reflection1988
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2018
- Messages
- 23
This is really long, so if you want to skip to the bottom I will get my point across.
I have had major depression and panic attacks/anxiety since I was 17. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. I am now 30. Despite being homeless at the age of 10, pregnant and giving birth at 16 with no parental support, I am shocked that I am where I am at today. I am happily married to my husband (and father of my child) and I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter. I have a nice big house, a fancy car, and a great job. I put myself through college and I have a Bachelors Degree in Nursing. My life is good. But I still suffer from mental illness, and I don't know why I am so depressed and anxious. It comes and goes, usually every 3-4 years. I have been in the mental hospital over 10 times in the last 13 years, and I tried to kill myself twice in 2013 by overdosing, which required me to be on life support. I detoxed off of benzos last December, but by February my panic attacks returned. It's like no matter what I do, I always end back up on medication. Sure I have abused benzos, I abused the shit out of them last year. It ended with me meeting a random stranger, staying in a hotel for 10 days and I ended up smoking crack. I detoxed and got my shit together, and my husband thankfully forgave me. So now I've been on Celexa 40mg daily and Klonopin 1mg three times a day since February. I spent over 2 years in therapy and it helped some, but I quit because I felt like it became stagnant.
So I started researching ADD, and it sounded exactly like me. So when I saw my psychiatrist I asked about it and he gave me some adderall 10mg IR twice a day. I knew nothing about it except that it's basically speed, highly addictive, and the IR pills last 4-6 hours. I started them last Wednesday. I took the prescribed dose and I did not sleep a wink despite benzos, ambien and trazadone. I though maybe it was because I napped in the day. The next day I took the prescribed 20mg dose, and again I did not sleep. I had to work Friday, so I took some extra. This is when I lost it. I kept feeling like I was going to fall over or die at work, so I just kept taking more adderall. I think I took a total of 120mg in a 24hr period. Obviously I did not sleep Friday night either, and I ended up in the ER so I could get medicine to make me go to sleep. Saturday I felt like super shit- crazy, severe muscle cramps, couldn't sleep etc. Sunday and today have been fine. I also fell asleep after my morning dose of Adderall on Sunday and Monday, which was really wierd. I saw my psychiatrist today and he said he thinks I went into mania. Of course I didn't tell him that I took a shit ton of pills, because I don't want him to stop seeing me. I really did take those pills at work because as a nurse working 12 hour shifts you can't just leave or fall over. I also know that I should have just called in that day and I regret going to work. I told my charge nurse I had a cold and she gave me easy stable patients. Anyways back to the point of this post. I feel like I am drowning in prescription medication. A pill to fix this, a pill to fix that. I open my medicine cabinet and there's at least 20 prescription bottles in there. I just turned 30!
I have done drugs, I have abused weed, cocaine, benzos, pain killers, lean and alcohol. I took 3 puffs and 3 snorts of meth once, and 3 days later I tried to kill myself. I also come from a family of drug addicts with severe mental illness. I just wish I could be normal. For some reason I feel guilty about taking the adderall. I have heard that it can treat anxiety- not directly but by boosting your mood and making you productive you will feel less anxious. That is why I asked for it. My psychiatrist increased my dose, without me even asking to 15mg IR twice a day. He said I shouldn't fall asleep after taking adderall. When I fell asleep I didn't take any benzos or anything. Maybe this isn't even the right place to post this. I decided that I would give adderall a good try, like 1-3 months, and if my anxiety and depression do not get better then I will stop it. But I also know myself, and I have a history of drug abuse, and benzos and amphetamines can be an extremely slippery slope if I am not careful. I do not abuse benzos anymore. They do not make me high or anything. They make my panic attacks go away, and 0.5mg keeps me chill all day long. I recently reduced my prescription to 2mg daily instead of 3, so I am doing better with the benzos. But my depression is really bad. I never want to do anything, ever. I don't have any friends, I have 2 sisters but one of them hates me so I have 1, my brother blew his head off when he was 21 9 years ago, and my mom is nice now but she's still crazy. Haven't seen nor do I want to see my dad since my brothers funeral. I also had a gastric sleeve in July so I can barely eat any food, and now with the adderall I can barely eat at all. I feel like I'm a burden to my husband because he is always worried about me and he has to deal with me when I panic or end up in the ER because I think I'm dying or whatever ridiculousness I bring to him. Anyone have any similar experience in regards to why you are taking adderall? I do have ADD, but I am trying it more or less for the hope that it will help my depression and anxiety.
BOTTOM LINE: I started adderall a week ago, had a manic episode, and I am taking adderall as a trial to treat depression and anxiety. I have taken every antidepressant that exists, along with every benzo, atarax, buspar, gabapentin etc. I am prescribed 15mg IR twice a day. I am scared that I will get addicted. I have read a lot of horror stories.
