Very descriptive and well written thread. I've been wanting to respond to this thread for a few days.
I'm involved in 12 step recovery. As far as trip reports go for me its been long and strange. I've been around the rooms for a while so I want to give my own 2 cents.
My story is I basically found NA, went to meetings high for several years (and was honest with everyone about being high), got clean for a little while, relapsed and was out for alot longer, and am back for a couple one days at a time in a row now. Been to several 12 step fellowships-done the grand tour. Overall my experience has been favorable, of course there is alot of bullshit too. I think that addiction and alcoholism are fundamentally the same disease although they might vary in symptomology. NA focuses on the disease of addiction. Other fellowships focus on specific substances or behavior. I'll focus on EtOH and AA for simplicity.
What the central theme and what recovery is all about are one alcoholic helping another alcoholic. The reason for the steps ultimately is so one alcoholic can better help another alcoholic. Meetings exist to help the newcomer, who is the most important person at any meeting. The primary purpose of the meetings are to carry the message to the suffering alcoholic who is basically the newcomer but can be someone with some time. The message is essentially that an alcoholic (any alcoholic) can stop using alcohol, lose the desire to use alcohol, and find a new way to live. This message is hope and the promise of freedom.
In meetings people ideally share there experience and don't preach, moralize, or dispense advice. The suggestions given are usually some permutations of
go to meetings regularly, get a sponsor, work the steps, do service. A sponsor's job is to get you through the steps. The primary purpose of service is to carry the message to the suffering alcoholic.
The 12 steps ensure the survival of the individual. The 12 traditions ensure the survival of the group and protect the group as a whole from the individual. The 12 concepts preserve the service structure and protect the individual from the group as a whole. The steps and traditions parallel each other across fellowships. The 12 concepts of NA and AA differ.
AA is free. Anyone may join. There are no pledges to sign, no promises make to anyone. There is no governing body. AA in theory is an egalitarian society.
Everyone is free to take what they want and leave the rest- or not take anything. There are no rules and unlike rehab you dont get demerits for breaking the rules and no one makes you clean your room. You can come to and leave the meetings when you want.
The right to a God of ones understanding is total and without any catches.
The vast majority choose a secular god of there own understanding. A minority are atheists, choose the group as a higher power, or use organized religion. Mentioning specific religions and religious beliefs are strongly discouraged- I dont mind I think its interesting to hear the stuff that other people believe even if the people talking are those sinister despicable Christians. All faiths are represented including buddists, hindus, muslims, pagans, jews (especially of the kabbalistic tradition), zoroastrians, wiccans, druids, and satanists. Its best to leave individual beliefs out of meetings, though, in the interest of avoiding sectarian violence. The emphasis of the program is learning to live a spiritual life. The definition of spirituality according to the program is how I treat myself and others. One does not need to believe in God to be spiritual. Rarely someone might try to convert you to their religion what ever it may be. At times like that it pays to learn how politely tell them to fuck off.
I was not ordered by the courts or an employer into AA. I went on my own.
Me either. I think the prognosis is usually better for those that go voluntarily. In fact I wish they would stop signing court cards at meetings.
I do not intend to discontinue any of my legal prescriptions
And dont let anyone tell you you have to. AA is a fellowship of recovering alcoholics not a medical center. One of the coolest shares I heard was from a lady in Seattle who stated that she had 6 years clean and that she was taking percocet for pain management which she had been taking for several years. And she didn't give a fuck what anyone thought about it-she shared without guilt and remorse. It seemed liked people liked and respected her. Because of her honesty I suspect they came to respect her despite any prejudices that they might have had. For me with any script I look at the risks/benefits. If after factoring in the risks the benefit is worthwhile than I take the medication.
The "one day at a time" thing sounds like jargon at first. But it is a simple thing I can do, or rather not do, to stop myself from engaging in a habit that was threatening to destroy my life.
Well said. It took me years to master this simple concept. One day at a time means that everyone is equal because we all only have today.
in regards to a sponsor I was told to find someone who you want what they have.
I agree. There are many, though, who feel that the main criteria to look for is someone who has worked all 12 steps, and is working with a sponsor who has worked all 12 steps. My sponsor has worked all 12 steps and has a sponsor who has worked the steps. Otherwise aside from being male we have few similarities. He is retired. I'm not. He was career military, I have never served in the military. He is 40 years older than me. We go to different meetings. We live in two very different parts of town. Alcohol was the only drug he abused. I
have few clases of drugs I didn't abuse. But what I like most is he never tells me what to do (inspite of his military background).
Feeling that you have an acceptable tribe of your own choosing and a sober fellowship is by itself pretty powerful. Bradshaw's explanation of some of the efficacy of AA is that telling your story again and again in a non-judgmental atmosphere eventually discharges the shame built up around the addiction which is a huge impediment to recovery.
Bradshaw knows his shit
Alcoholics are fantastic at deceiving both themselves and others
So am I!
I guess the "official" rule is that it is not 100% discouraged to go to AA drunk
The official rule is that it is not discouraged at all. Rehabs who would lose money if people got and stayed sober on AA alone might disagree, though.
it attracts a crowd of people who have grown addicted to whining about their pasts in an effort to assuage the guilt over the shit they pulled when they were drinking.
