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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

? about methadone..

Hey Totach. My heart goes out to you brother. I began my use of black at 16 today im 25. Done the nice habs...done the clinic 1 1/2 years plus until I got "feetoxed" in my experience any additional mdone prolonged the w/d and only made me feel better in the most minuscule of amounts. I usually crack once I haven't slept for a few days and lapse. The way they best explained methadone maintenance was by referring to it as harm reduction...but if somewhere inside you want to be completely clean and sober I would stay away from something so strong. Iv w/d from mdone 3/4 times and the last 2 were between 30-45 days until I got sleep. Previous poster suggesting kratom taper imo is a much safer if you end up trapped taking said substance. Meaning id rather be stuck on kratom assuming I ever found the strength to be clean indefinitely.

I worked with my father through the clinic and got a month off November before this last one to "get clean". I squandered the opportunity and was back on the gear with my traditional excuses...my life is hard....I'll always be an addict...Just this weekend...etc etc...I had to quit in June because I was so angry and disrespectful...I love my father and was ruining my relationship with my best friend. Went to a 14 day hab in Portland Or. Was the best I could do with my insurance. I jumped ship 10 days in because when my dad visited me on father's day left me $20. Found a connect and bounced. I have a 5 year old daughter who is the light of my life...loved by family who by my standards should have disowned me...destroyed my marriage with my highschool sweetheart...drove her into the arms of another man...

I wake up the king of piss and s@$# and still I cling to this lifestyle. Or rather style considering the absence of life. I feel like I go completely insane every time I get clean. Til I want to break everything or myself...if drugs can induce homeostasis at this point maybe all hope isn't lost?

I have some questions for you regarding ibogaine and your personal experience. The only other person I know that's tried is my friends cousin who died getting off methadone...a practitioner came from Amsterdam or something...the first death in his watch I guess.

I guess I still want to try it. Death only scares me in the context of unfinished business.

Lastly on the mdone I've seen it save lives...both short and long term...my grandma and my grandpa if he had stopped drinking. My grandma hasnt lapsed in over 20+ years. It's all about quality of life. If you still tear up its a good thing. You aren't completely desensitized and self absorbed if you still seek change and carry guilt.

I love so strongly...my family...my friends...even strangers and those I know not....but it's never been enough to stop. Where is my breaking point? I hope you find your catalyst for change my brother. Stay strong in your battle. So many people want you to succeed. You making it can give so many hope.

Sorry for the novel.
 
^
Thanx for that post it was really nice to read.

I also drove the love of my life into the arms of another man and feel like i will never forgive myself for that.

She was there for me for almost 5 years and i was getting high the whole time.

Also my friends and family are still there for me and yes i only need 24 hours with no drugs and i will cry watching cartoons lol

As for the Ibogaine i went to Costa Rica from NY spent over $10,000 and relapsed 2 days after i got back to NY.

I really think the fact that me and my girl just broke up right before i went to CR thru out the whole trip i couldnt think of anything but her and i think that ruined my trip.

I cant lie and say it doesnt work cuz i did feel something after the trip im not so sure what that something is but i felt kinda good emotionally not physically.

My nurse there relapsed after first time and second time was a charm.

Feel free to keep posting questions or advice
Thanx,
Totach by the way for people who are curious means something close to Great in Hebrew ;)
So when people start with Totach i like it lol
 
So im still hanging in there its bin almost 2 days no meth or anything and 2 days no sleep.

Emotionally i feel really good and excited for some reason. Like driving to work today morning smoking a joint i felt so good ans alive for the ride i forgot about all my wd and no sleep.

Sounds kinda gay but i actually teared up thinking bout b"h my wedding one day hopefully when i meet my future queen ;)

It felt so good. Yesterday also i had a $100 on me n i really wanted to go cop but i stopped myself witch i usually cant never do so im proud of myself.

The only scary part is ive felt this feeling many times before when i would get clean and next thing u know im getting high again and forget how beautiful life really is.

I really hope this magical feeling just comes one day and never leaves i would b such a happy person :)

Hope evreyones well!!
 
Thanx NSA im curious why your success story is not posted yet i would like to read it.

As for today i feel ok its bin 48+ hours since my last 5mg of done and i feel pretty shitty but i finally caved and took 1mg xanax last night and got a few hours of sleep so i cant complain ;)

I hope evreyone has a great weekend
 
Totach! I enjoy the meaning.

