Absolutely exhausted :(

[effie]

Hey TDS,

Not been in here for a while, since I sadly had to step down as mod as there was too much going on in my personal life.. had an awful day today and I don't know what to do so I've come back. Missed this place!

Sorry, this is a little tl;dr.

My phone was stolen. It sounds small but at the time I was devastated as it had hundreds of texts from Dave, my boyfriend who died last summer, on it. I thought I'd lost it in my flat though and I didn't cancel the sim like I usually would as I was really hoping it would turn up. I've also not been thinking straight.. ever since he died really, but especially this past month - a close friend of mine died a few weeks back of a heroin OD, which was just awful, and I've been having to get back to work after being off for 7 months for various reasons - partly financial, but partly in an attempt to give myself something worth living for again.

Anyway, I didn't cancel it and someone stole it and ran up a bill for £800 which was removed from my account today. I'd just been paid; that is all of my money. I have £10. I've not paid rent or bills. And because I didn't report the phone as stolen a month ago the company are under no obligation to cover it at all. I've obviously also lost all the texts.

On top of that, the council have decided I owe them £900 - I claimed housing benefit 3 years ago, for 3 months, when I was off work with depression. All entirely legitimate. Yet they have sent a debt collector after me - I had a bailiff turn up at my door today wanting to take my things. I had to hide.

I've spent all day throwing up with a stomach bug and have been off work, but work seem to think this is an excuse and actually I'm not fit to be back. It's not that at all, although I must admit things are hard now - but I love my job and it is all I have really. Plus I've been on part time wages for months now and my parents have already been supporting my hugely - I owe them hundreds, probably thousands. I am 28. It was my birthday at the weekend. My parents do not have much spare money and my mum's just taken on extra work because of the money they are having to spend on me.

On top of all of this, worse than it all, I miss Dave so much it is unreal and it is getting worse not better. I live alone in the flat we shared and I barely go out, I rarely see anyone. It's an absolute state - I don't just mean a mess, i mean mouldy things, everything I own is dirty, I probably gave myself food poisoning rather than it being a tummy bug. Can't remember the last time I changed the bedding or did any laundry. I just sit here and I am too ashamed to have any friends round. I don't let them in if they come. I went out for my birthday, but other than that not been out really in.. months. I am so.. mortified by this, how can I not even be able to keep on top of basic housework? I've lost so much weight, partly because I don't get hungry and partly cos the kitchen is just so horrible hah. Plus Dave always used to cook for us.

The last 7 months have been absolute hell, I've tried to kill myself a couple of times although I really would not want to put anyone through this (although sometimes I think - why must I suffer so no one else has to? But I know that's absurd and selfish hah) I've slipped up with drugs, been IVing, fucked my wrist up, made myself so ill. Not done that in a while but it is always there in the back of my mind now. Or the front, if I am honest.

I try to be perky and count my blessings and see the positive side but I am just so exhausted now. In the last12 months Dave developed psychosis, we had major money worries, I was off work with depression, he died (obv the biggest by far), had months of hell, ruined my laptop (sounds so ridiculous but it really isolated me as I live alone), lost my phone, had my pay stopped and had to fight to get it reinstated, nearly had to move out, one of my best friends died, struggled to get back to work and now this.

I am also really worried about a friend who is sinking into heroin addiction and prostitution, and I don't know what to do to help her. I don't think I can do anything right now

I don't know what to do. I don't think I have ever felt so hopeless. I know this is just money and in the grand scheme of things it is unimportant, but it is the last straw.. and I have this horrible feeling now that this will always happen - things will always fuck up, kick me down when I try to get up, and what is the point of trying anymore. I know it is irrational, but I can't shake it. I'm really scared one of these days I am just not going to be able to try anymore

Sorry this is more of a blog thing I guess but am really desperate and I don't know what to do to get back on track. Tried to see people more, get back to work, been to therapy, but I still end up here

And on a more practical note, what the fuck do I do? Hoping I can get the money back from the phone company and sort the council thing, but what if I don't? Even if I do, how do I live in the meantime? I can't move out, I'd lose my job, but got no way of supporting myself on zero money. Not paid again for weeks, and that's only if I manage to carry on at work.

