Mariposa
Bluelight Crew
I thought it might be fun to write this in the style of a "trip report," since my somewhat new complete abstinence from alcohol is somewhat of a "trip" for me. Although alcoholism is not to be made light of as it is a serious and often fatal illness, it is important to maintain a sense of humor in all aspects of life.
My name is (not really) Mariposa and I am a lush. I like that better than "drunk" or "alcoholic".
I am not the kind of lush that crashes cars. I've never had alcohol poisoning. I've never been addicted to another drug (besides at past points, possibly caffeine and nicotine)... and it's not because I'm innocent. I was not ordered by the courts or an employer into AA. I went on my own.
And now I am several days abstinent (well over a week) from alcohol. I've now been to two large meetings and one small one.
I attended my first meeting with a friend I've become reacquainted with from high school. She is mostly sober, just occasional wine, and she does not use any drugs - she's a natural health freak and it shows (in the good way).
Her presence in my life alone has helped my depression lift; the same is true for several friends who have recently renewed ties with me. It was a beginners' meeting. Being relatively young women that don't look like we've lived a hard life got us a bit of attention immediately. It wasn't creepy. There was of course, a speaker, who had lost THREE MARRIAGES to his alcoholism. I really can't say more than that for anonymity purposes. Others spoke about what alcohol had taken from them, why they were there (some voluntarily, some not so much), and how they have remained and plan to remain abstinent from alcohol.
I should note at this time that I do not intend to discontinue any of my legal prescriptions and the possibility that I will party in ways that have not been problematic is very much there. This excludes me from ultra-orthodox AA types. This is where "take what you want, and leave the rest" comes in. I am also pro-medicinal marijuana and I am agnostic in the truest sense; I do not know or claim to know whether "God" exists, one way or the other. I feel I have no true way of knowing. I'll find out when my demise comes, I suppose. And now I know my demise does not have to come from alcohol.
Why not?
Because I am choosing not to drink in this moment, today. The "one day at a time" thing sounds like jargon at first. But it is a simple thing I can do, or rather not do, to stop myself from engaging in a habit that was threatening to destroy my life. I lost respect for myself when I was a heavy drinker; I expect others lost respect for me in some ways. Maybe some people stopped being my friend because of it, too. But those people weren't real friends. I suppose the one blessing that came from my problem drinking was that I was able to weed out the people who were self-interested instead of oriented toward true friendship and companionship. I have a lot more friends all of a sudden now that I don't drink. I've kept my social calendar full, avoiding situations which might tempt me to drink. I've been more physically active. My appetite has come back yet I have not put on weight. I crave healthy foods. It is a very odd and surprisingly rapid transformation.
The fellowship and brutal honesty displayed by the AA members whose stories I heard brought tears to my eyes. I have never been in a room with so many people who were making honest, painful admissions. Yet it was not tense. There was no judgment. There was an immense sense of relief that pervaded the room. And yes, everyone was loaded on caffeine.
I do not yet have a sponsor nor am I quite sure who yet to ask. The people I "buddied up" with right away were an attractive aspiring actor my age (28) and his sponsor, a hippie-type handwriting analyst/gardener in his fifties. There are a couple women my age who are also newbies and friendly. It is recommended that if you ask for a sponsor (not everyone does) that they be of the gender that you do not prefer sexually, and sexual involvement between sponsor and newbie is a MAJOR NO-NO. My ideal sponsor, demographically, would therefore be a woman a little older than me, married/partnered, perhaps with kids, who has been sober at least a year. I am sure I will know her when I find her... or perhaps I will click with someone completely different. My mind is open.
I suppose that what shocked me was that there were so many people that had been sober fewer than 24 hours. Some people were visibly drunk; some had obviously done serious physical damage (noticed slurring and DTs in several of those who spoke). I have avoided that. I still feel a bit "toxic" from alcohol, but I expect that is all in my head. I am healing cognitively and physically.
My Higher Power is myself. It is not a coffee cup, it is not a patriarchal deity. One of my former criticisms of AA and 12-stepping in general is that it "disempowers" the alcoholic/addict into failing to take ownership of their addiction. I do not feel that way. I feel that the higher, more virtuous, loving, growth-oriented, brave and wise part of me is watching over the baser part of me that rendered me powerless over a powerful toxin that was ruining my life.
