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Active/Recovery Drug Addict Venting Thread - Nihilism rules.

w0w0mg

w0w0mg

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 4, 2015
Messages
848
Location
In Jail, NC
I don't understand why when we get so close to achieving something, we like to throw it all away.
I have been having crippling anxiety and depression lately, and I tend to fall into the rabbit hole.
My issue is that, AA/NA meetings just haven't been helping lately. I was pink clouding for the first few weeks,
but now it's just getting to hard to bare. I am starting back to college after 7 years and all I have been obsessing about
is that check in the mail. I have had some slip-ups, doing xanax here and there, sometimes trying to attempt to catch a buzz
by taking huge doses of gabapentin, but nothing too bad. I feel like though it's only a matter of time where I will go back to
IVing heroin daily if this cycle continues. Honestly though, I am not scared if that happens. I am starting to welcome it.
I feel like if I go back, I know it will fuck up everything I have worked for but I will finally have that sense of bliss.
That feeling of being gone into oblivion, even if it's just for a short while.

Simple tasks have become struggles for me.
I have no ambition anymore, nothing that makes me happy.
I am starting to destroy my relationship with my girlfriend because I just don't care anymore.
I care about nothing, I won't commit suicide or anything in that nature but still, it's starting to really get bad.

I have dabbled back and forth on Kratom, maybe once or twice a week which I know would eventually lead to worse.
If I had money right now I know I would get heroin and go off to the races.
I just don't understand, I have no reason to think like this because things are picking up in life but I still just feel like there's no point.

I'm just venting I guess. I am wondering if anyone else feels this way.
Maybe I should just say fuck it and go use. I don't know.
I'm thinking about just violating my probation and go serve my 2 year sentence, even though I only have 2 months left.

My mind is all fucked up, I think about violence a lot, I have rage, If I see someone happy I want to beat them with a bat.
Even if I stay clean, I would go to school, work some shit-end job, go home, and repeat.
That's what life is. Just a cycle of misery. Why not at least get high and only experience misery when you're out of dope and dope sick.

Dammmnnn... Life's a bitch, then we die.

This is now a venting thread for all active and recovering drug addicts.
 
Absolutely, I never found NA to be even slightly helpful. I'm not knocking it, loads of people get loads out of it, but it just ain't for me.

Wowomg, I read your other thread about the shitty thing that happened to you, that really does patently suck. No wonder you feel like falling off the wagon back into a temporary but wonderful abyss. Trouble is it's way too temporary and not that wonderful, and you know that. Why did you quit it all in the first place? Surely you don't want to get back into going back round and round that same old ever decreasing circle for the sake of temporary relief.
 
I do go to a therapist, but it's more like a bitching session for an hour and that's that.

As for the reason why I quit, you're right, I was sick and tired of always being sick and tired,
but for some reason, I just want that moment of peacefulness regardless the end results.
It's a messed up mentality, but I'm just so damn tired of always feeling like this.
I just want to feel good for a few hours to get some peace from the chaos that runs thru my head.
 
its tough man and personally I don't see the point in being absolutely fucking miserable just so we can stay clean? Na Im sorry but I don't want to be hating every second of my life, thats why I gave up when I was in your spot, Its just not worth it being miserable, the depression is too crippling and I wasn't going to wait years for it to go away...

I think I seen in some of your past posts you have tried methadone and subs maintenance? why not go back on whichever worked better? thats what I did... its better than being miserable and using, why don't you at least try if you can to get back on one of them because fuck living life the way you are living now, its just not worth it
 
Abstinence is never a good excuse to be absolutely fucking miserable, couldn't agree more!!!

Sobriety is a state being, not necessarily a state of abstinence.
 
True that. But getting fucked up won't change that misery beyond an hour or few. It'll paper over the cracks, but those cracks will then widen. It'll be back to square one in no time. I've always been amazed just how far I've been able to fall when I already thought I'd hit rock bottom. Turns out rock bottom is full of ledges and unknown chasms that are darker than anything I could have imagined.
 
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The whole idea of rock bottom is flawed. There is no bottom but death. Either that or where ever you find yourself right now is your perpetual bottom.

See what I mean, the idea makes no sense unless you already feel like shit about yourself (and albeit, many of us do, it's just unhealthy and the whole idea of rock bottom doesn't do anything to help the issue become any healthier).
 
Yeah, I getcha. My point is that taking a nihilistic attitude it's very easy to find yourself in a far worse place, when you started out in a terrible place to begin with. Like you say - it's all a state of mind, and self destruction doesn't tend to help make life appear rosier.
 
The nihilistic mind is a state of trance - and not the good kind either! It is up their with the trance of shame, very self destructive, but when we are in it all we can help but to do is embrace is in hopes of finding a way out before we literally self destruct.

We do the best we can. Such is life.
 