Fuck.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Oh effie
My heart aches for your pain. I so badly wish there was something, anything, I could do to help you.
In the last 12 months you have been through more than anyone should have to go through in their entire lifetime. It's not fair, but you are going to get through this. You're still here, and there is a damn good reason for that. It's because you are so strong and you have so much more love and energy to offer the world. I know you can't see it right now but there WILL come a time when you're happy again. It's worth it to stick around for that, as much as it hurts in the meantime. May I suggest that you keep trying with the therapy?? I know it's hard, and very painful, but it's also a really good opportunity to release your thoughts and emotions which as you know is really important. Also, can you go back to your parents place for a little while?

So much love to you sweetheart, please take care of yourself

 

[VanWeyden]

That's really really tough. Although we don't know each other well your words make me want to come around and give you a big fat hug... that's just more than a person can take and you may notice that I lack the words, but it's not just what happened to you but how you cope with this. You lost two beloved ones and I read here and there how you were/are struggling to move on or rather just keep going, and you keep going. You kept your job, you went to work, you even care for a friend that is in a bad place right now. It's more than understandable that you aren't in touch with keeping your money together and keeping your flat tidy, and that makes it even harder. But in the end the only thing that matters is you. And you're still alive. It will take a lot of time and hardship, but you can overcome that.

If the phone company doesn't agree on covering part of the bill, maybe you can arrange installments with them. Is there any place you can get food etc. cheaper, like for people in need? Maybe talk to a social worker or sth.? That might be a huge step, but your situation is really exceptional and everyone would understand that you are on the ropes right now.

Wish you the best!!!!

 

[RedLeader]

Did you already hand over the money to the phone company? I get the impression that you did, but if you have not yet, then there are things you can still try in order to avoid that payment. Often times, people will tell you that there's nothing you can do because they don't want to be bothered having to go through the process that is actually helping you.

I'm going to tell you two things that you probably don't want to hear, but at the same time know are truths. (1) You need to stop drinking and drugging and (2) you need to get up, leave the house, and keep yourself busy. With regard to (1), I know that you've got a good 'drug education' and know HR front-to-back and whatnot, well better than most of us at that, but you cannot let this enable you. And I'm afraid that you're doing just that. You're missing the whole "moderation" idea, which is probably the hardest part of responsible drug use to stick to. As well, look at what happened with Dave, with your friend who died, and now with your friend hooked on heroin - the more you keep using, the more you're going to be reminded of those sad stories (given the common theme and all) and the more you'll get down on yourself because you'll feel like a hypocrite.

With (2), the first step is really the hardest one to take. Home is comfortable, out in the world is not, I understand that. But are you really comfortable being absolutely miserable at home? Really, at worst you're just exchanging one form of discomfort for another, and at best you're giving yourself a chance to move forward with your life. Are you able to work? I don't mean are you too depressed to work, but could you work? Job prospects, transportation, etc?

As long as things remain the same, your mind is just going to keep looping through all of the bad memories and nothing will change for the better. Do you have any friends/family, who don't use drugs, with whom you can go out with and engage the world? Do you own a camera, write in journals or anything like that, which can facilitate an inexpensive and yet worthwhile day?

I can definitely sympathise with you on the money situation. Tragedy is bad enough for our lives, but when money troubles shortly follow it can feel unbearable. It's a shame that money plays such a huge role in our lives and that people quickly lose their compassion when money enters situations. I don't have any great advice here, unfortunately, other than to save money through getting off drugs and then to take any ethical job you can get and start from the bottom. I'm working my way back up from a rock-bottom and it takes a lot of patience and humility, and is by no means easy. But I think you'll find it just a bit easier once you get out there and actually find others fighting similar fights.

You'll be okay

 

[badfish45]

Effie I'm serious when I say you've been in my thoughts ever since we first met. I couldn't imagine the pain you went through every day with the loss of Dave, but now that I see your troubles all laid out here I just wanna give you a big hug. Please try to keep up with therapy. And you need to stop drinking and IVing too... as if it isn't obvious but please it won't help at all You've seen what happened to your friend and Dave, and that's something I never want happening to you. Push yourself to get out of the house, your home will become your prison. When I was depressed I'd lay in bed all day with my laptop until I got too depressed to even be on it and I'd just end up staring at the wall. Initially my home was the only place I'd feel comfortable (at least when I was alone).

Please PM me or send me your AIM if you need to talk hun

 

[effie]

Thank you guys

tl;dr again, sorry. I'll head over to blogs soon, just needed some wisdom from you all!

