This is a touchy subject for me, in that it's still so uncertain for me what exactly my reasons are. I don't even know if I have any specific reasons why I may use drugs. I'm ADHD for sure. But I never knew until after a couple years of amphetamine and methylphenidate (mostly adderall though) use, and at times abuse. I was never one to snort it. I was never one to try to get "all fucked up"; though, I may have been at times. But you want to know how I spent most of that time I was under the influence? The very vast majority was sat in front of my computer writing, reading, in photoshop. I was expanding my mind. I feel like if I hadn't been exposed to adderall that one summer after the police took all the computers out of my house - long story, search warrant for my brother, they went beyond their legal rights but I didn't know any better at the time. I was still inexperienced with weed at the time, I was ignorant. Ever since that first day, trying to snort the little beads from an XR, I knew I had just started by trip down the rabbit hole. I swallowed that red pill - to reference the Matrix - and saw a glimpse of how deep it really was.
But it's crazy. I feel like I've grown as an individual because of that adderall use. It overwhelmed all other drug use. Hell, it overwhelmed a major part of my life for a while. I was addicted and very unwilling to admit it - though, I told myself such every day. End of high school comes, and I'm forced to go sober starting at the beginning of summer. Ever since that period of my life, that transition time, I feel like I've been different. I don't have the same motivation and drive that I once felt - that awesome invigoration of your senses (such acute hearing and sharpness to your vision). I'm no longer very impressed by the drug, I've become for lack of a better word - bored. Though I continue to take it now legitimately - for the past two years been prescribed 40mg/day, but I take 5-10mg at most; if I even take any at all.
I feel like a lot of the things I learned during that period are faintly remembered. They are lost in the depths of a very unorganized encoding of information during that period. I was getting to the point where my reading at night - hours on end (For example, and really no other better example, but it got to the point where I'd have to go into the bathroom to do my business and the entire time I'd be more concerned about digging through the drawers to find something interesting to read. I read everything) that my working memory was starting to become impaired.
I really feel like amphetamine changed my life - in what way, I'm not really sure yet. I feel like I may have sacrificed some aspect of my physical well being and growth during that period because I was using the drug the way I was. I took it a little too far. But I'm a better person now. I'm very self-aware. I'm much more confident in my intellectual abilities as a result. But I think the most glaring thing that's been the most positive is that it reverses this trend that I get into sometimes where I just do nothing. I can't explain it, but I go through days somehow getting abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING done. Like I will sometimes walk around my place open the fridge, close it, and just do all kinds of random shit. I'm very conscious of all the reasons why I do such things. But I still do them. I just get lost in thought.
I feel like my ADHD pushes people away. I feel like I want too much to be going on at once, or I just want that silence, I have these polar personalities (not bipolar, but just like I have two main states of mind). I have on one hand this very outgoing, funny, creative, somewhat sexist side of me. And on the other you got this withdrawn into thought, not very quick with conversations socially (like I just don't have anything to say and I force things because I draw blanks), but very intellectual too. I used to have a major problem correcting things all the time, I've cut back thankfully.
But I think the thing overall that's the worry for me now is this: socialization with ADHD. I've always found it hard to convey exactly what I was trying to say to other people. I think so abstractly and without words that I just can't translate it. And as a result often times I get bored extremely quickly of people and situations - which is in some parts due to anxiousness, but most often simply boredom - so I tend to get myself out of social situations most times simply because of this boredom. It's like I'd somehow rather be doing something I can do whenever like watching a movie or whatever, than have some beer at the pool. I feel so lost with this affliction because I feel like I know the answer to all these questions, or find of quickly figure what's about to be said. And I get bored. I'm able to read people extremely well, as in get into their heads, I'm trying to be a neurologist so I should be able to. But as a result, I just lost interest. It's like a baby realizing that trick you did with your thumb is fake; so he no longer laughs. It's like I've noticed how everyone's so fucking indifferent, how they are all supportive of these bullshit tasteless qualities in life - not because of subjective personal ownership of such beliefs but because of everyone else.
I'm in my world just letting time go by. I'm still waiting for a reason. I used to believe I may have been given a purpose to do something great - to be remembered - but I lost faith in that. I lost faith in God. So in many ways I feel like this ADHD has led me down a whole grand new undetermined path in life; but in others, I wish I had never been given it. I wish I could be just like everyone else, a sheep. But no, I had to be given the power of insight; there aren't any surprises in life. I know what's going to happen everyday. Everything that people my age are supposed to consider fun, getting completely shitfaced, I just don't like very much; so I find myself out here on the edge.
Sorry for the ramble.
).