W0w0mg - I can relate to what you're talking about and struggled with those issues myself in early recovery. Doing drugs gives us easy access to a quick dopamine releases, and after living with that instant gratification it takes time to be able to experience joy like regular people. You have trained your brain to only acknowledge extreme dopamine responses and you're used to getting them whenever you want them and regular life for most of us just doesn't provide those dopamine responses multiple times a day.

What I did to help with the boredom and depression of early recovery was to sign up for activities. I golf and ballroom dance. Do they provide that rush - no, but they fill up time and allow me to interact with other healthy people and they give me something else to focus on. At first they were kind of boring, but within a month I began looking forward to them. Part of getting healthy is to enjoy and be grateful to the pleasures that you can enjoy. It's trial and error, keep trying new things and see what you like. The boredom is temporary- I wanted to give up several times but really didn't want the pain of active addiction. I'm really glad I didn't give up - I have two years clean and now I have several activities that I genuinely enjoy and look forward to.

Do you remember when you felt joy as kid - you weren't waiting to shoot up - you did things that gave you pleasure. A very important part of early recovery is relearning who you were, and getting back to being that person. You're in a good location - there's a lot to do in Greenville and you're close to Raleigh and other areas - take advantage of your location.
Congrats btw on starting school back up!

Also, if you do decide to use again go back and reread all your previous threads and soberly consider what you were feeling when you typed those ;)
 
Moreaux said:
Do you remember when you felt joy as kid - you weren't waiting to shoot up - you did things that gave you pleasure. A very important part of early recovery is relearning who you were, and getting back to being that person.
Click to expand...

I think there is so much power in this--remembering your authentic self without all the layers that get piled on as we "grow up". As a little kid you did not need to think about what you did--you were engaged with things out of a true interest and curiosity. If someone had offered you oblivion at that stage of your life you would have thought that was ridiculous. You can't ever go back to being that way completely but you can try to unlearn some of the unhealthy and self-defeating mind sets that you have picked up along the way (for most of us that is usually fear of failure, fatalism, etc).
 
I've been reading a lot lately about Borderline Personality Disorder and DBT as a treatment that has some success.

Something to look into since you are seeing a therapist and not getting the level of help that you want and need.

You mention several of the indicators. Not saying you have this, but looking into BPD might open some treatment doors for you.

Substance abuse gives that immediate relief that is so desperately needed but it is only temporary and causes so many other negative consequences (I know you intellectually already know that). You have come so far wOw, remember your hand? Things aren't great, but there is more help out there for you. Keep looking and learning about yourself and your life can get better. You have survived some bad stuff and had some near misses. You are supposed to be here. <3
 
Sounds like your right at about to use in the addiction cycle.

Your thinking has changed and your remembering active addiction as pleasurable and desirable.

It's not.. the "memories" your having are a fantasy and do not accurately represent what happened in the past. At best they are a picture where all the negative has been removed and the positive is greatly inflated.

Remember being sick.. Remember being desperate.. Remember being a slave.. Remember having to take something all the time just to try and feel worse than you do right now. Remember being itchy.. Remember the depression.. Remember to endless stream of emotionless blah days totally wasted using.. Remember how awful active addiction is.

Don't fall for it your getting played.

If your taking a full load at school you may be really sorry. The brain is like a muscle and we need to work it out for it to be in shape.

Given where you are at with your addiction I would be really concerned that jumping into a full load after seven years off will set you up for failure. If you fail or really struggle you will encounter severe stress and anxiety which will push hard for you to use.

I'd would start out part time with only like six credits and get your brain back into shape.

Are you exercising,
 
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How are you doing w0w0mg? Been thinking about you - drop in and give us an update when you get a moment. Hope all is well!
 
I'm in the exact same place. [FONT=Helvetica Neue, HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]I want to kill myself all the time.. all the time.. except I don’t have the courage to do it. Not looking for cheering up nor advice just venting.. I’m sick and tired of battling with my inner demons.. I just want to fall into oblivion.. and fuck I miss heroin for that.. but no.. I won’t go back to that craving cycle again.. I can’t afford an addiction.. but seriously I don’t have any energy, motivation nor ambitions anymore.. it’s just one big fat nothingness.. it all amounts to nothing in the end.. utterly pointless.. only I’m not 100% ok with that.. because I know or I have been told I have “potential” but I don’t give a fuck tbh because what are the measures for success really? fuck that fuck recognition.. fuck it all.. it’s all bullshit.. it’s all about self-worth and that image is pretty distorted and damaged beyond repair to begin with.. as a result of years and years of mistreatment.. don’t’ get me wrong I’m not looking for sympathy.. there’s nothing I loathe more than playing out the role of the victim.. screw that victim mentality.. I pity those who fall into that trap.. because it’s so easy for me play that role and point fingers at everyone for my mental fucked up-ness starting with my parents, men, etc etc except I’m not a victim and I refuse to be one.. fuck I can be so self-centered and narcissistic sometimes.. It must be the bpd (borderline personality disorder) fucking us up. I have no advice there buddy, I've grown skeptic of the entire pharmacological industry and I see no point in getting therapy either.. [/FONT]
 
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