N3o, I am going to try to continue with therapy but I don't know if I can afford my current therapist. Well, I definitely can't right now. I'll speak to my GP though.. thanks lovely, for all your support

VW, I'm going to talk to the citizens advice bureau here, they have crisis loans with low interest rates and can help with debt problems etc. I should be able to sort the thing with the council, it is just a mistake, and hopefully the phone too.. just seems so daunting at the moment thank you!

RL, you are absolutely right. I had taken a drugs sabbatical a few weeks back after a couple of friends finally convinced me to, and it definitely helped - but I didn't keep it up, and I didn't really try to change my pattern of thinking or my general behaviour. The problem was I didn't care about myself enough to want to stop. I'd shoot things up just for the hell of it, rather than eat. But even though I might not especially care, I can also see that this is not where I want to be, and drugs are only making it harder to climb back out. I don't really believe that I can, but I definitely can't if I don't even try, so it's worth a shot for sure!

I'm not very good at thinking about the long term goals, it's far too easy to say fuck it and get high, I'll try sobriety tomorrow, but this is a life skill I was going to have to master one day I guess, might as well be now when I need it the most.. It's also far too easy to say well fuck, of course I'm a mess, look what happened to me but that's pretty childish and counterproductive really hah. This isn't the worst thing to happen to anyone by a long stretch. It just feels insurmountable when things pile up like this, and losing Dave weighs on me so heavily, it is a lot harder to cope with anything. Not impossible though, although it really felt like it earlier. But what is the alternative, I don't want to kill myself, just don't want this life I have currently. I need to remind myself of what I do have though.

I've been thinking about the friends-who-don't-take-drugs thing for a while. The trouble is, those who do are the ones who understand and have given me the most support. But even then I cut myself off, most of my drug-taking happens on my own in the flat. I definitely need to get out more. I don't have a camera but I always used to like going for walks and exploring, and there's a lot of my city I've not seen despite living here for almost 4 years.

I have a fantastic job - without going into specifics, it is something I have trained for and I really enjoy, and my current position is perfect really - well supported and walking distance from work. I have a staged return, so am currently doing 3 days a week. When I am at work I feel a lot better. When I leave my flat I feel a lot better. Yet I still will lie in bed all day given half the chance. It's become such a habit but you're right, it's not comforting, the thought of it is compared to the thought of going out but the reality is horrible. Same with having friends over - had some good friends who wanted to come and see me today, and said they did not care about the mess and would help me clean, but I got so panicked about it all I burst into tears and told them not to. It's crazy really, I know it is. I know I need to change, I can see what I need to do but I can't work out why I don't do it. Or I don't care enough sometimes to bother trying, I don't know.

I have paid the money to the phone company, yes - it was an automatic direct debit out of my account. Hopefully I can sort it out really, though, that and the money owed to the council are more the final straws rather than the bigger problem. Although I do need some money to live hah..

Thank you for having faith in me! Sorry for another long post is good to finally get it all out and stop pretending everything is okay..

edit: badfish, thank you! I just sit and stare a lot too. Or sit on my laptop. No coincidence my post-count has shot up hah.. I've not IV'd for.. hm. Well, slipped the other day apart from that, quite a few weeks now. Need to keep that up, definitely. I don't actually drink much, it is always other drugs..

editedit: also, this doesn't have any bearing on anything at all, but I just feel like I want to set the record straight - Dave didn't die of an OD, we don't know the cause of death. Sudden and unexplained. I assumed it was drugs initially though, and my friend definitely OD'd. Doesn't really matter anyway. The risk is always there especially with things like IV use.

 

[RedLeader]

RL, you are absolutely right. I had taken a drugs sabbatical a few weeks back after a couple of friends finally convinced me to, and it definitely helped - but I didn't keep it up, and I didn't really try to change my pattern of thinking or my general behaviour. The problem was I didn't care about myself enough to want to stop. I'd shoot things up just for the hell of it, rather than eat. But even though I might not especially care, I can also see that this is not where I want to be, and drugs are only making it harder to climb back out. I don't really believe that I can, but I definitely can't if I don't even try, so it's worth a shot for sure!

