Actually concerned about this for the first time

[Tryptamind]

Hey everyone, over the past 7-8 years I have had very bad on and off depression, I usually go through a wave of depression for 8 months of the year on average, and its usually pretty bad, a little bit of cutting, suicidal thoughts, just bad thoughts and no ambition or drive or motivation in general. However, I've became really happy after my last wave ended after a terrible breakup with an ex girlfriend. But now, as usual, i'm starting to fall back into the habits of cutting and suicide is on my mind constantly, but its different this time.

Usually I'm completely aware of what's going on, and I know the thoughts are just thoughts and the cuts are just an odd expression of the sadness, but the difference now is, there is no sadness. I think of suicide of a completely viable option to just end everything, but there is not any reason behind it, I have an odd feeling of complete control over my entire life I guess. It's very hard to explain but I'm trying lol. I am not taking it seriously at all, I'm very nonchalant about it and the people around me are completely aware that I am completely open to the idea of killing myself if I deem it necessary. And it's not that i'm going to kill myself, its more like having comfort in knowing that I always can, and I know I am willing to do it. But beyond that, I have been cutting myself, but not for reasons of sadness, or emptiness, but because I have developed an odd attachment to physical pain it causes, it's pleasure to me. I love the feeling, and I know this is not normal, this is completely opposite of the reason I used to cut myself and have suicidal thoughts, its almost as thought they are primal. I do see a psychiatrist regularly and was on 30mg Mirtazipine(remoren) for a few months, and then I stopped dosing it about 2 months ago. I'm just very worried that all this is because of something deeper that I just don't realize, and I'm living a normal happy life now actually, but all this is happening in the scenery. I just would like to hear some peoples thoughts and opinions on it, because of all the shit I have been through in my life, I have never been as scared of myself as I am right now, I feel like my actions are completely unpredictable and I don't know how to deal with it.

 

[blowjay]

Dude don't hurt yourself or kill yourself. We all get to that point over something every once in a while. I will keep talking just gotta get in a response.

 

[blowjay]

Sorry I'm tripping and its a little intense, yeah I know how you feel sometimes, I get that way when I drink too much or just think too much. Just gotta step back and have some laughs and try to think happy. Thats all I can say. Sadness won't help anything at all just laugh at stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdRo2NJJcUU

 

[Tryptamind]

thats the thing there isnt any sadness, its all very odd to me, i don't know whats causing me to do these things and think this way, because its not stemming from sadness like it used to, its just stemming from me as a person or something, almost like a primal urge

 

[molly897]

as a cutter for two years, don't do it. it really is a sign of weakness and i will never do it again just because of that. i did though this summer a few times and hated myself more than i did before for it. i'm passed it now believe me if you cut yourself it is not the end of the world, it really just doesn't help. and looks ugly as fuck.

your life has meaning whether you not know that now there is a reason you still exist killing yourself and cutting yourself go hand in hand as pointless, you have no idea what you'd leave behind in your time of hurt. it's just not worth it because your life will be so different this time next MONTH. next week even. the depression does go away once you start looking at life as a joke instead of an already planned out fate

 

[das_feuer]

...I do see a psychiatrist regularly and was on 30mg Mirtazipine(remoren) for a few months, and then I stopped dosing it about 2 months ago. I'm just very worried that all this is because of something deeper that I just don't realize, and I'm living a normal happy life now actually, but all this is happening in the scenery. I just would like to hear some peoples thoughts and opinions on it, because of all the shit I have been through in my life, I have never been as scared of myself as I am right now, I feel like my actions are completely unpredictable and I don't know how to deal with it.

Why did you stop taking your medication? You know that you need to stay on your medications if you want your symptoms to go away and the quality of your life to improve. Also, suddenly stopping your medications without proper medical supervision is dangerous to your health. Suicidal ideation is not healthy. Cutting is not healthy. Suffering crippling depression for eight months out of the year, and not being able to pin it on something as a cause is a definite warning sign if a serious mental health issue that needs to be treated. Generally speaking, and put in the simplest of terms, the longer serious mental health issues go untreated the worse they become over time and the more treatment resistant they become over time.

Also, you probably need to see a therapist as well as a psychiatrist, and you should probably start seeing a therapist once weekly for quite a while until things improve. Ask your psychiatrist to refer you to a therapist.

 

[Tryptamind]

thanks for your thoughts everyone,

das feuer - thats whats scaring me, im scared that im developing something really crazy in my brain and i dont know what it is or what to do about it