I do not know if I will ever transition into controlled drinking - that is not consistent with AA values and I wish to be authentic in this process. There may come a day when I can enjoy that glass of cabernet or that snifter of Grey Goose without hearing the call away from dealing with my problems and my emotions.
My plan is to attend two meetings per week - the atheist/agnostic group, and the beginners group. No 90 meetings in 90 days for me; that's just ridiculous - I am there of my own volition, and I want to be fully THERE. It is said that alcoholism strikes the lonely and the perfectionistic. I feel that way much of the time. But now I have the will to call someone to hang out when I feel lonely. When I make a mistake, I don't feel like I need to get drunk and feel sorry for myself. I just do something else. My house has never been cleaner, my cats have never been happier, and I look and feel different. The strain my problem caused on my relationship (he is not an alcoholic) is slowly but surely lifting.
And all it takes is having enough self control not to put alcohol into my body, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. No one is proselytizing to me, though I can see how some of the literature (particularly the Big Book) can be read that way. I do not feel manipulated, controlled, or helpless. Rather, I have a new sense of confidence and autonomy that I looked for in the bottle but was never quite able to find. I think my Higher Power wants me to believe in myself - keep the good for myself, and turn the bad over to where the bad things go, as far away as possible.
That's about it for now. I'm not a "believer" and this program is NO substitute for professional help. I am on Step 4, where I am taking a fearless moral inventory of myself and how alcohol has damaged my life. It is painful at times but it is for my benefit. I am a better person for remaining abstinent from alcohol for now. There's a lot of learning and experience I missed out on when I was drunk, like nature, fitness, photography, languages, and most of all, friendship and true love. I have a treatable illness that since I caught it in time, will not ruin my life. Anyone who would stigmatize me for admitting this can go die in a fire.
I owe a special thanks to those who have candidly shared their stories of addiction, whether they are 12-steppers or not. Thank you for helping me understand that we are truly all in this together while remaining responsible for ourselves. One day at a time.
If you'd like to know more, please ask in this thread but as my problem drinking remains a sensitive issue, I reserve the right to decline to answer to protect what I have not disclosed on behalf of self and others.
Thank you for listening.
Mariposa (no longer a walking time-bomb)
My name is (not really) Mariposa and I am a lush. I like that better than "drunk" or "alcoholic".
I am not the kind of lush that crashes cars. I've never had alcohol poisoning. I've never been addicted to another drug (besides at past points, possibly caffeine and nicotine)... and it's not because I'm innocent. I was not ordered by the courts or an employer into AA. I went on my own.
And now I am several days abstinent (well over a week) from alcohol. I've now been to two large meetings and one small one.
I attended my first meeting with a friend I've become reacquainted with from high school. She is mostly sober, just occasional wine, and she does not use any drugs - she's a natural health freak and it shows (in the good way).
Her presence in my life alone has helped my depression lift; the same is true for several friends who have recently renewed ties with me. It was a beginners' meeting. Being relatively young women that don't look like we've lived a hard life got us a bit of attention immediately. It wasn't creepy. There was of course, a speaker, who had lost THREE MARRIAGES to his alcoholism. I really can't say more than that for anonymity purposes. Others spoke about what alcohol had taken from them, why they were there (some voluntarily, some not so much), and how they have remained and plan to remain abstinent from alcohol.I should note at this time that I do not intend to discontinue any of my legal prescriptions and the possibility that I will party in ways that have not been problematic is very much there. This excludes me from ultra-orthodox AA types. This is where "take what you want, and leave the rest" comes in. I am also pro-medicinal marijuana and I am agnostic in the truest sense; I do not know or claim to know whether "God" exists, one way or the other. I feel I have no true way of knowing. I'll find out when my demise comes, I suppose. And now I know my demise does not have to come from alcohol.
Why not?