Staying off of drugs/alcohol is an extremely hard thing to do. I've done a lot of challenging stuff in my life, and a lot of it with success, but I'll tell you that without a doubt, quitting (in my case heroin was the one that really tested me) has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Why is it harder than other things? Because it's just not that obvious that what you're doing is the best thing, especially when the alternative often feels really, really good. Uni was good because I was always learning new things. Exercise is good because I feel stronger and see changes all of the time. If I stopped studying at school, things would soon enough go bad. If I stopped exercising, I would soon see my body fall apart. But if you stop being sober, that first bit of time back at it feels really amazing. And this is why getting clean is very hard - because at first there's not a lot of intuition that you're doing the right thing, and you're left with having "faith," something us drug addicts are almost afraid of.

A lot of people get all hyped up about getting clean and then burn out in sobriety quickly because it's not that much fun. Being clean isn't supposed to feel like a 12 pack of beer and a joint, though. It's not supposed to be an immediate rush of pleasure, an immediate reward. In fact, at first it's not so much about the addition of anything good as it is something stopping anything worse from happening. Or making a backdrop on which good things will, in due course, begin to happen.

You also don't have to love, or even care about, yourself in order to get/stay clean. I'm a pretty good walking example of that. What you have to do is start to accept that there is some truth to the old "sick and tired of being sick and tired" cliche. I think that your title to this thread alone suggests that this means something to you. All you have to do is realise that despite the occasional high, the occasional euphoria, your life, when all taken together, isn't that great right now and you want to change it so that you feel better. You don't have to care about yourself, no, but you have to be open to the idea that you could love yourself one day. That's something that despite how outlandish it sounds, would be something you'd want, right? Who wouldn't want that? Getting clean is the first (of many) steps toward accomplishing that. I'm probably only a step or two ahead of that first one, but I can see now that such a path does exist and definitely want to encourage others to at least try to walk it.

I'm not very good at thinking about the long term goals, it's far too easy to say fuck it and get high, I'll try sobriety tomorrow, but this is a life skill I was going to have to master one day I guess, might as well be now when I need it the most.. It's also far too easy to say well fuck, of course I'm a mess, look what happened to me but that's pretty childish and counterproductive really hah.

Then don't think about long-term goals. It's not like long-term = good, short-term = bad. "Fuck it, I'm going to get some money, go score drugs and then get high all day." That's a goal for the next 12 hours. Not necessarily a good one, but we could make a good one of that length as well. Ride the train somewhere far away, take a long walk at that place, ride the train back. Harmless, and takes up almost an entire day.

How you want to do it is to think about the (what probably seem) unrealistic goals you would have for a year from now, and then ask yourself what you could do in a month's time to better your chance of doing that in a year. And then look at that month goal and ask yourself what you could do in a day to better your chances. Kind of like that whole "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time..." cliche. Back before I got clean, my problem was I would always bite off more than I could chew with goals, inevitably burn out, and then pick the bad habits back up a la "what's the point?" I had to learn how to take things easier.

I've been thinking about the friends-who-don't-take-drugs thing for a while. The trouble is, those who do are the ones who understand and have given me the most support. But even then I cut myself off, most of my drug-taking happens on my own in the flat. I definitely need to get out more. I don't have a camera but I always used to like going for walks and exploring, and there's a lot of my city I've not seen despite living here for almost 4 years.

They might not understand the drug-specific stuff and they might not understand the situational stuff, like with Dave, but they probably understand things like depression, stress, self-worth, boredom, lack-of motivation and that lot. Everyone battles those things, at least at some level. BLers use drugs to try and deal with it, and other people use other things. A healthy enough reason to hang around such people is that when you are clean from drugs, you'll need new ways to deal with those feelings/emotions, so you could actually learn from these people. In fact, you need to learn from those kind of people or else you will relapse when things get bad and you feel overwhelmed.

Same with having friends over - had some good friends who wanted to come and see me today, and said they did not care about the mess and would help me clean, but I got so panicked about it all I burst into tears and told them not to. It's crazy really, I know it is. I know I need to change, I can see what I need to do but I can't work out why I don't do it. Or I don't care enough sometimes to bother trying, I don't know.

It's embarrassment. Fear of what they might actually be thinking as they see it. That kind of thing. Honestly, I would be the same way. In fact, I think it's weird when people who are messy are seemingly completely unashamed of their mess at all. Anyway, you have to make a decision here, with regard to which would be easier, (1) losing the shame of the mess and letting your friends help you clean it or (2) disciplining away the messy tendencies from your life so that you don't have this problem in the first place. I cannot answer that for ya, but it's got to be one or the other if you want to be able to easily handle situations like this in the future.