The antithesis of carrying the message by definition. Luckily there are all kinds of different meetings out there.
I think I have a handle on what the path entails at this point.
Honestly, the more I stick around the more I find I have no clue.
. I think I started the Fourth Step prematurely and need time to adjust to abstinence/deal with present issues rather than read a list of shitty things I did
I think its the 8th step where you make a list of shity things you did.
Self-esteem needs to be present or I will *not* stay sober
The most effective way I've found of boasting my self-esteem is by helping others.
I had several reasons for doing this, but the main one is that I found the fellowship to be potentially invasive. At the last meeting I attended in early May, one of the speakers who attends daily meetings indicated that he'd been contacted by AA members (who did not know his last name) after he went on a last-minute trip for a funeral. He did not relapse during that time, but the group freaked out that he suddenly disappeared and managed to get his phone number out of someone that knew him.
Hasn't been my experience. I get the feeling that if I stoped showing up to meetings people would be relieved.
I suppose hearing stories of bad things that happened to others while they were actively drinking could act for some people as a deterrent.
Doesn't work for me- I'm too far gone. Nor does the all alcoholics are going to eventually die of the disease if they keep drinking nonesense. The majority of active alcoholics probably don't die from the disease. Dieing in the disease (still drinking) and from the disease are two different things in my opinion. Personally I stay sober because today my life is better overall than when I was using alcohol.
It seemed that some of these people were talking as a form of entertainment and even showing off.
I'm guilty of this, I freely admit it. What I cant stand about some of the assholes at meetings is that they won't admit it.
Some of the attendees were homeless, and used the opportunity to ask some AA members for money. I brought one man a couple sandwiches and some fruit (he did not ask, but I knew he lived under a bridge) and all of a sudden I was being asked by other members for spare change.
Your heart is in the right place. But remeber we carry the message not the alcoholic.
A lot of people I've encountered like to make assumptions. Like that everyone drinks or uses for the same basic reasons, and that clean time=spiritual fitness, as well as being new in recovery=more likely to use. The first one is ridiculous on several grounds, the second one is not related in any way, and the third one just goes against the law of averages
Well said.
Step One: I've been drinking, and I've been acting like a complete asshole without even trying and now I'm really fucking used to it.
Step Two: Maybe I can stop acting like an asshole.
Step Three: I'm going to stop acting like an asshole now.
Step four: I make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself because I have become an even bigger asshole now that I am sober than I was when I was drinking.
strange language developed by regulars of seeming to speak by stringing together endless AA catechisms, proverbs, parables in a way that seemed to me lacking in thought. I can see how this could be observed as brainswashing by observers.
It definitely is a form of brainwashing. I feel that for this reason AA needs people that are creative and can think for themselves to balance the cultish tendencies.
...I do receive a fair amount of male attention...Most of these "strangers with candy" were older males. When I got my first 24 hour chip and several of them hugged me, let's just say it wasn't my eyes they were staring at as they congratulated me. I had forgotten how much that irked me until just now
I wish I had that problem. Guess I'm losing my sex appeal lol. The key to dealing with sick ass guys is too say "fuck you" in a loving and gentle manner.
That is the main reason I never got a sponsor. None of the women in the group indicated they were available.
Best suggestion I would make is to go to a woman's meeting. There you should find many women who are willing to sponsor. I would also suggest going to a young person's meeting were you might better be able to relate. The Bay Area is full of yp meetings especially in The City and the East Bay.
for most people, success rate being only 3%, researchers say even 3% is an exaggeration, more like 1-2
According to an old timer that shared at meeting I went to tuesday night the success rate is closer to 1%
I don't care that Bill W. was a philandering asshole who left 10% of his AA monies to his mistress in his will.
Bill Wilson and Bob Smith were by there own admission not saints. In Wilson's case you got to love a guy who droped acid with Aldous Huxley. In fact Bill W was convinced he would be remebered for his pioneering work with LSD in the treatment of alcoholism not for the AA gig.
Did you read the rest of the thread where I outlined how I have discontinued going because the program had unsettling elements for me, and how I am not abstinent, but have rather transitioned into controlled drinking?
If I were a statistic in AA, I'd be a failed one by their definition.
The important thing is that you are being successful by your own definition.
I hope you succeed in controlled using. Apparently the Euros have had successful outcomes with moderation programs. Moderation Management in the US was a fellowship established to promote moderation. Unfortunately its founder Audrey Kishline started drinking heavily again and was involved in a drunk driving collision which resulted in fatalities. I wish she would have applied the principle of anonymity from her days in AA because her work was discredited in alot of circles. The organization is still active.
http://www.moderation.org/ its website. If controlled drinking works for you please make it known in and outside bluelight. I always wonder about how many hard core alcoholics succeed in going back to moderation that you never hear about because they dont come back to meetings. My wife has by all appearances gone back to social drinking. If controlled drinking doesn't work for you the doors of AA will always be open. I suggest if you did decide to go back to find new meetings you feel comfortable in. Good luck!!!
Thanks, everyone, for keeping me motivated to improve my life. 
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
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