Absolute Obsession - Why?

[MakaveliTheDon]

Hi Guys! :D I am kind of new to this website, but have occasionally referenced it in the past after a google search about dosing. I decided to join because the community seems to be pretty accepting and people have similar issues, and i have really been in need of help . I have been a user of all kinds of drugs for many years without problem, mainly marijuana as self-medication for depression and sleep. recently though, everything has changed., after becoming broke a few months ago, i have become confined to my Ambien and Seroquel as drugs, as well as Depakote. every moment of every day, i cant stop thinking about being really high, on a dissociative level, the euphoria seems so far away and impossible to reach, like i will never feel it again, and everything in my life provokes thoughts of drugs. music games, family - it all seems wired to it. The feeling of depression that comes from this is like nothing i have felt before, it is so intense at times that i truly want to be dead compulsively. luckily i have a history of controlling these impulses as i'm a former Klonopin addict, but it makes life hell. It has gone farther than this, it has made me completely detached from reality. im in the twilight zone 24/7, while awake i have visual distortions ranging from partial blindness and rainbow colors, to seeing full bodies. i talk to myself and voices of what seems like demons in my head out-loud, and have used Ouija board its still here with me. music puts me in a hyped trance-like state where i start doing hawk like moves to the beat compulsively. the most unbelievable and insane part, however, is my sleep. EVERY and i mean every night when i lay down in my bed, i cant just lay their preparing to go to sleep - i lay down and while the sedatives kick in, have to prepare to enter a dream world, that could be anywhere from the best feeling ever to a nightmare where i get mutilated, they are so vivid that when i wake up, i remember every detail and it never fades.. i don't wake up, it leaves me with a feeling that the world is fake and i'm just switching realities. I have 2 therapists who know literally everything about me including the above, and haven't managed to control this. Weed fixes all of this but i never have the cash for it, does that make it the answer? anyone feel the same? i really just don't know what to do at this point

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Wow, yeah, go buy some weed dude. If I were in your position I'd beg, borrow or>snip< for it rather than get dragged into dreamland to be horribly tortured for nights on end.

I have really strange dreams too but I only ever remember fragments in my waking reality, and even then I'll only remember the bits and pieces when something reminds me during my day to day life, I almost never wake up remembering...

 

[jesse1988]

Good thing you are not after opiates,
anyway no matter weed or upper or opiates addiction, the habit would grow bigger than you wallet eventually

 

[ambiguus]

That sounds like a pretty difficult thing to live with, it's tempting to say if it's that bad and weed really does make you feel better that you should just pick up! Out of curiosity what sort of methods do your therapists use? Tried meditation, mindfulness, blitzing yourself on ayahuasca or anything like that? What about rejigging your psych meds or would that leave you too unstable?

 

[MakaveliTheDon]

That sounds like a pretty difficult thing to live with, it's tempting to say if it's that bad and weed really does make you feel better that you should just pick up! Out of curiosity what sort of methods do your therapists use? Tried meditation, mindfulness, blitzing yourself on ayahuasca or anything like that? What about rejigging your psych meds or would that leave you too unstable?

My therapists both talk to me about coping skills with anxiety and depression mostly, but i guess they haven't got the message that im a bit beyond talking my way out of this. ive been thinking its the benzo withdrawals partially, the only psychedelic ive tried like that was LSD but i was already on Klonopin so it was rather dulled out. i want to try more psychs though, seeing i love weed so much. I got put on these meds after my forced Klonopin detox to prevent seizures but they haven't taken me off, i live in Washington state to, but my doctors said i cant get Medical bud for my condition which doesnt make sense given the severity.

Good thing you are not after opiates,
anyway no matter weed or upper or opiates addiction, the habit would grow bigger than you wallet eventually

Ive had my run with opiates and other drugs before, never felt more genuine euphoria than weed even from banging Oxy, i spend all my money on weed now.

Wow, yeah, go buy some weed dude. If I were in your position I'd beg, borrow or steal for it rather than get dragged into dreamland to be horribly tortured for nights on end.

I have really strange dreams too but I only ever remember fragments in my waking reality, and even then I'll only remember the bits and pieces when something reminds me during my day to day life, I almost never wake up remembering...

I have a history of violence issues with the police around here from my withdrawal period, and im not really capable of doing that stuff when sober

 

[MakaveliTheDon]

Transitioning worlds again, lets see how this goes.
EDIT: Just woke up and this is the third night in a row that my dreams involved not being able to get Klonopin, specifically. i don't get why especially judging that it nearly got me killed, and i want other drugs instead. thinking back through them now, i never once had a memory that involved me smoking pot either. all of them have been about opiates or Klonopin, and once i finally get them my mind has to make it harder on me by waking me up