 

[herbavore]

Oh, effie, I wasn't on BL at all yesterday and then took myself to the beach today for a very necessary recharge for myself. When I logged on and read your post, I thought two things: first, I am so glad and so proud of you for posting all this and getting it off your chest; and secondly, you need some help to get through this. Red's advice about making small, minute even, goals that lead to medium goals that lead to a larger goal is pure wisdom. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed when everything in your life is going wrong and you were depressed already.

I think that you should let your friends help you clean if you can manage it. I know how embarrassing it can be but I think that it would do you a world of good just to have order around you right now. Just getting things to a place where you can keep up with it will be such a load off your mind. I would so do this for you if I were there. And I know you would do it for me if I needed it. Let your friends be friends--you deserve help and love and they are offering it.

As far as your drug-using friends being the ones who have been supportive of you since Dave died---are they good enough friends that you can tell them that you need their help in quitting? At least for a while? I think that the more you trust yourself the easier it gets to trust others with how hard things really are. I know that we have talked many times about the pressure to act like we are doing "well", that we are "moving on" but sometimes I think we put most of that pressure on ourselves imaging that others expect it. Opening up about how hard this all still is helps to validate the reality inside.

Your life was blown apart when you lost Dave. Then to lose two friends within months is inconceivable. Everything else falling apart makes sense in light of this. Anything that you can do to allow help into your life is good. You are so used to being strong and capable and you still are! Living with grief this huge takes so much strength. You have just shown so much courage by deciding to put this all on the table, to invite your Bluelight community's opinions and to allow us to offer you our support. So many people on this site are indebted to you for your compassion and your wisdom and your practical knowledge. I know I am.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Shit effie, you cant wallow like this hun...Its not good for you...You must pull your self out of it..I know i know...easier said than done...i know effie..Im no preacher, but as i told you, i am a widow and have been so since i was 29 years old...Dave doesnt want you like this hun...You know that...Nothing will ever ever get you over this, not time even...For time dont heal wounds at all...Time makes you able to bare the wounds...You must live well effie, live well for you and your parents and for Dave...

Like the lovely Herby said, please let your friends come and help you...Ive done this for a friend before when sjhe went to hospital, i spent 10 hours cleaning her house...It was terrible, almost welfare sort of thing as she had kids...But she had let her house get to such a stat that it was almost worth buldozing...I couldnt do it all in 10 hours, i just did what was necessary, oven, cupboards, walls, floors and the house looked fantastic for her when she got outa hospital...i knew she would be embarrased so i told her husband to tell her HE did it!..I got no thanks or anything...but i felt that she wouldnt want to know that a freind had had to scrub her filth!!!

Your house prob not that bad hun, but its depressing you even more eh?...Get yourself in a better mind space sweet, and cleanse your house!...Its an effort but it will make you feel better...You cant wallow in misery in your dark dank mouldy house hun...really...you...cant...

LAST BUT NOT LEAST...You give people the most incredable advice on here...I wonder exactly how many lives you may have directly or indirectly saved effie?...Please hun, the world WONT be a better place without you...You have much to give and in Daves name, effie, you should start giving to yourself, look after your self...Make Dave Prouder than he is effie..
much much cyber love!!:D

 

[captaincaveman]

VW, I'm going to talk to the citizens advice bureau here, they have crisis loans with low interest rates and can help with debt problems etc. I should be able to sort the thing with the council, it is just a mistake, and hopefully the phone too.. just seems so daunting at the moment thank you!

I have paid the money to the phone company, yes - it was an automatic direct debit out of my account. Hopefully I can sort it out really, though, that and the money owed to the council are more the final straws rather than the bigger problem. Although I do need some money to live hah..