I heard it not only resets the central nervous system but de-calcifies the pineal gland. I imagine the "trip" itself to be quite intense!!

Crazy news in my world. Going to be a father again. My chance to do things right. I start subs tomorrow...been holding out...even though iv only been able to get garbage lol. So know I'm in the trenches with you in spirit brother! There is no good reason we cannot succeed!

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift" - Prefontaine
 
Thats great man i cant wait to have a mini me running around in the near future ;) Foreal CONGRATULATIONS!!

As for the trip ya its pretty intense ive never tripped before where it was really hard to move around cuz you will fall.

Or a trip with a iv in me eventho i didnt use the iv evreyone else did.

You should def give it a shot when you get a chance i have a great friend that was on suboxone for like 5 years and quit with the help of Ibogaine.

Its a bit more difficult tho cuz you cant take any subs for like a month before the trip so you have to go back to either morphine codiene or dope for a month.

There is a great website that sells the stuff if i woulda known about it i probably woulda done it at home instead of spending over 10 grand in CR.

It still isnt cheap tho i would say the price but i dont think i am allowed if you have any more specific questions ill be glad to answer.

So once again CONGARDS AND ALL THE BEST WITH THE NEW LITTLE GUY ;) AND KEEP FIGHTING THE FIGHT!!!
 
Still hanging in there im gonna use NSA approach and not count my sober days but i will continue updating
 
*Smile* There are allot of people who do this.. I just kinda look at it to that I will never reach a amount of days where I can ever use a substance I am addicted to again.. and all I ever have to do is to make it through today.. and shit I can do that:)

Your doing great and the farther you get through the easier it gets.. I promise.<3 I haven't even really been triggered but one time in the last six months. And in the beginning it was like I was triggered all the damn time.
 
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Totach you seem like a really good guy with a great heart, a girl would be lucky to be with you once you get your addiction sorted. I know what you mean by that happy feeling when you physically feel like shit. I know when im a few days into detox ita like theres a total 180 in my mind, i feel happy to be doing what im doing and know i can reach the end and all the greatness that comes with being clean.

I am on methadone but it really has saved my life, before i was homeless with no car and sleeping on the busses at night if i could afford the five dollar unlimited ride day pass. Pathetic, right? Since getting on methadone ive got a job, bought a car, have my own apt and am in college again. Its amazing the things we can do when we put all our energy, time and money previously used on drugs and scoring to something productive and positive.

I too wish i could find a companion but its tough finding someone who understands our situations. I mean, i dont have to tell them my past but if i dont i feel like im hiding something. And some guys think addiction is nasty even if youre not currently addicted. Ive been single for years and it gets lonely but i guess it also has its perks.
 
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Thanx for that really nice response ohshea made me smile.

I'm still doing ok I guess I didn't wind up going thru with the done detox I wound up getting high for a few weeks but today will my 5th day off all opiates or any drug but pot.

I'm still not to excited bout taking xanax even tho I haven't slept a hour in 5 days but I hope to stay on this path I will update
 
Another day down and another night no sleep :( its ok tho because no sleep cant kill you.

So just venting. Eventho i feel terrible considering i havent slept in 6 nights i still managed to have so much fun last night i felt like i was 16 again.

It was snowing hard in ny last night so me and a few childhood friends went to the park at 1am and started blowing up fireworks it was so cool to do that in a snow storm.

I was alittle worried doing that cuz when i was 17 i got arrested on july 4 for blowing up fireworks in the same park we went to last night but once i lit one up i couldnt stop lol we stayed there for over 30 minutes shooting fireworks and about 10 different trucks came thru the park to drift it was awesome.

People are scared to step outside in a storm and we are shooting fireworks at 1am sorry i keep repeating myself but it was just a amazing time.

To be honest tho guys im so scared to relapse.

Weekends are always hardest for me. I actually refused my check for the week which i dont think ive ever done before just so i wont have money to get high. If i was a thief id probably not have a day clean cuz im around money all the time but i cant steal.

So ya these past 6 days have bin so rough im sooooooo scared to throw it all away. Im so lucky that i have amazing friends that have helped me thru these days.

Man i wish i could just sleep a hour str8 and just have that wake up feeling i havent felt that in a while cuz even when i sleep when i get high the second i wake all i think about is how to score so it sucks waking up.

So thats where im at today i hope all is well in the community i will fight thru the weekend.

NSA you are a very encouraging person thanx :)
 
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