Because I am choosing not to drink in this moment, today. The "one day at a time" thing sounds like jargon at first. But it is a simple thing I can do, or rather not do, to stop myself from engaging in a habit that was threatening to destroy my life. I lost respect for myself when I was a heavy drinker; I expect others lost respect for me in some ways. Maybe some people stopped being my friend because of it, too. But those people weren't real friends. I suppose the one blessing that came from my problem drinking was that I was able to weed out the people who were self-interested instead of oriented toward true friendship and companionship. I have a lot more friends all of a sudden now that I don't drink. I've kept my social calendar full, avoiding situations which might tempt me to drink. I've been more physically active. My appetite has come back yet I have not put on weight. I crave healthy foods. It is a very odd and surprisingly rapid transformation.
The fellowship and brutal honesty displayed by the AA members whose stories I heard brought tears to my eyes. I have never been in a room with so many people who were making honest, painful admissions. Yet it was not tense. There was no judgment. There was an immense sense of relief that pervaded the room. And yes, everyone was loaded on caffeine.
I do not yet have a sponsor nor am I quite sure who yet to ask. The people I "buddied up" with right away were an attractive aspiring actor my age (28) and his sponsor, a hippie-type handwriting analyst/gardener in his fifties. There are a couple women my age who are also newbies and friendly. It is recommended that if you ask for a sponsor (not everyone does) that they be of the gender that you do not prefer sexually, and sexual involvement between sponsor and newbie is a MAJOR NO-NO. My ideal sponsor, demographically, would therefore be a woman a little older than me, married/partnered, perhaps with kids, who has been sober at least a year. I am sure I will know her when I find her... or perhaps I will click with someone completely different. My mind is open.
I suppose that what shocked me was that there were so many people that had been sober fewer than 24 hours. Some people were visibly drunk; some had obviously done serious physical damage (noticed slurring and DTs in several of those who spoke). I have avoided that. I still feel a bit "toxic" from alcohol, but I expect that is all in my head. I am healing cognitively and physically.
My Higher Power is myself. It is not a coffee cup, it is not a patriarchal deity. One of my former criticisms of AA and 12-stepping in general is that it "disempowers" the alcoholic/addict into failing to take ownership of their addiction. I do not feel that way. I feel that the higher, more virtuous, loving, growth-oriented, brave and wise part of me is watching over the baser part of me that rendered me powerless over a powerful toxin that was ruining my life.
I do not know if I will ever transition into controlled drinking - that is not consistent with AA values and I wish to be authentic in this process. There may come a day when I can enjoy that glass of cabernet or that snifter of Grey Goose without hearing the call away from dealing with my problems and my emotions.
My plan is to attend two meetings per week - the atheist/agnostic group, and the beginners group. No 90 meetings in 90 days for me; that's just ridiculous - I am there of my own volition, and I want to be fully THERE. It is said that alcoholism strikes the lonely and the perfectionistic. I feel that way much of the time. But now I have the will to call someone to hang out when I feel lonely. When I make a mistake, I don't feel like I need to get drunk and feel sorry for myself. I just do something else. My house has never been cleaner, my cats have never been happier, and I look and feel different. The strain my problem caused on my relationship (he is not an alcoholic) is slowly but surely lifting.
And all it takes is having enough self control not to put alcohol into my body, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. No one is proselytizing to me, though I can see how some of the literature (particularly the Big Book) can be read that way. I do not feel manipulated, controlled, or helpless. Rather, I have a new sense of confidence and autonomy that I looked for in the bottle but was never quite able to find. I think my Higher Power wants me to believe in myself - keep the good for myself, and turn the bad over to where the bad things go, as far away as possible.
That's about it for now. I'm not a "believer" and this program is NO substitute for professional help. I am on Step 4, where I am taking a fearless moral inventory of myself and how alcohol has damaged my life. It is painful at times but it is for my benefit. I am a better person for remaining abstinent from alcohol for now. There's a lot of learning and experience I missed out on when I was drunk, like nature, fitness, photography, languages, and most of all, friendship and true love. I have a treatable illness that since I caught it in time, will not ruin my life. Anyone who would stigmatize me for admitting this can go die in a fire.
I owe a special thanks to those who have candidly shared their stories of addiction, whether they are 12-steppers or not. Thank you for helping me understand that we are truly all in this together while remaining responsible for ourselves. One day at a time.
If you'd like to know more, please ask in this thread but as my problem drinking remains a sensitive issue, I reserve the right to decline to answer to protect what I have not disclosed on behalf of self and others.
Thank you for listening.
Mariposa (no longer a walking time-bomb)