[/QUOTE]

OK, sounds like you've been through the mill but as I used to work for the Citizens Advice Bureau (CAB), thought I'd give you my 2ps worth. The crisis loan I think you're talking about isn't provided by the CAB but the DWP. Also to the best of my knowledge it may be hard to qualify for one if you're working. I know you can't get a community care grant or budgeting loan if you're not in receipt of benefits. Also there is no interest to pay on a crisis loan although I think the criteria to qualify for one can be pretty stringent. But still go to the CAB, the debt advisers are good and will probably tell you which are priority and non-priority debts.
My second point is about the phone bill. The CAB would have told you this was definitely not a priority debt and even if your provider starts threatening to get a debt recovery team in, in your circumstances they would probably have compromised. You've paid the bill by direct debit. How long ago? You can still redeem this if you do it quickly (I've done it recently with BT). Problem is that it's a bank holiday. I'd get on this ASAP.
Finally the government seeking to recoup overpayment of benefits is a sign of the times! If you can prove that you were entitled to it then do it but don't worry too much about that. You can pay them in installments that you can afford. As I always tell people, the only taxes you really have to worry about is council tax, they can chuck you in prison for not paying that!
Anyway, hope this helps.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

The phone bill to me sounds like it happened without contact...Effie didnt contact and tell em she lost it or it was stollen and they didnt contact her about the bill, a direct debit would have been in place...
Imo you cant do anything about the phone bill in a short period of time...It will take weeks to get a refund...
Is that right Effie?

 

[captaincaveman]

The phone bill to me sounds like it happened without contact...Effie didnt contact and tell em she lost it or it was stollen and they didnt contact her about the bill, a direct debit would have been in place...
Imo you cant do anything about the phone bill in a short period of time...It will take weeks to get a refund...
Is that right Effie?

As i said, I had a direct debit returned to my account by my bank (Barclays). If you do it fast enough, I'm sure other banks let you do this as well. It's called the direct debit guarantee in the UK (not sure of Aussie banking rules, sorry). Not a refund

 

[Sheffsam]

I read this last night, ended up having to shut the browser as I simply couldn't find the right words for a reply, I woke up (at 2pm, bluh) and realised that I had to have a go.

It's seriously heartbreaking to see someone I think of as one of the brightest lights in TDS, suffer such a dark time. What you've been through in 12 months is soul-sapping beyond anything I can even imagine.

Like you, I struggle with long term plans. Events have left me underwhelmed with the nature of permanence, it's hard to make plans when you're painfully aware it can all change very swiftly. All I can suggest is working on the smaller things, and I would really start on the environment that surrounds you to begin with. If you can accept the help of your friends to clean, then I really would do so. If not, then break the task down into parts you can manage, even having 1 room that's clean and not a reminder of the list of tasks you think you need to do can be a big help. It never stops amazing me how my brain can link from 'I need to do laundry' to 'Argh I need to fix my entire life right now OH GOD IT'S SO OVERWHELMING!!' in about 30 seconds flat. Maybe consider breaking up the task by going out to visit friends, or something else you can find some enjoyment in.

I've also played the bailiff dodging game, and I would suggest you speak to the council and just offer a token amount toward paying that off, even if they're in the wrong. Even if they refuse to take a small amount, the fact you've shown willingness to pay makes it harder for them to enforce more collection options like bailiffs and CCJs.

I really hope things get better for you, you truly deserve it.

 

[Groundhog]

Wow. I really feel for you. After all what has been thrown at you, you are still so positive. I admire the considerable strength you have to still have faith in life. Actually I think you are amazing.
I am feeling so desperate with my life at the moment and I am ashamed to feel like that after reading what has happened to you, the problems I have are a drop in the ocean compared to what you have had to cope with and you haven't given up.

Although I don't know you, after reading that I feel really emotional for you. You are an amazing person and I hope things work out, I'm sure they will when you have had so much strength to come through what you have.

 

[VanWeyden]

Hey effie, how is the easter weekend so far? Are you getting along? Do you have anyone you could visit to get out of your flat or sth.? I find it one of the most helpful things to meet someone when I don't know how to move on. Just hanging out a bit and talking about random stuff...

 

[Miss Kirsty]

As i said, I had a direct debit returned to my account by my bank (Barclays). If you do it fast enough, I'm sure other banks let you do this as well. It's called the direct debit guarantee in the UK (not sure of Aussie banking rules, sorry). Not a refund

Thats good news then...In Australia they can take weeks/months to return your money!

 

[ihatepipes]

Effie, I know we don't know each other very well. I have seen alot of your posts and I am sure you have seen a few of mine.

From what I have read in your posts it seems like you are always the one to help others hence your mod position and the time you take to respond to posts of people experiencing problems similar to the ones you are now.

The bottom line is that if there is anybody deserving of help whether from the BL community or from people one knows IRL it is YOU. I am sure you are always the one going the extra mile to help others so let karma run its course and share some much needed support with you.

