Acceptance

Prior to going into treatment in August of 2009 I stopped taking my antidepressants (Paxil). I had been taking them since 1993 and truly felt that I was perhaps misdiagnosed. I haven't taken any since.

Since that time I was clean for 9 months and 25 days decided to use again and was deep into my addiction for a few months. I now have 17 months and 26 days clean and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Finally, at 41 years of age, I feel somewhat comfortable in my own skin. For the most part...

I've noticed that I have no interest in those things I once enjoyed. The ambivalence and general apathy has been progressing. Lately, I find myself struggling to get out of bed and, once I do manage to get up, I simply relocate to the sofa.

Thoughts of suicide have been quite frequent. These are just thoughts but they are reminiscent of thinking patterns I used to have and I don't like it.

I find myself believing fantastical scenarios that I create in my head. I KNOW they are bullshit but I accept them as truths.

So now I have a new reality I need to face. Its time to go back on antidepressants. The results were positive last time but the side affects were intolerable. I guess I need to learn how to tolerate them in order to live normally.

My plan is to try St. John's Wort prior to diving into the realm of a pharmaceutical solution. I'll give this stuff a month but, I gotta say, I'm skeptical.

I hate that this is necessary but there is no avoiding it. I see no real purpose in anything and that's a problem that needs to be addressed no matter what.

Consequences can be harsh sometimes but I was the one who fucked with my brain's chemistry so I need to accept it, work on a solution and move the fuck on.

 

Could you not try a different SSRI? Some have less side effects. Or a trycilic?

 

Tricyclics are, from what I recall from my reading a decade or so ago (so take with a hefty grain of salt), rife with side effects. If you're going to go onto an anti-d again, maybe try something other than paxil? Are you under the care of a psychiatrist, or would it just be a GP prescribing these to you? I'd recommend at least a couple of sessions with the former, if you're able to; they can offer a (hypothetically) better-informed (usually) opinion on which meds to try, in which order.

Regardless, the fact that you're even close to feeling comfortable in your skin is amazing. I'm only just starting to get there myself, so I appreciate the amount of work it takes to even make small progress in that direction.

 

I'm on nortryptiline and only get some mild dizziness.

 

Thanks for the input, guys.

Paxil is on my "do not take no matter what" list.

I took St. John's Wort today but have decided to abandon that route. I just can't afford to wait on results from something that hasn't proven to be effective. So...

I was speaking with someone that has my best interest at heart and whose opinion I value (he's the Director of a treatment facility, knowledgeable and humble). He gave me the number of an addictionologist (whatever that is). This person is also a qualified psychiatrist.

I don't have health coverage but am currently in a position where I can afford to pay out of pocket for an appointment and a prescription.

I'm going to make an appointment this week and look into medicinal options.

I've heard good things about Celexa and Wellbutrin but will follow the directions of this medical professional.

All I know is that the positive things I'm currently doing (not using, exercising regularly, eating healthy) arent good enough. They're definitely good but it's just not enough.

I didn't get clean to be apathetic so now it's up to me to do something about it.

I hate that I have to take meds but it's a reality I need to embrace.

I really appreciate your input!

 

I know how you feel. It really does suck to be on meds all the time, but it is in the intrest of your health both mental and physical. Trust me, it took me a long time to accept the same thing. Don't even get me started on if i ever want kids!

 

it can take a lot of trial and error to find a medication that is right for you. i'd definitely suggest to combine the meds with therapy to get the optimal effect. keep us updated and let us know how you're doing.

 

I agree with you about the Paxil, never take that stuff again -- it made me a drooling, puking, no-libido, sleepy mess! Besides all the gastro stuff, it made me suicidally depressed and scared me away from ALL anti-depressants for going on over 3 years now... Paxil was the first med I gave a real TRY and it completely made things worse!

You know what you need to do, do it!