarded by things, had optimistic and happy thoughts, and felt life was worth living! I thought my life was gonna change for the better.
But then I realized that all that was was artificial dopamine stimulation in the brain and I was back to my pessimistic, lethargic, depressed suicidal self when the amphetamine wore off. So I began taking more, because I had just experienced happiness for the first time in years and I wanted to experience more of it. It was like torture giving me happiness for the 8 hours of so Adderall lasted and then taking it away. I have always been an overachiever, and with Adderall I finally had the energy and drive that my depression devoids me of so this justified using it even more. And sure enough, it got to a point where I would have my pills waiting on top of my alarm clock and I would take 150mg a day just to avoid the depression that had ruled my life for so long.
It has been a couple years since that month when I would take Adderall every day, and I don't do drugs and try to live naturally. I exercise, eat right and see a therapist but I still am depressed.
Now here is the problem. Every time I have a bad thought (which is often) I reminisce on the times when I would never have these thoughts because of the Adderall. I spend and waste so much time thinking about how good and easier life was during the month when I wasn't depressed that I'll have conversations in my head with describing the effects of Adderall, how good it made me feel, or trying to imagine the self esteem boost, energy, motivation, etc. that the Adderall gave me. I just can't get my mind off the drug and that month and sometimes I even dream about it.
I just wanna be able to forget about Adderall and maybe eventually live a happy life naturally but I can't and wish I could just forget about how good it felt and stop thinking about it because it dominates my thoughts even though it has been two years.
So basically I have had treatment resistant depression for a long time. I've been on a bunch of SSRI's, Wellbutrin, Abilify and some other drugs to get rid of my depression but none of them worked. So I was given Adderall for my depression.
Now imagine this. I hadn't had a positive thought or emotion in years. The only thoughts I had were sad ones, wishing I could just die, how I hated myself, how I was sick of life. I also had no energy because of the depression and could barely get out of bed in the morning because I just wanted to sleep and disappear from this earth.
Then comes the day when I took Adderall for the first time. All of a sudden I had positive thoughts about myself. I was happy with myself for once, I was optimistic and I was excited about life! I actually could not wait to get up in the morning and start my day because I felt rewarded by things, had optimistic and happy thoughts, and felt life was worth living! I thought my life was gonna change for the better.
But then I realized that all that was was artificial dopamine stimulation in the brain and I was back to my pessimistic, lethargic, depressed suicidal self when the amphetamine wore off. So I began taking more, because I had just experienced happiness for the first time in years and I wanted to experience more of it. It was like torture giving me happiness for the 8 hours of so Adderall lasted and then taking it away. I have always been an overachiever, and with Adderall I finally had the energy and drive that my depression devoids me of so this justified using it even more. And sure enough, it got to a point where I would have my pills waiting on top of my alarm clock and I would take 150mg a day just to avoid the depression that had ruled my life for so long.
It has been a couple years since that month when I would take Adderall every day, and I don't do drugs and try to live naturally. I exercise, eat right and see a therapist but I still am depressed.
Now here is the problem. Every time I have a bad thought (which is often) I reminisce on the times when I would never have these thoughts because of the Adderall. I spend and waste so much time thinking about how good and easier life was during the month when I wasn't depressed that I'll have conversations in my head with describing the effects of Adderall, how good it made me feel, or trying to imagine the self esteem boost, energy, motivation, etc. that the Adderall gave me. I just can't get my mind off the drug and that month and sometimes I even dream about it.
I just wanna be able to forget about Adderall and maybe eventually live a happy life naturally but I can't and wish I could just forget about how good it felt and stop thinking about it because it dominates my thoughts even though it has been two years.