If your friends are offering to help you LET THEM HELP YOU!!! You would be amazed what a clean living space can do for the psyche, and I am probably not too far off when I say you would be willing to do the same thing for them if they were in your situation. This will also help with the way you have been isolating yourself. You need to get out and see your friends and get out into the world too.

I have a wife and I cannot imagine losing her, and therefore cannot fathom the pain you are going through as a result of the loss of your significant other. I am so sorry you have to go through this, and I cannot offer much advice on the grieving process other than that you should understand the steps and attempt to work through them at your own pace.

Now I'm going to tell you the things i am sure everyone else already has as I only read your OP. Don't take your own life!!! the world would be a shittier place without you. I don't even know you aside from a couple posts I have seen you make to others, but it is easy to tell you are one of the good people. The bottom line is the world needs people like you so don't do do anything crazy.

It is clear that you are loved by many so I am asking you to feed off of the love people show you until you can make it through this process.

I hope things take a turn for the better soon and I will be checking this thread to see the positive updates I know you are going to post.

IHatePipes

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Effie ohhh Effie, are you coming back to this thread hun?

We are here for you effie...Always and ever

 

[S.M.F.G]

effie ur in my thoughts all the time im cruisin thru here, am sorry to hear uve hit a shithouse patch.. all my love and healing energies heading your way
Hang tough chicky and when ya ready lets know how things are 4 ya eh?!

 

[effie]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and excellent advice. I read it all and tried to take it on board, but I couldn't bring myself to come back and post as nothing had really changed, I hadn't been able to do any of the suggested things and I was ashamed, really..

This is hugely tl;dr but I wanted to reply and apparently I had a lot to say, sorry!

I have some good news! After asking friends to come over and cancelling umpteen times, and some major stalling, I rang my mum and asked if her and dad could come and help me sort it out. I cleaned out any drugs paraphenalia (it had got everwhere ) and binned the worst of the mouldy food etc, but it was still a state.. my parents were absolutely fantastic though. Didn't bat an eyelid My kitchen, living space and bathroom are now immaculate and my flat looks beautiful :D :D Still a lot of stuff piled up, and my bedroom and dining space are very messy, but the transformation is just wonderful. I'm having a friend for tea tonight, and another is coming to stay at the weekend. I feel so much better!

Work is really good too - building it up slowly, and I do falter some days, but I really love it and I have been getting good feedback as well. It builds my confidence and at the moment it is the only thing I have in my life that I am actually proud of, so I am concentrating hard on making sure it goes well

I'm still struggling financially - not managed to get any of the money back from the phone company, although I am still trying. My parents paid off the bailiffs and again I am trying to get money back from the council.. my parents have been supporting me and have had to take out a loan to do so (my credit rating is too poor) and I feel terrible about it, but as someone else said, my parents would rather do that than see me struggle.. I still feel absolutely awful about it, but I must admit I would have been in deep trouble if they hadn't One day I will pay them back for all their generosity

Friends-wise I am still finding it really hard but as I said I have made plans to see people. I've not seen anyone yet (not for weeks..) but I am trying to make plans with the non-druggy mates I had drifted from, and I've explained to the drug-taking ones that I need to do activities which don't revolve around getting smashed. A few said that they did too

Drugs-wise it's been over a month since I picked up a needle! :D Still struggling a bit though - been using bupe as a crutch a bit lately and I can see that I still have an unhealthy attitude towards drugs, and still use them too much.. trying to set short term goals regarding them, and replace taking drugs with other activities, but it is hard.

Grief-wise.. I'm okay. Very up and down, and the downs are extremely intense, but the ups are better than they have been in a while. It is still exhausting, and had a bad day on Mon - it would have been our anniversary - but now my life is a bit more stable I feel like I have more of a foundation to stand on which helps me to handle my emotions a bit better. Hopefully this will mean I can hang out with my non-druggy friends more - they really didn't understand the grief and it made them uncomfy, which I respect, but now I am a bit better in that regard it might be easier to meet up.

Thank you all so much for your advice and support, I appreciate it so much. I was at absolute rock bottom when I made that post. I still have a long way to go but I feel more hopeful that I can get there now

(Anyone who PMd me - so sorry if I haven't replied, my ability to correspond with people flies out the window when I am having a tough time...)