I have had major depression and panic attacks/anxiety since I was 17. I come from an extremely dysfunctional family. I am now 30. Despite being homeless at the age of 10, pregnant and giving birth at 16 with no parental support, I am shocked that I am where I am at today. I am happily married to my husband (and father of my child) and I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter. I have a nice big house, a fancy car, and a great job. I put myself through college and I have a Bachelors Degree in Nursing. My life is good. But I still suffer from mental illness, and I don't know why I am so depressed and anxious. It comes and goes, usually every 3-4 years. I have been in the mental hospital over 10 times in the last 13 years, and I tried to kill myself twice in 2013 by overdosing, which required me to be on life support. I detoxed off of benzos last December, but by February my panic attacks returned. It's like no matter what I do, I always end back up on medication. Sure I have abused benzos, I abused the shit out of them last year. It ended with me meeting a random stranger, staying in a hotel for 10 days and I ended up smoking crack. I detoxed and got my shit together, and my husband thankfully forgave me. So now I've been on Celexa 40mg daily and Klonopin 1mg three times a day since February. I spent over 2 years in therapy and it helped some, but I quit because I felt like it became stagnant.
So I started researching ADD, and it sounded exactly like me. So when I saw my psychiatrist I asked about it and he gave me some adderall 10mg IR twice a day. I knew nothing about it except that it's basically speed, highly addictive, and the IR pills last 4-6 hours. I started them last Wednesday. I took the prescribed dose and I did not sleep a wink despite benzos, ambien and trazadone. I though maybe it was because I napped in the day. The next day I took the prescribed 20mg dose, and again I did not sleep. I had to work Friday, so I took some extra. This is when I lost it. I kept feeling like I was going to fall over or die at work, so I just kept taking more adderall. I think I took a total of 120mg in a 24hr period. Obviously I did not sleep Friday night either, and I ended up in the ER so I could get medicine to make me go to sleep. Saturday I felt like super shit- crazy, severe muscle cramps, couldn't sleep etc. Sunday and today have been fine. I also fell asleep after my morning dose of Adderall on Sunday and Monday, which was really wierd. I saw my psychiatrist today and he said he thinks I went into mania. Of course I didn't tell him that I took a shit ton of pills, because I don't want him to stop seeing me. I really did take those pills at work because as a nurse working 12 hour shifts you can't just leave or fall over. I also know that I should have just called in that day and I regret going to work. I told my charge nurse I had a cold and she gave me easy stable patients. Anyways back to the point of this post. I feel like I am drowning in prescription medication. A pill to fix this, a pill to fix that. I open my medicine cabinet and there's at least 20 prescription bottles in there. I just turned 30!
I have done drugs, I have abused weed, cocaine, benzos, pain killers, lean and alcohol. I took 3 puffs and 3 snorts of meth once, and 3 days later I tried to kill myself. I also come from a family of drug addicts with severe mental illness. I just wish I could be normal. For some reason I feel guilty about taking the adderall. I have heard that it can treat anxiety- not directly but by boosting your mood and making you productive you will feel less anxious. That is why I asked for it. My psychiatrist increased my dose, without me even asking to 15mg IR twice a day. He said I shouldn't fall asleep after taking adderall. When I fell asleep I didn't take any benzos or anything. Maybe this isn't even the right place to post this. I decided that I would give adderall a good try, like 1-3 months, and if my anxiety and depression do not get better then I will stop it. But I also know myself, and I have a history of drug abuse, and benzos and amphetamines can be an extremely slippery slope if I am not careful. I do not abuse benzos anymore. They do not make me high or anything. They make my panic attacks go away, and 0.5mg keeps me chill all day long. I recently reduced my prescription to 2mg daily instead of 3, so I am doing better with the benzos. But my depression is really bad. I never want to do anything, ever. I don't have any friends, I have 2 sisters but one of them hates me so I have 1, my brother blew his head off when he was 21 9 years ago, and my mom is nice now but she's still crazy. Haven't seen nor do I want to see my dad since my brothers funeral. I also had a gastric sleeve in July so I can barely eat any food, and now with the adderall I can barely eat at all. I feel like I'm a burden to my husband because he is always worried about me and he has to deal with me when I panic or end up in the ER because I think I'm dying or whatever ridiculousness I bring to him. Anyone have any similar experience in regards to why you are taking adderall? I do have ADD, but I am trying it more or less for the hope that it will help my depression and anxiety.
BOTTOM LINE: I started adderall a week ago, had a manic episode, and I am taking adderall as a trial to treat depression and anxiety. I have taken every antidepressant that exists, along with every benzo, atarax, buspar, gabapentin etc. I am prescribed 15mg IR twice a day. I am scared that I will get addicted. I have read a lot of horror stories.